Regrets

By Bernadeen

Chapter 6

Saturday morning
National Navy Medical Center
Bethesda

Harm very slowly became aware of a voice. Her voice. But where was she? It was almost like when he was underwater .. drowning. Yet this water was calm, warm, welcoming. He drifted in it and let himself slip deeper…

Again Harm was vaguely aware of a voice. A different voice this time. Another woman .. no, a young girl .. he should know who it was but he couldn't quite remember .. and there was pain … and the water was warm and welcoming and he let himself slip away...

A man's voice pulling him up out of the warm, calming water .. telling him not to give up … to fight to live … but the pain … and the water was so sweet and he slipped away …

From time to time there were other voices. He didn't even try to work out how often he heard them. Mostly he couldn't understand what they were saying, but all were soothing, quietly persuasive.

And then it was her voice again. In spite of the warm soothing water drawing him down and in spite of the pain he found as it tried to move toward the voice, he knew he had to go to her. He tried to reach out to her. The side of his face felt warm .. something caressed his cheek with a touch that felt like love and he tried to turn toward it. She was close to him, telling him to wake up, to come to her, not to leave her. Finally, he knew his eyes were open because he could see light but nothing else. He couldn't focus his eyes and began to be afraid that his vision was gone. Then she spoke again and his eyes looked toward her voice … and he saw her. Blurred at first but then clearer .. she looked so beautiful … but he was so tired he couldn't stay awake. It wasn't the warm water calling him back, just a massive tiredness that he couldn't resist…

Her voice brought him awake. He had been dreaming .. hell, maybe all of this was a dream .. he wasn't sure of anything .. everything was so unreal. Voices sounded like they were muffled and his eyes didn't want to open. But open them he did and there she was. There was someone else, too. Harm was able to focus on what they were saying better than he expected. The man was a doctor and he said he was doing better. Harm tried to remember what happened but he couldn't think .. he could only feel .. pleased that Mac was so close and so affectionate .. and feel the pain in his throat and chest.

The doctor was talking about that and he had to pay attention. He was on a respirator and there was a tube in his throat .. that's why he couldn't talk. And the doctor said it would be painful to remove it, but Harm hated the feel of it. He felt Mac's hand holding his and he hung on to her. He hoped the doctor understood that he wanted him to go ahead and remove the tube. Yup, he did because he was instructing Harm on what to do. God .. the pain when he pulled it out .. his chest was on fire. Whatever the doctor gave him to sip on really helped his throat. His chest still burned, though.

He listened to Mac talk. She said something about a robbery and he had been shot. He couldn't take in all the words because he was enjoying her affectionate touching. She was still holding his hand and caressing his cheek and forehead. He never wanted her to stop. Then she leaned closer and said she had to leave. And then she kissed him. He was almost asleep by the time she walked out the door, but the feeling of Sarah Mackenzie holding his hand and caressing his face was more wonderful than the warm comfortable water that he hadn't wanted to leave.

0900 Sunday
National Navy Medical Center
Bethesda

Sarah Mackenzie walked onto the ICU floor, anxious to see Harm and confirm that he was improving. There had been no calls during the night .. in this case no news was good news. The nurse told her that Harm had had a good night and had been awake earlier. He still had a lot of pain and the morphine drip helped him rest more comfortably. The doctor had been in just a short time ago and expected Harm to be moved to a regular room on Monday morning unless he developed complications.

A few minutes later Mac was allowed to go into the ICU. A few steps away from his bedside, she stopped just to look at him. Yes, he did look better. His color was more normal. His breathing seemed slow but strong and the heart monitor confirmed a steady beat. She moved forward quietly and slipped her hand in his as she had so often the night and day before.

At her touch, Harm jerked slightly from surprise and then answered her squeeze with a strong grip of his own. His eyes opened and she was overjoyed to see the old Harm. The humor and affection was there as he looked at her, along with lingering pain. "Hey, Flyboy. You're looking better."

"Yeah, I guess I'm better but I don't remember the worse part, apparently."

"You were shot in a convenience store robbery. We almost lost you." Mac answered as calmly as she could.

Harm shook his head slightly. "The last thing I remember is being in the office after coming back from California. I worked late Friday because Mattie …" he suddenly remembered his ward and that she had been alone. Slightly panicked, he asked, "How long since Friday? Where's Mattie? She needs …"

Mac laid a calming hand on his arm. "Harm, it's okay. She's okay. She and Jen were here yesterday until you woke up, then I sent everyone home to get some sleep. I'm sure they'll be back today." He looked so worried that she couldn't resist gently running her fingers down his cheek. "You need to stay calm, doctor's orders."

