Episode 59: MegaMan Fakes Sick
It was another day at MegaMan Jr. High.
ElecMan: Class, I have an important announcement to make. We are going to be having an unfairly difficult test tommorrow.
Roll: Why?
ElecMan: Something to do with time stream tampering in the 90s.
MegaMan: I bet it was those lousy Democrats.
ElecMan: This test will be about finding the entrances to the dungeons in the second quest of the original Zelda without a guide. To make sure no one cheats by studying, and to make things a little easier, the entrances will be placed in random places. You must find every entrance within half an hour without using any secondary weapons.
Zero: That's impossible!
ElecMan: Which is why this will be only 99 of your final grade.
MegaMan: I only got a B+ on our last test, I just missed being able to fail 99 of the course!
ElecMan: Tests will begin tommorrow. We will also be testing the "Any student who is sick for a day gets an automatic A" system. I think it seems fair.
MegaMan: I have no choice. I'll have to play hooky again!
Bass: Idiot.
MegaMan: I mean fake sick!
ElecMan: MegaMan, please save your sick day planning for after school. We had to fire our teacher for that subject.
Later, MegaMan is at home.
MegaMan: I need a good disease to fake. Robo-pox? No, only aliens can catch that. A cold? No, that's been curable ever since Sudafed became a sponsor. Reading a Tommy Tallarico review? No, that requires months to recover. There has to be something simple...
MegaMan plays Tony Hawk's Underground 2. The games freezes.
Light: MegaMan, what do you want for dinner? Frozen pizza or Frozen chicken or Wendy's?
Rush runs in.
Rush: I'm rad to be rarm, it was reezing outside.
Rush turns on the air conditioning and leaves.
The police pull up outside MegaMan's house.
Sergeant Officer: Freeze! We've got your house surrounded! Come out with your illegally downloaded shareware!
MegaMan: That's it! It's so simple! I'll fake the most common disease for video game characters. It happens all the time on old games. I'll lock up!
Act break.
Act 2:
MegaMan: Okay, I've decided on which disease to fake. Now I need to know the symptoms.
MegaMan starts playing NES and thinks about moving it. The game freezes.
MegaMan: Okay, time to study this.
MegaMan studies the still image, taking photographs every minute to preserve its forms.
MegaMan: So basically all I have to do is stand still and be about to defeat a really hard boss. Okay, time to practice that.
MegaMan goes to save a city from a giant monster and stops right before vanquishing it.
MegaMan: I've got it! Now, come tommorrow, I'll fake my way to an A! Just like I used a strategy guide to get my B!
MegaMan wakes up the next day.
MegaMan: I'm prepared, nothing can go wrong.
Light calls from downstairs.
Light: MegaMan, I'm leaving to exchange my GameCube because my Dreamcast broke down. If you're sick you'll have to call me or I won't know and you'll be counted as playing hooky from school. Of course, if you're frozen you can't call me, but that's probably not going to happen. Oh, and I picked up those books on faking a lock up that you wanted.
MegaMan: No! My hard work will be for nothing! I have to think fast!
MegaMan thinks.
MegaMan: I could save money by buying last year's Madden every year...
MegaMan then thinks of a solution.
MegaMan: Rush, go tell Light I've frozen!
Light: Rush is out solving mysteries in a van.
MegaMan: Could you give him the message?
Light: Yes.
One needless loop of exchange later Light has called the school to say that MegaMan is home sick.
MegaMan: This worked perfectly! And nothing can ruin it except a completely illogical message that one day away from school will drive me crazy with boredom, completely ignoring weekends, holidays and summer.
Act break.
Act 3:
MegaMan: So I've got a whole day of rest and relaxation ahead of me. I wonder what time it is.
MegaMan looks at the clock.
MegaMan: That only took two hours? Oh no, I'll go insane, this day will never end! There has to be something I can do... I wonder if Nick Jr. shows Family Guy?
MegaMan: I was in luck, they do!
MegaMan doesn't notice he's actually watching a DVD, or that it's a Futurama DVD.
MegaMan: But no it's over! I have nothing to do! Oh, why did I sell every game I ever owned to buy an N-Gage QD?
MegaMan goes online.
MegaMan: There's nothing good online! Only stuffed animals with oranges on their heads! Curse you Lemon Cat!
MegaMan is starting to go insane.
MegaMan: Must... remain... calm.
The mail comes.
MegaMan: Ah! The mailman will see me skipping school!
Bill Clinton: I'm out of office, who cares how attendance rates are?
MegaMan isn't caught, but he's still bored.
MegaMan: I'll go insane, I can't last another (MegaMan checks the clock) five minutes!
MegaMan rushes to school.
MegaMan: I don't care if I get in trouble and flunk, I need to get to school!
Just as MegaMan reaches the door it flies open. All his friends come out.
Roll: Wow, what a great carnival day!
MegaMan: What in Keiji Inafune's name is a carnival day?
Roll: It's when school's on preachy shows have surprise days when there's no work at school and this place that was worth more as a pile of rubble has rides and ClownMan's ghost!
MegaMan: I missed it, all because I faked sick. There's a lesson to be learned here. Don't skip school on carnival day. Skip school right after carnival day, that's the safest time.
And so MegaMan learns a lesson. Stay tuned for the next MegaMan Jr. High!