Disclaimer: Resident Evil, and all associated characters belong to Capcom.
As we last left Jill Valentine, her struggle to escape Raccoon City hit a snag when she encounter a locked door. Racing to the police station to get her lock pick, she was startled when Brad, the S.T.A.R.S. Alpha team pilot and panicky idiot extraordinaire arrived, followed closely by his 9 foot tall, cycloptic, rotting, trench coat wearing friend. The creature was called Nemesis, though neither Brad nor Jill really gave a damn.
"Jill… help me!" Brad screamed. It was all for naught, as Nemesis grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up. Slowly raising his right hand, Nemesis finally noticed Jill.
"S.T.A.R.S…" (Oddly enough, this girl seems familiar for some reason…).
"Uh, Jill, you've got a gun… Shoot this monster, a'ight?"
"S.T.A.R.S." (Maybe she's in my flower arranging class… naw. That woman has a smaller rack…).
"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HELP ME!".
"S.T.A.R.S." (Maybe she's that girl that copied my notes in Chem. class... Wait, that was a Tyrant… damn.)
"DAMNIT JILL, SAVE ME! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU'RE A S.T.A.R.S. OFFICER!"
"S.T.A.R.S.!" (Would you just shut up? I can't think with you screaming!). Therefore, Nemesis raised his hand again, and a tentacle shot out, impaling Brad's… kneecap.
"Ow! My knee!"
"S.T.A.R.S." (Whoops. Let's try this again.).
"Good lord, my shoulder! My beautiful shoulder!"
"S.T.A.R.S.!" (Okay, getting embarrassing here…).
And after his third attempt, Brad screamed in an amazingly high voice "My nuts!". And Nemmy, and even Jill, who was, in fact, a woman, shuddered.
"S.T.A.R.S.". (Damn it to hell! Couldn't those scientists grow an extra eye on a lab rat for me? Yeah, I know the whole 'row of surgical staples' thing is scary, but I'm a gigantic, pointy-toothed, lipless animated corpse in leather! I don't need the intimidation factor! I need fucking depth perception!)
Eventually, Nemesis got the 'Impale Brad through the face with a tentacle' thing right, and he dramatically dropped the body. Turning towards Jill, he once again said his catchphrase, this time meaning 'Damnit. I can't remember who you are… sorry about this. I'm normally pretty good at this sort of thing. I know who you are, it's on the tip of my tongue…'
"Oh my god, you killed Brad! One of my team mates in S.T.A.R.S.!". Then, noticing Nemesis's disability, she decided to come up with a cruel nickname for him. "I think I'll call you Blinky…".
"S.T.A.R.S." (I'm sorry about the name thing, but don't make fun of me, lady. I'm busy on a mission to kill all S.T.A.R.S. officers.). Slowly, the synapses in Nemmy's brain deduced things for him.
FLASHBACK TO BEFORE NEMESIS CAME TO RACCOON…
"Okay Nemesis..." The crazy mad doctor had said… "I am sending you to kill all of the remaining S.T.A.R.S. members. They are, Brad Vickers, their Aquaman-type useless bastard, Rebecca Chambers, the girl who can fluctuate between super badass when teamed with a convicted murderer to damsel-in-distress in any other situation, Barry Burton, the man with bad puns and a big fricken handgun, Chris Redfield, the R.P.D.'s resident drunk/hero/stupid sonuva bitch, and Jill Valentine, who makes good sandwiches. I repeat. Jill Valentine… Jill Valentine… Got it? Jill Valentine.
FLASHBACK TO TWO MINUTES AGO…
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST JILL, YOU'RE A S.T.A.R.S. MEMBER!".
FLASHBACK TO THIRTY SECONDS AGO…
"Oh my God, you killed Brad! One of my team mates in S.T.A.R.S.!".
END OF OBLIGATORY FLASHBACKS...
"S.T.A.R.S." (Aw damn, I just looked like an idiot. Anyways, DIE JILL!). Of course, in the half hour he'd been recollecting his mission, Jill had been shooting him with a handgun. He wasn't exactly bright enough to notice. And so, he fell to the ground. Quickly, and in a shameless reoccurring theme in my works, she ran over to Brad and stole his wallet.
"Wow. One giant superzombie dead, and I didn't even need a rocket launcher…". That was promptly when Nemesis got to his feet. And so Jill thought Okay, shut up next time.
Jill could've shown her great courage by facing off against the undead behemoth, but hell, she may have been stupid, but not THAT stupid. So she ran inside the police station. Through the doors marked "PULL". So, Nemesis immediately pursued, trying his darnedest to push those doors open. And despite the fact that they were wooden, and he had muscles in his arm bigger than a family sedan, he was unable to force them open.
The Raccoon City Police Station was obviously designed by either a Bond Villain or an Autistic, though the two are so similar a distinction is hard to make. Well, actually, that's too general. The entire city was just as large a collection of anti-ergonomic design as possible. The city council had spent a fortune making sure that the place had as many asinine statues and idiot puzzles as they could, just because they were bastards. Jill walked forward to a nearby computer and logged on, immediately finding a memo left by Chief Brian Irons, world-class Mario impersonator.
