Tidus and his Banjo
13th April
We're obsessed with Banjos so we decided to write a story on the time Tidus found the love of his life, his Banjo.
This is a mad little story we came up with at school after singing the Banjo song
Prologue" Mummy, mummy, when I was in school today, we learned about music." Exclaimed a delighted 7 year old Tidus. " We learned about Fruits and a thing, something called a Carrot."
" Dear, don't you mean Clarinet? What else did you learn, Honey?" answered his mother who was more involved looking out to sea, in search of Jecht, who had disappeared about 3 weeks ago.
" I don't know... oh! Something called a...a...Git...Git-"
" Guitar?"
" Yeah mummy! A Gitter! And this one, that Badger thing..." He stood and pondered over the ' badger thing' but failed to understand.
3 weeks later
" Mummy, mummy, I know what the Badger is! It's actually called a Banjo or something...can I get one?" He pleaded as he quite literally pulled down his mother's trousers "I NEED a Banjo!"
" I'm quite sure you don't really need one that badly, are you certain? I can't afford lessons" Who had not moved from her place that she stood in 3 weeks beforehand. She was begginning to rot and Tidus could see the patches of mould, including the flies that were laying eggs in her decaying flesh.
" Mummy, mummy, are you alright, because you're starting to get really stinky you haven't, moved for 6 weeks!"
" Yes, love, I'm fine...just waiting for your father to get back from work." She sighed and turned her head to nod at Tidus.
" Mummy, mummy, Daddy doesn't work though! He's just a lazy, big headed alcoholic that is just rubbish at Blitzball!"
" Tidus! I never expected you to say that!"
" I didn't...that's what everyone else tells me" Tidus put on the puppy eyes " Mummy, am I allowed to have my Banjo?"
"Only if you swear to never say that again about your father!"
The week afterTidus was approached by his mother whilst playing with his toy Sir Auron doll, who was currently having his head smashed in by an unwanted cherry cake. She was holding a very worn looking box that had the words ' imported illegally from Luxembourg Hienen Screibet' (What ever that means I don't know, not unless I happen to take up learning Luxembourgish) printed in red on the side. She handed him the tattered box that he opened so quickly it was like there was no yesterday (that doesn't make sense either).
" Mummy, Thank you! I always wanted a tattered box! Um...what do I need it for?" He squealed.
" It's a Banjo, honey! Look!" She said softly and with an over exaggerated arm movement. " Like you asked for!" patting him on the head.
"Oh, yes I didn't see that there. Thanks."
And so began a beautiful love with his Banjo. Tidus's Banjo. No one else's Banjo. Tidus's.
Chapter 1
The gang was stopping at Rin's travel agency, where at the present Wakka and Tidus were arm wrestling, naturally, it wasn't really an arm wrestle, it was more like an arm flop as neither of the knuckleheads were winning. It was about 10.p.m and the rest were planning their route to Zanarkand. Rikku was attempting to steal Auron's hip flask full 'juice' (yeah 'juice' my butt, it was Gin really) and when she finally got her sticky hands on it she began to sip it. Lulu was attempting to be knowledgeable by planning the road, and Auron (poor old sod) was falling asleep, with his head near Yuna's chest area. Obviously Yuna was extremely uncomfortable with this, and therefore was edging away from him. Kimahri was trying to catch a Locust but was unsuccessful, and like I said Ginger knucklehead and Prettyboy knucklehead continued arm flopping.
Next morning they set out on the Mi'hen Highroad. The sun was beaming a pleasant orange on the surface of the water. Only a small item bobbed up and down with the waves. 'Beautiful' Tidus thought 'if only that damned scrap of wood wasn't wrecking it all, man...I'm gonna get my revenge on that blasted...' " Banjo!" Tidus screamed " that's my Banjo!"
The others, who were now halfway there, were sprinting back to see what the fuss was about.
" What's up?" Questioned Yuna
" That, my girlfriend, is my love"
"But I thought that I was the love of your life!"
" No! Eww you? You've never had a place in my heart, Banjo did." His eyes glazed over and he stared dreamily at the former Banjo that floated on the water.
" You're Banjo, ya? Well then go get her!"
" It's not a her!" yelled Tidus snapping back into the real world
" Then it's a he? Is it a he, ya?" asked Wakka
" Tidus, I didn't expect YOU to be gay! I always thought it was Wakka" stated Lulu who then received an evil glare from a 'soon to have a face redder than my hair'ed Wakka.
After reaching the bottom of the High road, Tidus retrieved the lump of decayed wood that was his Banjo. He was sure.
" It's broken!"
A long and boring hour had passed, fighting fiends, gaining AP, usual stuff. Yuna looked round to find Tidus was no where to be seen.
" Tidie Whidus! Oh! My darling!" she called, but there came no answer.
About 100 metres away, Tidus was snogging his Banjo, despite the fact that it was mouldy, covered in Lichen, and dripping wet, Tidus was rather enjoying himself having an affair with a former tree.
Yuna approached Tidus, who caught him in mid-kiss.
" Do you realize that that is just a stupid lump of wood?" She hissed, giving him a stare that made Tidus's bloods run cold. " I mean it's not exactly going to love you back, now is it?"
