A/N: The song in this poem belongs to Evanescence, not to me. It's not about rape...despite the suggestion of the theme at the end of the song. I used a second meaning of the words.

Long lost words whisper slowly, to me

I couldn't believe, that once again, Manny was trying to make me responsible for everything that was happening. She was the one who seemed to be insisting on our completely unreasonable relationship to begin with, and now she was trying to convince me that I had wanted to be with her. That at least some part of me liked having her around, even if I only liked her as a last resort.

Of course, I didn't want to believe her. But if I hadn't liked her, at least a little bit, I would have gotten rid of her before we could have had time for a second kiss. And I also couldn't pretend to be naïve about the girl I was dating. I had to have known perfectly well what dating Manny implied, even if it was horrible to think about. Every time I thought of her as the horrible slut that everyone made her out to be, I wondered what that said about me, that I was low enough to be attracted to her...when I wasn't even completely sure I liked girls that way.

Dammit, Ellie, I thought to myself.

"What do you want from me?" I spat back at Manny. "Do you honestly want me as your secret girlfriend or something? Or am I just part of your plan to make you more attractive to guys?"

Manny looked shocked. "Don't even touch that Ellie. You have no idea what you're talking about."

I threw her a dirty look. "Don't I? Honestly, Manny. You're straight. You and I both know it. So what else would you be doing with me?"

Manny sheepishly shifted her gaze so that she wouldn't have to make eye contact with me, for the rest of our conversation. "You don't know why I was the way I was. And it sickens me how, no matter what the circumstances are, that no one seems to want to listen. It's like, they can't even begin to grasp the idea that maybe I do tell the truth sometimes. I'm living up to my mistakes, and I'm paying for them. Trust me on that."

Why was it that every time I saw her, I loved her, and hated her more? There was a small part of me that wanted to never see her again, but the small portion of me that wanted to understand, and to know why she needed me, instead of Craig, J.T., or Sully easily beat it.

"No, Manny," I said, softening my tone ever so slightly. "I do want to listen. I guess I just want to know why you picked me. I know we've talked about it, but I'm still confused."

"Look," she hesitated. "I like you now. So why should we have to analyze it all like that?"

I couldn't understand why I couldn't come up with a good explanation. "Because..." I paused for a moment. Why was it so important that I knew why she liked me?

"I get it," she said. "You want to know why I like you...because you want to know what you're doing with me."

I nodded tensely. I agreed with her, but I hadn't planned to put it so bluntly. Yes. It was a question that had tormented me since the night she kissed me at the party.

Still can't find what keeps me here

"You want me to answer that?" she asked me.

I nodded. "Please," I begged her.

The sound of the end of lunch bell could faintly be heard from the courtyard, and most of the students took it as their cues to reenter the building. "You don't care about missing classes, do you?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I've done it before." As much as I didn't want Saturday school, it wouldn't exactly be a new experience for me. Besides, it was hardly as if my mother would be awake when the school called to complain that instead of simply allowing my mind to wander miles away from the subjects being taught, I was just letting my body leave with it.

"Good, because it's going to take a while for me to explain," she said, offering a half smile. She seemed pleased, at least, that I was willing to follow her.

It still amazed me how easy it was to simply walk away from school, saving the consequences for later. I only wished it were that easy to walk away from life.

"Don't tell anyone what I say," Manny told me. "Because I don't exactly talk about this kind of thing very often."

I nodded, wondering what a girl like Manny could possibly still have hidden, after the world knew about her abortion.

When all this time I've been so hollow

I know you're still there

We kept on walking until we reached a local park. It seemed as if Manny wouldn't be satisfied until she was certain that no one would overhear our conversation. "Have you heard about what happened to Paige?" Manny asked, her voice shaking nervously, as she sat down on a bench.

I nodded. "Kind of. Isn't she pressing charges against some guy for..."

"Yes," Manny stated. "You know what he did, but that's not the point. You also know that I liked him for a while."

I was shocked. "You did?" I tried my hardest to hide my disgust. From what I had heard of him, he was basically the lowest of scum.

