Introduction
Out of the whole group, Fai is the one who smiles the most. But just because he smiles, that doesn't mean he's happy.
As he travels through the various dimensions, Fai hides behind a false smile, carefully concealing how he really feels under layers of pretence. But when Ashura returns, those layers are torn away, leaving him exposed to the world.
As he tries desperately to cope with the new pain and fear in his life, Fai finds himself thinking back to a time long ago…when smiles were real.
When the mask cracks, what will lie beneath?
Chapter Seven; A Crystal For A Sword
"Ashura?"
The moment that the words had passed his lips, Fai realised his mistake. It was not the Ashura from the past sitting next to him…it was Kurogane, the brave ninja who he had fallen in love with on sight, the man that had saved him countless times and yet never expected anything in return.
The one who had obviously never left his side since the incident with Ashura.
Said ninja was now looking vaguely murderous, and Fai realised how much it must have hurt to have him say Ashura's name like that…and in such a loving tone, no less.
"K…Kuro-muu…" He began, his soft voice hesitant and apologetic. But Kurogane simply snorted, getting to his feet and glaring down at the blonde.
"You know, it's been 3 days since Ashura blasted you off the roof. 3 days, Fai! Because of him, you've been in a coma for 3 days! And the very first thing you say when you wake is his name…but not in fear, or hatred…because I would have understood that."
Kurogane paused, his solemn expression letting Fai know just how wretched the ninja was feeling right now.
"But you said it lovingly, Fai…as though he was your whole world, and that was how you wanted it. As if I didn't exist to you." He said bitterly.
Fai's blue eyes widened, and he shot up into a sitting position, ignoring the stab of pain that crashed through his head. Grabbing hold of the Kurogane's shirt, Fai buried his face in the dark fabric, tightening his grip almost desperately, feeling as though Kurogane would just slip away if he let go.
"No! You do exist to me, you do! I love you Kuro-san, and I always will! I've always loved you, ever since I met you! I…" His words were cut off as Kurogane gently pushed him away, and Fai stared tearfully up at the ninja, feeling his heart throb painfully at the blank expression on Kurogane's face.
"Why don't we stop lying to each other, hmm? We were never right for each other. I'm just one of Tomoyo-hime's protectors, and you're just this shattered shell that's still hung up on the one who broke you. What were we thinking when we got together?"
Although Kurogane's voice was flat and unemotional, it somehow made the words even harder for Fai to listen to, and he found himself covering his ears, crying out for Kurogane to stop, to just stop saying such things.
"…And you know what, Fai? I might say you're an idiot sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I'm just as much an idiot as you are, right? After all, I managed to fool myself into thinking that a puppet could love one other than his master."
And with those final words, Kurogane was gone, striding quickly from the room, leaving Fai alone and in shock. Then, Fai was crying, his head buried in his arms and his whole body shaking with the force of his sobs as he realised what Kurogane had been saying.
>It's over…I screwed up the one good thing that's come into my life since I left Ashura back in Seresu…I lost the only reason why I even had the strength to carry on…I ruined everything, and it's all my fault!>
"Fai-san?" Fai looked up at the sound of his name being called, red rimmed eyes searching for the owner of the gentle voice that had sounded so concerned.
"Sakura-chan…did you want something?" He asked, pasting a wan smile across his face in an attempt to hide his pain like he always had. To his relief, the princess didn't seem to realise…only Kurogane had ever truly seen behind his mask of lies and loneliness.
"Fai-san! You're awake! Kurogane-san told us you were!" Sakura chirped excitedly, running across the floor to throw her arms around the blonde's neck.
"Kuro-muu? What…what did he say?" Fai asked, half-afraid of the answer. Sakura pulled back, scrunching her face up as she thought.
"He just said that you had finally woken up…he didn't seem very happy though…and your eyes are all red, Fai-san. Did you have a fight?" She murmured, green eyes staring soulfully into Fai's own blue ones.
Fai opened his mouth to make a carefree comment, something to just brush off the question…only to find to his horror that he was beginning to cry, his breath hitching as he struggled valiantly to reign himself in.
"Fai-san! Fai-san, what's wrong?" Sakura pleaded, embracing him tightly as he began to sob in earnest, unable to take the painful storm that was whirling around inside of him.
Eventually, the bout of emotion had passed, and Fai simply sat there, feeling drained and tired. But Sakura kept her arms around the older man and laid her head on his shoulder, refusing to leave him even then.
"Fai-san?" She prompted.
"I've ruined everything, Sakura-chan. Kuro-min will never forgive me." He whispered sadly, wrapping his own long arms around her shoulders.
