A/N: Sorry again for the late update, I'd thought I'd wait until the summer hols to work on this. Also…I have a translation list, so I've pretty much got some decent Spanish here. Use the insults wisely, my apprentices…XD

Chapter 5: The One with the Urinating Ganado

'THIRTY THOUSAND PESATAS!' screamed Leon. 'My God…'

'I take cash, cards or checks, strangeh,' said the merchant, oblivious to the screaming. 'But I don't give change.'

'Fine. Fine,' sighed Leon. 'I'll use my Visa then…'

He began to search his pockets, until he realised something wasn't quite right...

'OH MY GOD!' screamed Leon again. 'You BASTARDS! You stole my jacket! My money! My DS! My…chewing gum!' he cried.

'Now now, strangeh! Calm down!'

'Calm down? CALM DOWN? I was on the last level of Pokemon Dash! And that gum cost me fifteen cents! And…and…'

'SHUT UP, STRANGEH!' yelled the pissed-off merchant. Fear the godly merchant. 'Weh need to rehsolve this peacefully. Give meh all your weap'nry, and I'll give yeh a stick of gum, deal?'

'Okies!' said Leon, looking delighted. He handed over his shotgun and pistol, and in return got a pack of Bubblicious.

'Ok!' said Leon, looking determined. 'I am gonna go attempt to save the President's daughter with only a stick of gum! I rule!' he said, as he skipped to a metal gate. 'Bye-bye, British dude!'

'Sucker,' said the merchant when Leon had gone.

Through the gate, Leon arrived at a weird little setting; wooden walkways were suspended on what seemed a bottomless pit, crappy tin shacks on the left, and a mini-cliff on the right. The exit was at the opposite side, and between it and Leon, an army of Ganados, wielding bog-standard angry-mob equipment, but also carrying mighty dynamite.

'Oh, lord help me,' sighed Leon. Unfortunately, he was heard by a Ganny, who replied with '? Le encontré!' (I found you!)'

Psychological warfare…thought Leon. 'No, I found you!'

'Huh?'

'Careful you don't fall!' said Leon, as he pushed the Ganny off. 'Oooh yeah! Anyone else want a piece of The Mighty Leon?'

All the Ganados approached him, raising axes.

Thirty minutes, two emblem pieces and one very sticky fight (involving explosives encased in sticky pink bubbles) later, Leon had reached the other side.
He had only one piece of gum left, and he decided to save it. For when it all gets too much for me, he thought. I don't know if I'll make it home alive…

Through the door that had a ridiculous emblem puzzle (it took Leon another half an hour to figure out that you had to put the pieces together) he was at a strange, tacky building, full of Ganados. He entered, but with his current ammo he couldn't possibly fend them off, and face it, he was no Solid Snake with his knife (he didn't even understand what CQC was, that damn game was too hard)

'Hmm, what to do…' Leon thought, when something shiny caught his eye. He turned, and saw a pretty golden mask in a little room, blocked by rusty metal bars.

'OOOHHH! SHINY! Must…get…can't…resist….'

He kicked the bars (why couldn't you do that in the game? –Y.M), jumped through and grabbed the uber-expensive antique. 'Wait, what the hell is something like this doing here, in a scrubby old village?' Leon wondered aloud. 'WHAT WERE CAPCOM SMOKING! WHY?'

He went on like this for ages. Finally, he had an idea. He looked at the antique, and he took out a dress he'd stolen from a female Ganado a while back.

Don't ask. Please, I beg you.

'I know what to do!' shouted Leon.

The Ganados were surprised to see a woman wearing a golden mask pass through the building, because blowing up the agent with dynamite was a man's job. Though many odd things had been happening lately, so they let it past. But Leon knew better…

'I'm a lady!' he said, in a high-pitched voice. (I can hear the Little Britain fans scream) 'I wear pretty dresses and I have pretty hair!' A few of the
Ganado's wolf-whistled. 'Hey baby!' one of them called in Spanish. 'What you say we grab some alcohol and have a party in my run-down house?'

