A Day in the Life of Naraku
By Dranxis
Chapter 2: Of Cookies and Combustion
"C'mon, Ron, or Ran, or Run…." Kohaku gasped. Collapsing into the floor, the boy stretched out a feeble hand.
"Slow down… you're going to make me lose… my… job…."
"My name's RIN!" snapped the little girl, whipping around. "Why does everyone get it wrong? For chrissakes, it's one syllable!"
Head bowed to the floor, his lop of hair shadowing his face, Kohaku caught his breath. "How does that demon lord put up with you?" he sighed, at length. Getting to his knees, the demon-slayer in training struck a stance.
"My master told me to catch you… and I won't fail him!" he declared, swinging the chain of his sickle. But before he could put forth one step, Rin had scampered away.
"This is the greatest hide-and-seek place EVER!" she squealed. "So much fun! Even better than whacking Jaken on the head!" Flinging her arms out like the wings of a plane, the little girl spurred up into the next floor. Kohaku exhaled a ragged sigh, and gave chase. But then, to his horror, he heard them: those dreaded words, portending the most ominous of dooms…
"Ooooooooh! What's THIS?"
No! What if she's found it… My left sock collection? How will I spend my boring days at the castle now? Who will collect the left socks my master Naraku inexplicably leaves around? Or worse… what if she's found my diary? Or my collection of heart-rending poems?
Terror held the boy's mind in its heart-pounding grip, its freezing embrace. I can't live without my poems! My existence will become meaningless! I'll just be… useless carbon in the universe or something!
Dashing up the stairs, Kohaku raced to the source of the child's giggles. Their bell-like peal was muffled behind a sliding door: with a burst of energy, he barged through. Gasping he stood confronting the darkness. And there was Rin, huddled over a box of indistinguishable objects.
"Now, what are these?" pouted Rin, holding one up to the dim light. "Looks like some kinda ugly doll." With his pulse roaring through his ears, it took a second for Kohaku to recognize the odd thing. A slim, crudely carved piece of wood, with a simple face… and one strand of black hair wound around it. It was a golem, the kind Naraku used to dispatch his "clones" around the countryside. Scattered around Rin were several other golems.
"Hmm, poor dollie, you must be sad, being so ugly and all," cooed Rin. From within her kimono she drew out a stick of lipstick. "I'll make you all better, you just wait and see." With that, she began to draw fat pink lips around the golem's mouth.
"Wait, stop!" cried Kohaku, tackling her. They scuffled like only children could, biting and bashing and clawing at each other. From the fray emerged a victorious Rin. Kohaku squirmed, his sickle-chain tangled around his wrists and legs.
"Who knows what you could've done?" yelled the demon-slayer, worming around to face her. "Those golems are Naraku's… You're messing with powers beyond your comprehension!"
"Aww, pipe down, freckle-face," she snapped, waving him away. "I'm just giving little Henrietta here a makeover." Smiling, she drew little eyelashes around the wooden golem's eyes. "Look, she's so pretty now!" Kohaku untangled himself from the chains.
"Pretty? I'll show you something REAL pretty!" roared Kohaku, pouncing on her. Throughout the castle rang the drumming of their scuffle, the bangings and bashes and yelps of pain. But over it all, came a sudden, screechy lament.
"HENRIETTA!" Rin dove to the floor. In the scuffle, the make-up dabbled golem had burst into splinters. Kohaku stood horrified over her.
Oh, master, what have I done? Somewhere out there, a golem just…
-deep in the wilderness-
"And now, Naraku you bastard, you'll pay for ruining the lives of almost every character in this damn show!" cried Inu-Yasha, vaulting high above the fur-clad demon. His Tetsusaiga flashed golden as he unsheathed it, to cool to a light pewter. With an arc of power the dog-demon brought slamming down on the Naraku golem's head.
"Pitiful half-breed, you think you can best me?" laughed the golem, sliding deftly out of the way. "Why, you're nothing but a—" But the golem never got to finish his statement, for right there and then… he exploded.
Spattered with Naraku-juice, and bits of fluffy white fur, Inu-Yasha fell to the ground. Kagome, Miroku, Sango and Shippo stared blinking at the dark sooty spot where the Naraku had been.
Silence reigned. At length, Inu-Yasha mirrored all of their thoughts with one statement.
"What the… FUCK was that?"