"Why? What happened?"
"When I woke, I called out Ashura-ou's name… not in fear, or anger, but lovingly. And Kurogane broke up with me." Fai explained, feeling his chest constrict as he spoke the painful words.
"…Lovingly? But Fai-san loves Kurogane-san, right? I don't think I quite understand." Sakura replied, brow furrowing slightly as she tried to make sense of what Fai was saying.
"I do love Kuro-rin…but I love Ashura-ou too, no matter how he treated me in the end. I just can't forget how warm he was to me in the beginning." Fai said quietly.
"But Fai-san…you can't love two people at the same time…it's impossible." Sakura told him firmly.
"Then why do I feel this way about both of them? If it's impossible to love 2 people, why are my emotions so mixed up?"
"Because it's not impossible to love more than one person at the same time…but it is impossible to love both of them equally. You must love one of them more than the other, even if you don't realise it. And sooner or later, you will have to choose."
Fai sat back at Sakura's words, blinking as he thought about what she had just said. >Is that really true? Do I really care for one more than the other? But…which one? I don't know!>
Hours later, and Fai sat alone on his bed, head bowed in thought. Sakura had left him long ago, saying that she was going shopping for supplies with Syaoran. The boy had come in to check on the wizard before they'd left, but Fai had simply waved him away, grinning widely at the look of concern on the teen's face.
Syaoran had then told him how worried they'd been that he would have suffered from brain damage or memory loss once awake, but had had to leave before Fai could ask him anything about Kurogane. However, his unasked question about the ninja's whereabouts had quickly been answered afterwards as he heard someone stomping out of the door not long after they had left, slamming the door angrily behind him.
>He didn't even tell me he was going out…he hates me now. Even more than when we first met. He can't even acknowledge me without feeling sick to his stomach.> Fai recognised, ignoring the lone tear that managed to escape his eye.
"Fai! Why are you sitting here on your own?" Fai's head shot up and he rubbed furiously at his eyes as Mokona bounced into the room. He'd thought that the white creature had gone with Syaoran and Sakura…he'd had no idea that Mokona had stayed behind. But being alone with Mokona gave him an idea.
"Mokona, you can talk to Yuuko, right? And we can talk to her through you?" He asked carefully, his mind beginning to race as he thought about the possibilities.
"Uh huh! Why?" Mokona replied, giggling.
"I need to speak to her, Mokona. Now, before Kurogane and the others come back." Fai said urgently, gazing pleadingly down at the small creature. To his relief, Mokona simply nodded, producing the beam of light that was to form a portal between the worlds.
Inside the light, Yuuko turned to face them, the corner of her mouth lifting as she saw who it was.
"Ah, Mokona…and Fai-san. What can I do for you?" She asked briskly. Fai shrugged, nervously picking at his clothes.
"A price once paid cannot be returned, ne?" He began.
"That is correct."
"But what if it is traded for something of similar value?" Fai finished, gazing uncertainly up at the Dimensional Witch. She paused, appearing to think, before smiling silkily at him.
"I don't see anything wrong with that. I assume that it is your tattoo that you want back? Or is it your staff?"
"Neither. The thing that I want is…Ginryuu." Fai breathed. Yuuko raised an elegant eyebrow at the request, but merely shrugged as if to say that it wasn't any of her concern anyway.
"Very well. What is it that you intend to exchange for the ninja's precious weapon?" She asked. Fai's expression became pained, and he slowly reached beneath the folds of his clothing to pull out a silver chain with a small crystal hanging from it.
"Will this do? It is the most precious item I have left." He murmured in a choked voice, although he tried to mask it with yet another carefree expression…even though he was sure that the witch easily saw past his façade.
"I think that that will do very well. Send it through Mokona, and I will return the Silver Dragon." Fai nodded, and unfastened the necklace from around his neck, carefully throwing it into Mokona's wide open mouth. Almost as soon as he had done this, there was a faint whistling noise, and Ginryuu flew out, landing neatly in his arms.
"It was a pleasure doing business with you." Yuuko said, before vanishing as the light from Mokona faded away. Fai made no reply, simply gazing down at the sword that lay cradled in his arms. A sword that had been so precious to the ninja he loved so much.
>Oh Kami-sama, please let this work.>
Kurogane sighed as entered the dark house, feeling none the better for his walk. Despite himself, he hadn't been able to get the way Fai had whispered Ashura's name out of his head…or the way that the blonde mage had covered his eyes and wept pitifully, begging for Kurogane to stop, to not say those things, to stay with him.
