When Saturday finally came, I almost considered calling Marco and canceling. Every article of clothing from my closet and drawers had been tossed either on the floor or on the bed. My red hair hung in tangled clumps, halfway inside the two bands that would hold it into braids. After ten minutes of trying to eliminate the frizz, I threw my brush across the room, letting it fall obscurely into a pile of clothes. Feeling defeated, I stepped in front of the mirror and examined myself. I hated my hair. I hated all my clothes as well. As I slid out of the old t-shirt I had decided against, I realized that I hated my body as well. My parents had always told me that I was beautiful, but if that were true, someone other than the school slut would want me. Angrily, I threw myself onto my bed, and tried to stop thinking.

My alarm buzzed, indicating that Marco was coming in about thirty minutes. Meaning that there would be no possible way for me to escape. I sighed, and settled for a green plaid skirt over tight black jeans and a black shirt with armbands to hide my scars. I decided not to braid my hair, and let it hang loose, with the remnant waves that remained shortly after hair was braided.

While I was waiting for Marco, I started to think about my parents. My mother would never know what I was doing, but how would my father feel? What would happen when he came home to a wife who was too drunk to remember his name and a daughter who had sex with the school slut? I didn't want to think of Manny, the only person who seemed to care about me that way, but every time I tried to account for her flaws in my mind, I would only fall farther behind on the road to forgetting our relationship ever happened.

Once I realized that my appearance wasn't going to improve much in the few minutes I had left, I reluctantly walked outside and sat on the porch, waiting for Marco. The air was slightly chilly, but I didn't feel like going back inside for a jacket. I sighed lightly, trying not to think. I hoped that Marco would take a long time, so I could postpone dealing with what I was about to do.

Marco arrived sooner than I would have liked. "You look like you're ready to die," Marco commented.

"Thank you," I said cynically, standing up and smoothing out my skirt. I stepped down from the porch, and we started to walk. "I feel worse than I look, actually."

An obnoxious song started playing in Marco's pocket, and he quickly pulled out the small silver phone. "Hello? Oh, hi, Dylan. Are you coming tonight? Okay. Great. See you there. Bye."

He folded his phone and slipped it into the pocket of his jeans. "You're back with Dylan?" I asked hopefully, glad to get the topic away from my grungy appearance.

Marco shrugged. "Uh…ish. I wouldn't say we're officially a couple again, but things are looking pretty good."

"Oh," I said, looking down for a moment. "That's great."

Marco sighed. "You're not too messed up to get someone to like you."

"Thank you, doctor," I said defensively. "But…as of now it's starting to look that way."

"I liked you," Marco offered.

"Before you found out you were gay," I finished.

Marco laughed lightly. "It's ironic, don't you think?"

I nodded. "A year or so ago we were going to the movies on a date. Now we're going to a lesbigay club together. Hilarious."

"Did you ever think about it?" Marco asked. "I mean…before Manny?"

"What?" I asked. "Being gay?" I sighed, and slid my hands into my pockets, hoping to keep them away from the rubber band around my wrist. "I don't know. I guess so…but I mean, who doesn't? I guess I just never knew that there was something abnormal about it before. I always thought I was comparing myself to other girls, you know? Like, I wanted to be them. But, apparently I want to date them too."

Marco nodded. "No, that makes sense. I just always thought that being nervous around girls meant that I was attracted to them. But then it got to the point where it wouldn't stop."

I nodded. "No wonder our first kiss sucked. We're both gay."

Marco shook his head, trying to make me feel better. "It didn't suck, Ellie…"

"Okay," I smiled. "That's about the only thing it didn't do."

"What about Sean, though?" he asked me. "Ever thought about going back with him?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I miss him a lot, in a way, but I don't think I could have things be the way they were. I can't exactly walk over to his house and say, 'Hi, Sean. Sorry I was blowing you off for about three months before we broke up, but I was questioning my sexuality, and then I had sex with a girl. What's new? Have anything in your fridge?'"

Marco shuddered. "I still can't believe you had sex with Manny."

"I can't either," I admitted. "I mean, I was there and everything, but it almost feels like I had a really fd up dream about it, and it didn't really happen."

"I can see that," Marco said. "Before I moved here, I had an unofficial boyfriend named Kyle. He was completely in the closet, and so was I. One day, he came over to my house and he kissed me. But even while it was happening, it was like it wasn't. Does that make sense?"

I nodded. "You had a boyfriend before you dated me?"

Marco nodded nervously. "I would have told you, but I didn't know how. I just wanted to be normal again."

"I couldn't agree more," I told him.

