To Live Again 4

A/N- Well, hello all, I'm back again. You know where to look for the disclaimer.

I hope that the last chapter was enlightening.

This goes out to Heather and Adam… Rock on, super-bandos.

Raoul groaned in annoyance. "Where is that girl?" He muttered. Dom didn't think very highly of him as a man, and though Dom and Joelle shared many views, she seemed the more patient one. Joelle had grown up splendidly into an intelligent, spirited woman. He was so glad that she and Christine got along. Christine always seemed nervous around his family, as if she felt she didn't fit in, but Joelle seemed to put her at ease.

Joelle seemed to have her mother's patient, easy nature, while Dom seemed harder to please. For some reason, he and Raoul had never gotten along. When he had been younger, he'd wondered if anything would ever be good enough for his brave, noble elder cousin. Eventually he gave up. Joelle had never been as cold as Dom, who would joke that Raoul was another girl in the family. Joelle had called him a 'fop' now and then when she reached the end of her patience with him, but otherwise had been his favorite of the two. They were the same age, both twenty, but while he'd been rather more sheltered and indulged, she preferred a more adventurous life, and was often off with her brother and his friend, Rojer. Until she was about thirteen, that is. He couldn't figure out what had turned his fiery spirited, outgoing cousin into a shy, withdrawn little doe, starting at shadows and avoiding crowds. Finding out about Rojer's treatment of her cleared up any questions about that. Since returning from Ireland, she had changed even more, into someone that he respected, but felt the need to protect.

But this was the tenth time in as many days she had disappeared without giving him any idea where she was going. Or when she'd be back. He had spoken once to Dom, who had told him, in no uncertain terms that 'Joelle was free to go where she would.' So, finally, he decided to ask the new stablemaster, and hoped he wasn't merely walking in on a wild tumble in the hay between the burly Scotsman and Joelle.

That would make things…decidedly awkward in the future.

Luckily, no such nightmarish horror greeted his cautious eyes. 'Twas merely the two Scotsmen tending to the horses.

"Hey." He called.

One of them came over.

"What?" He spoke in english, and Raoul knew very little of that.

"Joelle." He said, struggling to find the words, "Where?"

"Paris." The man replied patiently.

"Thank you."

That was the last thing he wanted to hear. What would she be doing in the city when there was a deranged man after her? The answer hit him abruptly. When they had spoken of the phantom, more than once, Joelle had stuttered, nearly saying something that started with 'E'. He knew the name.

He'd heard it from Christine.

Erik.

Joelle had lied.

Erik was alive.

And Joelle was with him.

Nothing connected to Erik could ever be good.

He had to do something!

"Are you sure it doesn't bother you, who my cousin is?" Joelle asked as they sat together on the couch.

"My dear, that's about a hundred times you've asked that. You are your own person. The Fop is the Fop."

She giggled, "You know, recently, that was the worst insult I could use. Rather falls short of my usual barrage."

"Really?" Erik smirked.

For a moment, silence fell.

"I don't like my nose." Joelle declared. "It's long, but it's little. I think I have a weird nose."

"What?" Erik sounded confused.

"It just got a little too quiet in here. So I thought maybe a strange, random confession might break the silence."

He tilted his head, "You are an odd girl."

"So?" she asked, "Sure is better than being boring."

"… I really can't think of a response to that."

"What's on your mind, then? You have been unusually quiet."

The mood suddenly turned solemn.

"It's just… odd thinking that Christine is so nearby…" He trailed off wistfully.

Pain and jealousy stung Joelle inside. She doubted that Erik would ever see her as the woman that loved him. He would only ever see Christine, and so he was destined to suffer.

But then, so was she, loving him beyond all hope as she did.

She sighed. "Did I tell you about the new Stablemaster at the manor?" she asked.

"I believe you said his name was Haral." He replied, "Why?"

"He's a good man, charming and handsome. We've been speaking a lot, mostly at night. His eyes are even greener in the moonlight." Joelle said softly. "I think, in time, I could grow to love him. He's certainly attractive."

"Indeed?" Erik's voice was strained.

"Oh yes. And I think he's interested in me." She answered. "He's told me a lot about his past, in Scotland. It's a fascinating place. He said he might take me there someday."

"How nice."

This was getting annoying. Why did he have to listen to her go on about some silly Scottish whelp? Erik frowned.

"I don't think the two of you would get along forever." He remarked. "After all, nice this boy may be, but you're an intelligent woman. Can he really offer any intellectual stimulation?"

"He's smart enough."

"Is enough enough? I thought you liked someone who can challenge you?"

"I have you for that, Erik. After all, you'll always be my friend, but I want to have a life someday. With a house in the country, close enough to stay in touch with my family. And children, and a husband who loves me. Someone I love who loves me back. Who doesn't want something like that? And Haral can give me that kind of life."

Ouch.

