Disclaimer:I do not own Slamdunk (and you know who does).
Meditating on 'love quotes'
AYAKO
"Aya-chan!"
Please, not again. I walked quickly, hoping to get away from that very familiar voice. The school's practically deserted.
No doubt it's Ryota. When will he ever give up? He called out to me again. I had no choice but to stop and wait for him.
"Aya-chan, I was just wondering…" his eyes were pleading but I chose to be unaffected by it. I didn't wait for him to finish. "No, I don't want to." I said my hands folded in front me.
"Aya-chan, why do you always have to be this cruel to me?" He gave me that pleading expression again, hoping that I would change my mind and took pity on him. I've rejected him many times yet he won't give up.
"Ryota Miyagi!" I said, giving him a disapproving look.
"Can't you give me a chance?" He had that sad expression. And it broke me to be the one breaking his heart. But I have to do.
"I can't. I'm doing this for your sake. Believe me. This is more difficult for me. No matter how hard it is, I hope you'll accept my decision as it is." I touched his arm, to somehow show him I care, but not the care he wanted. I can't give that. "I could never love you the way you want me to." I wanted to be clear this time that he really didn't stand a chance with me. "I hope we could still be friends."
He looked at me. "Is there someone else?" he asked in a low hurt voice. How the hell am I going to say that there was but then that 'someone else' didn't know? It sounded pathetic so I said instead, "No, there's no one."
I left him standing there. I felt a huge weight was lifted on my shoulders. I felt he will finally stop pursuing me. It was harsh. But it would be unfair, even more, if I didn't tell him exactly where he stood.
I had accomplished two things today. Second was the one with Ryota and the first was with Hisashi. Finally got to thank him properly for what he did by doing him a favor. We're quits now. It's such a relief that I won't have to think of a way, like dinner for instance, to thank him.
HINORI
"Ayako!" I was running faster than usual so I could keep up with her.
She stopped and greeted me. "Hey, I'm glad to see you."
I was glad to see her too. "So, where to?" I asked as we walked, heading to where she's going, which I have no idea of.
"I'm off to work as usual," she had this expression on her face.
"What's that smile for? Something good happened?"
"There sure is." Then sadness was on her face. "You know Ryota?" I very well knew him. He had his eyes only on Ayako for a long time now. "I told him where he stands. He took it rather lightly than I expected but I'm sure it hurt him." She felt bad, it's obvious. "Truth sure hurts."
I'm sure there's something else she referred to when she said that. But I did not ask. Besides, I missed her so much to pry on any further.
"Guy problems solved then?" I smiled. "Way to go! I wonder when I could do that." I was just kidding around, my thoughts on a certain guy.
"You're pretty. I'm sure a lot of boys at school admire you," she said, back to be the Ayako I knew, bubbly and energetic. Or maybe I just missed her that I thought she changed.
"Can I come with you to work? I haven't seen it yet," I won't let her get away this time. She's always busy. I want to hang out with her even if it's just for a few minutes.
"Well, actually my work won't start in 30 minutes. We could go to the ice cream parlor just near the restaurant where I work." She seemed up for the idea. I'm glad she did because I have something to ask her, a lot of questions that need to be answered about my brother. I have a feeling I could get it out of her somehow.
RUKAWA
I saw Ayako and Hinori. I should have tried to catch up with them and joined the chat.
The only difference now was that I'm not in the mood. I could sense they were talking about guys anyway. Girls! So why ruin their time together. Besides, the three of us could all hang out in the house. It's only Ayako that's hard to find. Hinori's always there.
HISASHI
"I hope you'll understand. It's time for me to follow what I really wanted," I told Tetsuo. He had been a good friend, to be honest. He was not that bad. I even enjoyed his company. But this has to stop now, including my days of troublemaking.
"I completely understand. I sensed that already. I had known all along that this would happen. What can I say? Good luck on your basketball career." He gave me a high five and a slap on the shoulder. "If you need help, you know where you could find me." He rode his motorcycle and sped away. I could see its taillights fading.
AYAKO
"You know, I missed times like this." I watched her devour her bowl of ice cream. I could only smile back, enjoying her company like I always did.
"How's the life back at the Rukawa's? Kaede told me he was surprised when he heard the news about your mom and his dad. But I guess he's coping with it just fine."
"I'm still trying to get myself used to the idea of having him as a brother, which isn't hard to do because we've been friends for so long. I think I can manage."
"So, tell me. What's going on between you and my brother?"
"What do you mean?" I was taken aback by what she's trying to imply, I almost choked on my ice cream. She's implying there's something romantic going on between me and her brother, which was not true.
"I would love to see that again!" she was laughing hard. So, she was just kidding.
"What I meant to say was what happened between you and my brother that I didn't know about? Come on, spill. If I recalled it right, you were furious with him for trying to ruin the basketball team's chance. It had been months, so why did I see you at the cafeteria this morning, talking seriously. And it seemed like you've patched things up."
