Disclaimer: I obviously don't own it. It's all for fun.
Summary: This is a response to the fan fiction contest at Third Floor Corridor. No HBP. 7th year fic. Severus loses a bet with the headmaster and has to rid his wardrobe of everything black. Hermione is charged with taking him to muggle London to purchase new clothing.
Mad props to mak for being my beta on yet another story. You rock!
Option 2: Write a comedy. Over 3000 words. Make it a totally ironic situation, one that we don't see very often. It can involve an ironic discovery, a strange situation, teachers, students, and the whole lot. The challenge lies in the fact that you can only use one of these as a main character. Have fun with this! I want to laugh.
I am using Severus Snape as my main character.
The first chapter of the story is background leading up the contest part of the story. I like to write somewhat complete stories so that is how I wrote it.
Let me know what you think!
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Chapter One
Making a Bet & Losing It
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The final battle took place the summer before the Golden Trio's seventh and final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was on the school grounds where the battle began and ended. The order had moved into Hogwarts for the summer so they could all train for the fight against Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Harry had trained constantly since the end of his sixth year. He had physical fitness with Kingsley Shacklebolt, dueling lessons with every single Order member at some point, and Occlumency lessons with Snape.
Snape had been a surprise to most people. He taught Harry everything he could about the subject. Most people thought the change occurred shortly after he was discovered as a spy. With renewed vigor he worked Harry to the bone to get him ready to fight with a closed mind. He was also one of the few people Harry had trouble defeating in a duel. Neither would admit it but they both seemed to enjoy a good duel against the other. Snape also had an insider view of how the Death Eaters fought. This was a tremendous advantage for the order.
The day of the final battle was nothing less than chaos. Curses were flying, bodies were dropping and to top it off, it was raining. With the help of Severus Snape, Harry was finally able to make his way to Voldemort. Time seemed to slow down as they shot curse after curse towards one another. Harry had his wand shot from his hand and he feigned defeat. Before Voldemort was able to cast the killing curse Harry pulled out a spare wand and yelled the killing curse, defeating Voldemort once and for all.
Despite the fact that Voldemort was defeated the fighting continued. The remaining Death Eaters were captured and the injured were sent to the hospital wing. Luckily, Madame Pomfrey had all the potions she would need. Severus and Hermione had spent all their free time making potions that would be needed the most. The two had eventually come to work in companionable silence, getting everything done with minimal bickering.
The wizarding world was jubilant, throwing party after party to celebrate the victory. Soon the students who survived the final battle would be riding the Hogwarts Express for another year of schooling.
XXX
The Hogwarts Express was heading down the track; the students were in their compartments talking about everything that had happened over the summer. In one of the compartments, six students sat discussing the things they always did on the train. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna were discussing who would be the next Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. They had absolutely no clue who would be teaching, but that didn't stop them from guessing.
The opening feast was magnificent as always. The food was wonderful and the chatter was light and happy. The new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was Kingsley Shacklebolt. Everyone was excited because they knew he would do an excellent job. The headmaster's speech was amazingly short, much to the relief of the students who wanted nothing more than to get back to their dormitories to party with their friends.
XXX
Later that evening Severus Snape sat in the headmaster's office sipping a glass of cognac while talking with Albus. They had been talking about the students and how far some of them had come in their magical abilities. Of course, this led to the discussion of Neville Longbottom and his poor potions skills. "The boy may be slightly above average in dueling, but he is a piss poor potions brewer," Severus said sneering.
"That's only because you hound him in the classroom, my boy," Albus replied while popping a lemon drop in his mouth.
"I do not hound him, as you put it. I merely point out his inadequacies, which are many, I might add." Severus finished his second glass of cognac and poured himself another glass. Albus knew Severus liked to kick back a few drinks before the term officially began.
Making sure the potions master was starting to relax from the alcohol Albus made his move saying, "How about a friendly wager to start off the term Severus?"
Severus perked up at the mention of a bet. They had started each year off with a bet and Severus had won every single one of them. Severus knew the headmaster well enough to give him a task he knew the headmaster couldn't accomplish. Albus Dumbledore was an amazing wizard, but his sweet tooth would always be his demise in their friendly betting game.
Albus of course knew he always lost the bet Severus wagered with him, but, he also knew Severus wouldn't make him pay too much. Albus thought long and hard about his bet with Severus and knew the perfect bet. "Severus, I bet you can't go four months without yelling at Mr. Longbottom in the potions classroom."
"And I bet you can't go four month without popping a sweet into your mouth." Severus looked at Albus who shook his head in affirmation with twinkling eyes. They shook hands and said "deal" simultaneously.
An hour later, and another glass of cognac, Severus returned to his quarters to retire for the evening. It was going to be a long and trying semester for Severus Snape to go without yelling at Longbottom for four months.
XXX
The morning began with 7th year NEWT, double Potions. The Gryffindors weren't so scared of their potions professor. Spending the summer training with him proved he was human after all. Hermione and Harry sat together while Neville sat with Hannah Abbot from Hufflepuff.
