To Live Again 16
I know it's been awhile, but I hope this chapter is worth the wait.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"This is folly, Rojer. You stole me from my family, renamed me, and sired a son on me and I gave no complaint. You haven't even had the decency to marry me and give our son legitimacy! Yet still I abide by your wishes. What does his Lady Joelle have that I do not?" Tanelle urged. "You keep me here in dishonor as a concubine and I have obeyed your will. Why must you have that woman?"
Rojer sighed, "How can I compare a nightingale to you, my Spanish sparrow? Or liken a lily to a common daisy? She has owned my heart since that first day, and I will have her or die trying. God made his masterpiece the day of her birth and tried in the years to come to produce a replica in you but the mold was already broken and could not be recast."
"I am younger, and will retain my beauty longer. And she is with a man already. How do you know she has not given him her virtue? You were my first—can you be so sure of the same with her?"
His hand struck her cheek hard and she fell, looking up at him from the ground through the curtain of her inky hair.
"Shrew! Do not tarnish her name in your ignorance! When I thought I lost her I sought a copy in you, but you, vulgar tart, have none of her sweetness. You will always be second." He growled. "Back to your work, wench, I'm going to take a bath."
"I cannot be second if she is dead." Tanelle mused once he had left, "Bring her here, then, Rojer. She will not last long. Her sons will not replace my Rojolin."
If there was one thing she knew, it was poison.
Her grandmother had been a gypsy stolen from her people.
Bitter since the death of her husband, the woman taught her granddaughters the secrets of her people.
Joelle would die, and Rojer would never suspect a thing.
Tanelle smiled brightly and went back to cooking dinner.
A moment later, Rojolin tugged at her skirts.
"Mama?"
"Yes, mon cher?"
"Is Papa home to stay?"
"Soon, my angel, very soon."
------------------------------------------------------------------
"'Morning, luv." Joelle murmured, trailing her fingers along his bare chest.
"Mmm… I could get used to this." Erik replied, cracking open an eye. "Your brother's going to kill me."
"Nay. He just wants me to be happy."
"Are you…happy?" he asked hoarsely.
Joelle gave him a lazy smile. "How could I be otherwise, my darling?"
"I love you."
"I love you, Erik." She kissed him.
He sighed, relieved, but something else, she knew, was troubling him.
"What's on your mind?"
"Much as I hate to bring it up, we never discussed…" He trailed off, hand moving unconsciously to the disfigured side of his face.
She caught his hand before he could cover his face and kissed it, then kissed the dead side of his face. "I see no problem, Erik. Besides, I love you for your heart, not your looks." She blushed, "Well, maybe your eyes had something to do with it, but only a bit… I love your eyes." She amended. "But even so, no nose just means nothing to get in the way when we kiss." Her eyes smoldered with a look that sent desire coursing like fire in his veins. "I think you're adorable, whatever anyone says. Forget what you might have been told in the past. You are perfect."
He pulled her close once more, burying his face in her hair. "God, Joelle, I love you so much."
"And I you." She breathed, knowing that this moment was so important. She closed her eyes and savored the feeling of being back in his arms. Tears of happiness burned at her eyes and she squeezed them shut, not wanting to spoil this moment, but apparently Erik felt them on his skin, for he loosened his hold on her and looked down at her face.
"What's the matter, Ellie?" He asked tenderly, lifting her face to look into her eyes.
She sniffled, "Oh, I've missed you so much!" She cried, overcome by the turbulent emotions swirling inside. "Oh Erik, I can't lose you again!" She sobbed
"Shh, it's ok. It won't happen again, ever, I promise." He soothed, "I'll never doubt you again, I swear… Let's get married."
"Oh yes…What!"
"Well not now, obviously, but soon! Let's get married!"
"…My… brother…" It was a reluctant excuse, half-formed and half-hearted.
"After he gets back."
"Yes! Oh, god! YES!" She threw her arms around his neck,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Joelle. Joelle, wake up." Erik murmured.
"Nnngggg…" She swatted at his hand, "Sod off, Dom, I'm having the best dream about…" The voice registered in her mind and she jumped, eyes wide open. "ERIK!"
