Kakshi was the last to arrive at the chuunin-trial meeting. No one seemed surprised. He smirked under his mask, bet they'd all have been shocked if he was early. Every high ranking leaf ninja was there, and despite their calculated nonchalance, he was picking up quite a bit of tension and excitement. Well it was a big event. Several years had passed since the last time Hidden leaf had hosted the trials. As the largest and most powerful ninja village they would all be expected to rise beyond expectations, to create a spectacle and a challenge that would be remarked on in the ninja world for years.
He noticed Iruka standing near the Hokage, looking exceptionally pert and in control, in his official capacity as an exam administrator. A possessive pride welled within him. He doubted that any of the jounins present could handle the organisation and paperwork half as efficiently. He certainly couldn't. He'd be sure to mention it later, when he got the man alone. Personal compliments like that always made his favourite chuunin flushed and flustered in a way that he found quite irresistible. Not that he'd ever tried particularly hard to resist. And there was a quiet corridor in the floor above with a dark alcove that would be perfect for some serious touching and teasing.
The meeting started, a strange blend of rigid ritual and total informality. Instructions were given out as to who should guard where, who should guard whom, who should judge and referee which section of the exam. So Morino Ibiki was doing the first test again, whoa that was tough. He wondered if it had been Iruka's idea. The teacher didn't seem to have that kind of meanness in him. Of course none of this applied to him, he was a jounin-sensei this time. His team was his duty.
Kakashi's thoughts were interrupted by the Hokage, asking if the three jounin-senseis wanted to nominate any of the new genins. He was up. He stepped forward without adjusting his customary slouch by so much as a millimeter.
"The Kakashi led team 7, Uchiha Sassuke, Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura. Under the name of Hatake Kakashi I nominate them to take the chuunin selection exam."
He heard Iruka gasp. Well it was hardly surprising. In spite of his regular updates the teacher could have no idea how much the kids had grown, how competent they'd become, and how hungry they were for greater challenges. At least Sasuke and Naruto were hungry. Sakura still lacked confidence, but this would be the perfect experience to stretch her beyond her comfort zone. True the exam was dangerous but he doubted they'd get far enough to be at any serious risk. And if they did? Then that in itself was proof that they were ready. Actually he deliberately hadn't told Iruka of his plan to put the kids forward. He'd sort of been saving this as a surprise treat.
He stepped back as Kurenai and Asuma announced their teams too. So all nine of the rookies had been nominated. . He had to agree with the Hokage, how rare. But if the other six were as good as his he wasn't surprised. It would make for an interesting competition.
Suddenly he was blasted by a flare in Iruka's chakra. The others noticed it too, not as strongly, but they weren't fine-tuned to him the way he was.
"Hold on a second."
Everyone became very quiet, very still. It wasn't like the shy teacher to interrupt like this, and they all knew it.
The Hokage looked over at him, wrinkled brow wrinkled even further with concern. "What is it Iruka?"
Kakashi could feel Iruka trying to rein in his chakra. He was sweating with the effort and with his erupting emotions. "Hokage-sama, please let me have a word with you."
Kakashi turned towards him, blanched with sudden concern. What on earth was the problem? Was his lover sick? From the anxiety he was picking up he felt as if he was dying. Should he grab him and take him home, or to the hospital?
"I may be speaking out of place but most of these nine were students of mine at the academy. Of course they are all very talented but it's too early to take the exam. They need more experience. I can't understand the jounin's reasoning."
His eyes sought Kakashi's as he said the last sentence. There was a plea in them and in his voice. Kakashi felt cold anger rising inside him. Iruka had almost given him a heart attack for this? Because he was fussing over these damn kids? He was disappointed, and hurt to, that the other man didn't trust his judgement.
He kept his voice low and even. "I became a chuunin when I was six years younger than Naruto."
Iruka almost lost it, practically yelling at him. "Naruto is different to you. Are you trying to crush these kids? The chuunin exam is…"
This was intolerable. Iruka had no idea what he was talking about. They weren't schoolchildren anymore. The kids deserved this. They'd proven themselves worthy. "They're always complaining about the missions. Experiencing some pain may be good for them… crushing them could be fun."
Iruka's reaction sent a pulse through the whole room. "What!"
Ok, maybe he'd overdone it a little too. "That was a joke Iruka-sensei. I can understand your feelings, it must upset you but…"
The other jounin-senseis were muttering, he ignored them pointedly. This was between him and Iruka now.
"Stay out of this. They are no longer your students… right now they are my soldiers."