Dear S.T.A.R.S. Members,
I regret to inform you that due to the city being overrun with zombies, I have decided to keep the key to the S.T.A.R.S. Room locked in the evidence locker, combination 1-2-3-4. It's not that I'm stabbing you bastards in the back as I right this, honest. I'm completely, one hundred percent trustworthy.
Burn in Hell,
Chief B. Irons.
Mentally taking note of the combination, Jill turned and walked into the main section of the police station. Zombie cops greeted her past the destroyed barricade. After killing them (and lamenting their deaths), Jill continued, stopping at the open door of the office of Marvin Branagh, world-class Will Smith look-alike. And she saw the fallen body of yet another comrade, clutching a memo in his hand.
"Marvin? Oh my God! No…".
"Uh, Jill, I'm still alive. A little help here?".
"What's this memo?" Jill asked, as she picked up his the file of Marvin's last case.
September 24th, 1998
I, Marvin Branagh have been tasked to investigate a case of vandalism. Apparently, someone broke the antique jewel clock/gate locking mechanism in outside of City Hall. Two jewels were stolen. I tried very hard to care, but was unable to do so.
September 28th, 1998.
Apparently, the owner of that restaurant downtown was the jewel thief. I still don't give a damn, considering the massive zombie outbreak and all, but anyways, he apparently took shelter here when the zombies attacked. Unfortunately, as it turns out, we were wrong. He actually happened to be a zombie. Isn't that hilarious? Anyways, we shot the stupid S.O.B. and then stole his wallet. And the jewel, but nobody gives a damn.
Looking down at her fallen comrade, Jill could only sigh. "Marvin, you may be gone, but the gemstone clock caper might turn up later in my escape. You're memo may have saved me. Thank you.". With that, she turned and walked away.
"Jill? I'm still alive, only very badly injured. Jill? JILL!".
"-Sigh- I can still hear your voice Marvin, giving me advice.".
"Idiot!".
And so Jill entered the evidence room. After pocketing the S.T.A.R.S. key and the jewel, she carried forward, killing more zombies. Entering the police station darkroom, she spotted a memo left by David, another police officer.
September 27th, 1998.
Dear Diary,
Today my friends were all slaughtered by zombies. Except Mossberg, he's still helping me out. Mossberg is such a nice shotgun. I like shooting things. My doctor is dead now, so I can't get my medication. Isn't that hilarious?
Anyways, I've got to go. The other cops are arguing and saying rude things, and Mossberg is telling me to kill myself. Bye-bye.
So, pocketing the memo left by the one member of the R.P.D. dumber than Wesker's hand-picked S.T.A.R.S. team, Jill picked up more ammo and gunpowder, as well as a typewriter ink ribbon, because, as we all know, you can't escape zombie apocalypses without the help of writing devices that were out of date long before1998.
Exiting the darkroom, Jill climbed the stair, walked down the hall, and using the key, entered the S.T.A.R.S. office. Despite the fact that, until recently, there had been 10 S.T.A.R.S. Members, there were only 5 desks. Jill remembered how she parted from her team mates as she walked past their desks.
REBECCA CHAMBERS'S DESK
"Uh, hi Jill." Rebecca said nervously.
"Hi Rebecca, what's up?" Jill said to the only other female in S.T.A.R.S.
"Uh, nothing…".
"Why are you packing up everything on you're desk?"
"Uh, no reason.".
"C'mon, tell me.".
"I THINK THIS CITY'S GOING TO GO TO HELL IN AN EVIL ZOMBIE DEATH VIRUS OUTBREAK!".
BARRY BURTON'S DESK
"Hi Jill.".
"Uh, Barry, I hear you're leaving.".
"Yeah, I want to spend some time with my family, outside of a town that's going to go to hell in an evil zombie death virus outbreak.".
"Huh? I didn't know you had a family.".
"What! Remember, I betrayed you all to save them. Here's the picture." The resident gun nut of S.T.A.R.S. said, opening his wallet and showing Jill his family portrait.
"Oh, I thought you were just a crazy old man and that picture was just the one that came with the wallet.".
"I'm in the picture, you twit!" Barry said, regretting his decision to not let Wesker ventilate her forehead.
"I thought you did wallet picture modeling on the side." Jill said, holding up her hands to calm him down.
CHRIS REDFIELD'S DESK
"Hi Jill, I'm leaving.".
"Let me guess, something about this town going to hell in a evil zombie death virus outbreak?".
"Yup. I'm going to Europe. Promise me you won't cheat on me with a slightly idiotic Hispanic Umbrella traitor who has zero backstory but doesn't spend an entire game in a jail cell, like I did, okay?".
"Uh, I don't think you have to worry. Chances of me meeting a person like that are, like a million to one. It's almost as unlikely as Wesker coming back from the dead as a matrix ripoff super bioweapon.".
JILL VALENTINE'S DESK
"Okay, everybody's full of crap. This town will not go to hell in an evil zombie death virus outbreak." Jill assured herself. Brad overheard this, and canceled his plans to leave the city.
