A Day in the Life of Naraku
By Dranxis
Chapter 7: Death by Tongue Twisters
Ssscccriiinnnnggh! With a swing Inu-Yasha broke through Sesshoumaru's parry. Sesshoumaru planted the heel of his foot into the ground as he slid back. As the dust cleared, he flashed Inu-Yasha a glare, brow twitching with mild frustration.
"So, you are in cahoots with Naraku, huh? Why else would ya be here?" sneered Inu-Yasha, rebounding on his foot and plowing forwards. Shifting into a defensive stance, Sesshoumaru stepped forward and poised Toukijin horizontally. A shudder raced through the air as the ogre-fang's aura blasted in a shockwave. Inu-Yasha leapt back as the wave whipped through the grass. Sitting in a tense crouch, he observed Sesshoumaru's tight-lipped face.
"What's the matter, Sesshoumaru? Cat got yet tongue? Ya seem awfully quiet, even for you," he remarked. Another spasm of irritation crossed Sesshoumaru's face. Outside the circle of battle, Jaken clutched his staff fearfully. Lord Sesshoumaru doesn't want to risk revealing his secret! But he can't take this much more… He's gone so long without using one of his horribly clichéd battle phrases already! Oh m'lord, how much longer can you last?
Sesshoumaru stepped forward, tipping the point of his blade and pointing it directly at Inu-Yasha. "You... bathar--umm… I mean, ruffian!" he cried, hoping Inu-Yasha hadn't caught his stuttered experiment in annunciation. Briefly, a look of bewilderment set into Inu-Yasha's eyes at the hesitation in Sesshoumaru's voice. But the half-demon, who was admittedly a little slow, rankled at the "ruffian" rather than make a pointed observation.
"What'd you call me?" he snarled, cracking his knuckles with a look of murder in his eyes. Some distance away, Kagome blinked. How could her friend possibly be so oblivious to the fact that something was very wrong with Sesshoumaru? With similar expressions of curiosity, Miroku and Sango watched as Sesshoumaru took another step forward.
"Here… you… will die," Sesshoumaru continued, voice growing in confidence. A scent-laden gust of wind sent his hair flowing in a rather menacing way. "My bruthher-- I mean, thibling-- I MEAN, blood-linked-spawn-of-dad-fellow," he went on, words spilling without his control, "are dithgusth—no, revolth— you are… UGLY!"
Kagome and company stared. Sesshoumaru had called Inu-Yasha many unflattering things in the past, but he had never called him ugly before. A pang of confusion appeared on Inu-Yasha's face, and from what it looked like, the dog-boy was hurt by the comment. Bristling with fury, Inu-Yasha pounced forward.
"That's it! I won't stand and be called ugly by you!" The grasses swayed under the wind of his errant slashes. "So what if you got all o' dad's looks! I've got fangirls too, ya know!" Sesshoumaru leapt aside skillfully, a tiny smirk visible upon him for the first time. With a clean sweep of his arm, he sent the Tetsusaiga flying out of Inu-Yasha's grasp. Reverting to its normal form, the sword clattered to the ground.
"Why, Inu-Yasha, you are painful… your face, I mean!" he declared. He waited for the taunt to sink in. Instead, his brother just stopped in mid-lunge.
"Huh? My face is painful?"
"No, no… What I mean, you are painful…" but there seemed no avoiding the dreaded pronunciation now, "--thu look ath." Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "Becauthe, you are ugly and all," Sesshoumaru finished impatiently. Jaken tore his eyes away in horror. No, m'lord! Just defeat Inu-Yasha in silence! You're on the verge of letting the lisping floodgates flow!
"Look, Sesshoumaru, I don't understand what's up with you, but I won't take any more insults from the stinking mouth o' your's," Inu-Yasha growled. Swiftly he leapt back and reclaimed his Tetsusaiga. "I'll slay you with our own father's fang!" In a streak of golden light, the rusted blade transformed to a great stony one. Inu-Yasha lifted the sword above his head, feet whisking lightly off the ground as he dashed forward.