" Banjo, after all these years together, why didn't you tell me that you never loved me? Oh, Banjo! How could you?" wailed Tidus. Yuna simply rolled her eyes. " Doyouwanna hear my Banjo song? Well, here we go! BANJO! BANJO! Diddle diddlediddlediddle diddle diddlediddlediddle! BANJO! BANJO!" Yuna slapped herself in the face, and whacked Tidus with an unwanted Cherry cake that Kimahri had cooked for her when she was 15.
That nightAll was quiet. But not everyone was asleep. Sir Auron was wide-awake, on the prowl.
Lulu was getting rather disturbed as Wakka's sleep grunts could be heard from the next room. (Lulu had deciphered a code, One grunt meant ' I'm thinking of Girls', and Two grunts meant 'I'm thinking of Boys') So far, the grunt count had come to two.
Auron approached the bed where Tidus lay, clutching his Banjo to his chest.
' How the hell am I gonna do this?' He thought ' Mikka Becko won't be pleased if I don't get it.' He carefully clapped his hands round the neck of the Banjo and tugged. And failed.
" My precious, precious Banjo, I love you and would never leave you, even if I do have my eyes set on Wakka and Sir Gatta, but oh well..." Tidus muttered in his sleep.
" What the freakin' heck is he on about? Gatta? I always thought that was Wakka's man!" giggled Auron.
Tidus woke up, " WHO'S THERE!" he screamed.
" err...It's meeee..." Auron thought quickly
" Me? Who's me? Tell me, who me is!"
" It's meeee...the ghost of ...of your hamsterrrr..." sang Auron.
" HAMSTER! I never had a hamster!"
" Well...um I'm the ghost of...of your hamster...to beee!"
" What? Mr. Lopylit? Sorry, I didn't know that hamsters shouldn't be fed uncooked chicken..."
" Eh? No,no, I'm your future hamster, how could you kill me? I mean ...er...meeee?"
" Yeah, but that's the way I'd like to kill a hamster. You see if I don't feed you in the present then I also can't feed you in the future, and by the time I get there, I won't have fed you, so you can't be there and you don't exist, so then there's no need to feed a hamster, but you're dead anyway, so I've already killed you even if you don't exist yet, so that means you haven't been fed." Said Tidus almost swallowing his tongue.
" What?" questioned an extremely brain crashed Auron.
" Well. If you ha-"
" Shut up, moron!"
" Auron?"
" No, I'm your flippin' hamster! Anyways, if you don't give me your Banjo, I shall be forced to chomp your head off!"
" You're not my hamster. You're Auron."
" why do make such accusationsssss?"
" The light's on mate." Said Tidus in a superior way. Auron just stared, ran over to the other side of the room and switched off the light.
" I am the ghost of.. oh damn it, give me the Banjo!" Auron flew at Tidus landing on his stomach.
" AHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP! I've got an old man raping me!" Screamed Tidus kicking Auron in the teeth.
" GIVE...ME...THAT...BANJO!"
" NEVER! YOU WILL NEVER TAKE IT AALLIIVVE!"
" I...SAID...GIVE...ME...THAT BANJO!"
Tidus and Auron continued they're fighting, by the end of it Auron had lost two fingers, a tooth, and many hairs (he looses enough in his old age anyway) and had a bright red mark on his face. Tidus had had his arm splattered, lost an eye and Auron's snapped off fingers were up Tidus's nostrils, but worst of all, he had lost his Banjo.
At the Hideout Luxembourg Hieinen Screibet" Good work, Sir Auron, Mikka Becko will be pleased." A creature smothered in a black cape emerged from the shadows.
" Mikka Becko!" gasped Auron with an over exaggerated bow.
" Haff you retiffed the Banjo?" Said the creature named Mikka Becko. He swung off his cloak to reveal himself as a giant humanoid Gecko
" I haff...I mean have Sir..." Auron said as he bent down on one knee presenting the Banjo.
" You should place the bomb, Tidus and his gay friend Wakka annoy me, BLOW THEM UP! MUHAHAHAHA!" yelled Mikka Becko the evil Gecko. ( ooh that rhymes!)
" Bomb? But I can't kill Tidus, that would be disrespecting Jechts wish! Wakka I'm' okay with destroying, but not Tidus! He was fun to rape..." Auron muttered " I won't do it!"
and with that Auron stomped all the way back to Spira
Back on the Mi'hen Highroad" Thanks Auron, I thought you'd never give it back! I mean it's not as if you'd send it to some evil Gecko who'd plan to put a bomb in it and blow me and Wakka up, would you?" Laughed Tidus with an awkward smile.
" No...of course...not, I'd never dream...of doing such an evil...thing!" stuttered Auron yanking at his collar and breaking a sweat.
" HEY! ANY UP FOR A BANJO SINGALONG? Here we go! BANJO! BANJO! Diddle diddlediddlediddle diddle diddlediddlediddle. BANJO!BANJO!"
And that concludes Tidus and his Banjo.
FOR NOW...
Well there you go! Lets us know if you like it, we will be writing another chapter soon!