A/N: Just a warning. In case you didn't read the description, there is slash in this story, and this chapter will set it up. So please don't flame me for that. Thanks to any and all reviewers!
"Hey!"
A chirpy masculine voice called from behind me. Such a greeting, of course, required me to turn around and figure out whatever the Hell Sean was so thrilled about. Maybe he had come to collect his afternoon kiss that seemed to be a necessity for me, as his girlfriend, to give him. Or maybe he was inviting me to some lame get together with the gangsters. Either way, I could care less.
But, as usual, my conscience got the best of me, causing me to quickly turn around and greet him. "Hey," I said lamely. "I'm goanna be late for class."
Sean knew as well as I did that if I honestly cared about being on time, there was probably something seriously wrong with me. But I didn't care. After having spoken with Manny…and felt the way I did in her presence, I just wanted to go home, and sleep for a million years. "No you won't," Sean argued. "Simpson's room is right down there. We've got time, I swear."
Time for what, I wondered, as he slid his arm around my waist. When your boyfriend held you, you were supposed to feel loved and appreciated. But for a long time, I had known that there was something wrong with me. Sean's hugs and kisses felt more like rites of ownership than actual symbols of affection. I was such a damn mess.
After what seemed like an eternity, Sean's question came out. "Are you coming tonight?"
Inwardly, I rolled my eyes at the question. "Coming to what?" I asked flatly. I was seriously getting sick of his parties where I was treated like the scum of the Earth simply because it was me, and not Amy that he had his arm around.
"Alex's parents are out of town," he announced cheerfully, as we started to walk. "She's inviting a whole bunch of people." When he noticed that I didn't seem pleased, he quickly added, "Come on, it'll be great. Besides, there'll be so many people there, you'll hardly even notice my friends."
"Fine, whatever," I sighed, realizing that the alternative was spending the night trying to wake my mother up from her drinking binge. "I'll come. See you later."
I didn't know what it was about Sean that repulsed me so much. He was a good-looking guy, in my opinion. He bended rules, and, as Ashley said, he was good for me. Sean was basically everything that a boyfriend was supposed to be. Phone calls every day, kisses in the hall, someone excited to see you after school, you get the picture. But…somehow he wasn't enough for me. I felt like a horrible, selfish bitch for even thinking like that. But ever since Marco had come out as gay…I had felt like there was more out there than bases and "major make out sessions." But of course, there was no way I could ever admit that. Or that there was more to my cutting problem than my dad being in Iraq. Basically, I was just a screwed up bitch. And war or no war, I would always be that. Less than what everyone wanted me to be. I couldn't be popular for Ashley, a boy for Marco, or a well-adjusted daughter for my parents. I would always be the problem, the outcast, and the misfit.
As usual, my mother was sprawled out on the couch, with a loose grip on an empty bottle when I came home. My situation might have shocked some people, but I was quite used to it by now. In fact, I was so used to it that I didn't even bother to wake her up. Instead, I just slumped my bag down in my room, and picked up the phone to call Sean.
"Hey…Ellie?" he asked.
"Yeah, it's me," I said lamely, plopping myself down onto my bed.
"Party starts at six," he told me. "But I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over for a while…maybe we could…"
I nodded, but remembered that Sean couldn't see me through the phone. "Yeah, I'll be right over," I sighed.
"Okay, cool," he said.
"See ya," I murmured. Without waiting for a response, I turned the phone off and set it back on its charger.
I assumed he just wanted to watch T.V. and possibly make out. In all honesty, I had stopped caring what happened when I was with him. Maybe he would kiss me, maybe I would like it, and maybe I wouldn't. But it wasn't anything I wasn't used to.
But
when he greeted me at the door to his house, if you could call it that, he
hardly seemed happy to see me. And,
being the good girlfriend I was supposed to be, I asked him what was wrong.
"The reason I asked you to
come early is because you've seemed kind of…not yourself lately. Do you want to talk?" he asked, his voice
dripping with concern. "Come on, sit
down," he continued, motioning toward his couch.
Obligingly, I followed him into his living room, where he quickly put some books back on his shelf. As usual, Sean had forgotten to clean up before I got here. "You finally noticed something was the matter," I said sarcastically. I had only been cutting for…longer than we had been going out?
"So, are you going to tell me what's up, or do I have to guess?" he asked me. "Look, Elle, I like you a lot, but I'm getting tired of this. It's like…I never know what's up with you. One minute we're like…this perfect working couple, and the next minute you won't talk to me. And I'm your boyfriend, Elle. You can tell me stuff, alright?"
Dammit. Sean had managed to strip me defenseless, so my only options were to lie and claim that everything was fine, or to break up with him. "It's just this whole thing with my dad," I sighed, putting on a convincing front. "My mom's still just wasting her life on the couch with empty bottles of booze and people keep giving me shit about my problem. But it's nothing you did. So don't worry."
"Are you sure?" Sean asked. "Because I want you to be honest with me."
When we talked like this, I remembered what attracted me to him. He did try to understand me, as much as I didn't want to believe it. And everyone thought we were good together…and I had to admit that we were. For the rest of the time we spent together, before the party, I tried to convince myself that it was just my self-induced pessimism getting in the way, when I really could be happy. I supposed that this guy really cared about me, and that I could stand to at least put up a front at this party we were going to.
"Oh, look who decided to show up," Alex sneered, with Amy close by.
"I'm surprised you can be out this early," Amy commented. "You're not going to suck out my blood are you?"
