A/N: I hope this update is okay. It has the song, I Hate Everything About You by 3 Days Grace, and I don't own that. It also hints at some adult situations, so if that offends you, don't read it.
I tried talking to Manny about what happened. Every time she called me, or I called her, I subconsciously wished that her façade would return, and she would continue to compliment me on random aspects of my appearance, and tell me that she needed me, for whatever strange reasons she made up. But since she and Spinner hooked up, she spent half her time acting like nothing happened, and the other half trying to convince me to go to her house, or meet her somewhere. The first time, I had agreed, but I usually put it off. The problem was that, if she wasn't trying to secretly get together with me somewhere, she was telling me about her love life as if nothing had ever happened between us. After about a month of stories about her sex life with Spinner, and how much she hated Marco, I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.
I remember one day I saw Marco arguing with her in the hallway, and I asked him what was going on. He took me aside, and told me what Manny called him. I was appalled, but didn't say much. She walked out of school with Spinner, and didn't say a word to me.
"I don't understand her," Marco told me. "It's not like she doesn't have any faults of her own. Lately every time I'm even around her, she tells me to keep the 'gayness' away from her. I just don't see what her problem is."
I did. But I didn't say anything. "Yeah. She is being pretty bitchy lately."
"Really?" Marco asked me. "What else is she doing?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. She just…bothers me. That's all."
"Ellie, no one ever just bothers you," Marco reminded me, as we sat by the window, waiting for his mom to pick us up from school. "You always have a reason when you're pissed off with someone."
"I don't like how she treats me friends," I told him sharply. "She's gross and mean, and she gives people way too much information about her life."
Marco gave me a questioning look. "Why does she talk to you all of a sudden?"
I shook my head. "I don't know."
"You know, there are rumors going around that she's been experimenting with girls," Marco told me. "I think she's calling me what she is to try to cover it a bit."
If I hadn't been seated, I would have jumped. "What? Which girls?"
Marco shrugged. "I honestly don't know. She's basically getting worse by the second though. I mean, she gets okay guys…but I have a feeling Rick could get a girl like her. Just so long as he was nasty enough to go with it."
I had never heard Marco be that rude about anyone. "Why do you hate her so much?"
Marco shook his head. "Because everyone can forgive her being a slut, because it's convenient. But no one can forgive me for being gay."
All she was really guilty of was taking what Marco didn't want. "I guess I can see that."
I knew that Marco was still my friend, and that I could call him, or Ashley, whenever I wanted to, but it didn't help to make things make sense again. I kept my eyes open, but there was no one else that interested me, on either side. I needed Manny back, and I couldn't understand why. She insulted one of my best friends, she treated everyone like dirt, she was a slut, and she had all the qualities of someone I would hate. But I didn't.
A few weeks later, Manny called me again, at one thirty on a Friday night. I had been awake the entire night, absorbing the effects of my last cutting binge. I had cut myself in numerous places, but nothing I did hurt enough to even begin to reduce what I was feeling. But when I thought about Manny, the emotional pain sufficed for that purpose.
"Spinner and I broke up," she announced.
"So, am I supposed to care?" I asked her, falling back onto my bed.
Every time we lie awakeAfter every hit we take
"Will you come over?" Manny asked me.
"It's one in the morning," I reminded her. "And even if it weren't, I'm not falling for you anymore." Lie. "And even if you and Spinner are separated for now, I'm not that desperate to have someone." Lie. "Do you think I'm honestly going to let you treat me that way?" Lie. "Because…"
"Because there's no one else at Degrassi who pays attention to you, and naturally you listen to everything anyone says about me. What, at this point, do you really have to lose by coming to my house?"
All the feelings that I get But I still don't miss you yet"You get me to like you by telling me that I'm such a wreck that spending time with you is the least of my problems. How sweet," I said sarcastically.
"You aren't mad because I say that. You're mad because I'm right," Manny reminded me, continuing her perverse psychology.
"You are such a bitch!" I shouted.
"Do you want to wake the neighbors?" Manny demanded. "If you talk to me on the phone, your mother's going to wake up and yell at you. And then you'll be depressed again. My parents aren't home tonight…so what do you have to lose by coming to my house?"
Every roommate kept awakeBy every sigh and scream we make
"A lot," I told her. "You treat my friends like shit, and you cheat one me. Why the hell would I want you back?"
All the feelings that I get But I still don't miss you yet"Because you can always trust me to be inconsistent and bitchy. Everyone else could turn on you at any moment. That's what Sully told me he loved about me, and maybe you agree," she suggested.
Only when I stop to think about it"Alright," I sighed. "I'll come over."
I should have known, before agreeing, that Manny didn't invite me to talk. She could have apologized for treating me badly, or at least done something that made sense. But instead, all she said was, "I was with Spinner, but I don't cheat," and then kissed me, continuously. I found myself unable to do anything but go along with whatever she was doing. I was sitting on her bed, allowing her to press her lips against mine, and hold me as if nothing had ever happened, and the obvious still hadn't hit me.
