Then the host turned to one of the authors, "Tell us a merry tale, good maniac, Sir John by your name, so our hearts be glad!" Said our host.

"Then I shall tell you a tale of a wealthy Protestant woman, who had in her service two peculiar characters who did walk the night with large weapons."

And so begins The Maniac's Tale…

Chapter XII: Epilogue

Or The Hellsing Fanservice Extravaganza with No Particular Plot Relevance to Which the Physical Author Has Made Himself Exempt For.

Through the smoke and flames of a war zone, two figures came into view. They stood atop great piles of vampire bodies, all in Nazi military uniform. A light breeze blew away the smoke, as the two figures became visible. One was a teenage boy in shirt and tie clutching lengths of wire between his knuckles. The other figure seemed to be another young lad, but a very feminine one, holding a large silver cross upright, rather victoriously.

"Well, Alucard I believe we've taken care of all the remaining Nazi forces here in South America."

"That was an impressive display you put on, Walter!"

Walter lit a cigarette and stepped off the mountain of corpses.

"You know smoking is a big risk for someone your age. You could die from your recklessness."

Walter smiled at Alucard's amusing comment. He dropped the cigarette, stepping on it as he strolled over to Alucard.

"You're so cruel, Alucard!"

Alucard laughed quietly, "You like it really…"

They drew closer in an awkward silence.

"Oh Alucard."

"Walter…"

!FLASHBACK!

"And that's how Walter and Alucard defeated the Millennium organisation in World War 2."

Integra leaned back in her chair, letting the picture revolve around her mind. Across from her, Pip and Seras sat in silence, looking rather ill.

"Eugh, zat is creepy!"

"Is that really what happened, Sir Integra?"

Integra answered, "More or less…"

- - -

Pip and Seras left Integra's office and made their way out of the Hellsing mansion.

"Oh, I 'ave somezing for you, Mignonette!"

Seras looked at Pip suspiciously, "What would that be, captain?"

"Now that would spoil ze surprise!"

Pip led Seras into the soldiers' quarters, carefully closing the door behind himself.

"So what is this surprise then?"

"Over 'ere mignonette…"

"Wow! It's huge! You must have had a hard time hiding that!"

"Yeah, it's not easy to keep secret…Hnngh…Ugh...Agh…Damn! I can barely get it up!"

"Here let me help!"

"…woah! You 'andle it so much better zan me!"

"Well I am a vampire. We're better at this sort of thing than you!"

"Ah…zat's enough toying wiz it for now!"

Behind the door, Seras marvelled at the new Harkonnen cannon Pip had given her.

Pip asked, "Do I get my reward now?"

"Don't push it, you pervert!"

- - -

Seras stepped timidly into Integra's office. The room always seemed so depressing. There were no lights other than a low desk lamp. Seras wondered how Integra could put up with the lifelessness of the Hellsing manor.

Integra looked up with a piercing glance, "Ah, Officer. What brings you here?"

"Umm I have a report to deliver from Captain Bernadette's team."

"…I see."

Integra looked at Seras stood bolt upright and looking strangely nervous.

"Please, take a seat, Officer."

She gestured to the chair facing her. Seras sat down at the desk. Integra put out her cigar and looked at Seras expectantly.

"Well?"

Seras stared vacantly at the Hellsing leader. Her manner was unusually relaxed. Just at the moment of speaking, Seras changed. She looked lovingly at her master and leaned forward over the desk.

"Officer Victoria, just what do you think you're doing!"

Seras snapped out of the possessed state, "I'm sorry, I can't help it! It's like some force from beyond is commanding me!"

"ALUCARD!"

Alucard emerged from the shadowy corner of the room, "Not me, I'm right here…"

Integra calmed down, "I see…Wait, what are you wearing!"

"It appears to be…oh I've had just about enough of this author!"

Alucard took the Jackal out and vanished through the shadows.

Seras smiled, "Now where were we?"

- - -

Just outside of Integra's office, Pip leaned against the wall with a satisfactory look on his face.

"Ahahaha. No-one ever suspects ze captain!"

'The Captain' emerged, "Are you to be talking about me?"

"Non! No-one likes you, wolfy!"

"Do you vant to fight, frenchy!"

"Oh, zat's it! No-one insults what iz probably ma 'omeland!"

Pip drew a gun. The Captain hastily drew a bigger gun from his coat.

- - -

Back in Integra's office, Seras and Integra were…well right where they were before the pointless scene change.

Integra rose from her seat and slowly moved towards Seras.

"Sir Integra, I…"

Integra stopped Seras before she could speak, "Please…You don't have to call me 'Sir' now."

They drew close, "Integra…"

"Seras…"

!EXPLOSION!

The pair ceased their activity as the two captains smashed through the door, grappling on the floor by Integra's feet. They quickly stopped and looked up at an extremely infuriated Integra Hellsing bearing down on them.

"Ooh! Zis is awkward…"

"Ya…Umm…I have to be going now!"

The Captain leaped up and ran out of the office.

Pip stood up, casually brushing the dust and splintered wood from his clothes. In total silence he looked at Integra, still fuming with rage, then at Seras, blushing from the previous interrupted event.

"Okay. So I'll be leaving now."

Integra answered, "Yes. That would be a good idea, captain."

Pip tip-toed slowly towards the door, glancing over his shoulder at the two women. His footsteps echoed down the hallway.

Just as they were about to resume, a voice shouted from a distance, "Better 'old back, boss! She can be bitey!"

Seras charged out of Integra's office after Pip.

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

- - -

The author appeared to be reading a storybook to a group of children.

"Hellsing Volume 4. Now as you can see in this panel, Integra doesn't care for Alucard! But like him or not, Alucard is here to stay! Or is he? Let's read on!"

several long tedious hours later…

"So what have we learned today children?"

"You can only kill a vampire by stabbing it through the heart with a wooden stake!"

The author leaped up enthusiastically, "Don't be fooled by those urban legends! How else can an undead be slain?"

"By shooting or stabbing him with blessed silver?"

"Right!"

One of the children approached him, "Look! My fangs are really sharp now!"

"Brilliant! Okay where's Anderson? Anderson!"

A small blond-haired boy appeared, "Andrew."

"Anderson sounds better. Okay Anderson, I want you and little Alucard here to go and fight in that corner until you're told to stop by little Integra."

He pointed to a girl dressed in an Integra suit, complete with silver cross.

"Okay…GO!"