"…And you know what, Fai? I might say you're an idiot sometimes, but when it comes down to it, I'm just as much an idiot as you are, right? After all, I managed to fool myself into thinking that a puppet could love one other than his master."
Growling, Kurogane buried his head in a hand, trying to block out the memory of what he had said so coldly to Fai…and the loud sobs he had heard coming from the room as he left. >I never wanted to make him cry again…but I always do…what was I meant to do? Stay with someone who doesn't really love me? I'm a ninja, damnit, and if I do end up opening my heart to someone, it has to be worthwhile me doing it!>
'…Maybe it was worthwhile anyway…'
Kurogane blinked as the thought occurred to him, unsure of how to react to the idea. Then, muttering angrily to himself, he pushed the notion to the back of his head, stomping into his and Fai's shared room.
The first thing that he noticed was that Fai had pushed the room's two beds apart again. On reaching this world, Kurogane had moved them together to create one huge bed for them to share, wanting to sleep beside Fai. He hadn't even thought of what would happen if the two of them broke up…but coming home now, he had been worried, not knowing what he'd do if he'd had to share a bed with Fai under this conditions.
But luckily, Fai had realised this, and moved the beds away from each other again. Either that, or…or Fai himself had felt uncomfortable sharing a bed with the dark haired ninja. Although, knowing Fai so well, Kurogane was inclined to guess that it had been the former rather than the latter.
It was only then that he noticed something else, something that made him freeze in his tracks as he saw something glinting on his bed, caught in the beam of moonlight that had managed to sneak past the shutters of the window.
"Ginryuu…" He breathed, moving slowly forward and caressing it as if in a dream, hardly able to believe that he had been reunited with his old, beloved sword again. Then suddenly, the wondrous expression on his face became vaguely murderous, and he grabbed the sword and stormed out, yelling for the 'manjuu bun'.
He never noticed that his roommate had not been sleeping, and had in fact been watching him carefully through half-closed eyes. Nor did he notice the look of pain that passed over Fai's face before it was rapidly swallowed up in a bitter smile, as the blonde pulled his mask back up again, mending the cracks that he had allowed to show whilst in Kurogane's presence recently.
"I can't do anything right, can I?" He remarked softly.
"Oi! What the hell is this?" Kurogane bellowed, brandishing his returned sword at Mokona, who blinked sleepily up at him from its position on the sofa.
"It's Kuro-wan's sword!" He sang, ignoring the vein that was beginning to throb on Kurogane's forehead.
"I know that! What's it doing here?" He snapped, poking Mokona hard in the belly. To his chagrin, the white creature simply giggled, squirming at the sensation.
"Yuuko sent it back through Mokona!"
"But why! I thought that a price once paid was non-returnable!" Kurogane growled, briefly wondering whether Mokona would answer if he cut off the damn thing's jewel and stuffed it down its throat.
"Not if it's traded for something of equal value!" Mokona announced happily. Kurogane stiffened, a sinking feeling in his chest at the manjuu bun's words.
"…Traded? Who traded something for Ginryuu, Mokona?"
"Fai. He gave his necklace to Yuuko."
Fai lay in his bed, blue eyes staring sightlessly at the wall as he gripped his covers tightly in his hands. He'd only wanted to give Kurogane something to cheer him up…to say sorry for breaking both Souhi and his heart.
But he'd just made everything worse again. Kurogane hadn't been happy to see Ginryuu after all…he'd just looked angry. Fai had failed again – just like he always did.
"Fai, Count Saki told me that you failed to make him the spell he had requested again."
"But Ashura-ou, it's a very violent spell. I think that he intends to use it to make war with rival families."
"So? Let him. What the nobles decide to do in their spare time is no concern of ours."
"But what about all the people who'll get caught in the cross-fire! You're their king, Ashura-ou, that is your concern!"
"Are you questioning me, Fai?"
"I...no. No Ashura-ou."
"Good. Because if you were, I would feel very hurt by your lack of faith in me, especially since I keep having to protect you from the nobles."
"Protect me?"
"They're calling you a failure, Fai. You keep refusing to make their spells, and they're growing tired of your pacifism."
"But I don't want anyone to be hurt! I don't like wars! I don't like people being killed!"
"You have killed people though, haven't you, Fai? Back when we were children, and you killed your uncle and his friends."
"It was an accident!"
"I know Fai…what I mean is that there is no point being a pacifist when you're already a murderer."
"M...murderer?"
"Fai, would you reconsider your decision? For me?"
"Yes, Ashura-ou. I will not give anyone cause to call me a failure again."
