Regrets

By Bernadeen

Chapter 4

0110 Saturday
Mac's apartment
Georgetown

Mac had been restless all evening. Something was nagging at her, like a dark cloud lurking just at the edge of her vision. Her skin felt like small electric charges tingled across her arms from time to time. The skin on the back of her neck prickled as though the hair was trying to stand up It was most unsettling. She had never experienced anything quite like it before and it was beginning to worry her. Was it something physical .. was she about to have a heart attack? That was silly .. she was too young and she was healthy .. in great shape .. but then what was it?

She couldn't seem to settle down and when bedtime came and passed by, she didn't even think about trying to sleep. When her phone range at 0130 she suddenly knew this was what she was waiting for and it wasn't anything good.

She answered after the first ring and heard her CO's voice.

"Colonel, I'm sorry to disturb you so late. I'm at Bethesda. There's been a shooting. Commander Rabb. It's not good. You should come. I'll wait for you but then I need to go get Mattie." AJ's clipped sentences betrayed his worry and emotional stress.

Mac closed her eyes as her chest felt like it had taken a body slam. Harm.. she should have known her foreboding involved him. She forced herself to think clearly. Time enough for emotions later. "Admiral, I can pick up Mattie. Does she know anything?"

"I called Coates a couple of hours ago before I knew anything except that he was in surgery. Mattie is staying at a friend's tonight. You'll have to get the address from Coates."

"I'll take care of it, Admiral." Mac quickly dialed Jennifer Coates number. She answered on the first ring, clearly she hadn't been sleeping either.

"Jen, it's Mac. You know about Harm. The Admiral said it's not good and wants Mattie to come to the hospital. It might help Mattie if you're with her. What's the address of her friend?"

"Ma'am, she's not far from here and I can pick her up and take her to the hospital, if that's okay. I'll call her friend's parents and tell them I need to come get her."

"If you're sure, Jen. Is it safe in that neighborhood this time of night?"

"Her friend is close but in a better part of town and I have my pepperspray. I'll be fine. We'll be at the hospital soon."

Jen called and woke Mattie's friend's parents and briefly told them that she would be picking up Mattie because her guardian had been involved in an accident. When Jen arrived a short while later, Mattie was waiting, pale and shaky. It was too soon after losing her mother and she was scared. Jen wrapped her in a tight hug. "Mattie, I know you're scared and I don't know much, but the Admiral is at the hospital and Mac is on her way. We'll find out more when we get there."

After talking with Coates, Mac grabbed her coat and keys and set out for the hospital. With very little traffic, the trip to Bethesda was made quickly. Mac took the elevator to ICU, assuming that's where she would find Harm. She looked toward the waiting room and saw AJ coming toward her.

"Mac, where's Mattie?"

"Jennifer said she wasn't far from her and offered to pick her up. They've gotten pretty close, I think, so I thought it would be better than my doing it… how is he?"

AJ's shoulders slumped slightly. "It doesn't look good. The doctor said if he makes it 24 hours, he has a pretty good chance, but frankly, I don't think the doctor is very optimistic. He took a bullet to the chest. Collapsed lung, nicked artery, lots of blood loss. They're worried about more internal bleeding, blood clots, and pneumonia. The doctor said he probably can't withstand any more surgery."

Mac suddenly felt darkness closing in and had to sit down because she was afraid she would faint. Disgusted with herself for such a sign of weakness, she tried to apologize. "Admiral, I'm sorry. I'm not usually this …"

"Mac, don't worry about it. I know how close you used to be .. and I know how all of it comes back when someone you care about is injured." He sat down beside her and for just a moment put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "The doctor said that he can have one visitor for a short time in ICU. Even though Harm isn't expected to regain consciousness for several hours, the doctor said sometimes a patient responds to someone he cares about talking to him. You and Mattie are closest to him. That's why I called both of you."

Mac's head came up with new determination. "Can I see him now?"

