A Day in the Life of Naraku
By Dranxis
Chapter 5: Catfights and Dogfights
"…6…7…8…9…10! Ready or not, here I come!" called Rin, turning away from the wall. She swung her bushy head about, narrowed eyes trying to see in the dim corridors. "I wonder where Kiki's gotten to?"
Humming the song, "Why is Jaken green?" the human girl tramped into the darkness. She folded her hands behind her back in a business-like manner. With a frown, she poked her hand around a corner.
"I'm gonna fiiiiiiiiiiiind you, Kiki!" she projected in a sing-song voice. No answer, no telltale giggle of a hider trying not to laugh at the seeker's silliness. Rin furrowed her brow. There was no echo either, just her voice being swallowed up into the black. Naraku's castle sure is creepy, she thought, tentatively stepping into the darkness. It'd be a fun place to play laser-tag, but… hide-and-seek's kinda scary.
Her bare feet padding on the floors, Rin continued on. She heard a rustle of robes; whipping around, the girl stared with wide eyes. No one there, no flicker of movement at the corner of her eye. She stood back, biting her lip. "I'm not afraid!" she confirmed to herself in a whisper. With her eyes trailing nervously about, Rin resumed her trek. She passed several long hallways, from which branched out other entrees and corridors. Rin coughed, feeling a felty softness at her feet. There's a thick layer of dust up here on the floor. No one's been here in ages, she thought, with wonder. Doesn't Naraku come up here and sweep once in a while? The thought of Naraku with a broom, his hair tied back in a cleaner's bandana, made the young girl giggle. She froze, hearing her giggle stifled by the silence.
"…Kiki? Are you here?" she whispered. Once more, there was no answer. Rin glanced around at the circle of passageways around here. It's like a maze. I could get lost here, and not even Sesshoumaru would find me. Rin's eyes teared up with fear. I'd be up here forever, and get all covered with that soft dust, and look like a little snowman… Now Rin really did begin to cry. Oh Lord Sesshoumaru, I don't want to be a dumply little snowman! Sniffling, she turned a corner.
And there was Kanna. The little girl was sprawled, almost flattened into a wall as she pressed against it. Arms spread at odd angles, her back was turned to Rin. Rin walked up to Kanna, whose face was smushed away from her. Blinking away a tear in bewilderment, she spoke.
"Umm, Kiki… Is that your hiding place?"
"Yeah. Purty good, huh?" grinned Kanna, turning around her face. Rin eyed her strangely: with her white dress and hair, the girl stuck out like a pumpkin in a potato field against the black wall.
"Kiki, why are you, umm, hugging the wall like that?"
"I'm not huggin' it!" spat Kanna, shrugging a shoulder. "I'm camouflaging, see? Like a chameleon, one of those freaky buggers on Animal Planet. I just lie flat against this wall, and nobody c'n see me." She lifted her head, a smug smile on her lips. "C'mon, aren't I like, invisible?" Rin shifted onto one other foot.
"Kiki, I can see you. You can't camouflage unless you have matching colors, I think. And Kiki, your dress doesn't match. It's white as a…" Rin stuck her lip out, struggling to come up with a creative analogy.
"As a…?" went on Kanna expectantly.
"As a… dirty wash-cloth," finished Rin lamely.
"Aww, dat's not very white. Try again."
"Okay, it's white as that one white rabbit from uhh, Alice in Wonderland."
"Good golly! That's purty darn white then!" exclaimed Kanna in wonder, stepping away from the wall to look at herself. As she gazed thoughtfully at her ghostly attire, Kanna's arms sunk to her sides. "So I guess I can't camouflage then, huh," she muttered glumly.
"Hey, you can camouflage against the snow, in winter!" suggested Rin cheerfully, bouncing up to her. But Kanna's face remained rutted in a frown, as she exhaled frustratedly.
"But you know, the season never changes in this manga. Rumiko Takahashi doesn't even draw rainy scenes!" she growled, stomping away. Rin pattered alongside her, keeping an optimistic smile.
"Aww, cheer up. You know, my Lord Sesshoumaru's always shown in snowy scenes in the anime," she remarked thoughtfully, sighing as she thought of her beloved demon master. Kanna pulled a confused scowl.
"Who's this Sesshoumaru you're always goin' on about?"
