Episode 51: Video Game Violence
MegaMan woke up and remembered he forgot to say the advertised line in the 50th episode.
MegaMan: I must say it, to restore the audiences faith in KI caring about them and delivering what he said he would. Ahem, KI was too lazy to go look up the quote
And so MegaMan goes to school.
Roll: MegaMan, there's an assembly today.
MegaMan: I don't need you to tell me everything, I can figure things out on my own!
Roll: Sorry.
MegaMan forgets to go to class and waits in the auditorium for hours. Finally, the assembly starts.
Sigma: Hello school, and welcome to our weekly spirit assembly!
Sigma goes on an hour long lecture about spirit energy.
Sigma: Wrapping that up, I have an important announcement to make that concerns everyone! It is about video game violence. In the interest of providing a fair and balanced review on the subject, we will have someone who likes chunky peanut butter and someone who likes creamy peanut butter telling you that video games are evil.
BombMan: Easily the biggest problem facing society today is violent video games! As most of you know, violence didn't exist until video games were invented.
NapalmMan: I agree. The games are influencing kids to be violent. What else could be? Role models like us?
BombMan: And so, we are here to warn you children about how you can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality! Not like adults.
Sigma: Wrap this up, I want to get home in time for American Idol.
NapalmMan: And so, we are trying to make it illegal to sell video games to anyone under 21. The only thing standing in our way is the constitution, but we have studies that cancel that out!
Zero: Can I see the studies?
BombMan: NO! There are thousands, every single one is reliable, there is no need to look at them!
NapalmMan: So, we want everyone here to sign a form promising that they'll never play any violent video games. They are the sole source of conflict in the world!
BombMan attacks NapalmMan.
NapalmMan: I'll show you to like chunky peanut butter!
They battle away.
Sigma: And that's our assembly for today. Go home and remember, NEVER QUESTION OUR PROOF!
Act break.
Act 2:
MegaMan and his friends go home.
Roll: Weren't we supposed to sign that form?
Zero: We have bigger problems to deal with.
MegaMan: I agree. We have to stop those evil chunky peanut butter lovers!
Zero hits MegaMan in the back of the head.
MegaMan: What was that for?
Zero: To prove video games don't cause violence, the idiocy of people on this show does. But anyway, we have to stop that law from passing!
MegaMan: But we're just distortions of video game characters, we can't vote and really have no right to.
MegaMan buys a candy bar and pays sales tax.
Zero: We have to stop this! Video games aren't responisble for violence!
MegaMan: But they have studies!
A shadowy figure approaches them.
Roll: Wow, that's impressive, being covered in shadow in broad daylight.
Figure: I'm here to help.
MegaMan: Who are you?
Figure: Just call me KI Simpson, writer of MegaMan Jr. High and pro video game activist... I mean, just call me... Shadow.
Zero: How can you help us?
Shadow: I can show you the studies. Meet me at the abandoned parking lot tonight.
Cut to MegaMan and his friends assembled at a Wendy's parking lot. Shadow approaches them.
Shadow: I'm glad you came. KI Simpson, er, Shadow is pleased.
Zero: So do you have the studies?
Shadow: They're right here.
KI, I mean, Shadow is pointing to a location miles away on a map.
Shadow: Let's go.
They follow the map and dig up the studies.
Zero: Someone's coming!
Shadow: Don't worry, that's just my partner, KI.
KI: Good work Shadow. The joke based around has been made, you may leave.
Shadow dissapears.
KI: These are the fabled studies. Read them, and you'll find the answer.
The group reads them, and find out the shocking truth.
Act break.
Act 3:
MegaMan: Not even a fly can stop me from shouting out the shocking revelation! The studies... they're fake! Look at this cheap paper and counterfeit pens!
Zero:... But the studies are messed up. They don't measure violence at all! Look at this, their proof that video games make kids violent is that kids wanted to play the violent games again!
MegaMan: That makes sense, because there are studies proving the games made the kids violent.
Zero: Look, if you don't understand, just blindly follow me.
MegaMan: It's what I do best.
Cut to the group meeting with Sigma.
Sigma: You looked at the studies? You know what I'll have to do with you...
Sigma writes down looking at the studies and puts it with the studies as proof.
Zero: Sigma, this is disgraceful! The studies are about as effective as goggles, why did you do this?
Sigma: Oh, it wasn't just me.
Zero: In hindsight that's pretty obvious.
Zero revives MegaMan, who fainted after that revelation.
Sigma: You see, we needed a scapegoat. And since PETA rescued Flame Stag/
Zero: He wasn't a goat!
Sigma: And I'm not a Greek letter. Anyway, we chose video games as our scapegoat and blamed everything wrong with the world on an invention just over 30 years old.
Zero: Why?
Sigma: It was believable. And so we made thousands of ridiculous studies, hoping no one would look at them. But we had your best interests in heart.
MegaMan: How?
Sigma: There are thousands of studies proving that! Anyway, now that you know the secret, I'm afraid I can't let you leave.
Zero: We're having this meeting in the middle of a field.
Sigma: Well, it used to be American Idol headquarters. Anyway, I must stop you! Armored Armadillo, attack!
Armadillo burrows underground. We hear a loud clang. Armadillo comes out.
Armadillo: Stupid underground pipes! Sorry Sigma, my head really hurts.
Armadillo leaves.
Sigma: Foiled again! I have no way to stop you.
Sigma gets in his huge battle suit and leaves.
Zero: We have to go public with this! Otherwise that law will be passed!
KI: I doubt anyone wants to see a long legal battle. Not that what the audience wants has any effect on what I show. Regardless:
KI turns everything back to the way it was before the show started.
KI: Viewers, I have a very important message about tonight's episode. But it could be considered spamming, so you're not hearing it. Stay tuned for the next MegaMan Jr. High!