Oh, and sorry about any spelling mistakes. You can't expect a thirteen-year-old to be a perfect writer. Wait, you do? Ah, screw this. –Takes out ultra-expensive spell-checker- You may murder me for mistakes this time.
One last thing…I changed the rating back. It didn't seem 'M'; there was only one naughty word. And anyways, my friend begged me to change it, he couldn't read anything 'M' rated, his dad always checked the ratings, so...I have to be kind :) Anyway, if you play Resident Evil and you are under 16, you obviously don't give a crap if it's violent. Back me up here!
Chapter 4- The One With The Yorkshire Merchant
Leon's radio started to beep again, and Hunnigan asked, 'Hey, wassup Leon?'
'Hunnigan, I have some bad news.'
'What, your shoelace is untied?'
'Uhhh…no…' murmured Leon as he tied his shoelace. 'No…it's…ah…'
'You've confirmed the body of an officer, maybe?'
Leon looked around, and saw a gruesome sight- one of the cops was impaled on a stick in a giant fire. Looks like he got his campfire.
'…Yes! That's it…I've found an officer!'
'It was your shoelace, wasn't it?'
'You got me. Damn thing, always trying outdo me! But I have found one of the dudes, he's currently, um, well done.'
'What, he's rich, or something?'
'Hmmm, yeah, something like that…' said Leon.
'Well, anyway, get out of there, Leon.'
'But I-'
'Goddamit, boy, just get on with the game!'
'Sheesh, what's up with her?' asked Leon aloud as he put away the radio. 'Maybe Bush dumped her or something…'
Leon followed a path that led to the farm, according to a sign. He looked at the shabby fences, wondering that if the villagers had a life before turning crazy, why was the village so poorly built? To this day, I still wonder.
He entered a small hut to his right. Inside he found some ammo, and a letter with a few photos attached to it.
Leon was shocked to find that the photos were of him. 'They are stalking me again!'
The letter read:
'Recently there has been information that a United States agent is here investigating the village. Whatever you do, don't let him near our kitchens- the United States will close our restaurants down for sure. Oh, and don't let him get in contact with the prisoner, or poor Luis will most probably suffer a heart attack. Don't ask.
'For those not yet informed, the prisoner is being held in an old house beyond the farm. American, if you are reading this, he is NOT in the wardrobe. Definitely not. The banging noises are the giant rats. Again, don't ask. Anyway, we will transfer the prisoner to a more secure location in the valley when we are ready. As I said, don't let the American agent near the wardrobe…shit, I have no Tip-Ex…American, pretend I didn't write that.
'We don't know how the American government found out about our village. Salvador, if you added co-ordinates to your website again, I'll kill you. But anyways, we are investigating. However, I feel that this intrusion at this particular time is not just a co-incidence. I sense a third party other than the United States government involved here; maybe it's those damn girl-scouts again. But I honestly have no idea.
'My fellow men, stay alert! The one who kills the agent gets clean clothes, so hop to it! American, if you are reading, then you have most probably survived my villagers. That is why I have deployed more useless numbskulls to defeat you. We will win!
-- Chief Bitores 'Bitter' Mendez
'Wow, what a weirdo!' said Leon. 'As if I would look in a wardrobe, how lame is that!'
Leon pushed open the big doors, and entered the farm.
It looked normal enough- there were chickens wandering around, and villagers were stacking hay, feeding cows or just standing around,
pretending to work.
He ventured on, and when some of the villagers faced him, he could tell that they were crazy as well. He spotted some eggs lying around, and had an idea.
'FOOD FIGHT!'
He grabbed some of the eggs and threw them at the farmers, who were now advancing with pitchforks. One of them got a face-full of rotten yolk; another got one down his throat, and choked. When Leon had eggs, he was dangerous!
When he had finished them off, Leon walked over to a bright blue letter pinned to a tree.
It was titled, 'About the Blue Medallions.'
'For god's sake, this is getting ridiculous!' exclaimed Leon, but he read it anyway.
'15 blue medallions…
7 in the farm…8 in the cemetery…
For those of you who destroy 10 or more will be awarded the ultra cool, the one, the only, P- '
The rest was illegible.
'Stupid godamn letters with their stupid quests.'
Leon proceeded to the next area, having gotten bored of throwing eggs at the defenceless cows. He had found some treasure, loads of
spinals and a lovely beer stein, which needed 3 jewels to make it magically spout free beer. Of course, Leon took it, because he really wanted some booze. Poor fool.
