Regrets

By Bernadeen

A/N: Thanks to all of you who have written reviews. It's very encouraging for a newwriter and I appreciate your taking the time to say a few words. Now for the next chapter...

Chapter 5

Saturday1400
National Naval Medical Center
Bethesda

It was mid-afternoon. AJ had brought sandwiches from the cafeteria just after noon, but most of those on the vigil ate little. It was Mac's turn to see Harm again. This time she was sure he looked better. He was definitely less pale and somehow he seemed more alive. As she had each of the other times, she slipped her hand around his fingers and squeezed gently. Her heart leaped when this time she felt a weak movement against her hand. With her other hand she caressed his face and spoke to him. "Harm, come back to me. Harm, it's Mac. I'm here and I always will be, if you want me. A lot of people care about you and you need to get better for them … and for me. I love you, Harm. And I'll say it again when you wake up." Though she continued to talk to him and touch him, to her disappointment, he didn't wake. Twice more she felt a twitch from his fingers she was holding, but that was all. When the nurse came to say her time was up, Mac told her about his fingers moving. The nurse smiled and noted it on her chart.

Mac was smiling when she went back to the waiting room. Mattie rushed up to her demanding to know whether he was awake. "No, but his fingers twitched three separate times, after I squeezed his hand." This news lightened the mood the entire group.

Over the next few hours, Bud and Harriett each took a turn, then went home to their children. AJ finally took a turn. Mattie was just leaving Harm's bedside when the doctor came in. Mattie hesitated and the doctor smiled, "I'll just check him over and then I'll be out to give you an update."

A few minutes later Dr. Donovan told the group he was cautiously optimistic. Harm's vital signs were constantly improving. The doctor expected him to wake up any time. While he was unconscious, Harm was still on a respirator, but after he was awake, the doctor was hopeful that the tube could be removed. "We're approaching 24 hours, and that's usually the critical time period. I'll check back in a few hours."

A little while later it was Mac's turn again. This time she was looking forward to seeing him. It had been several hours since her last turn, and she was hopeful that he would awake for her. Following her usual routine, she took his hand and began talking. Almost immediately she felt his hand move. She laid her hand on his cheek and felt his head move slightly into her touch. She continued to say his name and encourage him to open his eyes. Finally, his lids flickered. After several tries, his eyes opened and looked upward unfocused. "Harm, I'm so glad to see you awake. You gave us quite a scare. But you're on the mend now."

Mac watched as his beautiful eyes began to focus on his surroundings, then slid toward her. She could see the recognition and the fear and the pain. "It's all right, Harm. You're going to be all right. Just stay calm. You're in good hands. You're at Bethesda." She continued in a calm, reassuring voice while she pressed the call button. He seemed to relax at her words and his lids drifted shut.

A minute later the nurse arrived. Mac told her that Harm had opened his eyes and seemed to recognize her. Still, they couldn't completely rouse him again, though his eyelids fluttered when Mac called his name. The nurse checked him over and said it appeared he had drifted into a deep sleep rather than unconsciousness. A very good sign.

An hour later the doctor came by. "Colonel, since you seem to have success with waking him up, why don't we see if you can do it again." Mac and Dr. Donovan entered the ICU and stood on each side of Harm's bed. Mac took his hand, squeezed it, and called his name. Almost immediately, his hand gripped hers with surprising strength and his eyes opened. He tried to talk and she saw the flash of fear when he didn't understand why he couldn't. The doctor quickly explained that he was on a respirator, but that now he was awake it could be removed. The doctor explained the procedure and told Harm that since his wound was in his chest, removing the tube would be painful. Harm held Mac's hand tightly and nodded to the doctor.

As the tube slid out, Harm groaned in pain and coughed, only making his chest hurt worse. The doctor quickly gave him a sip of water, then another sip of something to sooth his throat. "Even though you can, don't try to talk for awhile. And you need to stay calm and don't try to move. You're doing very well considering how close you were to not being here. If you continue to improve, we'll be getting you up in a couple of days. I'll let the colonel stay for a few more minutes, then you need to rest."

After the doctor left, Mac laid her hand along Harm's cheek and caressed him lovingly. She couldn't help it; she had to touch him. She had come so close to losing him and needed reassurance that he was really coming back to her. "Do you remember what happened?" she asked softly.

Harm's eyes showed confusion and before he could try to speak, she went on, "You were shot in a convenience store robbery. We almost lost you but you're on the way back now." She smiled softly, "What am I going to do with you, Flyboy? You're adding gray hairs to my head and subtracting years from my life with your… adventures. And I know, this wasn't your fault, at all. Just being in the wrong place at the wrong time." She saw his expression soften, his eyes caressing her face. There was still some puzzlement in his expression, but he clearly liked to have her close and affectionate. "They're going to kick me out of here in a minute and you need to get some rest. I'll be back later, okay?" On impulse, she bent down and placed a quick soft kiss on his lips. With a final caress along his cheek and a squeeze of his hand, she turned and left the room.

This time she was actually grinning when she got back to the waiting room. "He's awake and off the respirator." She announced. AJ, Mattie and Coates hugged her and each other in turn. "The doctor said he needs to rest, keep very calm and quiet for a couple days, then they'll start to get him up if he keeps on improving." She looked at the tired but relieved group. "Why don't you all go home and get some rest. I'm sure they won't let us visit tonight. He needs his sleep, too. You can come tomorrow morning."

"And what about you, Colonel? You've been here as long as the rest of us." The Admiral pointed out.

"I'm just going to talk to the nursing staff about visiting hours and to be sure they call me if Harm needs me. I'll call Bud and Harriett to let them know he's better. Maybe I can see him again for a few minutes, then I'll head home, too. I promise."

AJ smiled at how completely Mac had taken charge of Harm's care and how proprietary she sounded. Finally, he decided, she has realized how important Harm is to her after almost losing him. Why she didn't figure that out after he almost drowned in the Atlantic, he would never know. Hard-headed Marine, AJ thought affectionately.

After the others left, Mac called Bud and Harriett with the good news. Then she was told that Harm was resting comfortably and she wouldn't be allowed to see him again tonight. She left all her phone numbers and ordered that she be called if Harm asked for her.

Finally at home, Mac sat down on her couch to let her mind and body unwind. In the last 24 hours she had almost lost Harm forever and realized what an enormous hole that would leave in her life. She knew it when he went down in the Atlantic, but somehow she had lost sight of that feeling. It wouldn't happen again. Short of Harm telling her straight to her face that he didn't love her and didn't want her, she would never leave him again. She might be a stubborn Marine but she wasn't completely stupid. And because she was a stubborn Marine, once she made up her mind about something, she saw it through to the end. That was her downfall in her past relationships with men. She stayed true to the wrong ones and let the right one go. Why was that? She didn't know whether she would ever figure that out, but she was convinced she was on the right track now.

She was exhausted and didn't want to fall asleep on her couch. She took a quick shower but didn't have the energy to make anything to eat. Instead she dropped off to sleep almost immediately.

End Chapter 5