-back to the castle-
Swinging his purple-clad legs briskly as he strode, Naraku turned to Kagura.
"Believe me, dear, you truly haven't lived until you've tried my cupcakes. Or until you've read War and Peace, in all its Tolstoyilian glory (coined a phrase there), but hah, I can forgive you for that transgression." And he laughed as though at some private joke. Kagura scowled. What "transgression?"
For some time they continued to walk, passing endless corridors and dark causeways filled with clouds of miasma. As they passed, Kagura stumbled on the scattered bones of corpses, the remains of the former servants of the castle. She shuddered as they crunched beneath her feet, and dust clouds rose where they trod.
"Now, I am beginning to wish I didn't take over such a rather large castle," Naraku grumbled, passing a hand across his brow. "It's such a bother just to find the kitchen in this place. And really, I'm out of shape, I don't get much exercise, leading such a sheltered life…" he trailed off. Fanning away the miasma from her face, Kagura sighed. Why should he get exercise? All he does is sit on his ass and plot all day, or stare broodingly out the window, she thought, lashing him with a sidelong glare. Naraku failed to notice her sudden discontent, as he rounded a bend in the hallway.
"Ah, finally! I knew I left this kitchen somewhere."
Kagura had to strain her eyes to tell there lay a kitchen in the darkness. Before them, greasy pots and pans were piled in a cobweb-laced sink. Unswept floors met a ceiling splattered with what looked like bloodstains, or perhaps discolored soup. Kagura fanned the sickly-sweet smell of forgotten food away, pulling a wry face. Nearly retching as she stepped over a scuttling cockroach, the servant followed her master reluctantly into the kitchen.
"Now, let's see here," ruminated Naraku, ignoring Kagura's facial protests, "milk, eggs, flour, sugar… peaches… peaches…hmmm…no peaches…" He frowned, casting about for the vital ingredient. His dull red eyes fell upon an empty fruit basket.
"Ahh, that's right. I used up all my peaches making cupcakes for Sesshoumaru. No matter: I shall make you some cookies instead. Is that alright, Kagura?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever," grumbled Kagura. She glanced longingly at the door, hoping to be away from her master as fast as she could. Naraku rubbed his hands gleefully together, reaching for an apron on the wall. "KISS THE COOK" arced across its front in bold red letters.
"Now Kagura! When I name the ingredient, I want you to pass it over here. We'll whip up some cookies in no time at all."
"What kind of cookies?" she asked in a bored tone. Naraku smiled.
"Well, I'm not sure exactly what's going to be in them. You see, I haven't gotten out much to shop for groceries, so we'll just have to…be a little creative with the ingredients. But they'll still be great, I assure you of that."
Kagura stared at him, aghast, as the meaning of his words sank in. Oh my Kami-sama, what have I gotten myself into!
Meanwhile…
Kanna gazed up into the darkness. Upon her ears fell various screams, yelps, and other assorted signs of a fight. She gave a small sigh, readjusting the mirror in her hands.
"Well, I guess I'd better check on them," she whispered, ascending the stairs. Her sandaled feet made no sound on the wooden steps, though the hem of her plain dress rustled against the planks. Holding her black eyes ahead, she listened, catching angry bursts of Kohaku and Rin's voices:
"Lookit what you did to Henrietta!"
"What I did? You were the one coloring on Naraku's golem! When he catches you, your going to be in soooooooo much trouble!"
"Nyah nyah! You better not tattle-tale!"
"Narakuuuuuu! Master, Kin's broke your golem!"
"HER NAME'S HENRIETTA! AND MY NAME'S RIN! Get it right! And… and.. HE
did it!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too! Hey, what's your name?"
"Kohaku."
"KOHAKU BROKE IT!"
"Hey!"
Kanna rolled her eyes. The fools… Worse than children! They're so loud! At least I know when to keep my mouth shut around here. A brief flicker of irritation crossed her face. Honestly, I'm the only quiet character in this show. Kanna smiled, inwardly proud of her reserve and maturity for one as young as she. I'm Naraku's favorite. He told me to punish that boy if he couldn't keep the girl in line… Now, my only threat to that title, Kohaku, will soon be eliminated. Then the hierarchy of favoritism will be in its rightful order.
Mounting the stairs to the next floor, the soulless girl followed the sound of Rin and Kohaku's voices. Before long, she came upon their room, where the two children had set up forts of chests and chairs.
