A/N: Chapter three up! By the way, I've changed the fic's rating to 'M', 'cuz of all the swearing and such, just to be safe. Also, you guys are too kind with your reviews. I couldn't help myself but to reply to some of them, so…

Ninjoc: Hey, don't we all love weird shit! It rocks our world:)

Cymoril Avalon: When Claire said 'gay', she was referring to Leon, not Steve. All for the purpose of humour, I suppose! As for Solid Leon…I have no bigger passion than combining my two favourite games, you'll have to excuse me ;.

Rezie: Sorry, I am a random kind of girl:P

Fionara: There's a funny story behind that, actually…I was drafting this over a friends place, and his sister annoyed us with her Crazy Frog tune, so hey. At least it's better than Sweetie the Chick. (Takes out TMP and blows the shit out of Sweetie)

Lady-Ithil: Yup, one of the best lines in Resi 4!

Nicola-235: How could you be running around if you've bust a rib? XD Thanks for the praises!

Ataru-13: Hey, so someone did check out my FF post in the guild! Thanks for checking my fic out, anyway!

Disclaimer Time!
I don't own Resi, blah blah. It belongs to Capcom. I do own this parody. 'Tis mine. My precious…

Chapter 3- The One With The Village
(IMPORTANT NOTE! I, as a fan girl, don't think Leon is gay. It's just that the make-up remark led to my friend's and mine untimely death by laughter, so I had to write it! So, fellow Leon fan girls, please don't come to my front door with pitchforks ready to slaughter me.)

The villagers looked up as something flew out the window.

'It's a bird!'

'It's a plane!'

'No, it's… the American agent!'

'What agent?'

'You know, the one who's on the front of the game box.'

'You can breach the forth wall?'

'Yeah, the author has decided to give everybody special powers. She likes to be random.'

'Righhhtttt….'

'Anyway, KILL THE AGENT!'

And so as Leon jumped out the window, the ganados gathered around, raising axes, pitchforks, knives, hammers, lampshades, and donuts.

A few minuets later, Leon left the yard, covered in blood, yellow crap, and cream.

Leon proceeded to the village, and cried when he saw a dog with its leg caught in a beartrap.'Oh, you poor little thing!' he sobbed, and
released its leg.

The dog limped away, and to Leon's surprise, didn't leave any money, or rations, or whatever they leave in games.

'Ungrateful mutt.'

He continued on, and saw some ganados by a bridge. They hadn't seen him yet, so Leon decided to have some fun. He hid behind a nearby tree.

'Run in fearrrr…FOR I AM THE TROLL UNDER THE BRIDGE!'

'Who said that?'

'Let's go warn the others!'

'Shit,' said Leon. 'Now there's going to be more donut throwers!' Right, so axes and knives don't scare him, but cream-filled pastry does.

He had nearly reached the gates to the village, and decided to raid the last hut. He limped in (the idiot got caught in the bear traps) and pissed his pants when he saw a female body pinned by the head to the wall with a pitchfork. He thought it looked very much like Ashley, so he took out her picture and started to compare them. He spent ages looking at the body and the picture, and he finally decided.

'Can't be Ashley, this woman's too cute.'

'You said it!' said a ganado that had sneaked up behind Leon.

'Ahhh! Stalker!' cried Leon, and kicked him in the nuts. 'I know I'm cute,' sighed Leon, as the villager fell to the ground, clutching his manly area, 'but this stalking thing is ridiculous…'

He broke some boxes and added all the spoils to his collection in his Amazing Invisible Attaché Case™ (small).

Leon returned to the big gates, from which behind came noises such as 'hey! A car!' (CDL: What am I supposed to know? It sounds like that!)

'Must be civilized enough. If they attack me, I'll use that dude to breach the fourth wall and live with a fan.'

So he opened the gates, and entered…

THE VILLAGE!

