CHAPTER THREE

"That feels heavenly," Thalia sighed, stretched out on Angel's couch while Connor rubbed her swollen feet.

"You and Buffy have fun?" Connor asked, very well aware his wife's heel was resting in his lap. If he misbehaved now, she could make sure he never fathered another child.

"We had a good time. Spent lots of money," Buffy said, sitting with Angel on the couch. Giles and Spike had taken up residence in the big, soft chairs but Illyria didn't seem to want to come to roost. She stood behind Spike like a statue.

"And did anyone spot the Bray Road Beast?" Connor asked acerbically, and Thalia tapped his groin lightly in warning.

"I've been gleaning a lot of research material, actually. It'll make a nice essay at the very least for the journals," Giles said, placatingly.

"Well, then you'll have to meet Scott, one of my co-workers. He swears he's seen the beast." Connor rubbed Thalia's legs. "So, anyone going to tell me why you're really here?"

"I would have thought it was obvious, son." Angel gestured to Thalia.

Connor's eyes narrowed. "Did you invite the world to the birth? Why not just tell me you wanted like a family reunion or something?"

"Probably because of the ugly face you're making right now," Thalia said in warning, and his blue eyes darkened. "There's nothing wrong with Angel wanting our friends to come see the newest member of the family."

"And that's what we are, Connor, for better or worse," Angel said, edging closer to Buffy. "We've cobbled our own family together."

"Just some members aren't as easy to get along with," Spike said, rolling his eyes at Angel.

"Yes, we're aware of your shortcomings, Spike," Angel zinged right back, and Spike curled his lip.

"I have never understood this human desire for family," Illyria said then touched Spike's cheek. "However, it is not an unpleasant sensation for the most part."

"And we have another birthday to be celebrating in a few days," Buffy said, entwining her hand with Angel's.

Connor's brow knit. "Who's?"

Thalia nudged his thigh. "Who? Who do you think skinny ass?"

His confused look only deepened. "You aren't having a birthday party for me!"

"Why not?" Buffy asked, looking unsure if she should be amused or worried.

"Because I'm not big into a day I'm not even sure is my birthday or just something I think might be real," Connor snapped.

Thalia's heel ground down in warning. He hissed softly. "You promised you wouldn't be an ass tonight, Connor, so don't start off by picking a fight." Thalia held out a hand to him and he hauled her up into a sitting position. She tapped his chin. "Thank you."

"And it really is your birthday, Connor," Angel said, moving Connor's annoyed look from Thalia to himself. "November nineteenth. I was thinking there's every chance your son might share your birthday."

Connor made a face. "That would be just strange...but possible. I've thought about that. So, was the purpose of coming here tonight merely to tell me to expect guests in and out of town until the baby comes or are we seriously going to look into the Bray Road Beast?"

"Well, I am curious about the enduring sightings of the beast, so I will be doing research," Giles said. "I wouldn't mind talking to your friend, Scott. But as for you actually helping, that will be up to you, Connor."

"And you're here tonight because you promised to do anything you could to make things easier on me and the baby," Thalia said, touching Connor's cheek. "You can start by talking to your father like a gentleman. No winging food at him or fists or anything not nailed down in this room, and you don't even have to do it in front of us. Buffy and I have made some plans for doing some pool walking in Angel and Spike's gym while you talk. I think Spike and Illyria are going out on patrol, and I'm sure Giles has plenty to keep him busy so you two will be alone and we're trusting you not to trash the house."

"But Thally," Connor protested.

She propelled herself up. "You're going to show me what your promises mean, Connor." Thalia walked off in the direction of Angel's spacious gym before Connor could convince her to change her mind.

"That is one tough lady," Angel said when they were alone.

Connor shook his head. "You have no idea."

"I like her," Angel ventured cautiously, obviously weighing what might be safe conversation versus something that would only inflame his son's volatile nature.

Connor smirked. "She's a far better woman than I deserve."

Angel leaned forward, elbows on knees. "No, she's exactly what you deserve. Thalia is everything I would have hoped for you, Connor. Beautiful, funny and big-hearted, and she makes you light up with so much peace and love that you're..." Angel paused, hunting for words. "You're simply more with her."

