A/N: Sorry updates are slow these days. I started school August 15th, so I've been busy, but I won't abandon these stories. This story has the song, "Last Resort," which I believe is by Papa Roach. Either way, I don't own it. But if you don't like the song…or haven't heard it…the story still makes sense.
Manny threw herself onto her bed when she arrived home that night. Her body was weary with self-hatred and pity, and her mind was screaming a thousand messages at once.
"You're going to Hell for what you did."
"You have to live with this for the rest of your life."
"This doesn't count."
"Then why can't you change?"
Before, when she wanted to drown out her thoughts, she would call Emma…whose worldly, selfless concerns would bring her back to Earth. Other times, she would call Craig. But her options were now down to two.
Knowing it was a waste of time; she decided to give choice two one last shot.
"Hello," Manny breathed into the phone."
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
"What do you want?" I demanded. "I told you, I'm not interested."
Suffocation
No breathing
Manny sighed. "Ellie, I honestly don't care one way or another if you return my feelings. I could have anyone at our school. I'm not the one who needs someone."
What was that supposed to mean, I wondered, as I angrily pressed my compass into my arm. I couldn't make friends? It only hurt more when I realized that her words were true. Manny could have a one-night stand with anyone at school, and forget her life for a few moments. But that wasn't…and shouldn't be an option for me.
Don't give a f if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
"Well, fine then," I wanted to say. "Go find someone easy and leave me the Hell alone."
But I didn't say any of those things. Instead, I found myself in tears, just wanting someone to be cared about…the way she so easily could be.
Stop it, Ellie, I reminded myself. STOP IT! I couldn't believe that I was cutting over the phone. But that night, I felt as if I was ready to die.
"I know, Manny," I said wearily. "But at least I'll never be used the way you are."
Cut my life into pieces
She let a quick laugh into the receiver. "Right, Ellie. Just answer this for me. Which one of us did Ashley use to show everyone that she could be perfect without Paige? And who had a boyfriend who used her to hide his sexuality? Or one who used her to make Emma jealous? Let's think about that."
This is my last resort
I wanted to kill her. I seriously did. I wanted to rip out her gorgeous dark hair and stab her to death with my compass. And if I didn't do that, I would pull her into a passionate embrace and kiss her. It was disgusting, how both ideas gave me the same feeling. I wasn't normally a violent person…but she was ruining me, and she had been before she ever even talked to me. "Sean did not date me to make Emma jealous!" I shouted into the phone. "I understood him, we liked each other, Manny, and I'm going to tell you something. We had a relationship based on trust, not on who does what to who. And if he hadn't seen me go into some random upstairs bedroom at that party, he wouldn't have thought I was cheating, and we'd still be together." I hoped that she couldn't hear my muffled sobs over the phone.
Suffocation
Manny laughed lightly. "And I'm assuming that you didn't practically ignore him for about a month before he thought you cheated? And that you didn't basically ditch him for Marco, because he was safer, or start cutting again and let him worry himself sick?"
No breathing
She was right. She always was. But it didn't mean I had to agree. "Manny…" I began.
"You know, Ellie. I thought you were tougher than that. But you sound to me like you're hiding something."
Like what, I wondered. My undying passion for her, of all people? She would be so lucky. I sighed deeply. I should have just hung up the phone. But some part of me must have wanted to argue, because I didn't.
Don't give a f if I cut my arm bleeding
For the first time, since she had the abortion, Manny was able to cry. And she did. I could hear her from the other end of the phone. "You are such a wreck," I hissed.
"Face it, Ellie. We've both ruined our lives. What does it matter anymore if we're girls…or if we get the guys, or what happens anymore?" she asked me.
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
I was hysterical. Was she ready to kill herself? Was my cutting going to lead me to that? These were things I never wanted to consider. "Don't say that!" I shouted. "Don't ever say that!"
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
"I'm sorry, Ellie," Manny sighed, trying to hold back tears. "Can you just come over for a bit? I don't want to ask you this…but…if you want me to leave you alone I will…but I really need to talk to someone."
"J.T.," I suggested flatly. But as I said those words, my attention drifted to the blood that was falling from my arm, from the beginning of our conversation. I needed someone too.
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
"I'm there," I said weakly. I felt so nauseous; I could barely see where I was going. It was as if my feet were leading me to her house, without my mind or body having any control. I was going to die, I thought. And so was she.