"I wonder if he's really good enough for you." He said.

"You don't need to worry about my love life, Erik." She replied briskly, "You aren't my brother, or my father. Or even an ex-lover. I think Haral could protect me from Rojer, too. He's very strong."

A groan escaped his throat. "I could protect you from Rojer!" He snapped, "And I have. What are you trying to do?"

"Nothing." She said. "I thought I was just confiding in a friend about someone who makes me happy."

She sounded so reasonable.

"Why aren't you happy for me, Erik?"

So honest.

"I just want to find somewhere I belong. I'm the last one in my age group in the family to get married as it is, I don't want to become a pathetic old maid."

She was always honest with him. For all her peculiarities, she was always honest.

She deserved to be happy.

She deserved to be loved.

So why did he hate hearing about it?

"Erik?" Her voice brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up. "Are you alright? You look awfully pale."

"I honestly don't know anymore." His voice sounded weary, even in his own ears.

"You still haven't been sleeping, have you?" She goaded.

"I can't."

"What if I promised to stay with you, until you woke up? In case you had a nightmare."

Joelle's voice was soothing. He saw no reason not to listen. "Alright. If you'll be here."

"I don't have much else to do today, and staying here with you awhile beats balancing household accounts." She whispered, pulling him into her arms.

He rested his head on her lap, eyes growing heavy. "D..don't touch…mask." He yawned.

"I promise."

'I've pushed him too far.' She thought, looking at Erik's sleeping face. 'I shouldn't have toyed with him. The poor man's been through enough from what I do know, and the rest of his past couldn't have been easy either. I'm an ass. I really need better people skills.'

She sighed, reaching down to take one of Erik's hands in her own.

He whimpered in his sleep.

"Shh… it's ok, Erik. It's ok."

He needed to take better care of himself. She should have told him so.

'I'll stop talking about Haral so much with him. He has enough pain without me hurting him for selfish reasons.'

Erik's hand tightened around hers, and she smiled, allowing herself a brief dream that he was hers, and she his.

"I'll never hurt you again." She promised.

A little over an hour passed, and Joelle memorized what she could see of Erik's features. Even in sleep he was so guarded, never relaxing fully.

That's not entirely true, she thought.

Sometimes when we're talking, he gets this content look on his face. Or otherwise a highly amused one. As if he knows a joke he's not telling.

I could have imagined it, though.

She was struck by how different he looked asleep.

Awake, he was so compelling, so powerful, so masterful with word and voice. But asleep, he looked older. He looked fragile, and ill.

'He needs someone to take care of him.' She though.

'He doesn't have anyone else.'

'I hope I'm good enough.'

"Joelle."

Her name, barely a whisper, came from his lips.

"Yes, sweetheart?" she asked.

"Do you think I'm a monster, too?" He muttered in his sleep.

"Never."

"Thank you." He relaxed a bit.

She wondered what dream would cause him to ask that. It tugged at her heart to think that anyone could call Erik a monster. It hurt even worse to think that he might believe it.

Suddenly, she heard a voice outside.

"The candles are lit, Raoul."

Well Damn.

Christine.

The one who had what she could never: Erik's heart.

"So I see." Came her cousin's voice. "I told you it wasn't over."

"She might not even be down here."

"She is."

Joelle took a deep breath, and leaned over, close to Erik's face.

"Erik!" She called softly.

He stirred, but didn't wake.

She poked him.

No response.

She shook his shoulder gently.

His eyes flashed open, momentarily panicked. Then he saw her and relaxed. "Eh? What is it, Jo?"

"Listen." He heard the voices too, and neither moved fast enough when Raoul and Christine suddenly entered.

Christine stared, surprised at what they had found. Joelle, indeed, was there, as was Erik. She looked surprised and annoyed. Erik lay back on Joelle, looking as if he had just awakened. His hair, usually meticulously groomed, was loose and mussed. When she looked into his eyes, she saw deep, terrible pain, regret, confusion…and fear. But none of the longing she remembered.

Raoul looked furious. "You…monster."

Erik sat up, slowly. He looked tired and sick.

Joelle moved as close to Erik as she could, a protective look on her face.

The two stood, Erik slightly slower. Looking at Joelle again, she saw the way the woman looked at Erik… Concern, affection, trust…and… God! Joelle was in love with him!

She wondered if he knew it.

Joelle took Erik's hand. "Don't you ever call him that, cousin." She reprimanded.

Raoul looked betrayed, "Joelle… why? You know what he's done! You know what he's capable of…"

"He's changed. But I believe he was always a good man." She replied.

Erik himself looked slightly doubtful. "Why are you here?" He asked, directing the question at Raoul. As if he couldn't bear to look at her.

She saw Joelle squeeze his hand, silent support in every line of her posture.

"To keep you away from Joelle." Raoul growled.