Connor rested back against the soft couch cushions, taking in something that had eluded him about the living room last night as he contemplated his father's words. Angel had changed things in the room. There was such pride in them that he couldn't find fault with Angel. Sometimes he wished he could do what Thalia wanted, and just lie his burden down, let go of all his hate. "She has given me so many reasons to live that sometimes I've forgotten what I did before I met her. All she wants now is for us to reach an accord."

"I wish we could, too, Connor." The words were so soft Connor wasn't sure if they were meant for his ears or not.

"I know you do. Just look at this place." Connor swept his hand over the coffee table.

"What?" Angel tensed.

"There're no knick-knacks any more. Everything's been put up on higher shelves or are just plain missing. You've baby-proofed this room," Connor said, somewhat bemused.

"Just a little," Angel said, his eyes wide, a hint of panic in them. Connor knew his father was afraid of his reaction. "Just in case, you know, you and Thalia would want a night alone. I thought I could babysit a little, or even in the day later on when Thalia goes back to work."

Connor snorted. "The Scourge of Europe babysitting. That'll make a nice entry into Giles' diaries."

Angel's shoulders drooped.

"Don't worry, Dad. Thally would bring the baby over even if I didn't want her to," Connor said harshly, thumping his heel against the floor.

"I don't want to cause problems between you and Thalia, Connor." Angel ran a hand through his hair then dropped it onto the arm of the chair like he didn't know what to do with those nervous fingers. "She wants us to be family. Family was the only thing you ever wanted, and that's all I wished to give you. And I thought I had and that we were finally getting somewhere...until we weren't. And now I feel further away from you than I did when you first arrived. I could understand the distance then, tried to find ways to bridge it but now...I just feel like I've done something wrong but I don't know what I did. I can't fix what I don't understand."

Connor was put in mind of one of those comedy skits where the man is trying to ask forgiveness from his wife but he has no idea what he's done wrong, only that he had done it, and she wasn't going to tell him what it was. Maybe Thalia was right, he should just tell Angel how much it hurt to be left with strangers, no matter how good the Reillys had been to him for however briefly it was. When they died, he didn't feel he could go back to Angel. How much clearer did signs need to be? First Angel chucked him into the streets then a few months later gave him to strangers and finally he wouldn't even allow Connor to fight with him against Black Thorn. Angel obviously didn't want him. "Some things just can't be fixed." His voice was like broken glass.

"I refuse to believe that, Connor." Angel got up, pacing over to the fireplace. "We're all trying to make things better."

"Everyone but me, you mean." Connor's jaw clenched.

"You said it, not me but it's the truth." Angel's dark eyes hardened. "I don't know what else any of us can do to make you want to be a part of the family. If your wife can't move you, then I know there's nothing I can do except let you go. I won't put Thalia and the baby between us, Connor. You can tell Thalia it's all right. She doesn't have to make you come here anymore. We don't have to have that party for you if you don't want it, and I won't ask for your help any more either. You don't want to give it, and I shouldn't keep putting you in the position of having to come here." Angel leaned back against the fireplace, looking somehow small, something Connor had never seen before. "I know that Thalia and the others expect us to talk. You can just stay here for a while and I'll go. If they ask, we can tell them some emergency cropped up."

Connor watched Angel going toward the door. He knew when the vampire reached it, he would be gone from his life forever. Hadn't that what he been hoping for? It didn't explain the cold creeping up inside him, the sick feeling like he had eaten a piece of squid several weeks past turning. A few more steps and he'd never have to fight with Angel again, and he would be abandoned for the last time. As Angel's fingers brushed the door jamb, Connor said roughly, "Thalia wants to name the baby Stephen."

Angel paused, turning to look at him. "Why?"

"It was her grandfather's name," Connor said simply, still shocked that he had stopped Angel from leaving, surprised it had been easy to do so.

Angel's lips thinned. "Have you told her that was your name in hell?"

Connor shook his head.

Angel came back into the room. "Why not?"

Connor couldn't look at him. "I don't know."

"Connor, what's happening to you?" Angel's voice was equal parts concern and rebuke. "You're becoming so closed off. It's a simple thing to say; just tell Thalia what that name means. You can't start walling yourself off from her, too."