Iruka flushed scarlet. Kakashi of course was the only one who knew that his distress was caused by more than anxiety about the rookies. He bristled inside, refusing to feel guilty. The teacher bowed stiffly and left without another word. Everyone stood in awkward silence then gradually started to leave too. Kakashi didn't move, standing in his usual slouch, until the room had emptied. When he finally went outside he saw Iruka waiting.
"Iruka." The tone came out harsher than he had intended.
The teacher took a few steps closer but kept his eyes fixed on the ground. He raised a hand to his throat, rubbing at it, as if it was painful to speak.
"Kakashi, I can't believe you did that. You humiliated me. In front of the Hokage, in front of everyone. I… I thought I meant more to you than that."
Now Kakashi knew why he had reacted to Iruka's outburst the way he had. "Don't ever use our relationship to try to manipulate me Iruka. I'm a master at manipulation myself, it will only make me angry."
I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
The teacher was really hurting. He could feel the waves of disturbance throbbing through his chakra.
And all at once Kakashi understood that this just wasn't going to work. He'd been right all along. There was a reason why he had always led such a lone existence. He'd warned Iruka that getting involved with a jounin might cause him grief. This wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind but the principle was the same. Jounins made risky and difficult decisions all the time, about their lives, about their subordinates' lives. And sometimes they, or their subordinates, were hurt. Sometimes they died.
He couldn't be free to make those decisions with Iruka's happiness, the most important thing in his life, hanging over him. This was how he lived, it was what he did, what he was. If it was going to make the man he loved unhappy then he couldn't stay with him.
So this was it, the end. He closed his eyes and silently teleported away. Now there was one more thing he had to do before taking the chuunin applications to the kids.
Kakashi entered Iruka's empty apartment as he usually did, through the window. He removed the few items of clothing that he had left there, his toothbrush, and the weapons he'd strategically placed in and under the bed. He would leave no trace. No reminders to provoke sadness or regret. It had been a mistake to think that he could have this kind of happiness. He would never cause Iruka grief or embarrassment again, because Iruka would never see him again. There were advantages to being a genius ninja, if Sharigan Hatake didn't want to be seen he wouldn't be seen. Of course he would still love the teacher, watch over him, protect him. But it would be from the shadows now.
He left through the door, looking back before he closed it behind him. At the living room, the couch, the bedroom beyond. The cover on the bed. That particular blue would be a hard colour from now on.
It wasn't Iruka who'd challenged his judgement. It was the beast.
Iruka had lots of children. He may not be their father but as their teacher he'd played his part in creating them too. And Kakashi had put those children in danger, because he had to. It was a necessary danger that would make them strong. And the shinobi life required strength. It was hard but it was true. He was their jounin-sensei and he was doing his job.
But in doing so he'd angered the monster, and now it was finished with him. It had shown him its greatest glory, its full splendor. Then once, just once he'd dared to measure his strength against it and it had taken his heart, the only part it had ever wanted, and eliminated what was left. No wonder he felt like shit.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Iruka was glad that he'd got an early start on things. The first of the jounins were already wandering into the great meeting room. Not Kakashi of course, although it would have been nice to have a few minutes to chat with him informally before everyone arrived. But then again maybe not. Informal chat wasn't exactly the man's strongest point. Before long he'd be picking up meaningful glances from that intense uncovered eye. Then he'd start blushing and stammering and make a fool of himself.
That was the one thing he didn't want to risk today. He'd been entrusted with the bulk of the organisation involved in the most prestigious event in Konoha's recent history, and it was vitally important to him that it should go smoothly. His emotions always ran high at times like this. Uncontrolled emotions were a terrible liability in a shinobi and he knew that his were his greatest weakness. But he wanted Konoha to be proud of him today. And more than that, so much more, he wanted Kakashi to be proud of him.
That was the main reason why he had taken on this huge task in the first place, the chance to make Kakashi proud. The chance to show that he was more than just a chuunin schoolteacher. He could never match Sharigan Hatake as a shinobi, he wouldn't try to, the man was without equal. But he had his strengths too.
The Hokage entered and sat at his massive desk, wearing his full official regalia. Iruka's chest tightened. Surely Kakashi wouldn't actually be late! Not today!
Then he noticed him standing to the side with Kurenai and Asuma. When had he arrived? He'd been watching for him so carefully. Even in the most simple things the man had a way of perplexing and confusing him.
With unspoken understanding, everyone was ready for the meeting to start. The usual stuff, assignment of duties, guards for the foreign notables, extra street-patrols, judges. He wasn't at all happy to hear that Hayate would be refereeing the third contests. It was intense work and the arena was dusty, especially with hyped up nins showing their stuff with explosive jutsus all over the place. He'd pushed for Kakashi to take that job, or Asuma, as jounin-senseis they were officially exempt but they wouldn't actually have anything much else to do.