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
When I rang the doorbell, my entire body was shaking. A middle aged Hispanic woman opened the door. She seemed relieved to see me standing there, probably glad that I wasn't Craig. But her smile quickly disappeared when she saw me. My hair was falling out of my braids, just hanging off my head like dead weight. And my eyes were glazed over from exhaustion. "Is Manny home?" I asked.
The woman nodded. "Upstairs," she said, opening the door. "Have I seen you before?"
I shook my head, and extended my hand for her to shake. "Ellie," I said. "Ellie Nash. I'm…um…a friend…of Manny's."
Mrs. Santos nodded, and I nonchalantly winced, as she shook my hand, and touched a recent scar, which stung under her handshake. Hoping she wouldn't notice, I pulled my sleeve over my hand, and made a dumb excuse to get away before she noticed. "I'd better not make her wait," I said simply. With that, I began to walk up the stairs.
Manny's door was open, and she was quietly sitting on her bed…the way she had been when this trouble started. "You came," she said weakly. "Are you okay? You look like you're about to die."
"Thanks a lot," I said sarcastically, watching the "perfect" girl sitting there without any makeup, wearing loosely fitting clothes, for once.
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Manny got up to shut the door, and I shuddered at the realization that we were alone. I also realized that I had never seen a room so neat and perfect. It was bright and girly, the type of room that a cheerleader should have. Pictures of Emma, Craig, and J.T. were up on a bulletin board near her desk, and her computer was decorated with flower stickers. In other words, it was like Manny was a guest in her own home. She had a friendly mother, and a huge room…and she had lots of friends. How did she end up this way? If I had a caring mother…or a sober one for that matter, I would never have ended up like Manny.
"Why do you want me here?" I asked her. "Is it just because I'm the only one left?"
Manny shook her head. "If someone's here, I'll stop."
I shook my head. "Stop what?"
She gave me a dirty look, and placed one hand on her hip in irritation. "You know perfectly well what. When other people are around, I can put up an image. I don't cut myself around other people."
I sighed. "You're insane."
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
"If you had my life, you would be too," Manny said, sitting down on her bed.
What was I, her peer mediator? She looked up with an irritated sigh. "I'm not gonna do anything, Ellie. You can sit down," she said hastily.
With a sigh, I sat down beside her.
"I always thought that if a guy paid attention to me, it didn't matter what kind it was. But just look where that attitude got me," she sighed.
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty inside
Hungry
"You liked making a scene," I sighed. "It made you feel important, didn't it?"
She
gave me a curious look. "What are you
talking about?"
"When no one paid attention to
Emma's best friend, you became a cheerleader.
But Paige just used you, and took the glory. So you went out with Craig.
But he dumped you, so you went after that guy…"
Manny's eyes widened, as she shrieked. "Ellie, don't you ever talk about him again!"
I drew back in alarm. "Sully? Why? Did something happen?"
She shook her head, and bit her lip, as if fighting back tears. "No, not Sully. I don't want to talk about it. Just drop it. Now."
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
The girl was in a complete panic…I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to comfort her…however I could…and find out who the guy was, and why she was so angry. But I knew that this wasn't the right time for her to talk. "When I was young, my dad signed up for the military. And that was when my mom started drinking," I began. "After that, we weren't close anymore." I sighed. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this."
Downward spiral, where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
But rather than responding, Manny just began to shiver. "If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be like this."
No love for myself
And no love for another
"Like what?" I asked her, unsure if she was ready to tell me.
Manny wiped a tear from her eye. "If you don't want me, I understand," she breathed. "But I don't know what I'm going to do now…and I guess I thought you could help me. You have to understand that I can't be with guys anymore. I can't tell you why."
Although she didn't tell me, I had a feeling that I knew. If I were right, it would explain everything. But I wished, with all of my heart, that I could be wrong…that she hadn't been through what I thought she had.
Searching to find love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
It was so scary, seeing Manny for who she truly was, on the inside. The person I had kissed at the party was like her outer shell…the image she put off. But now I was talking to a real person…someone who was all but destroyed…who made me seem like a perfectly normal girl.
"I
don't want you," I sighed, looking down at my combat boots. "But if I didn't…I wouldn't keep
arguing…would I?" I asked. My breath
began to shake. Had I really said that
out loud?