"Okay, I was wrong about that one." Jill admitted. And then she got to…
ALBERT WESKER'S DESK
"Jill, Barry. Most impressive. But you two will die now!" Wesker yelled. Despite the pain he had from the magnum bullet wound he received, he hit a button on the nearby control panel, causing the liquid to drain from the tube containing the giant, humanoid monster, the Tyrant.
Inside the tube, the Tyrant began to awaken, it's external heart beating and it's eyes opening in it's skull-like face. Swinging his normal, human hand twice, he cracked the glass encasing him. Then, with a mighty slash from his clawed right hand, the glass exploded outward. Jumping down to the laboratory floor, the Tyrant began advancing.
"Rrraaaaaaaaaaawwrrr…" (Thank God. I never thought I'd be free.). Noticing Jill and Barry, Tyrant continued. "Graaaaaar…" (I believe I am forever indebted to you two. Without your interference, I fear that I may never have been let out. I thank you.).
"Now, Tyrant," Wesker said. "Kill them!".
"Grraarr". (You… you… monster! You merciless vile fiend! You did this to me! You and those other scientists! I cannot abide your continued existence, murderer!). And so, Tyrant put his huge hand claw to good use, skewering Wesker like a fish. Barry rushed at the creature, his gun raised. Tyrant tried to high-five Barry, but of course, the whole '10-foot-tall, amazingly destructive bioweapon' thing came into play, and Barry was knocked unconscious.
"Snarl Hiss!". (I must apologize, friend. I am very sorry, I do not know my own strength. After what Umbrella has done to me, I fear I may never lead a normal life. Please except my forgiveness…). That's roughly when Jill emptied a magnum into his head.
3 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS AFTER THAT…
"Wow, Jill, Barry, Rebecca, I'm glad we escaped this mansion." Chris said on the heliport of the Arklay Mountain Facility, waiting for Brad to pick them up.
"Yeah, and that creepy superzombie thing was killed. Who know's what would happen if it escaped?" Jill added.
Suddenly, the ground shook, and then Tyrant burst his way through the concrete. "Raaaaawwwwwwwwrr…" (I must admit, your custom with the large handguns is quite painful, however, I feel we can still work things out.) Tyrant said, holding his arms out to signify peace. Unfortunately, his super-strength and lack of attention caused him to knock Chris out.
"Oh my God! A monster!" Brad screamed from inside his helicopter. Thinking quickly, he tossed a M66 rocket launcher out of the chopper. It may seem silly that a search and rescue police unit would come equipped with a anti-tank missle launcher, but hey, that's life.
"Growwlll…" (Jill, I do believe that the rocket launcher would prove fatal, even for me. I ask that you put it down, my friend.).
BOOOOOOOM!
And so, Jill, after finishing reminiscing, went to her desk to pick up her lock pick. Inside, she found a two paper clips and a note.
Dear Jill,
I lost my house key yesterday :-( , so I borrowed your professional-style lock pick without your consent. Sorry. Anyways, I will be leaving town and won't be able to return it, so I left you a pair of paper clips instead. Thanks for your help.
You're friend,
Rebecca Chambers .
"Rotten bitch." Jill muttered. Of course, Jill was a big fan of MacGuyver, so she still managed to jury-rig a lock pick out of the materials. Then she went to the S.T.A.R.S. gun locker and picked up a high caliber magnum revolver, just the thing any tactical police officer needs when on a mission. Because so many hostage takers are big game animals needing a .357 bullet to take down.
Anyways, on her way out, the broken down radio in the S.T.A.R.S. office came to life.
"Hello, this is Carlos. Need assistance! -zzzzzt- Zombies everywhere! Send help! This town's going to hell in an evil zombie death virus outbreak! Oh my God, they aren't dying! I'm shooting them but they aren't dying! Save us! -zzzzzt- Wait, they are apparently dying if I shoot them enough. Anyways, help us!".
"That man appears to be in trouble…" Jill trenchantly observed. And so, she exited the S.T.A.R.S. office and climbed down the stairs, hearing glass cracking as she did so. And just as she passed the convenient 8-foot window at the bottom of the staircase…
CRASH!
Nemesis had finally found a way in. "S.T.A.R.S!" (Ow, glass cut! Glass cut! OW!". Spotting Jill he raised his left arm, which now had a rather large missle launcher strapped on to it. Raising his arm, he pulled the trigger, and…
Click.
One "S.T.A.R.S." (What the FUCK!) later, Nemesis realized he forgot to bring along ammo. And so, he hopped back from whence he came, vowing to track down Jill when he had ammo.
"That was… interesting…" Jill said as she left the police station, not noticing that both Marvin's 'corpse' and the real corpse of Brad had apparently gotten up and walked away. She reached the stubborn locked door, used her lock pick, and viola, she was now in downtown Raccoon City.
IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: We take you behind the scenes, to answer the question, "Where the hell was the rest of the cast while Jill was off dealing with Blinky the retarded superzombie?".