He arched an eyebrow, infinitely amused, "Dreaming about me, darling?" He purred, smirking.
"If you got any smugger, I think you'd explode." She muttered. "And I'm allowed to: We're engaged."
He chuckled, "Indeed, dear." He placated.
Joelle blushed, rolling her eyes. "What time is it, anyway?"
"That's…ah…actually why I've awakened you. I think we might me might have gone a bit overboard last night."
"Last night?" She gaped, "Is it already tomorrow? I mean, today? Is today tomorrow?"
"It's ten thirty A.M."
"Oh." She sighed, "Will you come back with me, Erik? I want to tell Papa, and I want you to be with me when I do." She smiled, "You know, my carriage has probably left without me by now."
His lips curled up at the corners, "I daresay."
"Haral's gonna kill you."
"I'd like to see him try."
She laughed, "Some things never change."
"And some do so too quickly." He murmured, "We can ride back on Cesar when we're both ready."
She nodded, slipping out from under the sheets. Smiling, she pretended to be unaware that he was watching her dress and did so extra slowly.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We have to go in sooner or later, Erik." Joelle reminded him gently as they stood before the doors to the manor. The "normal face" mask was harder to read than his normal face, but she knew him well enough by now to gauge his moods.
"I know," he replied uneasily, "But everything is different now; can't you feel it? We've both changed—will they even recognize us anymore?"
"Don't worry, we're together now; what have we to fear?" She squeezed his hand and opened the door, and entered the manor, giving a delighted exclamation when she saw who awaited in the parlor, "Oh hell! Raoul, Christine! What are you two doing here?"
"We…ah… came to check on you…see how you were doing." Christine attempted.
There was an awkward silence as Raoul and Christine stared at Joelle and Erik, and the latter two realized how it must look: Joelle's hair was wild and undone and her dress was rumpled and wrinkled, missing a couple buttons from a more passionate and spur-of-the-moment coupling in the hayloft. Erik had a piece of hay in his hair.
Joelle turned and removed the offending hay, blushing, them murmured, "Erik, honey, I'm going to go change. Raoul—be nice. Christine, we'll talk later!" She ran off, clinging to the tattered shreds of her composure.
Erik gulped, looking at the curious expression on Christine's face and the openly hostile one on Raoul's. "I… I can explain."
"I very much hope so." Raoul responded in cold, clipped tones, "I hope you can give me a satisfactory explanation why first you hurt my cousin and then return her in such a state of dishabille. The only honorable thing you can do now is marry her, because if you planned on just leaving her after this, I'll kill you. She doesn't deserve that."
"We are getting married." Erik replied, "After Dom and Colette return."
"You're lucky I don't completely hate you." Raoul let up a bit, "I just need to stay mad a bit longer—I can't believe how you treated her. I trusted you with her, Erik, in spite of all you've done to me and mine; I thought Joelle was safe with you." Erik noticed that Raoul's hands were shaking, "God...even with all that, I just have to ask—Why, Erik? Why would you do that to her?"
Erik took a deep breath, "Raoul, I don't blame you for being angry. I hate myself for every second of pain I've caused her. But try to understand, He sighed, trying to stabilize himself and keep from losing everything he'd gained. "I've been alone my whole life. Betrayal, pain, loneliness—these things are nothing new to me. But love of the sort I have from her is entirely new to me. I'm old, I'm paranoid, and I'm terrified of being alone again. I doubted her, I doubted our love, the truest thing I've ever known… I'd rather die than hurt her again, though. Hearing the pain in her voice… seeing her crying…knowing it was my fault…I hate myself; that's nothing new, but I love her. And though it may not be the best idea, she loves me. I've decided to stop trying to resist her. I'd as soon be able to stop the tides. It's only hurting us both. Whatever you may believe, I do love her, and I would do anything for her."
Raoul let out a frustrated noise, "I just don't know what to think anymore! It was so much easier back when I hated you—there wasn't all this conflict, certainly! I wish I could hate you, but I called you friend once, too, and we were like brothers then. I've grown too close."