Rin clasped her hands, staring dreamily off as she pictured her lord.
"Lord Sesshoumaru is the dog demon lord who brought me back to life with his sword. He is so strong, but so kind… But he only lets me see his softer side," she boasted, turning to Kanna. "Even if all the evil demons in the world were to attack me, Sesshoumaru would blast them all away with one swing. He's really, really strong… And he's really pretty too."
"Really pretty, huh?" snorted Kanna doubtfully. "What does this guy look like?"
"Well, he has this really long white hair, that's really silky and soft and cool… But it gets super staticky and puffy when you brush it. He doesn't like hairbrushes very much, he always loses them in his hair and never finds 'em.."
"Yeah, yeah. Tell me more about what 'e looks like," prodded Kanna, a note of interest in her voice.
"Hmm, well, he's very very tall, and he's got kinda a snobby lookin' face… But still very pretty! And he wears rich clothing, like a white kimono with red flowers on the sleeves. And he wears armor that's made of dragon-hide of something, kinda blackish-green, and pointy boots. Sesshoumaru always walks real proud, but it's funny when he drags his poofy fluffy thing around, and I jump on, and he keeps walking and doesn't notice… Anyway, like I said, Lord Sesshoumaru's the prettiest demon in the whole world."
"Well, he does sound rather pwetty," admitted Kanna reluctantly. "But I don't think he could win my Daddy in a beauty pageant. My Daddy's a really stylish demon, he takes up to two hours to put on his make-up in the morning, just like a pwincess! And he wears curlers to get little ringlets in his hair, but usually the humidity makes it go into these flat waves. But that just makes him pwettier. And he hand-knits all his clothes, and has my big sister Kagoowa help him pick out an outfit every day. 'Cuz you see, he's the only person in the series that changes his clothes. And he's got these cute lil' sandals, and poofy purple pants, and one time I saw him dress up like this runway model he saw on a magazine cover, but he told me not to tell anyone."
"Your Daddy is really pretty!" assured Rin happily. "Even though he was kinda mean, I thought he looked so pretty and evil staring out that window. I was playing with his baboon pelt before, it's so soft and silky. And his hair… But, ya know, I still think Sesshoumaru is prettier."
"Huh, really? Even though your Sesshoumaru sounds pwetty and all from what you said, Rin, I really do think my Daddy is the pwettiest of all," continued Kanna, smiling. As they walked down the hallway, they laughed. Then, they stopped and faced each other.
"Well, Kiki, I've seen Naraku and Sesshoumaru, and I say my Sesshou's prettier," Rin claimed in a conversational tone, though there was an edge of challenge to her voice. Kanna returned the look with a courteous smile and a murderous glare.
"Maybe you 'ave, but Rin, your Sesshou can't compare to my Daddy, the great Ku-Ku-chan. I don't care what you say, he's the pwettiest in the land."
"…I'm sure, umm, Ku-Ku-chan is very pretty, Kiki. But I'm just saying… With my Lord Sesshoumaru, there's no contest," said Rin with a clenched-teeth smile. Kanna squared her shoulders, a twitch appearing at her brow.
"I don't care what you say! My Ku-Ku-chan's the most bootiful and elegant demon in the world! Admit it!" Kanna snarled. Rin, who was the more agreeable of the two girls, took a wary step back.
"Kiki, there's no need to compare… Both our Sesshou and Ku-Ku-chan are both very pretty." But to the side, she muttered, "But I still think Sesshoumaru is much prettier." Kanna's hair seemed to flare up.
"THAT'S IT! YER GOIN' DOWN!" she screamed, tackling Rin. Instantly Rin's innocent smile faded as she scrambled back from Kanna's wild talons. But even she was engulfed in the melee as the two wrestled over the floor.
"Say it! Say 'Ku-Ku-chan's pwettier than Sesshoumaru!'" cried Kanna, getting Rin in a headlock. Rin slithered out and kicked Kanna back in the stomach, then pressed her down.
"Never! I'll never take my lord's name in vain!" Rin declared, pinning the wild white girl mercilessly into the wood. Kanna gnashed her fangs and wriggled around, snapping at Rin's hands. With a yelp Rin jumped back, releasing her. Kanna instantly pounced at her scruffy-haired rival.