Sesshoumaru stood his ground. As Inu-Yasha came closer, a haughty look appeared in the full demon's eyes. Jaken grabbed his face in horror. It was the look Sesshoumaru wore right before delivering one of his decisive battle declarations. "Noooooooo, m'lord don't say it! Don't let that filthy half-demon fool you into—"
But it was too late. Already Sesshoumaru had struck his pose, and, caught up in the excitement of the final reckoning, was proclaiming his lisping superiority.
"Inu-Yasha, pithiful hath-breed, ith ith YOU who thall be sthlain here! Fattther'sth thooth for a sthord or noth! You sthall never be sthuperior thu me in combath! Now, I sthsall sthmite thee with my sthord, THOUKIJIN!"
A foaming torrent of spittle danced from Sesshoumaru's lips. Inu-Yasha stopped in his tracks like a caught criminal. For a moment, all that could be heard was the chirping of crickets. Then, behind him, Kagome cupped her hands and shouted:
"Hey! Inu-Yasha! What did he say?" Inu-Yasha rounded on her with an almost fearfully confused look in his eyes.
"I have no fricking clue," he said, shaking his head and staring at Sesshoumaru. The elder brother remained silent, almost crumpling with misery on the inside when he realized what he had done. After a moment, Shippo spoke up.
"Umm, I'm not sure, but I think he said something like, 'I shall fight thee with a board.'"
Miroku and Sango turned toward Sesshoumaru with wondering expressions.
"Well, no, I think he said, 'I shall strike thee with a gourd,'" Sango offered unhelpfully. Kagome, Inu-Yasha, and the others gathered in a circle amongst themselves, discussing what Sesshoumaru might have said.
"Inu-Yasha, be careful. I bet your brother plans to blight you with a Ford," Kagome warned.
"Yeah, that could be what he's up to," murmured Inu-Yasha, glancing at the frozen-with-horror Sesshoumaru suspiciously. "I wouldn't put it past that bastard to use vehicles."
"Well, if you ask me, it sounds like Sesshoumaru said, 'I shall delight thee with a cord,' Inu-Yasha," cut in Miroku with a reasonable voice. But his expression took on amusement. "Really, I'd never think your brother was gay, or one for bondage…" Such a comment earned the monk a resounding concussion from Sango.
"Aww, c'mon guys! He's obviously gonna kite Inu-Yasha with a fjord!" piped up Shippo. The group argued heatedly, completely ignoring Sesshoumaru, who stood dejectedly off. But the demon lord couldn't take their ignorance much longer.
"Silenth, you foolsth! I sthaid, I'm gonna sthmite thee with my sthord! Ith thath tho hard thu understhand?" But they blank faces told Sesshoumaru that they were not quite following him.
"Hey, Sesshoumaru… are you lisping?" Kagome asked in a polite, but amused voice. Miroku, Sango, Shippo and Inu-Yasha watched as Sesshoumaru stepped back, one brow arching fearfully.
"Umm, no, of courseth I'm not… Righth, Jaken?" He turned hopefully to his vassal. But the little toad demon was nowhere to be seen. "Uh, Jaken?" Kagome slapped a hand over her mouth as she tried to control her giggling. A slow, fang-toothed smile spread over Inu-Yasha's face.
"Hey… Sesshoumaru, can you say 'Suffering succotash?'"
"What? Thufferin' thuccotash?—hey, no fair!" Sesshoumaru wailed, completely at the mercy of his enemies. Miroku and Sango joined in the giggling, while Inu-Yasha persisted.
"How about, 'Sesshoumaru's Tenseiga?"
"Whath abouth 'Thethoumaru'sth Thentheiga?' HEY! Stop thath!" Whether from rage of deep humiliation, Sesshoumaru's face blotched a deep crimson. Now the group rolled and banged their fists in the ground with uncontrolled mirth. Curling one lip back in scorn, Sesshoumaru stepped up.
"Laugh ath me once more… And I'll sthlice you all!" he roared. But the threat only sent Kagome and company into another fit of merriment. Inu-Yasha himself was practically bowed under the power of the laughing fit, lying tauntingly before Sesshoumaru and not even bothering to protect himself. Seizing his chance, Sesshoumaru leapt forward and swung down with his Toukijin.