"Oh that. You see, you're brother asked me to do him a favor. He wanted to play again. And I told him that I would help him. He apologized for all the trouble he caused the team. So why prolong it? I told him I'll talk to coach Anzai and try to arrange a meeting for him."
"Alright, so that explained the haircut and the going home early. He's definitely coming back." She said this more to herself. The happiness in her voice was evident. And I'm happy for her and her brother. Everything will finally be well in the Mitsui residence.
That explains why I didn't see him at the bar the other night. Right, he's finally throwing the entire bad act.
HISASHI
The next day, I was walking behind Ayako, thinking of what to say to coach. We were on our way to his office. I was dreading this day, that I would have to face one of the people who have influenced me to do my best in basketball, yet I ended up disappointing him.
She suddenly stopped. It was too late. I ended bumping into her.
"Oops, sorry."
"You're mind wandering somewhere? Don't worry. Knowing coach Anzai, he'll definitely understand and take you back. You just have to tell the truth and be sincere, which I know you are." She told me extending her hand to pat me in the shoulder, a gesture of assurance and support.
"Well, here we are. Coach is waiting for you." She once again gave me an encouraging smile. I smiled at her gratefully. Even if she did it just to pay me back for what I did.
She walked away, leaving me to face this on my own. She had done more than enough. So I had to do this once and for all.
AYAKO
A month has passed already. And the basketball team was getting better and better. The members were surprised to find out about Hisashi coming back to play the game. At first, they treated him with hostility, like they want him to feel unwanted. But with the help of Kogure and captain Akagi, and a word from coach Anzai, addressing the whole team, the members started to treat him just fine; some were civil while some were friendly.
Of course, I didn't expect that they would welcome him with open arms. But I know, in due time, they would just have to accept him, that his abilities and skills, great skills, I have to say, was needed. The team needed him like a missing piece to a puzzle.
I have to take note that Miyagi, despite what happened between them was one of those who were being friendly to him now. Nothing much came from Kaede, as usual, it's either he's indifferent or he didn't care at all. Sakaragi's reaction was a bit over reacting, just what I'd expect from the guy.
After practice, Hisashi invited me for dinner. I was surprised and curious. He said it was some sort of a 'thank you' for what I did; only it was a month too late.
"You don't need to do that really. We're quits now remember?" I was hopeful that I won't get to go. But he was determined. What convinced me was when he said his Mom was expecting me. I haven't seen her for a long time. This will be some kind of get-together.
At dinner, I saw Hisashi looking at me, as if telling me to just ride along.
"So, just as I thought, you'd grow to be a beautiful woman, isn't she Hisashi?" Mrs. Mitsui said, her gaze on me then glanced to her son meaningfully who was about to take a bite but stopped at the remark. I thanked her politely for her praise. All throughout dinner, Mrs. Mitsui carried the conversation and I could only reply once in a while, smile and look at Hisashi.
After dinner, at the living room, Hinori was showing me some of their family pictures. Hisashi was at the kitchen, helping in the cleaning. Mrs. Mitsui insisted that she and Hisashi could take care of it. Maybe they had something to talk about so I didn't insist on helping.
Flipping through the album, something familiar caught my eye. It's a picture of Hisashi in junior high. His arm was draped on the shoulder of the pretty girl. She was smiling, they were both smiling, and from the looks of it, I think they were a couple.
"Oh, that's Yoko, a very close friend of Hisashi back in junior high. I wonder what happened to her now."
She took a peek at the kitchen door, before telling me in a hushed voice, "You see, I think something went on between them though he had always denied it. I think he loved her."
Loved.
"I saw her just last month, at the restaurant where I was working. She and Sendo were having dinner," I said, making a mental reminder not to mention about the incident that I witnessed more than a month ago.
"Really? She's with Sendo now?" she said incredulously. I thought I even saw in her eyes the disbelief and envy or jealousy. Maybe she likes Sendo and she's not telling me. Yeah right. She still loves Kaede.
"Wait till I tell him about her. Maybe he'd be happy to hear it."
"What news?" We didn't realize that he was standing there, with an inquiring look.
I felt my presence was not needed. They will be talking about something which does not concern me. I stood and told them I should get going because I have a lot of piled school work to do. Mrs. Mitsui came out from the kitchen and said "Hisashi, go on, take her home."
Hisashi didn't complain, which meant he will take me home, which was okay.
"Okay, maybe we'll continue this next time." Hinori stood and she accompanied me to the doorstep, Hisashi tailing behind us.
HISASHI
"I heard from Hinori that you're managing well in the Rukawa's. Still thinking about telling him how you feel?" I didn't know why I brought that up. I ran out of what to say, I guess. She didn't know that I know about Kaede. Some slip of the tongue, now I'm in trouble. She's looking at me now, her eyes widening.
"How did you know about that?" she asked, incredulously. Before she could react again, she realized that she gave herself away.
"It's obvious, I notice how you would look at him during practice," I said, a little too knowingly and a bit amused. She's so transparent.