Harm was still being settled into ICU from the recovery room and his vitals monitored closely. About a half hour later a nurse came to take Mac into ICU. Mac braced herself for what she would see. In spite of all the dangerous situations Harm had been in over the years, the only time she had seen him in the hospital was after his plane went down in the Atlantic on the eve of her wedding, and that had been four days later. He had looked pretty good by then.

The nurse indicated which bed, told her only ten minutes, and backed away to give them privacy. Mac cautiously moved closer. Harm's big body filled the bed, yet looked sadly frail. He was so still and pale. Wires and tubes attached him to various monitors, bags and machines.

Ignoring the fist that seemed to squeeze her heart and lungs, she stepped forward and carefully slid her hand around his fingers and gently squeezed. His hand was cool, but definitely reassured her that it contained life. She leaned closer and gently brushed his forehead and cheek with her other hand. "Hi, flyboy," she said softly, using the fond nickname she had used in happier times. Suddenly she couldn't keep the mask in place any longer. "Harm .. Harm, don't leave me," she whispered desperately. "I need your friendship. Give us a chance to be friends again. You said once that what you want most is never to lose me .. well that goes both ways. What I want most is never to lose you. Don't give up, Harm. You hear me. Don't you dare give up and leave me."

Even though she knew he couldn't hear her or feel her touch, she felt compelled to brush her fingers across his cheek and brow again. Her touch lingered and his skin seemed to grow warmer under her caress. She knew it was her imagination, but she felt like her life was flowing into him. She tried to imagine her strength joining with his and bringing him back to her. She continued to talk to him, touch him, and hold his hand until the nurse returned to say she had to leave.

Mac walked back into the waiting room looking pale and shaken. AJ had never seen her so upset. He led her to a chair and sat beside her. Mac looked at him, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. "He looks so frail, Admiral. I'm afraid we're going to lose him."

AJ put a strong arm around her shoulders and gave her a quick, hard hug. "Every minute he's alive, there's hope, Colonel."

Mattie and Jen arrived a few minutes later. AJ explained the situation to them and asked whether Mattie felt up to seeing him for a few minutes. She looked toward Mac who had been in there. Her eyes asked how bad it was.

Mac reached over to take Mattie's hand. "I won't sugar coat it, Mattie. He is very ill. It's a bit frightening to be in there. But all of the equipment is to help him get better and he's holding his own. The doctor said sometimes it helps a patient to hear someone who is close to them, even if it doesn't seem like he's aware of you. But it's up to you. If you want to wait until he's better before you see him, that's okay, too."

Mattie drew her hair back with a shaky hand. "I need to see him. I didn't have a chance with my Mom and I can't risk …"

Mac squeezed her hand. "Okay, I'll let the nurse know."

A routine was established that Harm could have one visitor for ten minutes once each hour. When the next time came around, Mattie stood up, drew a strengthening breath, and followed the nurse. She returned 15 minutes later, sat down next to Mac and they put their arms around each other for comfort. Finally, Mattie drew back. "He doesn't look so bad, you know." She clearly was trying to convince herself, but Mac wasn't about to dispute the statement.

Mac spent another ten minutes with Harm in the next hour. She didn't know whether it was her fervent hope or whether it was real, but she thought he looked better.

Bud and Harriett arrived before dawn, as soon as they could get someone to stay with their boys. At first the nursing staff wouldn't allow Bud to visit Harm, but Bud told them that Harm had been there to encourage him when he had been seriously wounded. He needed to offer the same encouragement to Harm. When the next time for visiting came around, Bud took his turn.

The doctor stopped by an hour later after checking on Harm. He was much more encouraging than he had been last night. Harm's vital signs were stable or improving. His color was better and he seemed to be coming closer to awaking. He cautioned the group that if Harm should wake while one of them was with him, they should immediately press the call button and do everything they could to keep him calm until the nurse arrived.

Mac and Mattie had taken most of the turns to visit Harm, but also had managed to get a nap in one of the more comfortable padded benches along the wall of the waiting room, wrapped in each other's arms for strength and comfort.

End Chapter 4