"Look guys, Sesshoumaru's going to sthmite me with his sthord! OH NO!" Inu-Yasha cried in mockery, dodging the blow. In vain, Sesshoumaru whirled his weapon about, blinded by his own rage. But Inu-Yasha easily whipped past the blade's swipes, returning his brother a thwack on the head with Tetsusaiga.
"C'mon, bro! Say something else! Like, Sally sells seashell by the sea shore!" As Sesshoumaru stiffened at the horribly insulting suggestion, Inu-Yasha closed in. He sent Toukijin spinning and pinned Sesshoumaru to the ground.
"Say it! You know you want to!" He leered cruelly at the prone demon dog. In the midst of her laughter, Kagome became somewhat concerned.
"Oh, (chuckle) come on, Inu-Yasha! He's had enough—(sputter) of your (snort) bullying. Let's just leave (chortle) him alone, okay?"
"Not until he says it!" Inu-Yasha snapped, clearly enjoying himself. Looking down his nose at the quivering tip of Tetsusaiga thrust in his face, Sesshoumaru had no choice.
"Thally thells theathells by…by… the… thea-thore," he growled. But as his words created another explosion of laughter, Sesshoumaru bit his lip. Inu-Yasha practically shoved Tetsusaiga's tip into one of Sesshoumaru's nostrils.
"Say it again, five times fast!"
Sesshoumaru looked as though he had just been given a death sentence.
"Thally thells theathells by the theathore… Thally thells theathells by the theathore. Thallythells theathellsbythetheathore… thally theathells thells the by thore… Thally thethore thells thells the… Theathore Thally thells…" Sesshoumaru gasped out, as though in pain. Inu-Yasha toppled backward with hilarity, and the others had been reduced to a melted pile of giddiness. Eyes venting flames, Sesshoumaru stood up, towering over his brother. But when Inu-Yasha, too busy laughing, didn't even notice the threat, Sesshoumaru knew that there was nothing he could do.
"There'sth no pointh in dealing with theseth foolsth… I mighth as well justh leave," he muttered glumly, his pride forever crushed. As he turned away, his gaze alighted upon Naraku's castle. His eyes flickered crimson, a horrible grimace overcoming his features. "Thith is all Naraku'sth faulth! I'll leave histh cathle so flat… He'll regreth ever finding outh my thecret…" Crackling with fury, the dog demon stormed away. Behind him, the traveling companions continued to laugh, doubled up as they guffawed into the night. If Inu-Yasha and his companions had not been defeated by Sesshoumaru's power, they had been overcome by his weakness.
Meanwhile, at Naraku's castle…
"And, and, and then," Kikyo stuttered, wiping a hand across her wet face, "the bashtard, he, he KILLED me!" She broke into shuddering sobs, throwing her head against Kagura's shoulder. Lowering her half-lidded eyes, Kagura patted Kikyo lightly on the back.
"There, there. Ah knew you were a tortured shoul, po' thing," she cooed, passing Kikyo another glass of saké. Raising her red, running eyes, Kikyo sniffled and took a sip.
"Ya don't know 'ow horrible, 'ow horrible it ish, to have your lover…" but the drunken, weepy priestess broke into another bawl. "Oh, Inu-Yasha! Naraku! Yer all soooo cruellllll, so cruel! All fer shum shtinkin' JEWEL! I shoulda' thrown that damn thing into the fires of hell when I could! But no, instead, all this, all this happensh!" She made a wild, vague gesture of Naraku's castle. Kagura nodded as though in deep understanding.
"Ya know, Naraku's given me hell fer all thish too. Every day, ish the shame thing: "Kagura, go do the laundry!" "Kagura, go fetch shum Shikon Shards!" "Kagura, where'd my left sock get to?" And if I don't lisshen to him, he schqueezes mah heart! Can ya believe that? My HEART! Why, just the other day, 'e made me try 'is cookies. They was so horrible…" Kikyo scowled, wiping the tears off of her red cheeks.