The potions door burst open as usual and Snape made his theatrical début to the class. He spun around and glanced at them all before he started to give his opening speech. "You are all here in hopes of gaining a NEWT in potions. How some of you are still in this class is beyond me," he said looking pointedly at Harry and Neville. "This year will be much more difficult than the previous years. You will have to devote a good deal of your time to this class if you expect to be ready for NEWTS." With that said, he flicked his wand at the board and the directions to make Veritaserum appeared. "I don't expect many of you to get this potion correct. You will be brewing this potion many times this year. You will know the ingredients by heart as well as the steps. If you forget everything else from your education here, you will always remember this potion by the time I'm done with you." Severus sat behind his desk and eyed the class for a few seconds. "Well, what are you waiting for? Get to it! The potion certainly won't brew itself."
The students jumped up quickly knowing it wasn't good to waste any time while brewing. They gathered up their ingredients and set to work. Severus watched them as they carefully measured their ingredients. He could already tell Longbottom's potion would be rubbish, he had too much of every single ingredient. He shook his head and let the dunderhead continue making mistakes. The only competent brewing in the class came from Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. He watched them both out of the corner of his eyes to see them working effortlessly and precisely. They both had talent, although Draco was more of a natural. Hermione was a much better thinker; he could tell in her essays. Her writing had developed so much in her sixth year. She had stopped writing facts and information right from every book she found and started coming up with theories of her own. Severus was pleased he had at least two able students in his NEWT class this year.
By the end of class Severus had walked around the classroom critiquing each potion and telling them what was wrong and why. As usual Hermione and Draco had the best potions in the class, even though there was still great room for improvement. Of course, Potter and Longbottom had the worst two potions ever. He berated them with a cold tone that sent chills down the spines of first years. "You two have a lot of work ahead of you. This is the worst showing of brewing I have ever seen. I believe a second year could have done better than the two of you combined. Severus then gave the class a lengthy essay on the potion specifically why the proper weight of each ingredient was important and how too much or too little of even one ingredient can make the potion ineffective.
Severus sat down behind his desk and smirked to himself; he had gotten through the first potions class of the year without wanting to yell or hex Longbottom. The boy was an absolute menace in the potions classroom. How he had managed an OWL blew Severus's mind. Stopping himself from thinking about Longbottom, he could think of tons of other mundane things, he started to prepare for his next class.
XXX
Friday brought another potions class. Severus didn't have to deal with Longbottom's inadequacies this time because he spent the time discussing their essays and more details surrounding the Veritaserum potion.
Later that evening Severus was sitting with Albus having a chat about the first week of classes. Albus, of course, asked Severus how his 7th year NEWT classes were going. Severus smirked and answered, "Wonderful. You will be happy to know that Longbottom escaped unscathed."
"Excellent!" Albus exclaimed happily. He knew Severus would keep his cool for a while, but it most likely wouldn't last when the end of the semester drew near, and he was drowned with papers and had to create exams.
"And how is your sweet tooth doing?" Severus asked as he bit into a biscuit.
It's going well my boy. As you can tell I've been eating biscuits in their place. Though, for some reason more people have taken the biscuits this week than they have accepted my lemon drops." Albus was thinking hard about that last statement, which made Severus smile, well more like an upward twitch of the corners of his mouth. He knew the headmaster would break soon; he couldn't take bland biscuits for four months.
XXX
Severus and Albus had been successful in their bets for the first month. Albus was still eating biscuits to sate his sweet tooth and Severus had started ignoring Longbottom altogether; well, except when he took points from Gryffindor for his horrible potion.
During the second month of the bet, things started to become difficult for Albus. Having zero sweets was starting to affect him. He was getting slightly sluggish and he wasn't as jolly as he used to be. Minerva had taken it upon herself to figure out what was wrong with the headmaster. When she confronted Albus, he told her all about his bet with Severus. She laughed at him and said, "good luck" as she exited the headmaster's office clutching her sides.
The next couple of meals she purposely had sweet deserts. She ate them in front of the disgruntled headmaster and said he should taste it. He almost took a bite of her pumpkin crisp, but stopped when he saw a victorious glint in the potions master's eyes. Smiling brightly at Severus he set his fork down and forced down another biscuit.
XXX
Severus was starting to struggle as well, but he wouldn't let the headmaster know. One incident had almost made Severus rip the boy's head off. They were working on the Felix Felicis as a review potion, to see who could actually remember the ingredients and steps. Longbottom had screwed up again. Severus had watched them all like hawks to make sure no one blew up the classroom. Longbottom had almost succeeded in doing just that when Severus grabbed his hand just before the boy poured in a very volatile ingredient into the mix. "Longbottom, your inability to even remember which ingredients make a destructive potion, when added together, astounds me." Taking the cup full of ashwinder eggs from Neville, he sneered, looking down at the boy, "Actually, it doesn't. I should have expected less from you. Pity." Severus banished his potion, took fifty points from Gryffindor, and gave him two weeks detention with Mr. Filch.