"No mangy dog demon'll ever be prettier than my Daddy!" she continued, battering Rin over the head. But suddenly fire and bristol flashed from Rin's eyes, as she stood up.
"What'd you call Lord Sesshoumaru?" she uttered in a menacing tone, advancing on the Naraku-spawn. Kanna relented, then stepped forward with a wicked grin.
"Your Sesshou's a mangy dog demon! I bet he has fleas too! Nyah nyah!" she taunted, jabbing out her tongue. A palpable aura of flame seemed to materialize about Rin.
"If you don't take that back… I'll have to kill you," warned Rin, in the same low voice. Kanna scowled, jauntily putting her hands on her hips.
"I'm just tellin' the truth, yo. Statin' facts. At least Ku-Ku-chan doesn't go around sniffing other dogs' butts…"
"AIIIIIREEEEEEEHHHH!"
Rin launched at Kanna like a hound loosed from the gates of hell. Kanna was plowed into the opposite wall. Tearing at her hair, Rin mercilessly pounded the soulless girl.
"How dare you… How dare you utter such falsehoods in the name of the lord!" roared Rin, ripping at Kanna's dress. Frantically Kanna ducked out of the way and dashed off. A curdled growl rumbling from her throat, Rin gave chase. Through the halls the two ran, like a cheetah after a gazelle, hurtling down towards the stairs.
"You won't escape the wrath of the lord Sesshoumaru, Kiki! I'll tear out your throat, and knock your teeth into your stomach, and rip our your brains through your ears, and break your fingers one by one, and mop up all the blood with your own flesh!" Rin gasped, her voice suddenly taking on the tone of a cold-blooded killer. Kanna scrambled down the stairway, panting as she glanced back with terrified eyes. Rin bore down on her like a fireball. Screaming, the two little girls tumbled down in a cloud of dust and slashing little claws.
As they rolled to the bottom stair, they froze. Through the castle, a little ding, dong rang. Rin, gnawing on Kanna's dress, while Kanna poised with a fist ready to sock Rin, stared upward. Along came Kagura, who dragged sleepily through the hall. Deep shadows ringed her sunken eyes, as she lifted a jug of sake sloppily to her mouth.
"Gawd… Whudda helluva hango'er…" she slurred, prowling like a cat into view. "Where's that bashtard Naraku'sh door.. Gotta vishitor…" At length, she passed the twisted ball of frozen viciousness that was Rin and Kanna. She stopped, gave them a glum look.
"…Hey, you kidsh better play nishe," she muttered, passing them. Rin and Kanna untangled themselves and stuttered apologies to Kagura, who they prayed wouldn't report their mischief to Naraku. But Kagura didn't seem to notice this, for she trudged on, looking futilely about as the doorbell rang again.
"Godammit, I'm comin', I'm comin'! No need ter ring sho many damn timesh," she mumbled to no one in particular. As Kagura faded into the shadows, Kanna and Rin stared at one another.
Along with several rents in her orange-checkered kimono, Rin sported a fetching, bludgy black eye, and a swollen lip. Her unkempt hair gave her a haggish appearance, and in embarrassment she tried to flatten it down. Kanna smudged a bloody nose, knowing her bruises were going to show up rather obviously on her pale skin. Frowning down at the claw-rips in her dress, Kanna stared sheepishly at Rin.
"Well, umm…."
"Yeah…." Rin trailed off. For a moment, they just gazed somberly at one another. Then, Rin danced forward, tapping Kanna lightly on the shoulder.
"Tag! You're it!"
"Hey, no fair! I was busy wiping the blood offa my face!" whined Kanna, racing after her. Giggling the two girls pranced off into the castle, having completely forgotten their rather violent battle before.
Kagura loped toward a window. Sticking her head out, she cast drooping eyes to the ground.
"Now, I wonder who'sh here…" After a pause, the wind witch spotted a lone red and white figure waiting at the door. The figure tapped its foot impatiently, resettled the wicker of arrows at its back.
"Hey, ish Kikyo," remarked Kagura to herself in an amused tone. She swung her torso out the window, dangling her jug of sake in the air.
"Howshzit goin' Keekster?" she called, waving her fan. Kikyo glanced left and right, as if wondering where such a drunken voice came from, then looked up. Kagura grinned, seeing the dumbfounded expression on the priestess's face.