"Well, I was stupid, right?" Manny asked. "I didn't know anything about who he was, or what he was. All I knew was that Paige got him, and I didn't. And if it wasn't him, it was someone, or something else. She had everything I wanted, and I couldn't understand why."

I realized that now was definitely not the time to make a cynical comment about Paige. "Go on," I said, trying not to discourage Manny from giving me the full explanation.

"She told me that the reason guys didn't go for me was because I was adorable. You needed to be hot to get a boyfriend. And, by then, everyone knew that she and Dean had sex. Back then I didn't know the whole story. I figured that maybe the girls who acted mature and sexy were the ones guys would go for. So I tried that image for a while, but Sully showed me that I definitely didn't want that kind of attention. I didn't want to be liked for being a slut."

Watching me

"Makes sense," I commented.

"But by then, rumor had spread all around the school that I was easy," she continued. "And it was like...everything I had tried to be was completely ruined. Once I lost my virginity, I couldn't go back, and my reputation wouldn't change no matter what I tried to do to turn my life around. So, I guess I figured that since I had already established myself as trash, I might as well go for someone I actually wanted."

Wanting me

I can feel you pull me down

It did make sense, but her explanation still left some gray areas. "Okay, that makes sense," I paused, indicating for her to continue the story.

Fearing you, loving you

"I wanted to be loved so badly that I would do anything for it. Whatever it took. But, of course, I felt guilty about what I had done. I started cutting and sometimes even drinking to stop feeling guilty. I guess deep down, I felt that every guy would be the one to save me, or fall in love with me, so I wouldn't have to do it again."

I won't let you pull me down

This explanation left me with mixed feelings. Maybe it had been stupid of her to do the things she did, but she must have been hurting so much to be compelled to search for love that way.

"And Ellie...I want someone who cares about me, and isn't going to show me off like a prize, and who doesn't just stay with me for sex. You're just the only person who seems to not be so caught up in high school drama that you can't care about anything, or anyone else," she explained. "And you have your own style. You don't think the way everyone else does. It's not just your red hair or alternative clothes. It's the way you just manage to pull off everything you do without trying too hard. And when you talk about problems, they're real. They're about more than just Spinner calling you the wrong pet name, or Heather Sinclair's haircut."

I nodded, and after I heard her explanation, I had this sudden acceptance of where I was. Somehow I felt that we needed each other the way she thought we did. Manny's words were flattering, but I didn't want to give in. There was still a part of me that had to had to stay away...and it was the part of me that needed to be convinced to either stay or go. "Okay...so...I just...well...I'm flattered...but..." I hesitated, hoping she would understand what I wanted to ask her.

Manny sighed. "You want to know what you're doing with me?" she asked.

I nodded. "I wouldn't have put it that way...but I guess so. Yeah," I added lamely.

"Ellie, think about it. Ever since I met you, I thought that you were different. Just tell me. Did you ever think about girls before I kissed you? I'm not trying to judge you, I just want to know."

Manny's words hit a rough spot in my psyche, a part of me I didn't exactly want to address. "I like guys," I stated sharply, scooting a few inches farther from her on the bench. For a few moments, I was just confused as to what side I was supposed to defend. If I told her that I liked girls, she would be happy. But what if it wasn't true?

"You do like guys," Manny admitted. "But...I don't think that's all. And I'm not just saying that because I like you. I'm saying that because I think it's true, and I think you know it is too."

I never completely understood how Manny managed to completely eliminate every barrier and defense mechanism I had created, and just leave me with nowhere to hide. After her words registered in my mind, I immediately became short of breath. "I like you as a person, Manny, and that's why I'm attracted to you. It doesn't mean anything about my sexuality."

"So you are attracted to me?" she asked softly, without sounding vain.

How had I let myself admit it? My body was completely frozen, and I seriously wanted to die. "What am I supposed to say?" I asked, snapping the rubber band that was on my wrist.

"What you feel, Ellie," she told me. "If you don't want to be with me, I want you to tell me. I'm sorry if I pushed it on you, but it's your decision. I want to know how you feel too."

