( forget Batman)
A/N: The next Chapter in Tidus and his Banjo, another funny story, that involves Blue Blood, BumNut the Banjo and Kimahri's Phone problem. Please read, you WILL laugh. I promise.
Nyviay
" Me and my banjo, all alone, we won't let that nasty old Auron get you, will we? No we won't...no we won't" squeaked Tidus stroking his beloved chunk of wood.
"Hey Tidus! You talking to yourself again?" called Wakka from in front " will you cut it out? It's getting kinda scary, ya?"
"Shhh, shhh, shhh, just ignore him banjo, he's jealous of our love"
"I CAN still hear you, you know Tidus!"
"Hey BanjoGirl! Get over here!" He called out.
"Yes your greatness," replied Yuna sarcastically " coming your greatness."
"You know what?" Tidus asked as his would-be-girlfriend-if-Tidus-hadn't-chosen-a-mouldy-banjo-over-her approached him "Me and my little friend here wondered what would happen if you stabbed yourself with an ink pen. Would it turn your blood blue or not?"
" This makes as much sense as the time you asked me how long your nose hair would look if you didn't have a nose." She replied dully " Is that all you wanted to ask me?"
"No. I was wondering who Edgar Rat was."
" Edgar Rat? Who have you been talking to?...WAKKA!"
" What?" called the gay leprechaun that was attempting to chat up Auron " Has Tidus finally admitted his love for me?"
" Er...no...Forget it" she called back " anyway," the summoner turned round " who's Edgar Rat?"
"I don't know! That's why I asked you!"
" Have you met him?"
"Yes"
" Where? In your blonde head? Or is he real?"
"Excuse me, Edgar Rat is about as real as what lies under my underpants."
"Well...that's not very REAL is it?"
" It is!...Wanna see?" he asked Yuna
Wakka turned round " I DO!" Tidus pulled a disgusted face.
A while later Tidus was wondering again...a very dangerous thing for a Blonde to do...believe me, I know.
But anywho, he was wondering about the giant rodent that he had bumped into. It had been wearing a sort of black rag, and had a sword like Auron's. He explained this to Lulu.
"Well all I can say is you've mistaken Ermalily Weasel for...an Edgar Rat"
" What the hell is an Ermalily Weasel?" asked Tidus still stroking his banjo. " Well, me and BumNut have never heard of such a guy."
"It's a Girl...and who the hell is BumNut?"
"Why...BumNut is my darling banjo!"
" Unbelievable," replied Lulu "you gave it a NAME?"
"Well, what do you call your dolls?"
"Stupid stuffed Mogs"
Tidus stomped off at this point and joined Wakka
"Hey...HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR EARS?"
"Yeah I know, I'm a leprechaun."
"You're a frickin' spasticated mongifacated deviant!"
"That's a little harsh, don't you think? I prefer it to be called a 'misunderstood difference'" Wakka replied.
"Um...aren't Leprechauns supposed to be tiny little men that dance around toadstools?"
"I think you're getting us mixed up with Gnomes" he said, looking down on Tidus, who, still was stroking his banjo.
"Who's Ermalily Weasel? Lulu told me about him."
"Well firstly, it's a giant ninja weasel that is trying to defeat evil Mikka Becko, and secondly, he is a she."
"Amazing...Mikka Becko, who's he?"
"The evil Humanoid Gecko...the one that you're supposed to destroy." Wakka explained as simply as he could for the half-witted blonde that stood next to him. "That ring any bells to you?"
"Why? Are we getting married? I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS! IT'S ALL TO MUCH FOR ME!"
"Hey take it easy, we're not getting married, however much I'd love to. I'm saying do you recognize anything I've just said about Mikka Becko?"
' Hmm' he thought ' wasn't Mikka Becko that crocodile thing that sneaked up on me and asked me to join him in his evil schemes?...nah! couldn't of been him!'
" No" he replied " but he said something about a Weasel"
"He who?" asked a confused Wakka " who have you been talking to?...AURON!"
"That's my name, don't wear it out Wakka" Auron called back upon hearing his name. " What do you want?"
"Er...nothing...forget it," said Wakka sheepishly " Tidus, about Mikka Becko, you said you'd spoken to him"
" Oh yes! He asked me to help him Destroy Emalily Weasel" replied Tidus with his usual half witt grin " I said I would and then found you guys"
"YOU WHAT! You're going to help him! Do you know he's evil, trying to take over the world...you know the classic evil schemes." Yelled Wakka, turning a brighter shade of red than his hair.
"Oh." was all Tidus replied with.
The gang moved further south of Macalania Woods. Rikku was being a Rikku and in her usual Hyper mood. Tidus was beginning to get bored so he tried to impress Yuna by showing off his "BanjoPowers"
" I, the almighty BanjoMan, will demonstrate what it takes to be a successful banjo-loving super hero!"
"Well, being 'successful' is going to be extremely difficult for you." Moaned Yuna to herself " you couldn't even save an orange from extinction"
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" yelled BanjoMan down her ear, and with that he whizzed off.
Yuna was left to herself. She was pleased with this. She wondered what life would have been like if she hadn't included Tidus in her journey. If she hadn't asked him to be her guardian, would she be any happier? After all, she wanted her pilgrimage to be filled with laughter...but this isn't what she had in mind. Tidus was a complete Moron.
"SEE!" squeaked Tidus as he leapt on Yuna's back " I CAN save an orange from extinction!"
" Tidus, 1) do you mind getting OFF my back, and 2) that's a pear."
"Ha..haha...pears are an endangered species! Don't you know?" He stated as he climbed down from Yuna's back.
" Tidus, you haven't a clue what you're talking about. Mind you, nor do I. If you really want to impress me...um...do something amazing"
"How about I-"
"Apart from trying to make lemonade from sweet wrappers. Remember what happened?"