"Kikyo, hey, thought I might tell ya," she yelled, cupping her hands over her mouth, "Naraku'sh got shum shexy pin-ups of you in hish closet!" Giggling, Kagura pulled back into the window. Kikyo raised an eyebrow. Is that woman… drunk? And… what's this about pin-ups?
Stumbling over her kimono, Kagura descended to the first floor. Seeing Naraku stride by with a smug expression on his face, she waved at him with her fan.
"Oy, Naraku, Kikyo's at zuh door. Don't keep 'er waitin'," she snapped hoarsely, tipping the jug to the side of her mouth. Naraku stomped up and snatched the jug away.
"Honestly, Kagura, you'll drink yourself to your grave. Where are your manners? We have guests. And who did you say was at the door?"
"Kikyo. Yer cookin' teacher." She made vague gestures to take back the sake, but Naraku pulled away.
"Kikyo! Why didn't you say say so?" he exclaimed, throwing the jug away and rushing past. Kagura dived for the sake, catching it by the tips of her fingers.
"Kudda wasted perf'ly good sake… Shtupid Naraku…" she mumbled, leaning against a table set in the wall. As she watched him dash in the direction of the door, Kagura sat down to the makeshift bar.
"He's gonna make a fool o' 'imself… Ah well… I can just point n' laugh at him when he doesh," she sighed, slumping down into a chair. She tilted her head back and took a long draught. Plumping the jug down on the table, the servant smiled. "Thish is gonna be fun."
Kikyo sighed, brushing away the hem of pant-leg from the dusty porch. "Just where is that Naraku? If he's gonna make some sort of attempt on my life, he should at least be punctual about it."
After some time, the priestess heard the slap of sandals against wood as someone rushed up to the door. Bristling, Kikyo tightened her grip on the bow at her side. Better get ready… Who knows what he'll do…?
With a flurry, the door slid open. Naraku bounced up to her, clapping his hands.
"Kikyo! So glad you came!" he cried. He leapt forward to embrace her. Eyes wide with alarm, Kikyo jumped to the side. Stumbling, Naraku barely regained his step, and then turned to smile at her benignly. "Welcome, welcome. I'm glad to see your bright and shining face again. I take it you've accepted my offer, then?"
Heart pounding, Kikyo glanced him up and down. Wildly she wondered if he had just tried to kill her or hug her. At length, she remembered his question. Kikyo raised an eyebrow. "Offer? Oh, you mean the cooking lessons?" Really, is he still trying to cover up his devious plan with the cooking thing?
"What other offer could I be speaking of? Now, I won't have you standing out there all night, my dear. Come inside, I'll show you to the kitchen." With a flourish, he gestured to the interior. Kikyo cautiously stepped inside, passing him a confused glance as she did. Naraku closed the door after her, then walked beside her.
"What do you think of my castle, Kikyo? I recently blackmailed—I mean, persuaded Inu-Yasha's brother Sesshoumaru to assist me with the décor. These halls are rather empty, I'm afraid, but we've only gotten to one room yet."
Kikyo nodded vaguely as she gazed about, then lowered her eyes in thought. Something was very wrong here. She had noticed that from the moment Naraku had seemingly tried to give her a friendly hug.
" Umm, Naraku," she began tentatively, "were you serious, about the cooking lessons? If you have other plans on your mind," she continued, voice hardening in severity, "I'd like to know of them. Now." She whirled around to face him, planting her feet before his treading path. With practiced dexterity Kikyo nocked and arrow and aimed at his throat before he could move. Naraku frowned, cocked one eye at her.
"Now now, Kikyo. Put down your bow. Don't be so unkind as to assume my request was in jest. I'm completely sincere with you, you must understand. Besides, what other plans could I possibly have?"
"Well, err, normally you would lure me to your castle in the hopes of killing me, in order to rid yourself of Onigumo's human affection for me. On another hand, you might incarcerate me, hoping to trick Inu-Yasha into coming here," she explained, unstringing the arrow while gazing levelly at him. "Or, maybe you would fall prey to Onigumo's desires, and hope to capture me for your own sick pleasure…"
Naraku pulled a disgusted face, waved away her explanation with a hand. "That'll do, Kikyo. I won't stand to be so insulted within my own castle. Now, are you going to teach me how to cook or not?" He crossed his arms, narrowing his thin eyes in irritation. Kikyo's face went blank as a slate at this confirmed change in Naraku's attitude.