Rather than commenting, I just walked away. I was sick of their shit and I definitely didn't feel like putting up with it tonight. This was one of the few nights I had, where I felt even remotely like a normal teenaged girl. And I wasn't about to let a jealous ex ruin that.
Shifting my attention from Sean's obnoxious friends, I noticed that Alex had rounded up a much larger crowd than I had expected. It seemed as if everyone who was allowed to be at a parentless party was here. I briefly saw Ash talking to Paige, but she didn't say hello. Or if she did, I just didn't notice. And, within fifteen minutes, everyone I could rely on for conversation seemed to have found someone else to talk to. Meaning that I, as usual, had been left to my own devices.
It was okay, I told myself. All I had to do was find Sean and I could get out of here. But it seemed as if I had searched every room on the downstairs level without any luck. Meaning that the only rooms I hadn't checked were upstairs.
As I walked down the upstairs hallway, I heard a female's voice call my name.
Turning, I noticed that Manny was sitting alone in an upstairs bedroom, with the door opened. "Manny?" I called. Last time I checked, she wasn't one of my close friends. She had practically threatened me earlier…and now she wanted to talk to me? I knew that I should have ignored her…but my damn curiosity got the best of me. "What are you doing in there?" I asked her, walking into the pale blue room and shutting the door behind me.
Manny clumsily pulled herself into a sitting position on the queen-sized bed. "Hi Ellie. You know, I was hoping you'd be here," she said, with an unnatural giggle. "It's like…we live in the same world…only not. You get what I'm saying?"
The girl was drunk. I would know the far away look in her eyes, the dizzy movement of her body, and the sleepily ecstatic facial expression all too well after having seen them so many times from my mother. "You should get home," I sternly advised her. "I'm sure someone around here could drive you." I had no idea what made me feel obligated to help her, but it seemed like the right thing to do.
"Talk to me, Ellie," she sighed. "No one ever talks to me anymore. It's like they all forgot that we were even friends."
I swallowed hard as I approached the bed, to sit beside her. Nothing made me more nervous than drunks, despite the fact that I had lived with one for most of my life. That was probably why I was so willing to help her. Because I was codependent. Reliable to everyone but myself. "I…I'm sorry," I murmured. "No one talks to me either," I stated, trying to make conversation without seeming awkward.
"Do you like Sean?" she asked me.
I was shocked at the personal nature of the question. "He's my boyfriend," I gasped. "Of course I like him!" But as I spoke those loyal words, I had a sinking feeling that I was only trying to convince myself.
"I'm tired of being the school slut," Manny admitted. It wasn't her words that scared me. It was the dizzily eager expression in her eyes, as if she was up to something that no one like me would want to be a part of. That feeling compelled me to get up and leave.
"I'll go get Sean," I murmured. "We'll take you home."
"Why don't you like me?" she asked dreamily. "Do you think I'm a slut?" she persisted, loosely leaning forward on the bed.
I turned around. "I don't use that word," I told her. "We've all made our mistakes." Even if Manny's mistakes were more serious than any of mine.
"It's so weird how…everyone used to be nice to me, and as soon as I had the chance to screw up they all just acted like I was worthless. Like I wasn't the same person as before," she continued. Noticing my facial expression, she added, "You get that, don't you?"
I nodded tensely. "Look…I really should…"
"I have a ride," Manny insisted. "J.T.'s got some friends who'll drive me home. Trust me, I'll be fine."
The awkwardness of the situation made me want to scream. It was bad enough that I was up here with a drunk…but worse that she wanted me here. And for some odd reason, I was putting up no resistance. But I figured it was okay. I would just keep an eye on her for a few more minutes, and then J.T.'s friend would take her home. I had no idea how I could have been so stupid. But either way, I returned to the spot where I had been sitting on the bed. "Oh…right," I sighed. "You're with J.T. now." Don't ask me why I cared, but I did.
"I don't know if I can be with him," Manny admitted. "Or anyone after Craig."
My expression was borderline confused. "What are you talking about? There are lots of guys at Degrassi who…"
"Who see me as a living sex toy," Manny sighed angrily, hitting one of the numerous pillows. "Even if J.T. never touches me…he can still do that to me. He could still get me pregnant again…and I couldn't bear to get another abortion…but I don't think I could have the kid…but that's all they want Ellie. You are so lucky your boyfriend was gay."
Clearly she was going overboard. There was nothing lucky about your boyfriend turning out gay. She had no idea what I wouldn't do for him to be straight, and for him to want me again. And here she was, drunk, and spilling her guts out to a complete stranger, and telling me she wanted my gay boyfriend. "Come on," I smiled. "J.T.'s harmless."
"Ellie," she whispered.
"What?" I asked.
"There's something I need to find out," she said, sighing awkwardly. "And…no one else can help me."
Being the idiot that I was, I had no idea what she wanted from me. I assumed she was just going to ask me more questions, or bother me with more J.T. stories. But either way, I would be glad to hear them, just for another minute that I could watch her…and wonder to myself why she fascinated me so much.
But rather than saying another word, Manny pulled my body close to hers, and willed our lips to lock into a passionate kiss. I didn't stop her, but I couldn't kiss back either. All I could think about was the tiny silver blade I had brought with me, in my pocket. Because never in my life had I felt more reason to use it. I should have felt like fighting, I should have hit her…pulled back…resisted…done something. But as she continued, I was too filled with shock to even react.