Chapter 1: Cameos, Parodies and Shameless Self-Inserts
"What a perfect night, I might just have a bite to drink."
The Silhouetted Alucard strolled almost stumbling into the darkness as he laughed.
Cue catchy incomprehensible theme song
- - -
"I think someone's broken into the apartment…" Tom muttered.
"Well don't go all out…the law changed, remember?"
"Oh yeah….better check the proper protocol..."
He reached for a battered book, the page opened revealing a series of cartoons describing the 'do's and 'don't's for dealing with intruders.
"Hehe, funny pictures! Hey according to this I can kill him in 'self-defence'!"
"You're reading the cartoon again, aren't you?"
"I know what I'm doing!"
He opened up a large cupboard full of sporting and gardening equipment. The hand brushed over a baseball bat, a bloody spade, a pitchfork with 'Angelsword' engraved, a board-with-a-nail, an antique musket and stopped at a golf club.
He removed the golf club like a sword, lining it Kill-Bill style along his psychotic eyes, grinning devilishly.
He crept to the staircase and spotted the shadowed intruder. He leaped over the banister landing face to face with the figure, the club dividing the two, with a hand on the light switch.
The light flickered over the intruder, smiling equally menacingly back.
Tom looked somewhat stunned, "Wow. You look way too posh to be a regular burglar!"
"Well, a good evening to you too then…"
Alucard focused on the golf-club inches from his face and laughed mockingly.
Looking threatening, Tom said, "I'd like you to leave before I have to imprint the five-iron on your face."
Alucard laughed in a hysterical fashion as Tom swung the club at his face. He caught it in two fingers, and then effortlessly bent it in half.
"……help?"
Alucard lifted him off the ground by the mangled golf club and hurled him into the wall.
"You humans get more unpredictable every day. At least you proved some entertainment for my dull evening…"
"Sure! That's nice to know, you freak!"
Alucard drew the Jackal and fired directly at the head. He drew the smoking gun back as Tom slumped over.
Alucard leaned over to finish his victim in time to see his eyes open and stare coldly back at the vampire.
Alucard laughs as he said, "A Catholic, you're not the first!"
He drained Tom leaving him resting motionless against the wall.
- - -
(Preview time! Cue nursery music!)
Seras: On our next episode of Hellsing, we..(BANG)
Tom: Shut up heathen, we run the show now!
Alucard: Didn't you just die?
Tom: You're next, protestants! (Maniacal laughter)
END