When she started trying to undo my blouse, I finally managed to react. "Manny!" I shrieked. "No. Stop that."
I hate everything about youWhy do I love you?
"Sorry," Manny said irately. "I should know better than to try to scar your innocence."
After that, I pretty much gave up. For every argument I had as to why I shouldn't be with her, she had a counterargument. I practiced self-mutilation, and nothing hurt more than letting Manny take the last strand of purity I had left, feeling torn between loving her, and hating every fiber of her being, knowing that by Monday she and Spinner would most likely be back together, and none of this would count. But for the moment, it did.
I hate everything about youWhy do I love you?
Eventually, it was over, and I couldn't bear to look at her, so I kept my focus on the ceiling. I had never done anything this awful before. It wasn't just the notion of purity. God knew there were plenty of non-virgins at Degrassi. It was the fact that I had let someone who treated my friends and me as badly as she did, destroy that purity.
"I have a question," I whispered, still not looking at her.
She nodded, still not completely letting go. "Mhmm."
"Were there other girls?" I asked her.
"Why do you care, Ellie?" Manny asked me. "Even if there weren't, it doesn't make being with me a lesser crime."
"Not if I don't tell anyone," I insisted.
Manny sighed, with a half-smile. "Finally."
My refusal to tell wasn't an act of rebellion, or something I did to impress Manny. It was basically what determined whether or not I'd be able to live with myself. What would Marco say if he thought I had done this, with the girl who said those things about him? What would Ashley say? I didn't even want to think about it. I had to keep my mind completely blank; to avoid the rush of mixed feelings going through me.
Every feeling that I getBut I haven't missed you yet
"So, what are you going to do now?" Manny asked me.
I didn't want to answer.
Only when I stop to think about it I hate everything about you Why do I love you?I couldn't believe I had let this happen. I had basically allowed myself to become just as disgusting as the people I despised. Paige wasn't fake, and Hazel wasn't the girl who blindly let other people sway her. Ashley wasn't desperate, and Marco wasn't 'confused.' Because now, I was the one who owned every negative label I had applied to my friends. And I wanted it to be over.
I hate everything about youWhy do I love you?
For the next few days, Manny and I didn't speak. I supposed that having lost your virginity to someone over the weekend didn't give you an excuse to talk to them the following Monday. But I didn't even need to talk to Manny to know that something was definitely wrong.
For starters, I had only been at school for about ten minutes on Monday morning, before Ashley was at my locker, looking like she was ready to kill me. "What's up?" I asked, attempting to sound casual as I stuffed six books into my locker.
"Craig told me what happened," Ashley snapped. "And I'm just glad you're happy, because that's all that matters."
With that, she left, giving me no chance to respond. I didn't think I would have been capable of responding if Ashley had stood there for an entire day, waiting for a reply. Craig? Manny told Craig? Why? Why did Craig need to know what happened? And why the hell did I let it happen.
"I can't believe you!" Marco shouted. "I thought she was a slut, but you're no better."
My alarm clock clamored, and I realized that Monday hadn't even started, and that I might have been was to endure the dream again, for real this time.
The dream was slightly wrong. No one was shouting at me, accusing me of anything, or even looking at me, for that matter. But I knew by the way Manny occasionally stared at me, and quickly looked away; the way she looked at me, and the way she didn't; the way she didn't talk to me, and the way she didn't want to know how I was, that it had definitely happened. This was definitely real. I had just given myself to someone, just to make her all the more satisfied to throw me away.
Only when I stop to think about you, I knowOnly when you stop to think about me, do you know
So, I had to evaluate what I had done. While I was ignoring my math lesson, I began to analyze everything. I had a love-hate interest in Manny, and I didn't think there was any way I could stop her from controlling me. I had just let her do this to me, and now I was basically nothing to her, as I always had been. I had always tried to cut myself more, or push myself deeper, but I always ended up in the same place. Sitting around, waiting for something decent that would never come.
I hate everything about youWhy do I love you?
When I was little, I had always been unhappy in school. People teased me for not being like everyone else, and my classes were dull and tedious. Home was my sanctity away from school. Then, as I got older, the roles reversed. Now there was no place for me to go that didn't all seem the same. I needed to figure out what I was going to do, and I needed to get away from the constant ticking of the clock, and the hushed murmurs in the back of the room. But where was I going to go?
Desperately, I pulled a piece of notebook paper out of my binder, and attempted something I had done many times. After the date, I wrote, Please excuse Ellie Nash from blocks 6-8. She has a dentist appointment, and I probably won't be able to bring her back in time for the end of 8th block. Thank you.
I signed my mother's name, and took it to the office on my way out. I wasn't exactly sure where I was going to go once I got out of school, but it had to be somewhere I could think for a while.
You hate everything about meWhy do you love me?
I remembered hearing about a place from Marco, where LGBT teens could go to get support. The only problem was that I wasn't even sure if I fit that criterion. And if I had ever thought about it for long enough, I would have known that my confusion was one thing I couldn't blame on Manny.
I hateYou hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?