"Ummm… Well, I guess I can teach you. I know a little cooking, not much."
"Can you bake cookies?" Naraku asked excitedly.
"No, never had those at the shrine," she dismissed, a little annoyed with his demanding enthusiasm. "But I can make a really mean pancake. And pancakes feature many of the fundamental basic skills one uses in cooking, so I guess they'd do for a beginner's lesson."
"Pancakes?" repeated Naraku, a slightly sour note to his voice. "I'm not… overly fond of pancakes. How about muffins?"
"I said that pancakes were the only beginner's food I could teach you," growled Kikyo. "You don't have to like them, it just helps you to learn how to cook. Like, a stepping stone." Naraku considered, but then shook his head.
"No, no. I don't like pancakes. Really, Kikyo, I don't."
"What's the hell's wrong with pancakes?"
"I just want to cook something else today."
Kikyo scowled. What a picky bastard. Great, now he has to give me a new reason to hate him. But seeing Kikyo's venomous glare, Naraku relented. "But I suppose I'll condescend to learn the art of… pancaking."
"Alright, then, let's get it over with," snapped Kikyo, following Naraku to the kitchen.
Meanwhile, out in the backyard…
Wiping a hand across his brow, Jaken struggled vainly to keep up with his master's impatient strides.
"M'lord… Is that.. a lisp upon your tongue?" he asked incredulously. Sesshoumaru kept on walking, not even turning around as he replied to his servant.
"Yeth, sthath ith a LITHP, Jaken. I'm LITHPING. God, do you really need me thu thpell ith outh for you?" he snapped, voice taking on a sarcastic tone. "The great lord Thethoumaru, LITHPING! Now, ithn't thath justh PEACHY?"
"Err, Lord Sesshoumaru, it's not that bad," Jaken said plaintively. "Why, I could barely tell that m'lord was, erm, speaking in such a manner." But the half mortified, half amused expression on Jaken's green face said otherwise. Sesshoumaru's hair bristled.
"Don't even sthink of thrying thu comfort me! I don't need your thympathy!" he snarled, stripes becoming jagged and eye reddening with rage. "Why don't you justh SHUTH UP for once, Jaken, and leth me walk in peace? Lesth get away from here, unthil the effecths of the peach wear off…. Before anyone thakes nothice…"
"Like who? Naraku already knows, and he already got what he wanted from you," reasoned Jaken, skipping up to his master's side. "Really, Lord Sesshoumaru, there's no reason to be so snappish with me… No one will find out your secret. Not even Rin, and we'll go back for her later."
After a pause, Sesshoumaru seemed to relax. "Maybe you're right, Jaken. Sthere'sh no reason for me thu loseth my compothure over thumthing tho tsthupid. I thouldn't leth the peaches geth thu me like thith."
"See, master? It's not so bad. Why, I'll bet not a single soul will learn of secret by the end of this—"
"Silenth, Jaken," Sesshoumaru said suddenly. He snatched the demon vassal away, diving into the thicket alongside Naraku's castle. There the stood breathlessly, Sesshoumaru gazing out, Jaken staring up at him in confusion.
"Umm, m'lord, why are we—"
"Quieth! I sthcent thomeone on the wind," Sesshoumaru hissed in a whisper. Jaken blinked his round eyes.
"What did you say?"
"I sthaid, I thmell thum people coming—"
He stiffened, as Jaken began to hear voices coming toward them.
"Well, there's that bastard Naraku's castle," snapped a growly, impatient voice. It was accompanied by the crash of foliage being cut to the side by a large sword. "About fucking time we found his rat-hole."
"Lyk, OMG! it is Naraku's castle ROFL, I thohgt wed lyk never fidn it!111one," sounded a young girl's voice beside him. A frustrated sigh sounded from the other company about her.
"Kagome, do you remember that talk we had about using chatspeak in real life?" came a rather level-headed sounding voice, from a young man. Next to him, a more mature woman's voice came, "If you don't stop throwing around those strange, modern-time abbreviations, Kagome, I'll have Kirara eat your head." A concurring growl indicated that the beast Kirara would be more than happy to serve such a purpose.