Connor just looked up at him, his mouth working silently. Tears welled up but he was far too proud to shed them.

Angel sat next to him. "For the love of God, Connor, can't you find a way out of this fortress you've built around your heart? I'm no longer expecting it for me, but for Thalia, please try. Is there something I can do?"

Connor tried to talk but there was nothing in him but emptiness and rage and neither were veins he wanted to tap. He just shook his head.

Angel leaned back against the couch. "Maybe I'll just sit awhile then. We don't have to talk. We could just watch tv. Families do that together right?"

Connor nodded and Angel flipped on the tv. After several minutes of the vampire channel surfing, Connor said, "I don't cut her out. I just don't want to hurt Thalia. I know she really loves the name Stephen."

"Then you should at least be honest with her about why it makes you uncomfortable," Angel replied.

Connor bobbed his head and said nothing more. That counted as a real conversation, right? He and Angel discussed a problem, no one got punched and no voices were raised. He knew Thalia wouldn't buy that bullshit but he'd try to sell it none the less. He settled back, tried to get lost in the programming and hoped for a beep that would take him away to a fire. He'd rather be facing a chemical blaze than to be stuck in a room with Angel, and then having to face up to his own failures in front of his wife later on. Fate didn't indulge him with a timely fire.

X X X

"So, you've been quiet since we left Angel's," Thalia called from the bathroom after finishing brushing her teeth. "I mean even for you, Mr. Chatty Cathy."

Connor rolled his eyes, knowing his wife couldn't see and swat him one for it. "I didn't have much to say." He crawled into bed, hoping she'd take the hint and not bring up anything else.

Thalia came into the room and looked at him. Her look said she knew he was trying to avoid her. "So, what did you have to say to Angel?"

"Um, not much really. We mostly just watching TV."

"Bullshit." She crossed her arms over her vast chest. "Try again."

He looked away. "He said you could quit trying. He doesn't want to be a wedge between us."

"He's not the wedge," Her voice was hard enough to etch glass.

Connor rolled onto his side, facing the wall. "I know," he whispered, silent tears streaking down his face.

Thalia climbed into the bed. "Don't you dare turn you back on me, Connor."

He didn't turn back to her. He tried to wipe away the tears without her noticing. She leaned over him, her face dark with rage but the color faded away.

"Oh, baby, what happened?" She sank down on the mattress, putting her arms around him. He just shook his head. "You didn't expect him to just give up on you, did you?"

It felt like she was so far away from him. All Connor could feel were her arms and the press of the baby into the small of his back and nothing but space between them. He rolled over but there was no real way of entwining with her, not with the wide expanse of baby belly between them. She slid her hands over his wet face.

"He was going to leave me there," he whispered, his voice ragged.

Her hand caressed him. "But he didn't."

"I told him about what you wanted to name the baby," he said as if that made any sense in this context.

"And I told Buffy and she told me what you should have said," Thalia tried to snuggle in but couldn't. "Why didn't you just tell me that yourself?"

"Angel asked me the same thing. I didn't have an answer for him...or for you. I don't know what's wrong with me," Connor said. "Something's broken inside me, Thally. Always has been. I think the cracks are growing, and I'm scared because I have too much to lose. I can't fall apart now."

Thalia levered herself up so she could lean in for a kiss. "You are not losing me, Connor. You just have to learn to trust me and Angel. You can tell us anything. I'm sure of that. Neither of us are going to flinch when the heat's turned up. Tell your father how you feel, Connor. Look at yourself. You're a mess because he almost left you, and you know he will do it. I've talked to Buffy. Angel thinks leaving to cause people less pain is a good thing to do."

"I told him I didn't care if you brought the baby over to see him. He's already got the house all ready." Connor wiped his eyes. "I didn't think he'd leave."

"Maybe not but maybe he will. My bringing the baby over without you, that's hollow. Don't you see that, Connor?" she asked, heartbroken.

Connor flopped over on his back, staring up at her. "I'm hollow. I told him that years ago."