After class Severus strode quickly to his chambers and poured a glass of expensive brandy. He downed the first glass and poured a second glass. Downing the second one, he started to relax. Crashing onto his couch he closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Had he not made that bet with Albus, he would have yelled at Longbottom until the boy pissed himself.
A week later Longbottom screwed up again. 'How utterly unbelievable' Severus thought as he looked murderously at the quivering boy, soaked in a blue paste. He made his potion too thick and it literally blew up in his face.
Severus saw red as he stalked toward the dimwitted Gryffindor. "Do you have no sense at all?" Severus demanded.
"S-s-sorry sir, I-i-i…."
"Nevermind your pitiful excuses," he said in a dangerous tone, "I want you out of this classroom, now!" He made sure he didn't yell at him, just speaking firmly with a sneer on his face.
Longbottom left the classroom in a hurry and class resumed at its normal quiet pace.
Albus got wind of Neville's exile from potions and went to Severus's rooms after dinner to talk to the potions master about it. He knocked on the door and waited a few minutes before knocking again. Suddenly, the door was yanked open by Severus, who looked a mess. His hair was sticking out in different places and his eyes were almost closed. He looked like he had been asleep after passing out from too much alcohol; which was exactly what happened. "What is it Albus?" he said gruffly.
Albus walked in and noticed an empty bottle of brandy beside the couch. He didn't bring it up, but just sat down in the arm chair beside the couch. Albus chuckled as he watched Severus stumble to the couch and lay down unceremoniously onto the couch. He put one arm over his eyes while his other arm lay on his chest. "As much as I enjoy your presence in my rooms, I must ask what the hell you want?" he said sarcastically.
"I don't think kicking Mr. Longbottom out of your class is acceptable. Especially, if you did it to get him out of your sight until the end of the bet." Albus's eyes were twinkling as he talked.
Severus just groaned before replying, "He's going to kill the class soon if something isn't done. It has been six years and he has no skills."
"Then how do you explain his OWL?" Albus replied.
"Because you made me lower my standards!" Severus yelled. He regretted it instantly because it made his headache worse than it already was.
"Well you can't keep him out of your class. I won't allow it." Albus put his hands on his knees and stood up. He placed a hand on the crown of Severus's head and said, "I will give you a Neville free week, but I expect him back after that." When he reached the door he turned around and added, "Oh, and don't forget to take a Hangover Potion; I believe you will need it." As the door was closing, Albus chuckled when he heard a grunt in reply.
XXX
The Longbottom-free week rushed by too quickly for Severus. He had gone back to ignoring him. It worked well into the third month of the bet. However, all good things must come to an end.
Neville had bottled his completed, but horribly incorrect, potion and was walking to put it on Professor Snape's desk when he tripped on his feet throwing the potion behind him, back towards the class. Severus watched in horror as the potion sailed through the air. Coming back to himself, he quickly acciod the potion to him. He gripped the potion tightly in his hand and sneered in disgust at the boy who was still sprawled out on the floor. "I believe you have done quiet enough for one day Mr. Longbottom. Get out."
Severus dismissed the class and practically ran to his rooms. He warded them fully and put up a multiple silencing spells. Once he was satisfied he threw his head back and yelled at the top of his lungs. He yelled until his voice went hoarse and he collapsed onto his chair. Severus was a strong willed person and he could usually handle absurdly annoying people but this was just way too much. He had done everything in his powers to try to handle his anger towards the biggest dunderhead to grace the halls of Hogwarts. He really didn't think he could handle much more. A month was an extremely long time, but, he would still try. He couldn't lose to Albus, he just couldn't.
XXX
With two weeks left until the end of the bet, Severus was feeling more confident that he could win. This was unfortunately, an incorrect calculation on his part. Just when he thought it could get no worse, he was proven wrong.
The classroom was silent except for the sounds of knives cutting through ingredients and the bubbling of simmering potions. Suddenly, there was a loud explosion and everyone and everything was splashed with orange goo.
Severus stood slowly all the while burning a hole in Neville's head by his stare. He stood in front of Neville's desk simmering in anger. This was the last straw! It was too much, the boy was beyond help; he should be killed for his stupidity! Severus practically blew a gasket as he screamed at the top of his lungs, "You idiotic boy! How you managed to get into this class, let alone survive childhood, is beyond me! If it weren't for your less than average dueling skills, I would swear you were a squib! IF you survive this class without blowing your head off I will die of shock! You are absolutely the most hideous student I have ever had and if you ever procreate and that child is sent here I will certainly kill myself before I resign myself to dealing with another LONGBOTTOM!"
Looking around at the class with wild eyes, he loudly dismissed them after they all scrubbed the classroom clean.
Severus arrived at his room and quickly rid himself of his potions covered robes. He wouldn't be able to salvage them, 'one set of robes down the drain,' he thought.
XXX
Albus heard from the great vine what happened in Potions. He was ecstatic that his friend lost. Now he just needed to gently break the news of what Severus had to do for failing the bet. Before he told Severus his fate he needed to talk to someone about a very important task.