"She's a grown woman, and a good deal more intelligent than you. Let her make her own decisions." Erik said calmly.

"What, so you choose my cousin as some twisted revenge?"

"How paranoid." Erik remarked, "And what do you mean, 'choose'?"

Frustrated, Raoul turned to Joelle, "Do you honestly care for that beast?"

She glared at him. "I love this man with all of my heart. Despite my efforts not to." She added as an afterthought.

Erik looked over at her, thoughtful and surprised. "What was that about Haral earlier, then?" He asked.

She looked embarrassed, "Haral is a good man, Erik. But he's only my second choice. I wanted to make you jealous. But I know your heart is lost, so I'll push you no more. I'm sorry I did that, I know it was bothering you, though I'm not sure why. I always feel so guilty when I'm with Haral and not you. Physically, he's very attractive. But in terms of a deeper relationship, I only want him. I think the problem with Haral is partially due to the fact that I haven't been around men that aren't related to me in six years."

"I don't know what you see in me." Erik murmured.

She rolled her eyes. "Modesty is always part of the appeal." She joked.

"Oh?" He asked, amused.

With a howl of rage, Raoul rushed at Erik… and ripped off his mask!

Erik gasped and covered his face with his hands, turning away from Joelle.

"Behold the misshapen creature you've given your misguided heart to!"

Something inside Joelle snapped. Her eye twitched. She stalked over to Raoul and punched him square in the face. "Not so pretty now, eh?" She yelled, snatching the mask from Raoul's hand. "I see only one monster here, and he masquerades as a man…As my cousin. Leave, Raoul. You've done enough damage for today."

Then she turned away, dismissing him. Joelle's entire demeanor changed, as she walked back to Erik.

"Honey." She whispered, "It's ok." She said, handing him his mask. "I'm looking down. I didn't see anything." Her tone changed, "That bastard. I'm getting so tired of his attitude!" She glared at her cousin.

Slowly, Erik put the mask back on. Then his hands sought Joelle's. He really didn't look well. Christine was unable to recognize this ill, defeated man as the one she had been so afraid of.

Joelle got on tiptoe and kissed Erik on the cheek. Erik was silent.

The tenderness in Joelle's eyes struck Christine to her core. Then she looked over at her husband, Raoul. He looked torn between anger, confusion, and guilt.

"Let's do as she said, Raoul." Christine decided.

He didn't move.

So she took his hand and led him like a child.

When Joelle woke up, the first thing she noticed was that she was snuggled against something soft and warm, something that smelled softly of old books and cedar wood. She opened her eyes.

Warm golden orbs met soft blue.

"Hi." She whispered.

Erik just hugged her tighter.

He looked better for a night's sleep. More like the man who was her champion. He'd seemed invincible that night. As much as his strength had drawn her in, his vulnerability was also quite appealing, showing him as a real man, not just some starstruck girl's dream. He was real.

"About yesterday… what you said… Did you mean it?" He asked finally.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I tried not to. Belieeeeeve me."

He shook his head. "I… I can't believe it…Christine… she barely even looked at me. How could I love her so much when she won't even look at me? She wouldn't even say anything. She ignored me."

"I'm sorry."

"You helped me."

"You needed me." Her response was automatic.

"I think in time I could love you as much as you deserve."

She sighed. "Could you?" She asked doubtfully, "I was prepared to simply love you, if you would allow it."

"I wish I could move on faster, but…"

"She broke your heart, I know. Just give me time to heal it. Besides, I have a lot to learn about men. Being around nuns for so long has dulled my Tomboy-insight into the male mind." She gave a hopeful smile, hoping to lighten the mood.

They were silent for a moment.

"Thank you."

"For what, Erik, dear?" She tilted her head, smile slipping somewhat. A strand of her hair, having come loose when she punched Raoul, slipped down, laying across her nose. She frowned and blew it up. The hair stood straight up and then stubbornly fell back on her face. She cursed under her breath and left it.

Erik shook his head disbelievingly and continued, "For not looking at my face. I wasn't ready for that."

"I respect your privacy." She murmured, eyeing the wayward hair with one eye. 'Always at the worst possible moment.' She thought irritatedly.

"That means a lot."

"I'll… have to go soon. Do I have your permission to explain the situation to Father and Dom?"

"If you want to."

She continued to eye the hair. "What if I just cut it all off?" She wondered aloud.

He laughed, "I wouldn't advise it. Your head would get cold."

"Oh well." She said sadly. "The eternal curse of big, unmanageable hair." She said melodramatically.

"I was wrong." Raoul said, when Joelle finally came back.

"I know." She said coolly.

"I didn't want him to hurt you."

"Erik's been too occupied with hurting himself." She snapped.

"I'm sorry." He murmured, "Could you ever forgive me?"

"Ask Erik. He's the one you owe an apology to." She turned on her heel and exited.

Things would never be the same again for the two cousins.