Erik sighed, placing his hand at his temple as he felt a headache coming on, "Hate me if you like, Raoul: I'm used to it. Feel what you wish—I shan't judge you for it." Even Raoul could hear the strain in Erik's voice as he continued, "I'm so tired of it all… the hate, the anger, the violence, the blood… I'm just… tired. All I want is a normal, peaceful life with my love. I just want to find the everyday miracles normal men take for granted. And somehow Joelle, my sweet Joelle, can look past all the bloodstains and broken edges and bring me that inner quiet that has so long eluded me." He looked over at Christine, who wasn't sure what to think, "I'm sorry, Christine. With you, there was always some illusion to maintain, something to prove. All my Joelle asks of me is myself, flawed though I am."
-------------------------------------------------------
Joelle couldn't help it.
She just couldn't.
As soon as she closed the door to her room, she fell to her knees—
And laughed her head off.
Thinking of the past few weeks, the pain, the games, the joy, the wild abandon of her lover's embrace, all culminating in a rumpled moment before her cousins all mussed and still glowing from admittedly terrific sex. And they still didn't even know all that had transpired!
It was hilarious!
Of course, she thought with a second of sobriety, Raoul is probably about to eviscerate Erik this very minute, but for some reason that presently eluded her, she found even that completely comical.
It was a few moments before she could calm down enough to wash and change, and fix her hair, but even then a twinkle remained dancing in her azure eyes as brightly as a summer sky.
"I'M IN LOVE!" She yelled impulsively, not hearing her bedroom door open.
"I'm in LOVE! I'M GETTING MARRIED TO THE MAN I LOVE!"
"Oh my god!" A familiar voice squeaked, "I'm so happy for you!"
"Colette!" Joelle exclaimed as the two women ran to embrace.
"When did you two get back?" Joelle finally asked.
"Just now." Colette chirped, "Your cousin's glaring daggers at your Erik, Christine's looking half happy, half baffled and my poor Dom was carrying luggage when we walked in on a rather interesting scene and is currently hopping around on one foot screaming some expletives he probably shouldn't be saying in front of poor Christine(I'm surprised you didn't hear him up here!) . But I had to come up and see you! I've always wanted a sister and now I have one and oh, I'm so happy, Joelle!"
"And hyper, apparently." Joelle said more sedately, eyes alight with amused affection. "How are you, Colette?"
"Pregnant!" Colette replied happily.
"Reeallllyy?" Joelle smirked (A habit she'd picked up from Erik) "So is Christine." She said.
'And possibly me after all those times Erik and I…' The thought trailed off silently.
The thought of carrying Erik's child made her feel all warm inside. 'I've always been so sadly resigned to an unhappy future with Rojer looming like a nightmare over my life. But now, suddenly I so look forward to forever waking up each morning beside the man I love. Sharing every day with Erik…' She sighed happily.
"We should go downstairs now." She said softly, hearing a quiet serenity in her voice which had never been there before.
'Like Mama.'
Colette sighed enviously, "Oh, Joelle, you're glowing—you're so pretty!"
Joelle smiled contentedly, "You know," She said thoughtfully, "I've been called pretty all of my life—even beautiful, but I never believed it. I even felt quite ugly, and the nuns encouraged that feeling. But now, when I'm with Erik… he makes me feel like a goddess—pretty."
"I'm happy for you, Sis." Colette replied genuinely.
Joelle drew her mother's necklace off and removed a ring from the chain, where it had been hiding right behind the locket. Erik had made it while she was sleeping and given it to her right before they left his house. It was a simple silver band with a small, heart shaped diamond at the center. Arranged around the heart were smaller, delicate emeralds shaped like leaves.
Colette gasped as Joelle put it on her finger.
"Might as well put it on now." Joelle said happily. "And you're the first to see it."
"Oh, I've never seen anything so lovely!" Colette gasped, "And it suits you so well!"
Joelle nodded, "He made it for me. He said the heart made of diamond represented the purity and endurance of our love, and the leaves symbolized our future of growth and life together. Green is for all things new and sweet."
