Chapter 4: Go Forth to Deepwood!

"Ezlo, do something!" Link hissed.

"Umm, right!" Ezlo said. Looking at the Minish, he cried, "KILL THE BOY! SPARE MY LIFE! PLEASE! I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND! AND PLUS, THE CHILD SCREAMS BETTER!"

"DIRTY FUCKIN' BASTARD!" Link screeched.

"YOU SEE?" Ezlo yelled.

A new voice said something in Minish. All the Minish people put down their weapons and turned to face the speaker.

He was an elderly Minish, and said he to Link and Ezlo, "Travelers, what brings you here? I sure hope you have a good reason. If not, we'll have to kill you."

After recovering from the shock and relief of seeing an English speaking Minish, Link and Ezlo hurriedly explained the mission.

The elderly Minish scratched his chin and appeared to be thinking.

Finally, he said, "Hmm...well, I guess that's a good enough reason... But hardly, mind you; you're lucky. By the way, my name is Festari. Anyway, to complete your quest, you'll probably need to be able to speak our native language. But in order to do that, you'll need this." Festari pulled out some type of nut that sort of looked like a Tamogotchi. It's beak-like mouth opened and closed.

"Here, boy, eat this." Festari tossed the nut at Link, who caught it.

"Umm, this thing's moving, I really don't want to eat it..." Link said.

"But you must!" insisted Ezlo.

"Why don't YOU eat it you sack of shit?" Link snapped at his hat.

"TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT!" Ezlo screeched.

"Just eat the damn nut!" Festari said frustratedly.

"No, it's disgusting!" Link complained.

"EAT IT, BOY!" Festari snarled.

"NO, IT'S MOVING! I ONLY EAT THINGS THAT ARE DEAD!"

Festari said something in Minish, and all the little creatures picked up their weapons once more. At this, Link stuffed the nut down his throat hurriedly.

"Is it working?" one Minish asked.

"Gee, ya THINK?" Link snapped at it.

The Minish cheered.

"Hot shit, dude! It works! NOW we can kill you!" they cried, pointing their weapons at Link and Ezlo.

"STOP IT! I'M ON A MISSION!" Link screamed, and explained his and Ezlo's quest to the Minish.

"Now," said Ezlo, "Can someone tell us what we have to do to get this here Picori Blade reforged?"

Festari replied, "Oh, you need to talk to the Minish Elder about that."

"The who?" Link asked.

"The Minish Elder. He lives in that house right over there. Just follow the yellow brick road," said Festari.

"Er...did you just tell me to follow the yellow brick road? Like in The Wizard of Oz?"

Festari's eyes glowed red, and in a demonic voice, he bellowed, "YES...NOW...GO FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, YOU FUCK!"

Link jumped nearly 10 feet in the air, and, recovering quickly, he followed the yellow brick road and eventually came to the Minish Elder's house. Our hero (With Ezlo in tow) entered.

"Um...Minish Elder? Could you tell us how we can get the Picori Blade reforged?" Ezlo asked timidly.

The Minish Elder stepped out of one of the rooms, walking drunkly and waving a bottle of vodka around. Oh, and he was naked, too.

"Didja...hic...need me?" he slurred.

Link stared.

"Yes, sir, we need to know where we can get this Picori Blade reforged," Ezlo said a bit louder.

"Hic...what the fuck you talkin' 'bout, you shit? I don't know...hic...what the hell a Picori is, or a...hic...blade... An'...hic...I 'unno what this 'reforgin'' shit is either...hic... But...hic...'ay Shadow, think you might know what this purdy lil' lady is...hic...meanin' ta say?"

Shadow Link fell out of a nearby closet. He too was naked and drunk, only Shadow had Minish Elder sperm on his face, and we all know what that meant.

Link's eyes widened.

"What the hell are you doing here, Shadow? You're not supposed to be here! This isn't your story, dammit!"

Shadow sat up.

"Hic...it's not?" he said stupidly.

"No, it's not," Link replied.

"Oh...well, hic...you wanna know 'bout reforgin' the Picori blade, right...hic?" Shadow slurred.

"Well, yeah, but you're not the one who should be telling us!" Ezlo said.

"SHUT UP...HIC! I'm just as smart as 'at sexy Minish Elder guy, and hic...I know the...answer..."

Link sighed and said, "Ok, fine... Tell us what you know."

"I 'unno, you...hic...weren't that nice to me, an' I...hic...don't associate with boobs, you boob..."

"Look, just tell me before I rip your balls off!" Link said irritably.

"Ok...hic...I'll tell ya..." Shadow replied.

There was a moment of silence before Ezlo irritably snapped, "Well!"

"...I don't remember..." Shadow said.

Link clenched his fists and prepared to kill Shadow, but then stopped. He would just wait for the apocolypse to kill Shadow. The apocolypse would kill everyone, after all. Link smiled at the thought.

"Hic...Shadow, sweety, you...hic...don't remember that you should tell them to hic...find the 4 elements and...hic...take the broken blade to that Melari guy in the mountains so he can...hiccup...reforge it? And...hic...that the first element is...hic...really close by?" said the Minish Elder.

Shadow laughed stupidly.

"Oh...hic...yeah! 'At's right...!"

Link rolled his eyes.

"Ok, where exactly IS this first element?" asked Ezlo.

"I's this way...hic..." sputtered the Minish Elder, leading Link and Ezlo to the path.

"Just...hic...keep followin' the path 'till ya...hic...find Deepwood Shrine..." and with that, the Minish Elder passed out.

Link and Ezlo followed the directions and made their way down the path until they reached Deepwood Shrine. Following their best instinct, the dynamic duo entered.

"This is a temple, so it seems. We'll need to complete it in order to gain the element that rests here. AND STAND UP STRAIGHT! NO SLOUCHING!" said Ezlo.

"Well..." Link sighed, "Let's do this... But -- what's that?"

Footsteps were heard...