Of course, I hadn't wanted this moment to ever come. Right now, I had a few short seconds to tell Manny how I really felt, regardless of my decision. Talking to her, and repressing my thoughts was getting me nowhere. It was time that I found out for sure. I began to shiver, momentarily as I pulled Manny close to me, and pressed my lips against hers. I could feel her immediately kiss back, allowing me to notice that she was wearing a sort of strawberry lip-gloss. Everything about her was beautiful. Besides her body and face, I was becoming absorbed in the soft, fruity smell of her shampoo, the strawberry taste of her lips, the way she held me while we kissed, and simply the fact that I had never had a kiss that had been this wonderful. For a few moments, she was the only thing that existed in my world. I didn't have an alcoholic mother, or a father away at war. I didn't have fickle friends or a detention waiting upon my arrival. I just had Manny here, with me. It was completely horrifying, yet invigorating at the same time. All I knew was that I didn't want to stop, and I didn't pull away until I couldn't hold my breath any longer. But it was a moment where mundane factors like breathing hardly seemed to matter. It wasn't until we finally pulled away that I could truly rationalize what had happened.

Hunting you, I can smell you, alive Your heart pounding in my head

Manny looked down awkwardly, as did I. I just wished that there were some way I could have read her mind...known if what I had done had been wrong. All I wanted was to be alone to be with my feelings, to comprehend what had happened. But the time I spent considering my situation would be time away from the girl I finally knew that I had feelings for.

Manny looked up, eyeing me with a sort of shy and awkward, flickering smile that was trying to make itself less obvious. "Did you like that?" she asked me.

I nodded tensely. I was so inclined to keep her, that I didn't care how truly afraid I was. "Did you?" I asked, in return. Please say you did, I thought to myself. Of course, it wasn't as if she had never kissed me before. But this had been the first time I had ever truly felt something...and made the first move. This, to me, felt more like a first kiss was supposed to be than any I had experienced. Everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be, but it wasn't supposed to happen with Manny. It was supposed to happen with Sean, or another boy, in a respectable relationship, built on mutual...

Screw that, I thought.

She nodded as well, and within a few moments, we shared another kiss, almost as intense as the last, minus the shock and fear from the first one.

Watching me, wanting me

I can feel you pull me down

"Manny?" I asked her, when we finally took a breath.

"Mmhm?" she asked.

"What are we going to do if someone finds out?"

I nervously waited for her answer.

"They already think what they want to about us," she told me. "But sometimes you can be wrong about people."

I, of course, knew what she was implying. I also knew that, somewhere in my subconscious; I had wanted it to be this way.

I just hoped beyond hope that today wouldn't be the last day that Manny and I could completely be together. This was here, and now, but we would eventually have to go back to school, and face reality. In the real world, you couldn't pause time and return when you were ready to accept what was happening. In a way, I felt happy that someone loved me, but I also knew that I had betrayed myself. I had never wanted to be this way. I had fought so hard to stay straight, that it had been the last straw in my series of problems that led me to become a cutter. And now, I was being forced to relive the shame that I thought I had escaped.

Saving me, raping me

Watching me

But maybe I should have been more grateful to Manny. I had only needed to cut when my emotions were so strong that I hadn't been able to cry anymore. And now, I was bawling. "People will have to know," I whispered, when I was ready to talk. "I don't want to be a bisexual kid. I want to be normal, I've tried so hard."

"You aren't normal, Ellie. You're better than that. You think for yourself, and you know what's right for you." Manny objected, putting her arm around me. "And if they can't accept it, then they aren't worth your time."

"They won't accept it," I said finally, resting my head on her shoulder. "I just don't know why I have to be this way."

"But you are," Manny told me. "And you can't change it."

Watching me, wanting me I can feel you pull me down

I just continued to cry for a few moments.

"We don't have to tell anyone," Manny repeated. "But you're not 'the weird kid' until you let those people make you believe the things they say about you. But if you're bad for being who you are, then so am I. And so are Marco and Dylan, and Ashley's father. None of us did anything to earn being what we are...we just are. Please don't cry."

I couldn't believe that the girl who had told me to shut up, just a few hours ago, was being so gentle with me. But it didn't matter. What mattered was that I finally knew what I was, and that right now, I didn't need to think about what that meant. Unfortunately, I wasn't going to be able to keep that attitude for much longer.

Fearing you, loving you I won't let you pull me down