"Take that, radish-head!" cried Rin, lobbing a pillow like a grenade over her fort. Kohaku dodged the projectile, returning fire with stuffed animals.
"Radish head? What kinda name is that?"
"I dunno, your hair reminds me of the tufty part… the part you pull outta the ground…" Scampering forward, Rin stormed his fort, leaping up to pull the boy's ponytail.
"Well, what's with this? It looks like an exit wound!" he said, dodging her and tugging on her short lopsided pigtail. Rin squealed and stamped on his foot.
"Sesshoumaru thinks it's pretty!"
Kanna coughed. But neither the boy nor the girl before her noticed. Clearing her throat, Kanna coughed again, suddenly regretting her unnoticeable-ness. When the two children did not even look her way, she stamped her foot.
"Will you two stop fighting and listen for once!" she yelled raspily. To her surprise, Kohaku and Rin glanced her way. Kohaku shuffled away from Rin, staring sheepishly at the ground.
"Oh, Kanna… Umm, this isn't what it looks like… Nothing happened here, honest, there's nothing to tell Naraku…"
"But he broke Hen—!" Quickly Kohaku stifled the child, clamping a hand over her mouth. Turning to an indifferent Kanna, he grinned cheesily.
"This little girl doesn't know what she's talking about." Her screams muffled against his hand, Rin squirmed, face red with rage. Kanna stepped forward, a twitch of disgust appearing over her brow.
"I've had it with you two, ruining the nice, peaceful silence in this castle," she whispered in a small, menacing voice. Rin stopped struggling as silence fell.
"You and that girl, breaking the master's things, yelling and jumping about like monkeys… I've had enough it it," she continued, advance. Kohaku stepped back, his eyes wide. He had never seen the emotionless girl so angry, or even angry at all. Kanna lifted her mirror, sending a prismic gleam in their direction.
"You know, I could tell Naraku about this, right now. That you let the girl break one of his golems. That you disobeyed orders, Kohaku," she hissed, walking slowly in his direction. "Naraku listens to me. I'm his favorite. He always counts on me. But you… you are dispensable. You're just a shield against you're sister." A tiny smile appeared on her face. "I could kill you right now, with this mirror, and no one would even notice." The horrible smile remained on her pallid mask of a face, as her short tresses of white hair flared about like a wicked frame. "How would you like to have your soul sucked from your body, Kohaku? Think it'd make any difference? After all, you don't remember anything about yourself, do you?"
Terror shone in Kohaku's eyes, as he stood merciless before the white-clad girl. Beside him, Rin huddled close, now petrified into silence by this strange new girl. Kanna laughed, a small, ghostly whisper of a laugh.
"You know what, Kohaku? I haven't done something without Naraku's orders in a long time. This is going to be fun." With that she lifted her mirror, and flashed it in his direction. For a fleeting moment, Kohaku saw his reflection, his pale face and terror-stricken eyes. Grinning, Kanna raised the mirror, stepped forward to steal his soul when—
She tripped on a stuffed animal.
Kanna went flying. With a thwunk she slammed into the floor head crashing into the ground. Her mirror rolled harmlessly away.
Still rooted with fear, Kohaku and Rin stared at Kanna's down-turned face. Minutes passed, and the girl did not get up. A little dribble of blood oozed out from where her forehead lay.
"Eeeeeeeeewwwww…" whined Rin. "Is it dead?" She stepped forward, poking Kanna's still body.
"I… I dunno…." gasped Kohaku, still shaken. "But let's not wait around to find out. C'mon, Rin let's get outta---"
"Urrrrgghhhh. My head!" groaned Kanna, sitting up. She rubbed her forehead, face scrunched up with pain. Standing up, she glared about as though looking for someone to blame. Rin jumped back.
"OWWWWWiiiieee! Okay, which one o' you punks gave me this booboo?" Kanna demanded, sticking out her bottom lip. As the two other children stared, Kohaku slowly realized that something was very, very wrong. Kanna dusted her dress off with an impatient air.
"Oh, stop staring like dat! Spit it out! Where am I, and who are you two?" she continued, pointing a stubby finger at the two of them. After a great deal of confused blinking, Kohaku answered her.
"Umm, Kanna… are you feeling okay?"
"Huh? My name's not Kanna…. It's Kiki. You got the wrong girl, boy."