"Yah, that Naraku, he'sh such a lil' whoreson. I takesh care of thish, thish wounded bandit-guy, right? And ya'd think thish bandit guy would be grateful, right? Cuz' I'm going over there to that stinking cave and feeding him sop and gruel when Ah could be out having a party or shumtin', right? But noooooooo. Inshtead, he starts lushtin' after me, and calls all these demons, and makes himself into some big-ass powerful demon! And he goes and makesh Inu-yasha and I hate eachother, and then I die, and he thinks thash supposed ta' IMPRESSH me! Like, he's hittin' on me or shumtin'! So I'm all like, 'Getcher own woman, ya ugly lil monkey's asswipe!' and Naraku's all, 'What joo see in that dog-boy anyway?' and here I am, teachin' him cooking lessons, and he can't, he can't even flip a pancake.."
On and on the drunken Kikyo ranted, gesticulating wildly with each statement. She and Kagura lounged at a bar, spilling sake sloppily about as they drank, wept, and drank again. It had not been too long ago that they had been trying to disembowel one another, and yet, an odd chord had been struck between them. In many ways, they were alike one another: not quite dead yet not quite alive, both with a bone to pick with Naraku, and both, in the opinions of many fans, very bitchy sort of women. Now Kagura and Kikyo turned their discussion to lovers, their anger fueled by the effects of the sake.
"Huh, that Sesshoumaru, he callsh himshelf a lover! Why, he was just with me in the cashle, comin' to rescue me, and I runsh up to him, and he just pushes me away! I even offered to go with him to the woods and--!" She cut off her statement significantly with a gulp of sake.
"And Inu-Yasha, he'sh so gutless, wouldn't lift a finger to save me, no, not a finger," returned Kikyo. "And now, he'sh off canterwaulin' with shum reincarnation o' mine, a ditz if I ever saw one. To think, he'd pick that little wench over me!" She stared broodingly into the swirling contents of her glass. "Dog demons sure are a pain, huh, Kagura?"
"Sure are. Death an' humiliation to all the dog demonsh!" she declared, raising her glass in a toast. Kikyo returned it, and the two laughed in a crazy-drunken-kinship sort of way.
Jaken furrowed his brow at the two women as he strode huffily into the room.
"What's this about dog demons? Hmmph, the nerve of human women! Now, where's Rin gotten to?" He cast about impatiently for the young girl. I have to retrieve that girl quickly, so m'lord can escape from this chaos! But I hate to leave him with Inu-Yasha… even now, my Lord's secret might have been… But the toad shook his head at the thought. Returning to the task at hand, he searched fruitlessly about the corridors. "Rin, oh Riiiiiinnn! Get your scrawny human butt down here! The Lord's waiting on you!" When no answer came save for his own echo, Jaken went on muttering. Staring down at him from a banister above, Rin and Kanna giggled.
"Hey Rin, don't you think it's odd that Naraku doesn't have a camera, but he does have this?" Kanna whispered, lifting up a packet of something white with a smile. Rin glanced the packet over.
"Yeah, it is kinda weird… Probably from his high school days or something. So, what do you wanna do with it?" she asked with an innocent look. Kanna smiled crookedly.
"Ain't it obvious?" she giggled conspiratorially, jabbing a finger at Jaken. Rin frowned.
"No no, we can't do that to Master Jaken! He'd tattle-tell, and then I'd be in big trouble with Lord Sesshoumaru…" the girl dropped her eyes shamefully at the thought. Kanna put her hands on her hips.
"Are you chicken or somethin'? This is gonna be fun!" She waved the packet tauntingly in front of Rin's face. "C'mon, ya can just see it… Jaken, running around, screaming for mercy.." Rin turned her eyes to the ceiling, as though imagining such a scene. At first, she wore a bewildered look, but after a moment, a slow smile spread across her face.
"Yeah, that would be funny, wouldn't it?" she asked, almost to herself. Kanna smiled back, as though approving the slow corruption she was beginning to wreak on Rin's mind.
"Okay, here's the plan. You go with Bakan or whatever his name is, and I'll follow. You distract him and get him to stay still, and I'll shove some o' this down his pants." She waggled the packet and raised her eyebrow at Rin. Rin scratched her chin, glancing doubtfully at the item.
