I had no idea whether or not to call Sean. I missed him...and it was tearing a hole inside me. How easy it would have been, just to take him back, simply for a few more days of pretending. But what was more real? My relationship with Sean, in which I spent half my time trying to conceal my scars and inner conflicts, or my relationship with Manny, where she only wanted me out of a phobia, and where I couldn't even decide if my mixed feelings for her were real? And which one was worth perusing? Sean was an acceptable person to love, but that didn't mean that I did. And with Manny, I really felt like I was special to her...perhaps because she knew me better than Sean ever could, no matter how hard he tried. But if I tried to get back what I had with Sean, I could lose what little I had with Manny. But that was how it was supposed to be. Girls were supposed to love boys. In storybooks, girls didn't cut and find solace in null romances. I sighed at the thought. I was so far away from the type of girl in those books...I didn't even know why I was considering it.

I spent hours contemplating whether or not to call Sean back. And that was when the thought first crossed my mind. What if I didn't want him that way? What if we had only been friends? I couldn't believe that I was questioning my sexuality. What was worse...was the fact that this was one thing I couldn't blame Manny for. I suppose Marco coming out to me had made me see it as a real issue...something that could happen to the most unlikely people. Even me.

But I remembered what had happened to Marco when he came out. How he had been jumped. What would have happened if I had been in Marco? Would they have been more accepting? Or would they have tried to "prove to me that I was straight?" The thought scared me so deeply that I wanted to break up with Manny right then, just to protect myself.

Then it hit me. Who was better at pretending than I was? She had told me that I could get back together with Sean. But did I believe in cheating? Apparently, because within moments, I was on the phone with him, waiting to accept his apology.

"Hi, it's Ellie," I said, when I heard Sean's voice on the other end. "I got your call."

I sat down at my desk, as if I thought that the information would be easier to absorb while I was sitting, in the safety of my room.

"Ellie, I am really sorry about what happened between us," he sighed. "I just...I felt like I had tried everything, and I still couldn't help you. You didn't want to do anything...for almost a month, and every time you did talk, it seemed more like you had to, than you wanted to. And...sometimes I get really angry. Like that time I fought Jimmy. And I'm sorry."

It took me a moment to recover. "I know I don't talk...I'm sorry too," I mumbled. "I'll try to be better if you give me another chance."

Sean considered this. "I don't know, Elle. Maybe we should just take things slow and just try being friends for a while, and see how it goes. Because that's what you say whenever we get into fights. You'll try harder, you're sorry, you're stressed. And if you don't think it's working out, you can tell me."

"There's someone else, isn't there?" I asked him.

He sounded appalled. "What? No! Ellie, what are you talking about?"

"Why do you want me not to like you?" I demanded.

"I don't," Sean sighed. "I would do anything to make this work. But I just get this feeling that you want something else...something that I can't give you."

I felt a lump in my throat. "Like what?" I demanded.

"Look, Ellie. I still care about you. But you have to admit that our relationship has been going downhill for about a month now. And I'm sorry that I was the first one to admit it, but I think the world of you, and I seriously hope that we can get back together someday. But for now...I think it would be better if..." he hesitated.

"You want to see other people?" I asked him. "Do you like Emma again?"

If he did, he didn't admit it. "You wouldn't care, would you?" he asked me testingly.

I was taken aback. "Of course I would...I...I'd..."

Sean wasn't convinced. "What do you care about?" he asked me.

"Sean...I care about a lot of things," I argued defensively.

"Yeah? Well...let me know when you think of something," he said.

When we finally hung up, I couldn't even cry. He was right to break up with me. I hadn't been a good girlfriend to him. And he had every right to go after someone who would be. But that didn't mean I liked it. And I knew that deep down he didn't either.

............................................................................................................

I didn't want to see Manny the next day, or anyone for that matter. But, as usual, everyone was on my trail. That wasn't what shocked me. It was their reasoning behind it.

"Ellie!" Emma called to me. "Ellie. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

My mind fell into a state of confusion? Since when did girls like her talk to me? I hoped it wasn't about...

I nodded tensely. "Sure," I said, continuing to walk.

"I saw you and Manny talking yesterday at lunch. Are you guys friends?" she asked me.

My entire body tensed when I heard the question. "Um...you could say that I guess. We just got to know each other a few days ago," I finished. It wasn't entirely a lie, but got to know each other was certainly downplaying the situation.

Emma gasped. "Okay, I really don't want to bug you...but I'm worried about her. She goes in the bathroom by herself almost every day...and she doesn't seem to be eating as much as she should be. I dunno...do you think maybe you could talk to her for me?"

I honestly had no idea what to say. If Manny went down for her nasty habits, then I would definitely fall with her. But there was no way I was going to say that to Emma. Instead, I just said, "I...dunno that much. Sure, I'll talk to her...I guess."

Emma nodded. "Okay, thank you so much. Because I'm really worried about her...and I still care about her...even though all that stuff happened."

I shrugged. "Yea...alright. Later."

Out of curiosity, I decided to check the nearby bathroom to find out if Manny was in there...as Emma said she would be. But, as always with planned trips, she wasn't. So I supposed I would have to wait.

When I finally did see her, I was outside, for lunch. "Hey, Manny," I said, taking a seat on the grass.

"Hi," she responded.

"Oh...Emma's worried about you. She wanted me to tell you that she still cares...or something like that," I mumbled. At least now, I could feel secure that I had done the right thing and told Manny what I was supposed to.

Manny rolled her eyes. "She cares exactly as much as Ashley does. Only enough to make herself look good."

I nodded. She had an excellent point.

But there was one thing on my mind that would not leave no matter how hard I tried to make it. "Manny...I want to ask you something," I said, lowering my voice so that it was barely above a whisper.

She nodded. "Sure."

"How is this going to work? Are we just going to pretend to be friends at school forever...or are we going to tell someone?"
Manny looked confused. "Forever? Ellie...we only started talking about a week ago. I don't seriously get what you're talking about."

I rolled my eyes. "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Are we going to hide this forever?"

She looked at me with a solemn gaze. "It's a cruel world, Elle. And it's even crueler when you're not straight...or don't appear to be. So just think about how badly you want the world to know that you're with the school tramp."

Instantly, my mouth went dry. "I never said I was ashamed of you."

"But you are," she stated. "Just think about that."