"Yeah, wahtevr guys," returned the young girl's voice, a note of exasperation in its tone. "C'mon it's not like I'm spekaing l33t or somethig ya know."
"Well, you can at least check your spelling," snapped a very young boy's voice. "Your run on sentences are getting me all confused. And are we there yet?" The boy's voice had evidently a bit of a whiny tone to it.
"Would you all just shut up? I'm picking up a scent!" interrupted the impatient voice from before. To his dread, Sesshoumaru identified the voice's owner to belong to Inu-yasha.
"There's someone in the shrubbery around here… seems like a familiar smell…."
"Familiar? Could it be Naraku, or one of his cohorts?" demanded the other man's voice. There was a jangle as the group stopped in their tracks, evidently glaring about the clearing. By now Sesshoumaru and Jaken could see them through the bushes, which were rooted alongside a wide space surrounding the back of Naraku's castle. A breeze came and ruffled the green grasses in the night, as the group waited in silence.
"I can't sense a Shikon shard nearby," tentatively began Kagome, but her voice now carried an edge of seriousness to it. "But there's a strong demonic aura radiating to our left."
Sesshoumaru clamped Jaken's mouth as the toad demon struggled. Kagome was pointing directly at them. Drawing her bow, she advanced in their direction.
"brb—I mean, be right back!" she called. Sesshoumaru took a step back, but not before Kagome had thrust her head into the bush.
"YEEEEP!" she cried, jumping back. "It's S-Sesshoumaru!" Striking a stance, Kagome stretched her bow defensively, but her face was riddled with alarm.
Sesshoumaru strode out from the shrubbery. Walking past Kagome without a glance, he stopped in front of Inu-Yasha and the others. Somewhat successively, the dog demon managed to keep a composed expression, although he bit his lip, knowing a single word would betray his secret to them.
"Sesshoumaru… Just what are you doing here, near Naraku's castle?" demanded Inu-Yasha, planting his Tetsusaiga into the ground between them. "You wouldn't be allies with him, would you?" Sesshoumaru glanced at the sword, then at Inu-Yasha. Jaken burst out of the bushes behind him.
"L-Lord Sesshoumaru! Please, before you attack, listen to me!" begged the servant, throwing himself at Sesshoumaru's pointed boots. Sesshoumaru made a show of expressing impatience to the retainer, but still bent down to listen to what he had to say.
"I know how we can get through this! All you have to do is.." whispered Jaken into Sesshoumaru's ear. Staring in bewilderment, the ignored Kagome, Inu-yasha, Miroku, Sango, and Shippo watched as Sesshoumaru nodded, as if assenting with Jaken's plans. "Just don't use ANY words with s's, t's, or th's. You can say any other sounds without lisping, just not those."
"Hmm…You may be righth," murmured Sesshoumaru standing up. He caught Inu-yasha's glare and returned it, stretching out a long, white-clawed hand.
"Inu-Yasha…" he began in a menacing tone, then paused. He seemed to struggle for words, then continued, "I… will… clash… amid… weapon… you." He winced at the awkward but necessary choice of vocabulary. Kagome exchanged perplexed glances with Miroku and Sango. Inu-Yasha scratched an ear, cocking his head in confusion.
"…Okay. I guess that works. Sounds like a battle challenge to me!" Pulling Tetsusaiga out with a flurry of torn earth, he pounced forward. Hesitating slightly, Sesshoumaru unsheathed his own sword and dashed forward.
"Go Lord Sesshoumaru! You can do it!" Jaken cried, swinging his staff. But with a sigh he turned about, shaking his head. "Rest in peace, oh pride and dignity," he mumbled, knowing full well that his master would not come through the battle unscathed. Whether it be from insult or injury, Sesshoumaru was doomed.
To be continued.
Authoress's Notes: By the way, Ku-Ku-chan is my own personal nickname for Naraku. I am not a fangirl… I am NOT a fangirl… hides behind Naraku merchandise collection
I should also mention that I'm not a Kagome hater. Actually, I kind of admire her, after some of the things she does very late in the manga series. Very late, mind you. But I really do hate chatspeak, and couldn't help poking fun at it here.
And thankyou everyone once again for the reviews. I never thought so many people would enjoy this little side-project/brain-fart of mine. :)
Next up, is the long-awaited Kikyo and Naraku cooking chapter. Mmm, Bisquick.