"But… won't he notice? Jaken is very, um, perceptive about that sort of thing," Rin tried to explain.
"He'll never notice until it's too late. This stuff is the real thing: chemically time-set! So he won't start dancing around until he's outta the castle. Ya dig?"
"Well, okay, let's do it," Rin smiled hesitantly, finally warming up to the idea. Grinning, Kanna pushed Rin towards the stairs.
"Just act natural, okay? I'll be tailing you guys the whole time." Casting Kanna one last look, Rin leapt down the stairs. She burst in front of Jaken, who had just rounded the corner.
"Ahh, Rin! Finally! Now come on, you little urchin, Lord Sesshoumaru is expecting us," snapped Jaken, patting Rin on the back with his staff as he ushered her out of the hall. In their wake, Kanna crept quietly, taking care to make sure her silent movements went unnoticed in the shadows.
As they left, Kohaku bounded down the stairway, staring inquiringly off at Kanna as she snuck after Jaken and Rin. Assuming that it was no business of his, Kohaku set off in the opposite direction. The demon-slayer carried his shoulders with pride, beaming as he glanced over the roll of parchment in his hands.
"At last, my masterpiece is done! The greatest poem ever writ, 'twould put Edgar Allan Po to shame, that it could," he boasted to no one in particular, sighing wistfully. His freckled face softened as he lovingly glanced the roll over. "So many hours I've slaved, ignoring all the chaos in the household just to finish it… So full of emotion, this poem could bring a tear to the eye of an ogre! Why, I think I'll dedicate it to my sister, if I can ever find her again…" But then the boy's face fell, brown eyes downcast. "But who knows where she may be? I barely recall her face… And she may be miles upon miles away from this castle!" He stared vaguely off into a wall, as though behind it laid his dear sister.
"Kohaku! There you are! Come at once, and attend to my needs," called a voice from the shadows. Kohaku would have sworn it was his master Naraku's, if the voice didn't contain such uncharacteristic anxiety and embarrassment beneath its commanding tone.
"Umm, yes, master?" timidly returned the boy, hiding the parchment within his satchel. He strode toward the direction of the voice, and came upon Naraku, who stared past the moon-washed shoji screen at the far end of the room. The demon held his face in one hand, his profile framed by disheveled hair. From what it looked like, he had spent some time in painful thought.
"Kohaku… have you ever had… trouble?" the demon asked tentatively in a low voice. Kohaku blinked, stepping forward to hear his master more clearly.
"Trouble with what, master?"
"Trouble with women," Naraku sighed, as though the answer should be obvious. Kneeling down before the dais his master sat on, Kohaku gave Naraku an inquiring look.
"Uhh, no sir, can't say I have." He scratched his head, trying not to look too unhelpful. As though he had been afraid of such a response, Naraku sighed once more, turning sharp, auburn eyes upon his slave.
"Well, I suppose I can't have expected advice from a useless, amnesiac chore-boy like you," he hissed. "However, Kohaku, there is one thing you can help me with, regardless of your experiences with women. You see, my servant, there is a women in my life, the priestess Kikyo, and I have not, shall we say, started off on the right foot with her. In fact, would I to see her now, she would most likely bludgeon me with a skillet. But I have thought long and hard, Kohaku. And I have decided to win her love, no matter the cost. You, Kohaku, must aid me in this task, in this final attempt to capture the heart of Kikyo."
Listening to this quietly-uttered tirade, Kohaku awaited his master's sentence. Naraku stood stiffly up and strode about the room, his sandals sweeping the floor with a languished air. "You will aid me in this task, Kohaku, by helping me to bake a cake. A cake so grand and magnificent, not even Kikyo's fervent hatred toward me can stand against it. This cake shall be the most powerful cake of all, conquering all that stands in my way. It shall scatter her doubts, vanquish her reason, overwhelm her mind, and melt her heart. This cake, dear Kohaku, will win me my love!" Naraku clenched his fist, a manic gleam in his eyes. Kohaku raised an eyebrow, wondering why his master should describe a cake as one would describe their ultimate weapon of destruction.