Finally they were done, and it had all gone better than he had any right to expect. Now if only the trials themselves go half as well. Having gennins from other villages in Konoha, anxious to show off, was always a recipe for trouble. Nothing left but the genin nominations.
The Hokage was speaking now, "I don't have to tell you but after a genin has successfully completed at least eight missions, they may compete in the chuunin exam if nominated by their sensei."
Of course more missions than that is the norm. He doesn't need to ask, they aren't ready.
"Now, starting with Kakashi."
"The Kakashi led team 7, Uchiha Sassuke, Uvumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura. Under the name of Hatake Kakashi I nominate them to take the chuunin selection exam."
What did he just hear? "What?"
Did Kakashi just nominate his kids for the exam? Kurenai and Asuma then stepped up and nominated their kids too. This was insane, there was no way they could be ready. What was happening? Surely the Hokage would say something. The old man was obviously thinking about it.
"Hmm, all of them, how rare."
That was it, he was going to accept the nominations? Iruka's heart started beating way too fast. He had to do something, say something.
"Hold on a second."
The Hokage's knowing old eyes turned towards him. He could feel the years of experience behind them. "What is it Iruka?"
Iruka knew he was speaking out of turn. Breaking all protocol, but he just couldn't let this happen without at least saying something. His concern for the kids, his respect for his leader, his training to obey without question, were all jumbled and conflicted inside him. They were too young, kids died in these trials. Kids he had known had died.
"Hokage-sama, please let me have a word with you."
Kakashi was looking at him too. Everyone was looking at him. He swallowed hard
"I may be speaking out of place but most of these nine were students of mine at the academy. Of course they are all very talented but it's too early to take the exam. They need more experience. I can't understand the jounin's reasoning."
He looked to Kakashi for a hint of reassurance, and instead saw… anger.
"I became a chuunin when I was six years younger than Naruto."
Why was he doing this, Kakashi was a genius, a prodigy. No one should be judged by his standards. "Naruto is different to you. Are you trying to crush these kids? The chuunin exam is…"
He looked at Kakashi's white hands, the assassin's hands. He felt as if they were around his throat, he couldn't breath. Was this how Kakashi's enemies felt when those hands were on them? When he was killing with quiet cold-blooded fury?
"They're always complaining about the missions. Experiencing some pain may be good for them… crushing them could be fun."
He was just able to choke out a single word. "What!"
The voice softened a little but it was as chilling as ever. He stood transfixed by his lover's one eyed gaze. But there was no love in it, just cold ruthless insistence.
"That was a joke Iruka-sensei. I can understand your feelings, it must upset you but…stay out of this. They are no longer your students… right now they are my soldiers."
Under stand? How could he understand and still be this cruel? Iruka felt his face burning. The Hokage, the exam, everything was forgotten. All his thoughts were on Kakashi as he trembled under his unyielding gaze. He hadn't been this afraid of Mizuki when he was moving in for his deathblow, before Naruto blasted him aside. He bowed awkwardly then left, using all his control to walk, not run.
Once outside he stood in the sunshine, breathing the bright air in great gulps.
He had no idea how long he'd been standing there when he became aware of a familiar presence. He felt the pressure returning to his throat again.
"Iruka."
The chill in his voice sent a shiver down Iruka's spine. But he couldn't acknowledge fear of his lover, not even to himself. He reached into the great swirl of emotions inside him, none of them good. He didn't care which one came up on top, as long as it didn't involve screaming or crying.
"Kakashi, I can't believe you did that. You humiliated me. In front of the Hokage, in front of everyone. I… I thought I meant more to you than that."
"Don't ever use our relationship to try to manipulate me Iruka. I'm a master at manipulation myself, it will only make me angry."
Manipulate? Is that what he thought? Wasn't it obvious he couldn't control his own emotions, let alone anyone else's? So that was why Kakashi was so angry. "I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
He felt a change in Kakashi's intent as the anger melted away. So he did understand. It would be ok, they'd talk this all out sensibly. Then suddenly Kakashi was gone.
He was an idiot. Kakashi was a jounin, the best of them, he was just a chuunin. As lovers they were equals and he'd got too used to that, to being treated as an equal. He'd let himself forget that as shinobi the distance between them was too wide to measure. The fear he'd felt was a natural response to the man's raw power. He should be flattered that he'd been able to provoke a flash of it. If Kakashi felt the kids were ready he should trust him. He wasn't like Mizuki, he wouldn't turn against him. He could always trust Kakashi.
He'd explain all this the next time he saw him. When he came back. Because Kakashi always came back.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Author's Note. No not actually the end. There will be one more snapshot.