Apparently I had. "We don't have to tell anyone," Manny promised. "You can get back with Sean for all I
care. It can be a secret."
Cuz I'm losing my sight
I shook my head. "I don't believe in cheating, Manny." I knew that sentence would probably hit a rough spot in her psyche, but she seemed pretty unaffected by it.
Losing my mind
"Fine," Manny said. "But just think about it. How much more of an outcast can you be?"
I really didn't want to hear that from her. Marco was gay. Not me. But somehow I couldn't stop wanting her…as wrong as it was.
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
If I said yes, someone would care about me. I wasn't sure how long it would last…but I would be loved. I just hoped that she wouldn't push me too far. But if I said no, I would be completely alone…but without breaking the rules society had created. But I had to decide now. Whatever I said would be final. "Okay," I sighed, hating myself for submitting.
Manny seemed alarmed, as if she hadn't expected me to agree. "Really? Are…are you sure?"
I gasped. "Please, stop," I said. "I don't want to discuss it. I said okay."
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I just couldn't believe that I was lonely enough to accept love from a girl like Manny. But at this point, I would take it.
"Okay," Manny said, offering a weak smile. "But I want you to be sure."
With that, I gave her a quick kiss, more out of affirmation than actual desire. "I'm sure, Manny. I'm already screwed."
Nothing's all right
Nothing is fine
After that, she leaned in to kiss me back, and I began to feel nauseous. All I could think about was how wrong it was…how weak I was to give in…even for what mild of a relationship we could have. My first reaction was to take a run for it…but I knew that I couldn't. That was what caused me to burst into tears…again, right in front of her. I was pathetic, just sitting on her bed, bawling.
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying now
I'm crying now
I'm crying now
I'm crying now
She seemed hesitant to offer comfort, but she eventually took me in her arms and ran her fingers through my hair. My mother used to do that, when I was young…and got scared. And that just made me cry harder.
I can't go on living this way
"Don't kill yourself, Ellie," Manny pleaded.
"Why?" I demanded. "Why should I stay?"
"Because…I can't explain it, Ellie, but if there's hope for you…" she paused, as if she were afraid of sounding stupid. "I just want you to stay, Ellie. Don't cry," she pleaded.
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Searching for the only source of comfort I had, I put my arm around her, just relieved that while I was breaking down, someone was there…someone cared.
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f if I cut my arm bleeding
"Just promise me you'll try to stop," Manny sighed.
"I will if you will," I cried.
"Deal," she sighed.
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Once I was slightly composed, I had to ask the question that was burning in my mind. "You miss Craig, don't you?"
Chances are that I might
Manny shook her head. "I don't like him, Ellie. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Even if I do…I can't be with guys anymore. And someday I'll tell you why. I promise."
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Manny took me into her bathroom, and gave me a washcloth to wash off my face, which was smeared with black eyeliner and mascara that was running down my cheeks.
"You look like a coal miner," she commented, handing me a towel.
Her comment could only get a weak laugh out of me. I just wanted to go home. But not to the home I had now.
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
"Ellie," she said, as I ran cold water onto the washcloth.
"Hmm?" I asked.
"I don't think you're crazy," she said.
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
"Only one other person has ever said that to me," I told her.
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
"Sean," she sighed. "Do you miss him?"
It was an unfair question to ask. If I said yes, I would hurt the only person who cared. But if I said no…she was bound to see through it, the way she saw through everything else I said to her. "We just broke up," I told her. "But I'm not going to run after him, if that's what you think."
Yes, I thought. I do miss Sean. If he hadn't broken up with me, he could be the one to comfort me. But I had never let him.
Nothing's all right
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
When I finally returned home, I found my mother exactly where she had been when I left. My conscience was thick with blame. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be so dependent on other people. If it hadn't been for Marco, I would still be with a guy. Then if I hadn't gone into that room with Manny, Sean wouldn't have assumed I was ignoring him to hide the fact that I was cheating. And if Dad hadn't left…the what ifs were too overwhelming to even consider.
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
But as I slid into my room, my safe haven, I realized that I had one message on my answering machine.
"Hey, Ellie, it's Sean. Listen…I was having a really bad day yesterday…and…you know…I get really angry sometimes. Look, what I'm trying to say is…I'm sorry. Just call me back when you get this, okay?"
Nothing is fine