When we reached the building, I discovered myself trying to use Marco as protection. I was standing beside him, hoping that everyone would assume we were together, and I wouldn't be bothered. For a moment, it felt the way it had when we were "pretending" before he came out to his friends. Then I realized that, no matter what I acted like, no one was going to believe that we were there together. As soon as I entered the building, everything that I tried to pretend didn't happen with Manny would become real.

"It'll be okay," Marco promised me.

The room the event would be in was set up a bit like a middle school dance. The lights rapidly changed colors, and there were tables on the outer edges of the room holding food. It took me a few minutes to realize that the lights were rainbow colored, to fit the theme.

"I wonder when Dylan's getting here," Marco commented lightly. I realized that, as soon as Dylan came, I would be the third wheel. Marco turned around. "There he is! I'll be right back."

I nodded, knowing that "right back" became null and void as soon as a boyfriend or girlfriend was involved. I decided that the best way to appear inconspicuous was to head for the chips. As I walked, I began to scan the room for people I could potentially talk to. Some of the people were paired up, but I noticed that a lot of them were just hanging out with friends. As I picked up a rainbow colored plate, and got myself a handful of chips, I noticed someone familiar at the table.

"Darcy?" I asked.

The girl looked shocked to see me. "Ellie? What are you doing here?"

My muscles tensed, and I hoped there was some way I could get out of the conversation. "Um…Marco brought me," I said lamely.

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm not usually that nosy. I didn't realize you were into this scene."

This scene? Is that what they were calling it? "Um…I'm not really," I said awkwardly. "I've only been to a few meetings. This is my first time here."

Darcy nodded. "Can I tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else?" she asked, taking a Sprite from the table.

I nodded. "Sure."

"Well…" Darcy hesitated. "I'm bi."

I smiled. "Well, it's not exactly a horrible confession, considering you're here and everything. I'm not actually sure what I am."

"I'm here with a friend, but I'm not sure where she went," Darcy said. "So I guess I could just hang out with you."

I nodded. "Sure. My friend looks fairly occupied," I said, motioning toward Marco and Dylan.

"Is that his boyfriend?" Darcy asked.

I remembered that Dylan was before Darcy's time at Degrassi. "Kind of. Well, they broke up a while back, but they seem to be getting back together."

"They seem really happy together," Darcy commented.

I nodded. "I used to date him, actually, before he came out."

"Marco?" she asked. "Wow. You know, I can't see that."

I shrugged. "Well, it happened."

"Hey," she said, taking a sip of her Sprite. "Weren't you going out with that one guy, Sean?"

I nodded. "I did, but then…things didn't work out," I said hastily.

I wondered, for a moment, why I was being so social. Darcy was one of those people who made it difficult for anyone, myself included, to feel awkward.

"How come I've never talked to you before?" Darcy asked me. "I guess I never thought we'd have anything in common."

I shrugged. "Pretty weird thing to have in common, don't you think?"

"Well, I guess so," she considered. "But all this stuff isn't as rare as you think it is. You'd be surprised at the people you find out about when you come out as something."

I nodded. "I know all about that. Believe me."

Darcy shifted her focus, away from me. "Oh, there's Manny. I was wondering where she went."

"Wait," I said, feeling a light shiver up my spine. "You're here with Manny?"

Darcy gasped. "Not like a date or anything. Well, just…please don't tell anyone. She likes to keep it quiet around school."

"I know," I said sharply.

Manny motioned for Darcy to return to her side, and, despite their status as friends, gave her a quick peck on the lips. I jumped lightly as they did; feeling like something inside of me was slowly preparing to die.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. My head was spinning with a thousand confusing ideas.

You don't like Manny anymore.

Then why does it hurt so much?

Manny's still with Spinner.

Why is she willing to take Darcy out, but not you?

Who are you upset about?

Manny or Darcy?

Come on. You only talked to Darcy for a minute. She doesn't owe you anything.

But Manny does.

For what? Making you cry?

I didn't cry right away. Instead, I diverted my attention from the two girls, and tried to empty my mind. I would find Marco, and talk to him, like nothing was wrong.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" Marco asked me.

Great plan. "Nothing," I sighed. "Manny's here with Darcy."

"Manny?" Dylan gasped. "Manny Santos? J.T.'s girlfriend?"

"Long story," I told him.

"Oh my God. I can't believe she'd do that to you. To Spin too," Marco said nervously.

"Wait," Dylan said. "What's going on?"

"I'll be right back," I told them.

I realized, after a few seconds, that I was headed toward the bathroom. I didn't really have to go, I just needed a moment to figure out if I knew the answer to the question.