Please Hold
Acepilot
AN - Another P/K fic which is really more about everyone else than it is about Phil and Kimi. This was written simultaneously with "I Don't Want To Talk About It". They were originally going to be a double-A sided fic, but they both seemed to stand alright on their own. I hope you enjoy this. Please review!
Oh, and I would like to praise Stephen Moffat and his series, Coupling, for being the best show on TV in years. Very very funny stuff. I borrowed the Sock Gap from that show - it's a dialogue spoken by a very Dil-like character.
Disclaimer - the characters contained within this fanfiction are the property of KlaskyCsupo.
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"Come on, pick up, pick up..."
"Hello?"
"Tommy?"
"No, Dil."
"Damn."
"...good to hear from you too, Phil."
"Sorry, Dil. I just really need to talk to Tommy."
"Oh. Well, I can go get him."
"Good. Please."
"What do you need him for?"
"I need to get some advice."
"On what?"
"Girls."
"...aren't you meant to be having dinner at Kimi's tonight?"
"Yes."
"Bit late to be asking for advice, isn't it?"
"A bit, yeah. I'm in her bathroom."
"What the hell are you doing calling for advice from her bathroom for?"
"Just...look, I'm having a slight problem, I need to talk to Tommy."
"Is it the sock gap?"
"...I know I'm going to regret asking this, but...the sock gap?"
"Take my advice and remove your socks now."
"But I've got shoes on!"
"Yeah, that's fine. But you've got to get rid of the socks as quickly as possible. Otherwise, you run the risk of falling into the sock gap."
"...which is?"
"Well, you've got to remove your socks after your shoes but before your underwear, because otherwise you're a naked man in socks. And no woman will...well..."
"Put Tommy on the phone!"
"Alright. I'll get him for you."
"Thank god..."
"Phil?"
"Yes, Tommy!"
"No, Chuckie."
"Chuckie? What..."
"Dil said you needed to talk to Tommy about something."
"So...why am I talking to you?"
"Because Dil went to get Tommy. Anything I can help you with?"
"Uh...no..."
"Come on, try me."
"Really, Chuckie, it's nothing..."
"Phil, I'm your friend. And I'm not hopelessly inept."
"Chuckie, I'm telling you, it's fine, I'll wait for Tommy."
"Phil, I can help you, I'm sure."
"I need advice on how to tactfully get your sister into bed."
"...I'll go see what's taking Dil and Tommy so long."
"Thanks, Chuckie."
"Phil?"
"Tommy?"
"No, it's Stu."
"What? Uh...sorry...I mean, hi, Mr. Pickles."
"Chuckie kind of threw the phone at me, sorry about this. Did you need Tommy for something?"
"Uh...yeah. Guy thing."
"Can I - "
"I really think probably not."
"Oh. That kind of guy thing. The guy thing that involves...girls."
"Yeah, that would be the thing."
"Ah. Well. Yeah, you know, I'll go and -"
"Thanks, Mr. Pickles."
"...Phil?"
"Lil? Where's Tommy?"
"Uh...upstairs, still...he'll be down in a minute..."
"What's taking him so long?"
"He's...rearranging something."
"What could he have been rearranging for ten minutes! His underwear!"
"...um..."
"Forget I asked."
"Aren't you meant to be having dinner with Kimi?"
"I am."
"Then why are you on the phone?"
"Because it's not going well, and I need some help."
"Oh, well, I've got you covered then. What do you need help with?"
"Something I'm not entirely comfortable discussing with you, but thanks for the thought."
"Phil, I know more about girls than you do."
"I'm sure you do."
"Then why are you turning down my offer to help?"
"Lil, have you ever seduced a girl?"
"...no..."
"Then you probably can't help me here."
"Well...I can tell you what girls like - "
"Lil, just please, for the love of god, put Tommy on the phone."
"...Fine. Here you go."
"At last! Tommy!"
"No, I'm sorry, Phil. This is Didi."
"Didi?"
"Lil said you wanted to talk to me about something?"
"Oh. Thanks a lot, sis."
"I'm sorry, Phil, I didn't catch that last part. We must have a bad connection."
"Sorry about that, Mrs. P. Thanks, but I've just realized that I don't really need any help after all. I'll get back to you later, okay?"
"Um...sure, Phil. Nice talking to you."
---
I settle into the couch, Kimi's lips pressed tightly against mine, and sigh in relief. She thought I was a bit sick after I took so long in the bathroom, but this night is finally back on track. I don't need anyone's help or advice. That was just the nerves talking. I can do fine on my own.
And just as I slide my hand under the hem of her shirt -
My mobile phone rings.
I all but scream in frustration and pull it out of my pocket. Kimi, the little nymph, laughs at my irritation. "What?"
"Hey Phil," Tommy says. "I was told I needed to call you back. This isn't a bad time, is it?"
---
the ending was just to be mean to Phil. hey, just because he's my favourite character doesn't mean I shouldn't have some fun at his expense every now and then.