She hit her head harder than I thought! realized an astounded Kohaku. Rin inched forward, squinting intently at the other girl.
"Kohaku, I think she's got…uh.. what do they call it? Ammeezia?" she ventured, staring at Kanna as though at a zoo animal with a rare disease.
"Whatchu talkin' bout, girl?" snapped Kanna, glaring fiercely at Rin. "I don't got no annezier or nutin'… I remember fine. I remember lots o' things."
Kohaku scratched his head. "What… kinds of things do you remember, uh, Kiki?" he said, a small smile of amusement on his face. Scowling at his sarcastic tone, Kanna "hmmphed!"
"I got's a good memory. I remember big sistah Kagoowa, and how I used to steal her makeup… And I remember Daddy too…"
"…Daddy?" Rin and Kohaku exchanged a significant glance.
"Yeah, 'course I remember Daddy. He's the bestest Daddy in the whole wide world!" squealed Kanna, jumping in the air. "Hey, just where is Daddy, anyway? DAAAAAAADDDDDDYYYYY!" And with Kohaku and Rin staring wild-eyed after her, Kanna raced out of the room.
Silence. Rin traded looks with Kohaku once more.
"Err, Kohaku…. She isn't talking about… Naraku, is she?"
With her arms crossed, Kagura glared doubtfully down at the tray of cookies in the oven. Waves of heat issued from its closed hatch. Humming the tune to his background music theme, Naraku rocked back and forth on his heels.
Rubbing two fingers to her temple, Kagura recalled to mind how they had prepared the cookies. Minutes stretched as she glared at the cookies, then at Naraku.
Oblivious of her glaring, Naraku continued to hum his repetitive theme music.
"Dunh-nun-nun nuh, NUH, Dun-nun-nun-nun nuh… Dunh-nun-nun nuh, NUH, Dun-nun-nun nuh…"
"Naraku, are you sure these cookies are going to be any good?" she cut in irritably, sick and tired of her master's recent little habits. Naraku paused, jarred out of his theme-trance, then realized that he was being spoken too.
"But of course, my dear. You really must never have tried my cooking to ask such an obvious question. Why, my cookies are the epitome of subtlety, ranging in the most exquisite of tastes…"
"Have you made cookies with these kinds of ingredients before?" she persisted. Somehow, cookies baked with mustard, curry rice, mayonnaise, salted pickles, and licorice were not her opinion of good eatin'. Naraku turned up his nose to the air.
"Kagura, if you continue to doubt my skills as your master, I may have to rethink keeping you around as my servant. Do you want to become part of my body once more?" he said icily, the hungry, malicious gaze of old coming into his eyes. Kagura took a step back, making apologetic gestures with her fan.
"No, no, of course not, master… I wouldn't dream of insulting your cookies… Just please, don't take me back…"
"I thought so," he hissed, the words like the touch of a cold whip from his mouth. When he turned around, Kagura grimaced. That bastard, I'll say what I like about his cookies.
For a while, they stood in silence, watching the hatch of the oven as it glowed a warm red. Finally, and thankfully before Naraku could start up his humming again, a little dling! cut the silence.
"Ah, the cookies are done!" exclaimed Naraku, bustling forward with oven mitts. Kagura stepped back as he slid out a steaming tray of cookies. Or… more like little yellow-brown piles of boiling mush.
"Don't get too excited: we're going to have to wait for them to cool down first," warned Naraku, as though to a child. Kagura, though, was only too happy to delay the eating of such dreaded cookies a little while longer.
At length, the fizzling, molten cookies cooled and hardened to a deep muddy brown. Kagura longed to pinch her nose to overcome their horrible mustard smell. Naraku, however, seemed perfectly content with the appearance of his cookies.
"Why, they look wonderful! I've never baked a finer batch. Now, my dear Kagura," he said ceremoniously, taking out a spatula with sincere gravity, "you shall be the first to try these cookies. Oh, how lucky you are!" He slipped the spatula underneath a cookie. With visible signs of a struggle, he pried it off the tray surface, leaving a little ring of crust on the metal. And then, with a look of death in Kagura's eyes, he offered it to her.
Kagura stared at the cookie in her hand. With a pleading face, she tried to give it back to Naraku.
