A/N: Glad everyone is enjoying. Thanks for all the support.

Chapter 12

Never See You Leaving by the Backdoor

Wait 'til they get a load of me, he repeated to himself.

It was time. He had found the last piece of the puzzle right before Sheppard's little incident the night before. He finished all the programming necessary. One very important thing had eluded him and then he got clever. He asked the computer about the proximity of food to the Stargate. He could only find minor mention of there even being a Stargate (and that was something they really needed) until then but the Wraith think with their figurative stomachs so…

He clutched his data pad to his chest. Everything was ready. The generator had been transported up to the main lab. One of the orbs was present. The chair was tied into the main computer. His data pad was connected to the main console. He kept everything away from the generator. PJ had asked why nothing was connected.

Storyteller, definitely a storyteller. "The generator is equipped to receive certain frequencies. I have modified the eyeballs to emit the appropriate frequencies. The chair is needed as a buffer."

"Very well Dr. McKay. Now make sure all goes off without a hitch or that chair will be a constant companion for Col. Sheppard."

"Good will Papa Jae, ain't nothin' in the world like it. Glad to see you're so full of it." McKay faced the main console. Showtime. "I'm going to double check the Yellow Dye No. 5 and the Phosdex and then shut down the timer. I'll keep my end of the bargain…sir."

Papa Jae stood right behind him as he hit the prompt. Warning klaxons went off.

"Oh no."

"Dr. McKay, I warn you if this is some sort of joke…"

"No. There's a virus. The lab released a virus into the system infecting everything in contact with it including your little pets and the shield generator. It has done exactly what I was trying to undo." McKay tapped furiously on his data pad. "The uranium is going critical." Rodney looked PJ in the eye. "It's going to blow and take this entire complex with it."

He frowned as hard as he could. Warning lights flashed on all lab monitors. The orb started flashing. "No, no, no, no. It is transmitting destruct codes to the shield generator."

The generator sat silent.

"Are you sure Dr. McKay? I don't see anything. Shall I send for Col. Sheppard?"

McKay shoved his data pad into Papa Jae's face. It showed a schematic of the generator. "The virus deactivated the warning system on it. The Dye has been drained away so the Illudium can intermix with the modulator."

The eyeball came over and scanned the generator again. Its iris flashed red.

"See even one of your pets agrees! I suggest you evacuate everyone out of here and away from the buildings now! I'll try to hold containment for as long as possible." He ran from console to console. He stood straight up and looked at his captor with complete dread. "Too late."

He had to admit the look of anger, terror and utter despair that washed over Orson's face was wholly fulfilling. He really had to fight the urge not to flip the guy off.

Ah screw it. He lost the fight and showed him mister-middle-digit-finger puppet. The sentiment of the message was received with sparkling clarity.

That was for Sheppard.

There was a blinding flash of intense light and then silence.

"DAMN IT!" is what greeted his ears upon waking from what was most certainly a strange dream. The room had exploded or so he thought. He was certain that if he had stayed on the Puddle Jumper those many months ago that is what his last moments would have looked like.

"Come on you useless, overeducated, bird bath! Know when to succumb to your betters!" Shouted a very angry McKay. "Fuck!" A clattering of metal on hard surface made him wince.

"McKay?"

"Glad your back to enjoy a lazy summer day on Ixion, Colonel. Please don't get up. I will have this stubborn, mechanical farce of a DHD working in a minute!" The man practically grunted out each word.

"Ooo…Kaaay. What happened before this technological menace dared to stage an uprising?" Sheppard looked around and found himself in the shadow of the DHD.

"Smoke and mirrors, Colonel…Son…of…a…bitch. The son of a bitch is…he's still one step ahead." He heard the exasperation in McKay's voice.

"One step ahead?"

"He's smarter than he lets on…like other people I know."

Sheppard smiled unseen by McKay.

"He's sabotaged the DHD so only he can use it." Another line of expletives marched out McKay's mouth.

"Before this McKay." A whirring sound registered with Sheppard and his eyes snapped open and up at the sky above him. "McKay!"

"What?" McKay's face peered down at him.

Sheppard pointed up.

"Oh the girls."

"The girls? The body snatching eyeballs are friends now McKay?"

"Yeah, they brought us here. That was the blinding light you probably saw. Carrie and Christine were our get away vehicles." Sheppard noticed the pride in his voice. "They stunned everyone else near them so we could sneak out the backdoor. They also took the doctor and the generator far away from Orson Wells after they dropped us off. I gave him instructions on what they will need. I just don't know how long we have before the rest wake up and figure out they're not dead."