Having left the farm, he was now at the top of a hill, with one of those weird signs. 'I've seen this signpost before,' said Leon, 'and it had been near a trap.' He looked up, and saw a boulder on the cliff. 'Hmm…looks safe.' Of course, he hadn't added two and two yet.
He walked forward, and heard somebody push at the boulder.
'Oh, shit-'
Indiana Jones theme music began to play as Leon ran from the giant rock. His best friend, the little green button, was telling him to sprint. As he reached the end, the button disappeared and was replaced with 'L' and 'R'.
'I shalleth doeth whatteth the buttoneth-'
'HELLO?' screamed Leon's smart side of his brain (which was rather small) 'GIANT ROCK OF DEATH BEHIND YOU!'
'Ooops,' said Leon, and he jumped to safety.
He ran down a tunnel that was just in front of him. When he got to the other side, he saw another creepy signpost.
'Again. The same signpost. Hmmm…'
Leon this time went forward with caution, and stopped when he saw a long piece of wire in front of him, connected to some explosives. My god, Capcom really are ripping off Metal Gear, aren't they!
Leon's initiative told him to run when he saw somebody throw dynamite at him. There was a loud bang, and Leon looked back to see that the attacker had blown himself up. How embarrassing.
Leon ran towards a huge house ahead, and was disheartened to see the front door locked with a padlock.
'Use the force, Leon…'
'What the hell?' stammered Leon.
'Oh, crap. I meant the Knife. Use the knife… or a gun…or your teeth…or a randomly strewn object…'
'Who is that?'
'I am the…um…adviser! Obey me and you shall live!'
'I will obey and live!' shouted Leon, and bust the lock with his combat knife. He didn't see the Ganado on the roof.
'Heh, what an idiot, he fell for it!'
Leon was stuck in the room, and that banging noise was really annoying him. He looked for an entrance to another room, but there was only a stack of shelves blocking what looked like a door.
'Screw this!' said Leon, and blasted the piece of furniture. Low and behold, the was a secret room!'
'Yay!' cheered Leon. He walked into the room, but there was nothing, apart from a banging wardrobe.
'Must be the giant rats.'
'The wardrobe…'
'Awah…?'
The wardrobe, you idiot!'
'Maybe something interesting is in…the wardrobe?'
'Dumbass.'
Leon cautiously approached it, and opened the door. He screamed as somebody fell out. He was bound and gagged, and apparently wanted out.
Leon ripped the sellotape off the mystery man's mouth. The guy went crazy.
'OUCH! YOU IDIOT! THAT FREAKIN' HURT!' he screamed in a very strong Spanish accent.
'B-b-but I-' stammered Leon.
'CAN'T YOU GIVE ME ANY BLOODY RESPECT?'
'I was only trying to-'
'I'VE BEEN LOCKED IN A FUCKING WARDROBE FOR AGES, DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED HELP?'
'Do you need help, then?'
'Ok, then amigo,' said the Spanish guy politely.
Leon began to untie him. What a weirdo…
'You're not like them?' asked the Spanish man.
'No, you?'
'Do I look like them?'
'Well, yeah, kinda. No offence.'
'Ces cero,' he muttered. 'Ok, I have one very important question. Do you have a smoke?'
'Got gum,' said Leon, 'but I'm not sharing it with you, meanie!'
The Spanish guy opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by loud stomping noises. Two Ganados ran into the room, followed by a huge, ugly man in a raincoat.
'Great…the big cheese.'
'Cheese?' said Leon. 'I like cheese!'
'You idiot, that guy wants to kill us!'
'Oh, does he now?' said Leon. He ran up to the giant and kicked him. Well, he tried to. The giant grabbed his foot.
'Oi!' shouted Leon. 'These are bloody expensive Nike trainers, get off!'
The giant threw Leon back on top of the Spanish weirdo and the wardrobe.
'I see birdies…cheese…yum…'
'Feeble humans…let us give you our powers…soon, you will be unable to resist this…intoxicating power…har de har har har!' laughed a guy in ridiculous robes, as one of the Ganados injected Leon with a small egg in a pretty purple liquid.
'You will become my slave! Har de har! You will cook me my Los Plagos omelettes! Har har!'
'Seriously, Saddler,' said the Ganado, 'You need a better evil laugh.'
'What, isn't it scary enough?'
'It's really lame.'
'You little rat!' sneered Saddler, as he kicked the Ganado's head off. 'Woot! Goal for the Saddlerator!'