Harm was confused. He looked into her eyes and saw .. something that looked like love .. certainly strong affection. "Mac .. have I forgotten something important? You and me? We seem .. closer than I remember?"

'I wish we could forget the entire last year,' Mac thought. "You haven't forgotten, Harm. You .. you're important to me. If you weren't around, who would I argue with?" she said with a tender smile.

"I'm glad you're here," he said quietly and held her hand tighter. After a quiet moment of comfort, Harm asked, "What's my prognosis?"

"You're in ICU but they'll probably move you to a regular room tomorrow. I haven't talked with the doctor about recovery time. You were shot in the chest and lost a lot of blood, had a collapsed lung, and the bullet nicked an artery. I'm sure they'll make you take it easy until there's no chance of tearing the repair to the artery."

Harm sighed with resignation. "Yeah, I'm sure you're right… How's Mattie taking this?"

"She was pretty scared, but she held up very well. I'm sure she'll be here soon to see you."

Harm was looking very tired so Mac soon said goodbye, promising to return later in the day.

In the hospital lobby, Mac made phone calls to update everyone on Harm's condition. She told them he seemed to tire easily and probably could only have short visits. It was likely that on Monday he would be moved to a regular room and could have more visitors.

Mac was restless and didn't want to go home. She was still catching up on work that had piled up while she was in California, and decided to focus her energy on that. She spent several hours at JAG HQ, making good progress. She couldn't afford to get behind. She, and everyone, would be carrying a heavier load now that Harm would be out for some unknown time.

Finally, at mid-afternoon, she left the office and drove back to Bethesda. A short visit and then she'd head home to take care of a few chores there before another work week began.

When she reached the ICU, she checked in with the nurse at the desk. She was told that Harm was doing well and wouldn't need to be in ICU much longer. He had had a couple of visitors during the day but the visits were kept very short. The nurse warned Mac not to stay long because he needed to rest.

As she had so many times since early Saturday morning, Mac approached Harm's bed in ICU. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Just as she was about to step forward and reach for his hand, something made her hesitate. The old uncertainty returned. What if she showed her feelings too openly? What if Harm only cared for her as a friend? She remembered the pain and humiliation on the ferry in Sydney Harbor when she believed Harm had rejected her attempt to move beyond friendship. She never wanted to experience anything like that again. They could be friends .. good friends .. and that would be enough.

She moved forward and brushed her fingers over the back of his hand while softly calling his name. When he opened his eyes, she stepped back and broke the physical contact. Harm smiled at her with almost his usual wattage.

"How are you feeling?"

Harm's smile faded a bit. "Tired, sore, weak, confined."

Mac grinned. Harm was a man of action and being confined to a hospital bed would make him a really bad patient. She didn't envy the nurses when he began to feel good enough to want to go home. She nodded sympathetically. "Can I get you anything?"

"A miracle cure?"

"Sorry, I don't have one in my pocket. I wish I did," she added a bit wistfully.

Harm smiled weakly and raised his hand toward her. There was a feebleness about the gesture that tore at Mac's heart. In an instant she realized that protecting herself from hurt was unimportant compared to Harm's recovery. She stepped forward, slipped her hand into his, and squeezed reassuringly.

He returned the pressure and said, "This is almost as good as a miracle cure." Harm tiredly rested his head back against the pillow. As Mac was about to say she should leave and let him rest, he continued, "You know you saved me, don't you? Again."

"What do you mean?"

"I was in this warm, comfortable place and I wanted to stay there, but I heard your voice. You sounded so insistent that I shouldn't leave you. I'm not sure I heard the words exactly, but your tone .. the way you sounded .. it was so .. compelling to me. I had to do as you asked." As if realizing the moment had become very intense, he grinned, and added, "I always do what you tell me, don't I?"

"Not even close," Mac grinned as she followed his lead away from more intense revelations. "I should leave so you can rest. Are you able to rest? Is there much pain?"

"It's bearable, especially as long as they let me keep this self-medicating pain killer."

"Well, it's regulated so you can't give yourself too much, but don't try to be a tough guy and go without. You know your body heals quicker when pain is under control."

"Yes, Mother," Harm cheekily responded to Mac's instructions.

With a laugh, Mac told him she really needed to leave before the nurse threw her out. Impulsively, she leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Harm's lips. Before he could recover from his surprise, she whispered, "See you later, Flyboy," and quickly left the room, leaving Harm with a surprised, delighted smile on his face.

End Chapter 6