"Okay, I won't deny that I have feelings for him. But this is between the two of us. To tell you the truth, I haven't thought of it, in a month now. I think it helped that we're a family now. It put some sense into to me that it would only ruin the friendship we have built for several years. I know Kaede. He would not like that. I'd rather have him as a friend than none at all."
I was quiet, letting her do all the talking. "I think it is better this way, to keep it all inside until it all goes away," she continued, as if convincing herself it's for the better.
I could only nod, agreeing to what she said. I heard it before. And it reminded me of someone who had been special to me.
"Tell me, if you don't mind, have you ever loved someone?"
I was quiet for a while, contemplating whether to tell her or not. A part of me didn't want to talk about Yoko. But that would mean I haven't gotten over her yet completely. Being reminded of her brought the past back and then the hurt.
"If you don't want to talk about it, I understand." She smiled reassuringly.
"I don't mind. It's just that I don't know where to start."
"Start at what happened, why you parted ways."
My eyebrows creased. How much does she know? Am I ready to talk about Yoko, and talk about her with Ayako?
"By the way, Hinori mentioned to me about Yoko. I saw Yoko the other day, at the restaurant where I work. I saw her with Sendo Akira."
"Yeah, I know that. I've heard that from a friend who's studying at Ryonan." The thought that she might be around was a little overwhelming. I have to get it out somehow and now's the perfect time. Ayako seemed the type who won't broadcast other people's secrets.
The walk home was as long as the story of my life that I shared with Ayako tonight. I didn't feel any regret of telling her about it. It's more of a relief to have shared my thoughts with someone trustworthy.
AYAKO
Tapping my pen on the desk, I was racking my brain for a good answer to the question. This is not working right. I can't think clearly. It's getting late and my homework's not yet done.
My mind wandered back to what Hisashi told me. It turned out that the girl I saw at the restaurant and he had a past…before he even started doing the 'rebel thing'.
What they had had been wonderful, he made that clear. But then it came to a point in their relationship wherein they couldn't go on with it, because of a lot of things that were more important. She had her priorities and he had his. He didn't tell me what priorities he was referring to. And besides, he told me more than I had to know. They chose to part ways. They're friends still. But I can tell there was something left in his heart for her. I didn't voice that out. There has to be, given they've been together for two years and she was his first love.
Opening a book, to redirect my thoughts, I read a quote. It said: 'Once you say "I love you" to a person you love, you automatically give that person the right to hurt you.' (1)
This may be true but my heart said otherwise. Even if you didn't admit your feelings to the guy you love, you would still end up being hurt because keeping it all inside hurt as much as disclosing it.
I wish that Kaede would finally be with the girl who's really meant for him so I won't get my hopes up. Because even if I said I've given up, there's a part of me that was still hoping my feelings for him would be reciprocated.
"Maybe the answer is to give up, to let go of the feelings and have a new start. But I'll never let go of that guy…" (2)I recalled a saying I heard somewhere. That's my exact sentiments.
Then there's another quote. "Love can hurt you sometimes but the only way is to forget and accept reality. If someone is gone, there comes a new one." (3)
To begin with, he's not even mine so why bother meditate on this quote. It only reminded me of reality. And reality sucks.
I proceeded to the next one. "Love may live your heart like shattered glass. But keep in mind that there's someone who'll be willing to endure the pain of picking up the pieces so you could be whole again." (4)
Maybe this was right. But how can one say that a person would be whole again when a new love comes?
I think when we love, a part of us is missing because a part of us is given to that person we loved.
"Don't look for love to come your way for love comes freely and chooses no one for one day you might wake upfalling in love with the least person you expect to ever love." (5)
Well, this one's pretty scary. I mean really, what if I ended up loving Miyagi for instance. When I told him he doesn't stand a chance.
What if it's Sakuragi. I can't even stand his arrogance and overflowing confidence. He's funny all right but I just can't stand him.
What if it's Akagi? Whoa, I must be really tired to be thinking of such things.
Hmmn. What if it's Hisashi? Not bad, though. But I'm enjoying the relationship I have with him. It's like we have this mutual understanding. He's this sort of sponge that absorbs all my problems. It's a relief to have him around, a friend, shock-absorber and a distraction all in one package.
However, my mind can't seem to stop, that it wandered as far away as Ryonan.
What if it's Sendo? Not bad, but I don't want to be the one pouring ice cold water on him just in case. I smiled upon remembering the incident at the restaurant.
It had been more than a month. I didn't see him come to the restaurant. What have become of the two of them? I hope they kissed and made up.
Heck. What's wrong with me? Why am I meditating on these quotes?
Before I could get tempted to look for more quotes which I can associate my present state with, I closed the book and put it back on the shelf. Not sure whether or not to regret buying it.
I tried to answer the question and to no avail, I can't even write anything. My mind was totally blank. It only frustrated me.
I'd better go to sleep. Hopefully, with the free time I've got tomorrow, I can answer this question.
to be continued…
A/N: quotes (1), (2), (3), (4), and (5), I didn't own it. I don't know who does. But to some of you, this is familiar, I guess. Thanks Kate for continually reading this, and for the reviewers who took time to read and review.