Chapter 11

Jiggery-Pokery

"...and when I got there it was this long!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes at Jack and gestured towards the back of the pub. They were with Jackie and her 'fellow thespians' in the main bar of 'The Moon', celebrating the amateur dramatics society's opening night of 'Cabaret'. If it were possible, Jackie's mates were louder and more outrageous then she was, and the combination of drink, fishnets and feather boas seem to drive them to even greater depths of depravity. Jack and the Doctor managed to slip unseen into the back bar.

-

"Well done," said the Doctor. "Thought I'd have to drag you out of there by force."

"Are you kidding? I was terrified. Look, they've torn my shirt."

"That's your idea of heaven, isn't it?"

"Not quite – I like to go a little easy on my first date with twenty man-hungry chorus gir... er, ladies-of-a-certain-age."

They sat down in the corner.

"So," said the Doctor, "are you all set for tomorrow?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. I'm gonna go to 2015, see what's going on with Rose – or her clone."

"Good. And try to film as much as you can."

"Sure. I'll wear my jacket with the button which is really a fish-eye camera. So unless I get lucky with the Rose-clone and she rips my clothes off..."

"Isn't that more her mother's line? Talking of which, you will go and see Jackie, won't you? Find out how she is and what she knows."

"OK – so long as she's quit amateur dramatics."

They sipped their beers.

"So, what are you planning to do in my absence? Or shouldn't I ask...?"

"Er, Jackie seems to have already organised tomorrow for me. She's taking me 'down the benefits office'. She says I can claim housing benefit and then use it to pay her rent."

"What's 'housing benefit'? And why can't you just pay her from your hard-earned lottery money...?"

"I know. I said I had money, but she insisted. I'm unemployed and apparently I'm entitled to this benefit."

Jack chuckled into his drink.

"Well, should be interesting. So long as they don't find you a job!"

-

"Name?" The benefits officer, Mr Barot, sat opposite the Doctor and tapped things into his computer.

"I'm the Doctor."

"Doctor who?"

"Doctor... Azaria. Spelt A,Z,A,R,I,A. Named after the planet, you know?"

"First name?"

The Doctor's eyes strayed to a poster about benefits behind the interviewer's head.

"Er... Ben. Dr Ben Azaria.

"National Insurance Number?"

"I. Am. Not. A. Number."

"Sorry?"

"Don't know. Don't know and don't care."

The officer rolled his eyes.

"Date of birth?"

"Um, first of April. 1066."

Mr Barot looked at him. "The more you co-operate with us, the more likely we are to sort your case out quickly, Dr Azaria."

"Sorry," the Doctor grinned as he saw Jackie's face looking threateningly through the glass partition at him. "By that I mean 1960."

"OK. Now, work experience. Are you a medical doctor?"

"Nope. I'm a Time Lord."

"A what? You're a Lord as well?"

"Sort of. I do time. Time's what I do best."

"Ah." Mr Barot nodded. "I see. Done a lot of 'time', have you?"

"That's right."

"Where did you live before you moved into Mrs Tyler's flat?"

"Police box."

"A what?"

"Don't you remember them, or are you too young?"

Mr Barot sighed. "Shall we say 'no fixed abode'?"

"I think we can very safely say that."

"And what skills do you have."

"Er… Where do I start? I've sorted out a few cybermen over the years."

"Ah, you've worked in I.T.? That really could be useful. We may well be able to find you something with those skills."

"And then there are my talents on the jiggery-pokery front…"

"Your what? Dr Azaria, please leave my mobile alone…"

"Sorry."

At that moment Mr Barot's mobile phone rang. Looking somewhat harassed, he picked it up.

"Hello, Mr Barot speaking, how can I help? ...Who did you say you wanted to speak to? The Doctor? ...Who is this?"

"I think you'll find it's for me," the Doctor interrupted, reaching out for the mobile.

A stunned Mr Barot handed it over.

"Jack! How are you doing? Yes, sorry. I left my mobile at Jackie's flat so I had to do some jiggery-pokery. Anyway, how are things? Have you scored with the Rose clone yet?"

Mr Barot stared at the Doctor.

"Really? There must be something wrong if she's able to resist a gorgeous hunk like you."

Mr Barot put his head in his hands. He thought about putting in for some leave. He thought he deserved it.

"Mickey's left her? Have you seen him? Why did they split up?"

Mr Barot looked at the Doctor through splayed fingers. Spain might be nice.

"She's not speaking to Jackie either? Good idea, try and get Jackie and Rose together. And remember to film everything. Have you come across my clone yet?"

Mr Barot reached under the desk and pressed the panic button.

-

Jackie strode ahead. The Doctor followed at her heels.

"Marshmallow?" the doctor proffered a bag. "I prefer the pink ones myself."

Jackie swung round to face him.

"You've done it again, haven't you?"

"What?" asked the Doctor innocently.

"Messed things up! Messed things up for everyone!"

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is that I have provided you with a roof over your head and regular meals and I'm getting nothing in return but a pain in the backside!"

The doctor started walking with Jackie trotting behind. "Still don't know what the problem is. I mean, if it's money you're after…" He came to a stop beside a cash point, took out his sonic screwdriver, drew the tip over the slot and five hundred pounds was duly dispensed. He took it and handed it to Jackie. Jackie was rooted to the spot. She stared at the money.

"This… This is for me?"

"Who else? You need some compensation for living with a pain in the bum."

Jackie recovered herself. "Sorry, love. Sorry I was such a nag. You stay as long as you like. Stay for Christmas, if you like."

"Thanks, Jackie. I'd love to. But I wouldn't know what to get you for a present."

"Well," Jackie said, pointing at the sonic screwdriver, "I'll have one of those for a start."