'Why, you bastard…I mean,' said Leon quickly, going back into high-pitch, 'I, er, I can't because, er, I have lady things to do! Yeah, that's it! Um, I have to apply make-up! Because I need to look pretty!' That wasn't far from the truth. Leon felt the tube of mascara in his pocket. A man needs long lashes, after all!

He managed to pass through easily, until he got to the beartraps. The Ganado assholes had planted way too many traps, and the hem of Leon's dress got caught in one. He hadn't noticed, and he kept on going. Suddenly, all the Ganados had stopped whistling.

'What? What is it?' asked Leon, looking around.

One of them yelled, 'It's a cross-dresser! I need backup here!'

'What the hell…' said Leon, and he noticed the missing dress. 'Oh shit…'

He ran and ran, through the building, and through a weird sewer tunnel, and up a ladder. The Ganados, who were slower than a gang of OAP's, had lost him. One of them blushed. His mate looked at him, then at his lower regions. 'Oh my god,' he said. 'Please don't tell me you were turned on by a guy.'

Leon emerged from the sewer, and his hopes fell when he saw a big house ahead. 'Jesus, not another loony-sanctum!'

He crossed over a long path and dodged some C4, and entered the house, to find the door locked by another puzzle. It consisted of a crystal ball with the Los Illuminados symbol on the inside, although of course Leon had no clue what the symbol was. He spent hours trying to figure it out, and was soon reduced to a little crying child. 'Mummy…I can't do it! Wahh!' In his strop, he punched the glass ball, which shattered into a billion pieces, and allowed Leon to reach through and unlock it from the other side. 'Cool! Crying does help!'

He stepped into the neat, tidy bedroom, which had far too many pictures of some dude in a purple robe. 'Probably some famous Spanish actor,' thought Leon, thinking of his own room, which had quite a lot of Orlando Bloom pin-ups. He heard some talk on the other side of the door opposite, and he listened in…

'…of course you need to dye your hair…but Salvador said…NO! It was Wesker's blood?'

'Defiantly….but the agent…evil rat….must be exterminated….EXTERMINATE!'

Leon opened the door and stepped through, ready to ambush them. He looked around, and screamed like a pansy as somebody grabbed him around the neck.

'What yo punk white ass doin' here, yo homie?' said Mendez. 'Yo not permitted to be chillin' in meh crib!'

'…What the crap?' choked Leon, who was turning blue.

'If I see yo punk white ass here again, yo gonna be killed, you dig?'

'Cough…splutter…what….the…' gasped Leon.

Bitores threw him to the ground, and flew off, singing an obscene song.

'Jesus, what a weirdo…'

Down the stairs of the house (and past more pictures of the purple-robed guy) and Leon was in a dining room. He saw a door to the right, with the word 'Toilet' written in Spanish engraved into the wood.

'Yay! Finally, a toilet in a RE game that I star in! Wow, Raccoon was awful, I had to hold it in the whole time…'

He opened the door, and screamed when he saw Ganado using the urinal. If all the Ganados were alike, then the big weapons were defiantly compensating for something!

'Wha-?' yelled the Ganado, and he turned to face Leon.

'WOAH! Please, make little Billy go back! MY EYES! THEY BURN!' cried Leon. The Ganado just stared, so Leon kicked him, careful to avoid Billy. The Ganado cried, and fell unconscious.

'FINALLY!' said Leon. 'Now, can I use the damn bathroom!'

Five minutes later, Leon exited the bathroom, which had no sink. Ew.

He decided to leave the psycho house, and he went through the opposite door, though not before savaging a chicken egg from the oven. (An egg in the oven? WTF?)

Though beyond the door, a familiar noise made his blood run cold.

'Muhaha! I have found you, American!' said Salvador.

Is Leon doomed? What is up with Mendez? Does anyone touch Leon's hands in the game? (Dear god, poor Ashley) What was Capcom smoking when they made this game?

Find out in chapter 6: The One When Salvador Returns!