Leon awoke with a start. He looked around the room he was in. Completely new setting. On the wall in front of him, there was some purple graffiti: You have been pwned by the Saddlerator.
Leon heard someone snoring; he was tied to the Spanish weirdo he had saved.
'Hey, HEY! Wake up!'
'Huh…I don't want chicken for lunch, Mariette…uh? Ei yi yi, crawl out of one hole, and into another. I suck at this.'
'You want to tell me what's going on here?' asked Leon.
'Not 'till you give me gum.'
'When we get out of here.'
'Fine…fine…Americano, si? Now what makes a bloke like you to this part of the world?'
Leon tried to get his photo out. 'Easy, whoever you are,' said the Spaniard.
'Name's Leon. Came looking for this girl. Seen her?' Leon took out a picture of Ashley from his back pocket.
'What, you supposed to be a cop or something? Nah, you don't look the type.'
'Maybe,' said Leon, offended.
'Let me guess…she's the President's daughter?'
'That's too good for a guess. Want to start explaining?'
'Psychic powers…Nah, just kidding with you amigo. Internet.'
'Figures,' said Leon, 'And who might you be?'
'Me? I'm Luis Sera. Used to be a cop in Madrid. Now I'm just a good-for-nothing guy, who happens to be quite a lady's man. Or a man's man.'
'You keep your greasy Spanish paws off my men!' growled Leon.
'Ok, ok!'
'Why'd you quit?'
'Policia. You put your life on the line, and nobody gives a shit. And there's an awful pay. Being a hero's not all it's cracked up to be anymore.'
'You sound like someone from a Disney film.'
Thanks…I think,' said Luis.
'Hmmm…anyway, I used to be a cop myself. Only for a day though.'
'I thought I was bad! Wait, I was bad!'
'Somehow I managed to get caught up in the incident in Raccoon City, on my first day in the force.'
'That was the incident with the viral outbreak, right?' asked Luis.
'Internet?'
'Yup.'
'I think I might have seen a sample of the virus in one of the labs at the department…'
Suddenly there was a scraping noise, and a villager came into the room, dragging an axe. He raised the tool above Luis and Leon, ready to kill.
'Do something, cop! Please! I don't want to die!' screamed Luis.
'Wait, maybe the Buttons will save us!'
'What the hell are you on, Leon?'
'Lookie, see? We press 'A' and 'B', and we live!' said Leon.
Sure enough, they dodged certain death. The axe cut the handcuffs, and as Leon rolled away, the Ganado lifted it up again. Leon kicked him where it hurt.
'Mummy!' squealed the villager, as Leon bashed the villager's head on the wall, killing him. Luis had run away, the scaredy cat as always.
Leon's radio beeped. 'Leon, you ok?'
'Sorry I couldn't get in touch sooner but I was a bit…tied up,' said Leon.
'Oh ha ha, brilliant pun. Head to the church by a secret passageway in the village.'
'What church, Hunnigan?'
'Didn't Luis tell you? Stupid crappy actors…'
'What was that?' asked Leon.
'Oh…nothing. Just go to the church.'
'But I'm not religious!' whined Leon.
'No, you idiot, that's where you will find Ashley. Screw this,' said Hunnigan, then she signed off.
Leon decided to go outside for some fresh air, but as he walked down the corridor, somebody appeared at the window.
'Ova 'ere, stranger.'
Leon ran out and pursued the mysterious person. He found him round the back of the house.
'Got somethin' that might interest ya, heheheh,' said the man, and opened his robe.
'OH DEAR GOD, NO!' screamed Leon. 'NOO! PLEASE DON'T FLASH!' But then his fear turned to amazement as the guy revealed lots of weapons, kick-ass ones as well.
'Got a select'n of good things on sale, stranger! Did you bring me the special blue medall'ns, stranger? 'Cuz I really need 'teh get rid of this gun, it's too bloodeh' heaveh'…'
'Um, in English, please?' asked Leon.
''Course I'm English- I'm frum Yorkshire, for that matteh!'
'No I mean…ah well. Give me those weapons! I want the Rocket Launcher!'
'That will beh thirteh thousand pesatas, stranger.'
'THIRTY THOUSAND PESATAS!'
Has Luis left Leon for dead? Is this the beginning of a new relationship? Is the Merchant really from Yorkshire? The Saddlerator-WTF?
Find out in Chapter 5- The One With The Urinating Ganado!