"Now, Kohaku, come with me to the kitchen. Just follow my lead and assist with the cake's making, you need not use that empty head of yours." With that, Naraku left the room, followed by a rather confused Kohaku.
"Umm, master, just why do you think this priestess, Kikyo, will love you because of a cake?" inquired Kohaku carefully. Naraku kept silent as they strode on. After a pause, he answered.
"Do you… question my skills in courtship, dear boy?" the demon growled. Kohaku gulped at the sudden dangerous tone, stuttering apologies for slighting his master's abilities. Naraku smirked, holding his head a bit higher. "That's right, Kohaku. No one can woo a woman like I, Naraku." It seemed as though with that proclamation, Naraku had forgotten that he had just been very violently rejected by "his woman."
As they made their way through the castle, Kohaku kept silent. In his thoughts, the boy failed to notice that his parchment was half-hanging out of his satchel. With nary a rustle it dropped to the floor and rolled off, and Kohaku walked on, blissfully unaware. Now, Naraku turned a corner, and came upon the kitchen.
Wordlessly the lord set to finding ingredients. He licked his forefinger and turned the page of a musty old cookbook, flipping to find "Huguenot Torte Ozark Pudding Cake."
"Why, look at this, Kohaku! A most scrumptious looking cake. From South Carolina, even!" he exclaimed, goggling the torte's apple-nut texture. "Surely this is the most powerful cake in existence." Kohaku glanced doubtfully down at the page.
"Chopped nuts, cream, peeled apples… Do we have any of that here, sir?" Naraku's beaming face darkened into a frown.
"No, Kohaku, we don't. However, we do have this." Opening a small pantry across the kictchen, Naraku dragged out an enormous barrel. "Yeast!"
"…Yeast?"
"Of course. Yeast. You know. That microorganism gunk that makes bread rise in the oven."
"Oh, that," Kohaku said, though his expression remained confused. "Why do we need a barrel of it?" Naraku ran a hand through the tangled waves of his hair, rolling his eyes.
"Foolish boy, how can you expect to make the most powerful cake in existence without it?" he snapped, taking out an enormous baking pan. Without any hesitation, Naraku upended the barrel and let the yeast ooze itself out. When the yeast had been expended, he cast the barrel aside, and barked orders for Kohaku to read the next ingredient.
"The recipe says… one egg."
Naraku dumped every last egg from his fridge into the pan, shells and all. "Next?"
"Two tablespoons of flour. And ¾ cup of sugar."
Naraku flung several whole bags of flour into the pan, accompanying it with a bag of raisins as substitute for sugar. When Kohaku named peeled apples, Naraku rummaged in the cupboards for some. Finding none, the now exasperated lord threw a sack of potatoes in as a replacement.
"One teaspoon vanilla… And whipped cream, and a touch of rum, if desired."
"Hmm, no vanilla, no whipped cream… But we do have rum!" proclaimed Naraku triumphantly, as he poured rum by the gallon into the mixture. The four-foot pan now bubbled with nearly radioactive potency, a volcanic upheaval of doughy flour, potato sacks, eggshells, and puddles of rum. As Kohaku, speechless lest he offend his maniacal master, observed with fearful eyes, Naraku shoved the overflowing pan into a large, sooty black oven. With an effort, the half-demon slammed the door shut. Little flaps of dough poked out around the corners.
"How long does it say to cook for?" Kohaku replied that thirty minutes should be sufficient. Naraku scratched his head, staring with a critical eye at the bursting oven.
"For the most powerful cake… I would say, one hour shall do," he decided, switching the time dial with a smile. The oven began to hum, ominous red flames licking around the cake's gruesome black shadow. Kohaku's eyes started out of their skulls. Is my master trying to create a monster?
To be continued.
Authoress's Notes: Sorry for the lateness, as well as the overall suckiness, of this chapter. But really, it's just set-up for the events of the finale, which should be the next chapter. Hence the lack of original jokes. Anyway, I hope to end the fic soon, and hopefully with a bang, before it starts to lose its touch. :)