"Oh, I'm going to cry!" Colette wailed, "That's too romantic!" After a moment she gave Joelle a teasing, slightly crazy grin. "I want lots of nieces and nephews!"
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
As they walked downstairs, Joelle restrained a sigh at the sight that greeted them:
Dom had his arm slung companionably around Erik's shoulder and chatted animatedly to him about his honeymoon while steadfastly ignoring Raoul, who looked hurt and upset.
'Regardless of how much he changes, my brother, whom I've always admired, cannot let go of the past and give our cousin a chance.' She thought.
Joelle displayed her disapproval at her brother's behavior by going to her cousin before even acknowledging Dom.
She hugged Raoul and kissed his cheek, resting one hand gently and soothingly on his other cheek as she leaned close to whisper in his ear.
"Raoul, I know that you aren't happy right now, but please try to understand that I love Erik and that he makes me happy. I know you're trying to look out for me, and I appreciate it, but I trust him. Can you please try to forgive?"
Raoul sighed wearily, "Only for you."
"Thank you." Joelle saw the pain in his eyes as he looked at Erik and Dom and understood: Erik had what Raoul had always wanted, and never had—Dom's unconditional respect and acceptance as family.
She sighed and caught his eyes again, "He'll come around, hon, just be patient."
Raoul gave her a rueful smile, "Ever you were more mother than cousin to me, Ella. Your children will be lucky to have such a mother."
She smiled and ruffled his hair, "Someone had to look out for you. Now chin up; I have some happy news to tell."
As she went to hug Christine, Joelle slipped Raoul's hand into his wife's.
"He made a good choice in you, Christine. Ignore the self-righteous old biddies in our family who say otherwise and never try to fit their mold. I only ask that you look out for Raoul when no one else can." She whispered, "And welcome to the family."
She gave Dom a glowing smile as she walked over and slipped her hand into Erik's.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Dom saw the dark-haired woman descend the stairs with his wife, he had to blink a few times to be sure it wasn't his mother.
Joelle had taken on her poise, her serenity.
He saw her instinctively move to ease the heart of their cousin and remove the lingering nerves from Christine.
He saw the way Erik's posture completely relaxed as he took Joelle's hand.
Joelle's eyes glistened like stars and, like their mother, she seemed to have a natural calming aura reminiscent of an old mother-earth goddess.
"Good god." He breathed, taking in the change in her, "When did my baby sister turn into a Lady?"
"I've missed you, too, Dom." She replied softly, embracing him. "Welcome home."
Dom sighed, knowing that now was the best time to break the news. "Not my home, Joelle."
"What?"
"I know as the son I'm supposed to inherit the manor, but my heart just isn't here anymore, Joelle." He explained, "Since Mama died, this place is full of ghosts. I can't bear all the loss that echoes in these old stones. But under your hands, it flourishes, Joelle. I spoke to father before I left on the honeymoon. Our allotments have been switched. I've bought the estate bordering ours; Briar Meadows. I want to star anew in a place not stained with my mother's blood. I know you love this place and will do what is best for our people and to preserve our birthplace. The people adore you, and when father dies, you will be Duchess." He smiled, "Father's advisors agree; you can breathe new life into the duchy."
Joelle blinked, taking a moment to think. "I…am touched by your trust in me, Dom, and I wish you the best in all you endeavor. But if you want me to be Lady, you have to accept the man I choose as my Lord." She slipped back into Erik's arms.
"I've asked her to marry me." Erik said.
"And I've accepted." Joelle confirmed, "I love him and I'll marry him no matter what, but it would help to have the approval of the ones I love."
"You certainly have my approval." Came a weary voice from the hall.
Joelle turned to smile at her father. "Thank you, Papa."
"Just know this, son," Lyle said to Erik, "She is the most precious jewel I possess; her heart is as gentle as a summer's breeze, and you are now her main protector. Love her well and keep her safe and save this old man from worrying for his only little girl."
"You will never have to worry for her again." Erik replied solemnly, "I swear it."
Lyle smiled at his daughter and her fiancé a moment more before exiting, "She'd have been so proud of you, Joelle… We both are… You're her living image."