"I did though, didn't I?" Fai whispered to the empty room. "I failed Kurogane again…"
"Fai? Mage, are you awake?"
Fai gasped quietly, shifting to face Kurogane as the ninja re-entered their room, gazing into the Japanese man's crimson eyes.
"I'm awake, Kuro-woof…do you need something?" He asked, smiling. The next thing he knew, Kurogane was on top of him, pinning the blonde down as he glared at him.
"You idiot! What did you go and do a thing like that for! Why get me back Ginryuu?" He growled. Fai closed his eyes, refusing to look at the powerful man.
"I knew I should have told him not to say anything…"
"Why! Answer me, damnit! The manjuu bun said something about you trading a necklace for it…"
"And what if I did, Kuro-chin? It wasn't that important to me…" He murmured, lying through his teeth and hoping that for once in his life, Kurogane wouldn't see behind the mask. No such luck.
"Liar! That witch doesn't take just anything. You gave her the most precious thing left to you, didn't you? What was it? Another gift from your beloved Ashura-ou?" Kurogane snapped bitterly, unable to help himself. Fai just shook his head, opening his eyes to stare soulfully up at the ninja.
"No. It was the last thing I had left of my parents."
Kurogane froze, eyes going impossibly wide as he gazed down at the wizard who lay underneath him, feeling all of 10 inches tall.
"Fai…why? Why did you do that?" He whispered hoarsely.
"Because you broke your sword trying to protect me from Ashura…and I paid you back by betraying your love when I woke. I just wanted to apologise, Kuro-sama…I just wanted us to be friends again, even if we could never be anything more." Fai murmured brokenly, a bittersweet smile spreading across his face.
Without even realising what he was doing, Kurogane smoothed some of Fai's hair back from his face with a trembling hand, wanting to say something but finding his throat choked with emotion. They stayed like that for a moment, just staring at each other, until Kurogane realised that Fai's eyelids were beginning to droop closed, lulled to sleep by the warmth of the other man on top of him.
"Kuro-tan is so warm…" Fai mumbled softly, before giving in to sleep, his head lolling to the side as he slipped into restful darkness. Kurogane stayed watching him for a moment, but then sighed and rolled off of Fai, although he remained lying next to him. Wrapping his arms around the blonde, he buried his face in Fai's hair, and whispered.
"I wanted that too…"
When Fai woke the next morning, Kurogane was gone. But judging from the fact that the other bed had been unslept in, and that the other side of Fai's bed still felt so warm, Fai knew that Kurogane had stayed the night with him, giving him comfort despite the fact that they were no longer together.
>I don't even know where we are now. Travelling companions? Comrades? Friends? I just get so confused when I'm around him…and I think that I confuse him too. Does that mean that we can only make sense of what's around us when we're together? I don't know anymore…>
Fai sighed and pushed back the covers, deciding that he felt well enough to get out of bed today. His head ached slightly as he stood up, but he ignored the pain, knowing that by this time tomorrow he would be completely healed. Walking to the door, he paused, suddenly unsure of his ability to face Kurogane again.
"I love you Fai…I want you to be mine forever." Ashura whispered softly, before leaning in to capture Fai's rosebud lips in a gentle kiss. Fai gladly relaxed into it, before pulling away, his heart beating wildly.
"Yes. Forever yours."
"People like you, Kurogane?" He asked calmly. Kurogane stared at him for a moment, surprised by the fact that the wizard had actually used his proper name. Then, he grinned down wolfishly at the man trapped beneath him.
"Yes. People like me." He said, swooping down to capture the blonde's lips with his own.
"It's not impossible to love more than one person at the same time…but it is impossible to love both of them equally. You must love one of them more than the other, even if you don't realise it. And sooner or later, you will have to choose."
Pulling back, Fai stared sadly at his trembling hand, before moving back to sit on the bed, burying his head in his hands.
"I don't get confused because of Kuro-pii…I get confused because of myself. And because of that, I end up confusing Kuro-kichi too. The only way I can stop this is to choose."
"And I don't know how."
Whoa! That took ages! I'm so sorry everybody...what with coursework and other activities, I've been unable to update as quickly as I wanted to. But I will say now that I know exactly how I'm ending this fic, and that there aren't many chapters left to go. Only 1, possibly 2, before the ending chapter.
I would also like to say that there are going to be 3 alternate endings for this as well - as happy one, a sad but optimistic one, and a downright tearjerking one. I just couldn't choose between them, so I'm going to write all 3!
Thankyou so much for all my faithful reviewers - I'll be replying to comments at the end of the next chapter.
But until then...read and review!