Leon jumped as the codec-radio-phone thingy beeped with the tune of 'Crazy Frog vs. Axel' (he couldn't resist, it was on TV all the time) and
Hunnigan appeared on the screen.

'Leon, how you holding up?'

'What do you think? This is Resident Evil™©®™, for fuck's sake. It's no walk in the park!'

'Leon, language!'

'Don't worry, she's changed the rating.'

'Hmm, whatever. I'm sending you a playing manual.'

'Playing manual? Wha-'

'You can find it on the 'File Screen'.'

'File Screen? Hunnigan, what-'

'Browse through it using left and right, and exit it by using the 'A' button.'

'Awah? Left and Right? 'A' button?'

'Yes…'

'What are these buttons you are talking about?'

'Ah, screw it.'

And so, after hanging up, Leon followed the path. In the sky, a plane sped by, dropping a large ACME™ crate, which housed the all-important Playing Manual.

'What piece of crap is this?' asked Leon to no one in particular. The front cover sported the Resident Evil 4 logo (A/N: Why is the '4' in front of the name? XD) and the back had an advert for some game called 'Killer 7'.

'Killer 7? Is that like Ocean's Eleven? Hey, I might meet Brad Pitt here! My fantasies have come truuueeee!'

Unsurprisingly, the villagers heard him.

'Un forestero! A foreigner!'

'…Shit (again!).'

The villagers approached him, raising donuts and other crap. Leon screamed like a girl, and aimed at one of the ganados. He sneezed and accidentally hit a cow by mistake.

Several people wearing yellow clothes ran to the cow and took it's body to a nearby building with a giant yellow 'M' on the roof.

'Right…they live in a shitty village, wear dirty clothes and have a McDonalds. Makes sense.'

The villagers chased him into an old house. Leon barred the door with a set of drawers, one of which was broken, spilling out blunt chainsaw blades. It should have been a big enough clue.

'Who are these people? What are they planning? What the- Shit, a chainsaw! Son-of-a…Where in the world is Carman San Diego? Bush for president! (More random phrases). Leon pissed his (still wet) pants again when a chainsaw chopped the door down.

'Ahhh! Massacre!' Leon screamed, re-living the fear of a few nights before, when he had once watched 'The Texas Chainsaw Massarcre' with Claire. Although even with Claire treating him like a two-year-old, he wouldn't stop crying.

He rushed upstairs, and ran to the window. He looked out, and screamed when a ladder smashed through it.

Sure enough, there was a chainsaw maniac (a.k.a Salvador) standing by the ladder.

It was time to use the shotgun!

(ALERT! Bad Cardcaptors rip-off!)

'Shotgun of U.S.A,

Power of Destruction,

Power of Fight

Surrender the kick-ass weapon,

The fuse ignite.

Release!'

By now, Salvador was halfway up the ladder. Leon jumped out the window (no fancy battle costume, I'm afraid!) and performed a Matrix-style twist, and fired the gun at his head, protected only by a crisp packet. A direct shot in the head, and he fell off the ladder. And yet he stood up again. 'The Mighty Crisp Packet rules all!' said Salvador.

Leon was now pretty freaked out by all these villagers, and was about to shoot them all to hell, when church bells started ringing. The villagers all stopped, transfixed.

(Random Spanish)

'Ahhh….Lord….Saddler…'

They all walked through a metal door towards the north of the village, before Leon could finish them off.

All alone, Leon thought it was a great time to pull out his first joke.

'Where's everyone going? Bingo?'

Will Leon ever act like a normal human? Where did he learn the Matrix moves? Is he a descendant of Clow Reed? Has Ashley died of boredom yet? Are you still reading this crappy story?

Find out in chapter 4: The One With The Yorkshire Merchant!

Meanwhile, in the church…

Announcer: All the fives, fifty-five!

Villager: Bingo!

Announcer: Well done! The winner today gets to spend a sexy night with the American chick upstairs!

Ashley: I hate you all!