"I will never shame her memory, Papa." She whispered to his retreating form.
There was a long silence, broken finally by Dom's troubled voice. "I have the feeling he won't be with us much longer, Ellie." He said, feeling the incomprehensible fear like that of a small child who finds out his father is only a mortal man, and not as invincible as he once thought.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I know, Dommie, but he's been dying on the inside every day since Mama died. Let's not begrudge him the happiness he seeks in returning to her… They were two matched souls. I think we both know he lost most of him the second she breathed her last. What remains is only here to see us safely to our own soul-mates… He wants us to be happy, but he wants to be free."
"I'm not ready to let go…"
"I know, but we have to."
"When did you become so wise?"
She gave him a bittersweet smile, "Time changes all."
--------------------------------------------------------
As he lay beside Tanelle that night, Rojer found himself restless, unable to sleep. He tried to imagine the thick dark hair silkier, wavier, but the illusion faded quickly.
Rojer sighed sadly and slipped out of the room.
As he looked up at the sky from the solitude of the balcony, he let memories creep up from the carefully guarded cleaner portions of his mind.
"Father, why did Mama leave?" His younger voice drifted up from long ago, a tiny boy with huge eyes and a larger nose.
His father glared in disgust, "It's your fault!" His father had yelled.
That was the beginning of the beatings.
He remembered when Joelle had found out…
He'd run there to escape… At eighteen, still it frightened him… Still his father got him…
He'd fallen to the ground in the garden, bleeding, crying.
He'd never know what had brought her there that late at night, but he liked to think of it as destiny.
She'd been only seven, little and barefoot in a pretty white nightgown.
The shame had been nearly as awful as the pain, and he'd been so afraid that she'd see the flaw in him that his father must be all too aware of to hate him so
"What happened, Roj?" She'd asked gently, kneeling beside him.
Resigned, he'd given a sigh and answered. "…My father…"
She'd hugged him and wiped the tears from his face with her little white hands, then helped him to stand, supporting him on his feet.
"Come with me." She whispered.
"…Where…?"
"Just trust me."
She'd taken him into his normal guest room; the one he always stayed in when he visited, and made him sit on the bed and wait for her. She returned quickly with water, bandages, and salves and cleaned and dressed his wounds with a skill exceeding her age. Her hands had been so gentle, so nimble.
She'd settled him in and tucked him in.
"Joelle, please, I couldn't bear it if…I mean, your parents and Dom…" He'd trailed off.
"Sh, your secret's safe with me." She'd soothed, drying the fresh tears. "Rest now."
"Joelle?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you think my nose makes me ugly?"
"Of course not!" She'd replied, kissing him right above the start of his rather prominent nose. "You've grown up rather handsomely. Now go to sleep and I'll see you tomorrow."
And she'd slipped away like a graceful ghost in her lily white nightgown.
From that day on, he stopped fighting his growing attraction to the youngest Etienne; an attraction he'd previously considered so wrong.
For years after, until the old man finally died of an unfortunate "accident" Joelle had silently patched him up when his father bloodied him and told no one of his disgrace.
With one so lovely supporter, he'd gained confidence.
He had learned one thing from his parents, though: Women were flighty, indecisive creatures, and if a man would keep one, he must hold her like a vise and keep her in line.
"Papa?"
He turned, roused from his thoughts. "What are you doing up at this hour, Rojolin?"
"I had a bad dream, Papa—I thought you'd gone away!"
"Come here Rojo." He took his son into his lap.
"My birthday was last week, Papa." Rojolin said.
Rojer smiled, "Yes, son, I know. I brought presents back to you."
The boy's hopeful grey eyes looked up at him, "Yes, but may I ask one more thing, sir?"
Rojer pretended to think about it, "Well, you've been good, so I suppose so."
Rojolin looked down at his little hands, "Papa, could you please stay just one month longer?"
Rojer was surprised by the request. He'd always resolved not to be like his father, but here he was neglecting his only son. Although it meant being parted from Joelle and his plans longer, he decided to agree. "Of course. After all, it is your birthday."