"Please back up and give my very exhausted and fevered brain an easy listening explanation." Sheppard tried to sit up, but McKay pushed him back down.

"No. I mean it; don't get up. We're more than likely gonna have to make a run for it and I need you to at least be able to put one foot in front of the other."

To Sheppard's own amazement, he did not argue. Instead he kept a steady well answer me then gaze on Rodney.

Rodney went back to the DHD and restarted cursing at and working on the device. "I tricked the computers and everyone into believing an atomic bomb was about to go off. The uranium PU-36 explosive space modulator was going critical because the Illudium Phosdex was intermixing because the yellow dye no. 5 had been removed. Also, all the systems in the Labyrinth are infected with a defensive virus. I mutated it- with style- and turned it loose on the Labyrinth's computer system. Especially that godforsaken succubus of a torture device. Nothing in there will ever work again. And then I made them believe…shit…" there was a pop and a sizzle, "with the help of the girls that the entire complex had blown up. They are like a pair of disco balls- what a light show."

Sheppard nearly busted his gut laughing, and then coughing, and then moaning from the laughing. "Rod--nee McKay, Supaaa Geenius. Illudium Phosdex? Isn't that the shaving cream molecule or something like that?"

"It's your fault. It was all the Looney Tunes talk." The entire DHD shut down. "Whoops."

"Whoops?" Sheppard rolled over to see around the device to look at Rodney.

"Yes whoops Colonel. Carrie come here." The orb descended. "The virus is in all computer files but not in every hardware part." He must have been thinking out loud as he pulled off a panel and pulled out a crystalline part. "Sorry sweetheart, but the only function left to you is to self-destruct so you won't be needing this."

Sheppard watched for a few seconds until he looked down the road that led to the Stargate. "McKay, I think its time to get me to my feet. Company's coming."

"Well, I'll send the girls to stall." He beckoned them to him and lifted up another panel on each. A small keypad was visible. He typed in a few commands and they were off. "They will engage the enemy until we don't register anymore. Then they will enter the atmosphere and self-destruct."

"How long were they out just out of curiosity?" Sheppard asked.

"We've been here about 40 minutes, we're about 3 kilometers," he turned around to look down the road, "he's on horseback or a whatever's-back. 15-20 minutes maybe."

"Good. Hopefully the girls can do that again," said Sheppard.

"Don't you trust me Colonel?" The face that looked at him was waiting for the answer as the hands remained dutifully on their work.

Without hesitation, Sheppard said, "All the way."

Rodney gave a brusque nod and looked back at the innards in his hands. Power returned to the DHD.

"Almost there…let me try and dial it up. Come on, papa needs a new pair of…everything really." He started the dialing sequence. Each symbol lighted up and the corresponding symbol on the Gate followed. "Moment of truth." Rodney said under his breath and hit the middle control.

Never in his life did the swoosh sound so inviting. Sheppard slowly pulled up on the dais and smiled at his friend. "Shall we?" He took a few tentative steps towards the great puddle when twigs snapping caught his attention. His smile fell as Bama came out of the trees 100 yards away and to the right carrying a P90.

McKay turned around to look and started hollering, "Go, go, go!" He grabbed Sheppard placing his body between him and Bama. They stumbled, limped, and skipped to the event horizon. Bullets started whizzing by their heads and ricocheting off of parts of the Stargate.

Rodney kept going dragging him, pulling him and carrying him. He grunted and lurched before throwing himself and thusly Sheppard into the puddle. They landed on the other side with a loud oomph!

After disentangling themselves, Sheppard looked up at the brilliant sky; and over at Rodney who was slowly pulling himself up to all fours; and at Bama as he exited the wormhole; and at his very large boot as he placed it on his shoulder and pressed down on it painfully hard; and then at the P90 he held to McKay's head.

"Papa Jae says it's time to pay the price for pride."

Sheppard did not have enough in him to howl as the stars exploded into supernovas again. He just let out a loud exhale and guttural moan as the boot pressed harder. The P90 swung around into Sheppard's face. This was not the way he had planned on ending his day.

Before he blacked out, a strange thought sparked in his mind. Rodney was right; Bama did sound just like Lurch.

A/N: Oh so close.

P.S.: Craptacular means spectacularly crappy. My husband uses it all the time. Feel free to add it to your own vocab.