"Yeah," Tidus said grinning again "I won't try THAT again"
" Auron where's Ermalily?" Yuna asked her guardian " she was supposed to be meeting us."
"Did you alert her that we have found him?"
" I thought Kimahri did"
"Foolish, Ermalily will not be able to understand Kimahri. Where did you put the phone?"
"I let Kimahri hold it for a while, he was whining again."
Auron wasn't impressed, he looked over to Kimahri, and then back at Yuna. He said-" Have you SEEN the phone lately?"
"No." she replied " I'll ask him...KIMAHRI!"
The Ronso turned to face her.
" Kimahri, have you still GOT the phone?"
"Yes, Kimahri has phone"
"Where?"
"..."
" Kimahri where is it?" asked Auron " we need that phone"
"Kimahri was hungry, Kimahri has eaten phone. Phone not delicious, but appetizing"
" KIMAHRI!" Auron and Yuna said in unison
" Lulu, how are we gonna get to Ermalily now?" asked Wakka after overhearing the previous conversation.
" I'm...not sure, but we'll find a way."
"Do you think Tidus can fly?"
"I very much doubt it," Lulu answered back, confused "why do you ask?"
"He could fly to Ermalily and tell her we're ready"
"Brilliant idea Wakka!" she said sarcastically "and ask him to pick up a Big-Mac and a large fries on the way too."
Wakka scowled.
"You're more dim than Tidus, and, aren't Leprechauns supposed to be a superior race?"
"No, now you've got us confused with HobGoblins"
"What's the difference? They're all butt-ugly"
Wakka scowled again.
"I can't think of a way to contact Miss Weasel, but I'm sure she could contact us-"
At that moment, a funny vibration and a tinny little tune was just about audible over Tidus and Yuna's bickering.
"Kimahri is ringing" said the beast poking his stomach.
"Oh, Shit!" cursed Auron " why the Fck does she have to ring now!"
" Auron! Shhh, there are children under the name of Tidus round here!"
"Kimahri, answer the damn phone!" Auron shouted.
"I'LL DO IT!" Sang Tidus as he jumped over Auron's head. He stood in front of Kimahri and opened the Ronso's mouth. Next he stuck his head down Kimahri's throat and said-" Hello, this is Tidus, AKA BanjoMan, who's calling Kimahri's stomach please?"
"This is Ermalily, I have good news"
"Spit it out then, Ratty"
"I'm a Weasel, anyway I have managed to harness the Fumble called Pom, we will benefit greatly from her destructive nature"
"What, in the name of Lord Braska is a Fumble?"
"A Fumble? Or a F-I-M-B-L-E, is a creature that guards our layer."
"A F-I-M-B-...That spells Fimble! Why'd you change it?"
"Put me on to your leader." Asked a frustrated Ermalily
"Why? Are you an alien? Are you going to take over our leader, transform yourself into him, store him in a back cupboard, control all the citizens and destroy the planet?"
"No, just put me onto Wakka"
"But-"
"JUST DO IT!" Tidus passed Kimahri to Wakka. The leprechaun didn't bother with Tidus's procedure.
"Hello?...hmmm...uh-huh...why?...all right...yes...when?...no...okay see you soon...bye"
"what was it?" asked Rikku " is Ermie alright?"
"Yeah, don't call her that though" replied Wakka
" What did she say?" Rikku urged "about the Fumbles? Power? Location of Mikka Becko? Schemes? Ninja's? BanjoMan?"
" How do you know?" queried the leprechaun " can you read my mind?"
"No, no, my eyes have nothing to do with it at all"
"I didn't ask you that" said Wakka, his face screwed up in confusion.
"Oh, look, the Airship!" she yelled, everyone looked up. Rikku scampered.
"Blasted Al-Bhed," moaned Wakka " Ermalily wants us to meet her North of Macalania, Back in the Thunder Plains."
" What's her plan?" Lulu asked
" I don't know, she didn't say..."
After rejoining with Rikku, they set off back to the Thunder Plains...only they didn't tell the Al-Bhed girl.
Little did they know, Dark Ixion would be there to greet them at the gates...
" I love this!" called Tidus " Us lot, on an adventure."
"Well I don't," muttered Yuna "besides, it's not an 'adventure', it's a pilgrimage"
"Same Difference! I still love it though"
"Well," announced Rikku, " here we are...HOLY FLYING MAELSPIKE! WE'RE IN THE THUNDER PLAINS!" Rikku jumped about 3 feet in the air, as a lightning bolt struck the ground not far from her.
"Well, well, well," someone said behind them " if it isn't the traitors! No traitors of Yevon can be permitted on these sacred lands, I will eliminate you!"
It was a Summoner. He began summoning an Aeon as the gang shook with terror. Except Tidus. He hadn't caught on how dangerous the situation was.
Kimahri looked up. There was nothing. He had heard a noise that had attracted his attention up on one of the Lightning Rods.
There it was again. He looked up to the towering Rod opposite to see a creature bathed in lightning. The Rod was struck and the air around the creature was illuminated. Kimahri saw Dark Ixion.
It jumped down, emitting an eerie horse's screech that shook every particle around them. Pawing the ground, it attacked.
Thundaja, the most powerful Lightning attack, knocked Auron out.
" I'll take care of this!" yelled Tidus " no-one, except me is allowed to attack Auron!"
To be continued...
A/N: Well, what do you think? I'll write another chapter soon, so you can find out what becomes of BanjoMan and the gang. Will Ermalily ever rid Spira of Mikka Becko the Humanoid Gecko? Will Wakka ever go strait? Find out soon.
If you enjoyed this chapter, please review. I'll be waiting!
Best wishes
Nyviay xxx
P.S. Cyraxis wrote Executive Decision, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!