"But, Naraku…. These are your specialty… You should be the first to try them…" But Naraku adamantly shook his head. Knowing she had no choice, Kagura reached up the cookie to her mouth… and took a small bite.
Staring expectantly at his servant as she chewed, Naraku clasped his hands together.
"Isn't it delicious? Now, Kagura, I want you to be completely honest about what you think of my cookies, okay?"
"You want me to be…honest?" murmured Kagura darkly, with cookie in her mouth. Naraku nodded. Taking a deep breath, Kagura motioned to swallow, then spat out the cookie to the side.
"Your cookies are HORRIBLE!" she snarled, sputtering out the last disgusting crumbs from her mouth. The smile wiped off of his pale face, Naraku gazed earnestly at her.
"But, no… you can't mean they…"
"Look, Naraku, I'm tired of putting up with your stupid little hobbies. I'm telling you right now: you SUCK at cooking. Your cookies are REVOLTING. Got it?" She gave the last dumply cookies a dirty look. With his head in his hands, Naraku stared at her with disbelief.
"But… but… Juromaru said he liked my cookies!" he whimpered, putting out his hands in a hopeful gesture.
"Juromaru… was a freaking bloodthirsty MONSTER!" Kagura snapped, waving her fan. "That freak had orange juice and raw dog livers for breakfast! What makes you think HE knew anything about cookies?"
"Well, Kagura," growled Naraku, now over the shock of the slight to his cooking skills, "what do you propose we do about my cooking?" He dusted off his apron, then glared at her demandingly.
"Well, for one thing…" faltered Kagura, who honestly didn't know how to improve such a hopeless cook, "we need to get someone who knows about this sort of thing. You know. To teach you."
"Alright.. like who?"
"Erm, well… It can't be a guy," she said emphatically, closing her fan and tapping it to her chin in thought. "That would be just… too creepy. You know, for another guy to come over here, and teach you to cook."
Naraku sighed, rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He slid a hand impatiently through his tangled hair.
"Okay, okay, so I'll find a woman. Now, Kagura, you know… I don't know very many women." Once more he sighed, inwardly grieving his lack of a social life. Not having thought of this, Kagura pulled a bewildered face.
"Well, um… Okay, so how many women do you know?"
"Hmm, let's see. There's you…"
"Nuh-uh. I don't know anything about cooking. I didn't even know we had a kitchen in this place," she said, truthfully. Naraku tapped one foot to the floor, obviously straining his brain.
"Then there's that Inu-Yasha's wench, Kagome… I could capture her, force her to teach me how to cook…" He smiled evilly at the thought. Kagura shook her head.
"Nah. Too young and inexperienced. She'd probably just make you worse."
"There's Tsubaki… But I don't even know where she is. And then Sango… but no, no, we can't have that… She'd just come here as an excuse to take back her brother… There's just one other person…" But the pained look on his face said that he'd have anyone but them.
"Well, who does that leave?" snapped Kagura, who was at her wit's end. Naraku turned his face away, sighed heavily.
"…Kikyo."
He covered his face with one hand. Kagura raised an eyebrow.
"Kikyo. Hmm.. Isn't she that one priestess?" Naraku nodded.
"And…" trailed off Kagura, a strange look on her face, "doesn't she… like… hate your guts or something?"
Again, a silent nod from Naraku. Kagura continued to stare at him.
"And isn't she the one... that you have, umm, rather provocative posters of in your closet?"
"…Yes."
More confused silence from Kagura. Then: "Well, umm, okay…Naraku, if you really, really want to learn how to cook… It looks like she's your only choice."
Turned away from her, Naraku remained silent. Then, at length, she heard it: a quiet, muffled laughter. Very steadily, it climbed in volume, until Naraku's shoulders began to quake with the effort of hiding his laughter. Then, he whirled around, laughing at the top of his lungs.
"Kagura! Get a piece of parchment and a pen!" he ordered triumphantly, with a sweep of his hand. "There's a message I want you to deliver to my dear, dear lady Kikyo…"
To be continued
Authoress's note: Whew! A little longer than the last one. This one foreshadows some of the weirder meetings of characters that are to come. Anyway, THANK YOU readers for reviewing, and also the readers who are too lazy to review. It makes me happy that someone could actually find this bizarre crap funny.
Oh, and sorry for the lack of Sesshiness in this chapter. But trust me, you're going to see plenty of him in the next one… heh heh…