"Well, this is one of the oddest stories on a one-shot lemon that turned into a proper story. And... I don't have much else to comment on that... today."
One Shot Lemon? One Shot Lemon! Number of hits say otherwise… (over 1700)
"The format is fair, not good or great. It needs work. I feel that you're lacking in narrative, in sense of setting, emotions, and character descriptions among other things."
I agree with this statement. I've always had the problem of setting up scenes. I jump into the meat of it too quick. I'll try to work on it…
"There is a show-not-tell problem, in the sense that you're telling more than you're showing. Think of it as this: if you explain the joke, there is no joke."
Sorry 'bout that…
"This is just me, but I don't believe the many uses of the forward-slash is neccessary (I can never spell that word right). Understandable you would like to show the reader a difference in language, yet when you have two people in the same room that speak the same language, such as Hirotaka and Yori or Kim and Ron, you don't need any special punctuation outside of quotation marks."
I wasn't sure about that myself. It makes more sense though… mental correction made…
Well, anyways, on with the story… This may be a little short, I apologize for that in advance.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters…
Ancient Words
At Yamanouchi:
Yori was still disturbed by the vision/communication she had involving Kim and Ron. She so wanted to tell them she was pregnant with their child, but she was still a little apprehensive. "What would they think about the advanced development? Would they even believe her?" Too many questions remained.
"Well, first things first." She said to herself, and walked out of her hut to go speak with Sensei.
The evening was cool and brisk, but the evening air felt good to her face. The smell of Lilacs permeated the air as she walked silently to her Grandfathers door. Before she could knock, she heard him speak.
"Please, come in, my child."
Smiling to herself, she should have known he knew she was coming. Yori could never surprise her grandfather. "I might tonight after speaking with him", she thought, and entered the domicile.
Sensei's living quarters was sparse, but functional. He had a traditional low dining table, a modest kitchen, fireplace, and a bedroom near the back. He had a few traditional decorations here and there, nothing over-bearing.
"Please," Sensei said, motioning across the low table towards the opposite side. "Make yourself comfortable."
There was already a steaming cup of hot tea waiting for her. Yori smiled inwardly, bowed, and knelt down at the table.
"You have something to tell me?" Sensei asked as she sipped the tea.
"Yes, I do." Yori said quietly, setting the cup gently down on the table. "I'm… just not sure where to start."
Her Grandfather sat there silently, with concern on his face. His Grand Daughter would speak when she was ready. He wouldn't push it, so he just patiently waited.
After a short uncomfortable silence, Yori finally began to speak.
"Sensei, Grandfather… I have some… news to tell you." She paused again, trying to find the right words. Finally she decided to just tell him outright.
"I am pregnant."
Sensei's eyebrow shot up. He wasn't expecting any news like this. He thought she was going to talk about her relationship with Hirotaka. He continued to stay silent though, and let her speak.
"I went to a doctor a few days ago and had some tests done to make sure everything was OK, but… there maybe some… interesting developments."
Sensei's eyebrow shot up again, but he still remained silent.
"This… this is going to sound… incredible, but the child is actually not mine. It… is… Kimberly-san and Ron-San's.
"How can this be?" Her Grandfather finally spoke.
"According to the doctor, the DNA in my egg was replaced. How, he does not know. I decided to bring this to show you, if you wish to read the report." She pulled the file the doctor had given her out from inside her ghi and placed it on the table.
Sensei clasped his hands, with the index fingers steepled, and touched his chin, thinking.
"The last bit of information I have may be even more difficult to believe." She paused. "The baby… is aging quite… fast. It will be full term in the next 2 months."
Sensei's only reaction was to close his eyes. After about a minute, he spoke.
"My dear, I must meditate on this information you have given me, and consult the ancient scrolls. I hope I am incorrect with my deduction, but I must check a few things. Thank-you for telling me everything.
"That is not… quite… everything, Grandfather." Yori then told her Grandfather about the vision/communication with Ron and Kim. She even mentioned the strange voice.
"Thank-you, my child. Please let me meditate, and think about this tonight. I will speak to you again tomorrow."
"Good night, Grandfather." Yori, stood, bowed, and left to go back to her dojo. She was so glad he did not ask her for anymore details.
After Yori walked out the door, Sensei immediately went out a back door, and walked directly to the ancient building that held all of the writings of the past.
"No… no…no… Where IS it?" Sensei was searching the shelves for a certain scroll. He gently picked one up, unrolled it, and scanned the words. Not finding what he wanted, he rolled it back up, and placed it where it was. He then walked over to another shelf full of scrolls. His eyes landed on a bottom shelf. Scanning, he walked over to the end of the shelf, which ended at a corner of the room. There on the bottom, almost on the floor, covered with dust and cobwebs, was what he was looking for.
He gently brushed away the cobwebs, and pulled the scroll out of its resting-place. He then walked to a large wooden table in the center of the room, moved the lamp he had set there earlier, and gently spread out the ancient papyrus paper.
Using a finger to help guide him through the words, he finally found what he was looking for. He knew he had heard something from his childhood, and here was the proof. When Yori had told him of the circumstances of her pregnancy, it had reminded him of this. He read it a loud, his voice echoing in the small stone room.
"Born of a woman's womb, but not hers, it shall devour all that is righteous. Power created the same as that which controls the Lotus Blade, but shines Black, to it's White, shall be his weapon. His name shall be…"
The name wasn't there. The corner of the scroll had been ripped off years ago, removing the identity.
"My dear, sweet Yori." Sensei whispered to himself. He leaned heavily on the table, and a small tear rolled down his cheek, landing on the ancient wood.
To be continued...