Part 4 - A simple kiss

Eight Months Ago

The kiss was soft.

It took her breath away.

He didn't push or force her, he simply moved closer. His breathe tickled her face before he leant forward and captured her lips with his own. His hands moved to rest on her hips, while she stood still, shocked, unable to move, unable to think. All she could do was feel, and it felt better than she could remember.

It was two years since he'd kissed her like that, two years; that number rang through her head. Two years of watching him. Watching him leave her, break up with her, bring home another, pregnant, woman.

Two years ago he broke her heart.

"I can't." She pulled back, shrugged off his hands and retreated to the corner of the room.

"Abby…"

"No." She held her hands up warning him to stop moving closer. Avoiding his gaze she took a few cleansing breaths.

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It felt like hours passed, but was merely minutes as they both retreated into their silent worlds, they now sat at opposite ends of her living room each trying to assess what had just happened. Neither of them quite expecting that a day spent as usher and maid of honour at Susan's wedding would result in such a tender moment.

Together they had watched one of their closest friends wed the man she loved, they ate rich food and danced until her feet ached; and only when the final guests left did they allow themselves to take a moment and reflect on the day.

The drive back to her apartment had been quick, and not wanting the evening to end Abby had invited him upstairs for a nightcap. The hot chocolate was still untouched in the kitchen and the silence in the room was slowly deafening.

It took a while but soon Carter decided that he had, had enough. They had spent three months skating around each other, growing close and rebuilding a friendship. She had told him to call her and he had. Until then he had forgotten how much he had missed them.

"Are we going to talk about what happened just now?"

"You kissed me and I pushed you away."

"Don't you want to know why I kissed you?"

"Not especially."

"You're not even mildly curious."

"I've ceased being curious about the inner workings of your mind." She lied, and then added under her breath. "It always makes things worse."

"What?" He looked at her with concern and suddenly became very aware of her fragility. He was ready to talk about them and their past, he wanted to know. And to know everything they would have to start at the beginning.

He got up and walked the short distance to join her on the sofa she occupied and ignored her slight movement that closed the minute gap between her and the edge of the couch, he then watched as she pulled one of the sofa cushions onto her lap and hugged it to her chest, before pulling her legs beneath her.

Abby looked at him. "What are you trying to achieve?"

"I want to figure out where we went wrong."

"Isn't it a little late?"

"It's never too late." He told her, as he reached out to touch her knee. "Please."

Pushing his hand off roughly she replied, "It went wrong when you decided to get on that plane with no intention of telling me."

"I didn't know how to tell you." He decided not to confront her denial about there past and focused on what had hurt her the most.

"Well that's a lie." She snapped. "All you needed to do was answer the phone when I rang you. Or you could have come into work early. Or called me! But you didn't."

"I couldn't."

"You told me nothing was right here." She accused as more memories of that night came flooding back. "What's changed?"

"You changed."

"People don't change."

"So what do you call becoming a Doctor?"

"Finishing something I started for once," Abby looked deep into his eyes, trying to make him see. "But I'm still me."

"I know." Carter whispered and was pretty sure he understood what she meant.

"You know?"

"You're still the same Abby that I will always be drawn to."

"But that doesn't mean that you care."

"Abby…"

"If I meant anything to you, you would have called."

"I…"

"Don't!" She stopped him. "You walked back into my life and you didn't even bother to let me know. You brought a pregnant girlfriend into the place where I work, where my friends work. To what? Humiliate me?"

"They're my friends too."

She continued over him. "And you sent me a break up letter, to the ER, so everyone could read it."

"I didn't know."

"You didn't think. Not about me, not about us." She spat back at him. "But that's okay. I figured it out and I got over it. God!" She exclaimed throwing her hands up in frustrations. "I thought this time would be different."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know." She cried out, exposing her vulnerability.

"Well, then, let me explain what happened."

"No." Her voice was harsh.

"I wasn't thinking straight." He looked at her, waiting for to interrupt, but she'd turned silent. "Everything was overwhelming me here, I didn't know where I fitted anymore. Africa was like this fantasy, a dream come true."

"I don't want to hear this." Her voice shook, hearing his words felt like a dagger in her heart. So much for burying these feelings in the past, she thought bitterly.

"You need to. Abby, look at me." Carter grabbed her arms forcing her to look at him. "That was all it was, a dream, none of it was real. That place cast a spell over me and Kem was part of the magic. They made me feel valued and special; what I did there made a difference."

"You make a difference here too."

"But it didn't feel like that. Those last few weeks, months, before I left I was confused. I didn't know where we stood."

"So you thought running away was the answer."

"Like you can talk." He accused.

"I never ran away from us."

"No you just hid."

"What!" She exclaimed, "Like I could ever hide from you."

"You never let me in."

"You mean my family." Carters nodded in confirmation. "My car wreck of a family." Another nod. "I was trying to protect you."

"I didn't need protecting. I wanted to help you."

"I didn't need help."

"That wasn't my point. It was never my point."

"So what was?"

"I wanted to support you. I wanted to be the one you turned to."

"I did turn to you. I came home every night, to you. I cried on your shoulder. I slept in your bed. I wanted to be with you."

"But your heart wasn't in it."

"I gave you everything I could. But it wasn't enough for you. I wasn't enough for you."

"That's not true."

"Don't lie to me. You always tried to change me. And when I tried, for me, you accused me of making a quick fix. The easy route, which obviously wouldn't work."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"No? How did you mean it?"

"I just didn't want you to do it for me."

"But I told you I wasn't."

"But it had been. How was I supposed to know you'd changed? You told me yourself that you don't think people change."

"I still don't think they can. Or at least not their essence, their heart. You can change your look, you can adapt to your surroundings and change your attitudes towards things through learning. But I'll always be me. Just a little more rounded and secure."

"That's all I ever wanted."

"I don't know if I can believe you."

"Abby, it infuriated me seeing what you could be and that you didn't think you were strong enough to be come. Or didn't think you could be become. I loved you for you, your essence had captivated me and kept drawing me in."

"Is that why…" She trailed off, she didn't want to get into Kem again. He'd explained about the whole 'magic kingdom' he'd visited. That place where she wasn't part of the equation.

"Is that why what?" He continued after it became apparent she wasn't going to elaborate.

"It doesn't matter."

"It mattered enough for you to start. Please just talk to me. I thought we were passed the stage of hiding."

"We are."

"So why wont you tell me?"

"Because… because." She tried to form the right words in her head. "We're past hiding as friends and you've just taken us straight over that line."

"What line Abby?" He has to stop himself from shouting. "What line are you talking about?"

"Love." The word came out, barely audible.

'Love' the word echoed round his mine, confusing him. "How does that make you feel?"

"Honestly?" Her eyes captured his, daring him to force her to talk. He took her request and nodded. "Scared."

"Is that good or bad?" He needed to know.

"I haven't decided yet." Her eyes dropped to her hands she held in her lap.

"Look at me." Carter demanded.

Abby wanted to avoid his gaze, but like every time before. She couldn't because, as he had once declared to her, she too had always been drawn to him.

Like a moth to a flame, the threat of being burnt still prominent, dangerous and tempting. The allure of it all was something she would never escape.

"Abby." Her name played on his lips like it hadn't in two years. "I don't know what's going in between us. It scares me how strongly I feel about you, but what scares me more is how you feel about me."

"I…" Abby started, but didn't know where to even begin.

"I love you."

Authors Note: Well there we go... I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.