"You're not hollow. You're afraid. You hide inside yourself," Thalia rested back, curling up against his side as much as she could. His arm folded around her. "Talk to him, Connor. I'm willing to bet Angel had what he thought were good reasons for putting you with the Reillys instead of keeping you with him."

Connor looked into her face. "More Buffy-born wisdom?"

"She does know him well. We didn't talk much about you two, but things she said about Angel and herself got me thinking. We have time yet, Connor. We can still work things out."

"Later. Right now, I just need you to hold me," he said softly.

She snuggled in, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'll hold you forever."

"Forever works for me."

X X X

Darla sat in the rocking chair, staring at the crib. She saw the crib in her nightmares. Why were they doing this to her? Why couldn't people just let her rest? She wanted to tear out Eve's throat but she no longer had the means. It was still disconcerting to have a vampire's memories and yet be stuck back in a human body. At least this time the soul wasn't driving her insane. It must have been her son's influence, that piece of his soul she shared had prepared her for this.

Her son, she rolled those words around in her mouth, savoring them. Her beautiful damaged boy had been so wracked with agony and fear and guilt that his pain had pulled her to him even across the dimensions. Darla wiped tears from her face, remembering her failure. She had almost saved him but in the end, she had lost everything. She felt his agony, watched him spiral out of control. She watched as the bitch twisted him up so badly that he just stood by and let her slaughter the girl he had brought to her. She had been powerless to stop her boy from becoming a murderer.

And now she was helpless to stop Eve from inflicting the terrible punishment on Connor and Angel. Darla would have thought she was used to being powerless. She had spent her hell watching her son grow up in the hands of a man who she had helped turn into a monster. Holtz had been kinder to her child than she could imagine. It had been an appropriate hell, being forced to watch her son without ever getting to touch him, to cradle him in her arms, to catch his scent, to take joy in his innocence.

It had been like a slice of heaven to go to him in his hour of need and even though she failed him, she had gotten the chance to tell him how much he was loved. Or maybe that was more hell, watching her words fall on salted earth, seeing him so twisted around that he thought he couldn't be loved. But Angel tried to fix it and she had been denied the view of her son after that. Until now, but she wanted nothing to do with this plot to hurt him.

Darla had tried to break out of her cage but she didn't have the strength to take the door. There was nothing sharp in the apartment. She tried to drown herself in the tub, and Eve took away the stopper. Darla couldn't bring herself to drown herself in the toilet and realized that even if she died, Eve would still do this, only she would be the one raising Connor's child. Darla couldn't allow that. As long as she was alive, she could try to save her grandchild and bring the baby back to her son. Darla knew she was strong enough for this. She had always been a resourceful woman, even as a mortal.

She had time on her side and now she didn't have to fear an unexpected death thanks to her sick heart. She could have been brought back with a healthy heart last time but Wolfram and Hart hadn't wanted that. They wanted Angel to kill her to 'save' her. Eve, on the other hand, wanted her alive to participate in this experiment with Connor's child. Darla could only dread what that meant.

At first, she had been confused by her own participation in the experiment. She couldn't fathom why this woman wanted her to design a nursery. Eve just kept battering her with questions as to what she would have given Connor had she raised him, making her go through countless catalogues until she had created the room she sat in now. It wasn't a room Darla would have expected but somehow all the stars and moons felt right. Connor would have been a happy baby in a room like this, and by the time she had realized why Eve wanted it, she was in no position to warn anyone.

No phones, no one but Eve, and her companion, the loathsome Gene, coming to the apartment, no neighbors that she could hear, Darla didn't know how to alert anyone to her predicament. She had even bitten her finger and wrote 'help me' on the window in her own blood but no one looked up. She was three stories up and no one had noticed. She had wiped it off as Eve had let herself in, fearing what the woman would do. Darla needed to stay alive for the baby because she knew one thing about her son that Eve probably didn't. Connor was just like Angel in so many ways including stubbornness and loyalty. He would never stop looking for his child if Eve succeeded in getting a hold of the child and neither would Angel. She would do her best to make their jobs easier. She rather hoped they left killing Eve to her for disturbing her rest and for daring to hurt her men.

Author's Note – The Himali Chuli was a Nepalese restaurant when I used to live in Madison and to my delight as of 2018 it still is! They had great food.