Adam had been doing a lot of thinking over the holiday.
A day after he had told Joan about what had happened, Grace had come to visit him…
He had been in the shed, trying to finish a piece for art class. He ran his pencil slowly along the page, trying to focus his attention on the picture in front of him. Eventually, his frustration took hold of him. He sprang upwards, crunching the work into a tight ball. Then he threw it angrily into the trashcan in the corner of the room. Not satisfied with this, he went to kick it hard. Adam missed his target and let out a small yelp as his foot smashed into the wall, then dropped to the floor and curled up, cradling his injured foot with his hands.
'Dude! What happened?' Adam heard Grace's voice from somewhere behind him, but couldn't quite summon up the strength to uncurl himself. She rushed over and skidded to her knees. 'Adam?' she murmured, trying to pry his hands from his face. 'Adam! Show me.'
He curled up even tighter. 'No!' he crowed like a toddler.
'Hey, hey… Adam, it's Grace. You're okay. Just let me see how badly you've hurt yourself.' She stood and backed away a few paces, trying to get him to calm down.
Adam sat up, wincing as he started to pull the sneaker off his wounded foot. His big toe was swollen and bright red.
'Ouch. Dude! Okay, um… can you try and wiggle it?'
He tried, but the pain overtook him. 'It hurts like hell!'
'C'mon hound dog,' Grace ordered, leaning down to help him stand.
'Where?' He leaned in as Grace tucked an arm around him, supporting him.
'Emergency room, that toe's broken.'
'Shit.' He muttered under his breath.
Grace grinned down at him, 'Yeah, shit, basically.'
ooo
The friends had sat and waited at the emergency room for hours. Adam had had been seen to, his toe now taped to its neighbour and bandaged. Now he was waiting for a big supply of painkillers and his bill.
'You need some help paying for this Rove?' Grace offered.
'No. But thanks. I was saving up my wages for a trip to Ohio with Jane. Guess I can spend that now.'
'What the happened Adam? You were like, couple of the century. It was sick inducing how together you were.'
Adam threw Grace a wounded glance before resuming his staring competition with the floor. The floor was winning. 'Don't wanna talk about it Grace.'
'Whatever. Okay then.' Grace was the last person on earth to try and push someone into saying something they'd rather not.
'It's her funeral tomorrow,' Adam said to himself more than Grace.
'Judith's? Yeah. I think we should all meet up in the morning and go together. Shall I ask Joan or will you?'
'I'll email her.'
'Right…'
After a short but silent wait Adam was allowed to leave.
ooo
The next morning, Adam still hadn't heard from Joan. Grace was due to arrive in a few hours. He had to see her.
'Hello?' Adam banged insistently on the Girardi's front door. 'I know someone's home yo.' He banged on the door again harder. After a few minutes, Helen opened the door. 'Hey Mrs. G.' Adam almost hugged her with relief.
Helen looked surprised. 'Adam?'
'I have to see Jane. It's important.' He could feel the lump developing in his throat.
'She… she's not home, Adam. I'm sorry.'
'But I have to speak to her!'
The sympathetic smile offered to him felt like a kick to Adam. 'I'm sorry. What about the funeral? Are you alright to get there because…'
'My dad's driving me and Grace,' he interrupted. 'I know she's home, Mrs. G. Please, just one minute.'
'Adam, I…'
'JANE!' Adam screamed up the stairs in the direction of Joan's room. 'JANE…! JANE, PLEASE!'
'Adam, stop it!' Helen pushed him back from the entrance to the house.
'Please! I need to see her.' Adam started to tear slightly.
Helen wavered a little. 'Adam,' it pained her to even say his name now, he noticed. She reached out to wipe away one of his tears. 'I don't know what happened, with you and Joan, but… she's hurting Adam. She's really hurting. I don't know if it's Judith or you or something else, but I'm worried…' She glanced up towards the top of the stairs. 'Joan, honey, Adam's here to see you.' Helen nodded at Adam before stepping out of his way, allowing him inside.
He walked slowly, hesitantly to the bottom of the staircase. He saw Joan at the top, her face red and blotchy from the tears. She was wearing pajamas with teddies on, and fluffy slippers. She looked rough. He opened his mouth, attempting to start the apology, the explanation, anything. The words got caught in his throat.
God, she's beautiful.
She shook her head, slowly at first and then more forcefully. Her eyes bore into him, pleading silently. 'Get out!' They said to him plainly. 'Get out!' He did as he was told.
ooo
Joan had never appeared at the funeral. Adam sat right at the back of the church, despite Grace's arguments. Mostly, he had felt guilty. Guilty for sleeping with Judith, guilty for getting her pregnant, but most of all, guilty that at Judith's funeral, all he thought about was Joan.
'As Jesus once said, only in the eyes of god can…'
The service had annoyed and amused Adam in equal measures. Upset as he was, it was obvious to him that the person described at the funeral was not Jude. Not the Judith he had known.
She would have hated all this religious crap.
Christie, Judith's mom, had invited him back to her house for food, along with everyone else at the funeral. He had declined.
ooo
After the funeral, Adam had emailed Joan almost every day. Whether or not she read them, he had no idea. She hadn't been in school at all before Christmas. He didn't see her over Christmas break either. Remembering the plans they had made had hurt. They had been going to spend Christmas together.
A few days after Christmas, Adam had gone to do something he should have done a long time ago. Visit Judith's grave. He had been to see him mom and bring the sculpture he had made her, stopping to tell her about his Christmas and his rapidly healing broken toe. He had read the inscription on Judith's headstone. Then he had run home. He was frightened by simply how much it scared him to visit her. Even right after him mom died, he hadn't remembered it hurting this much.
The same day, he had forced himself to go back, this time with a hammer and chisel. Laughing out loud at the graveyard, he realised that if he wanted to end his life now, he had tools to do and was in a rather fitting place. He didn't so much as make one cut on himself though.
It's not worth it.
What he did do was kneel onto the cold ground and set about working on his task, to mark the resting place of the baby. Judith's baby. His baby. He gashed himself unintentionally more than once, but he hardly felt the pain as he continued to work. He had done what he came to do, that was all that mattered.
ooo
I think there will be another chapter.
Hezzie xxx