Chapter Five

A Dozen Roses and the Truth

"I'm coming…I'm coming…." Jordan called out to her closed door. Someone was ringing the doorbell off. She had called for Chinese delivery nearly an hour earlier, and then hopped in the shower. She had hoped the hot water and her favorite body wash would rinse away the tension of the day…as well as her last confrontation with Woody. "I said I'm coming!" she yelled at the door after grabbing a ten out of her pocketbook. "Give me a minute…" she swung the door open and then stepped back in surprise.

It was Woody. Holding pink roses.

And her Chinese delivery.

Oh God … not again. Please don't tell me he followed me home to pick up where he left off in the elevator. My heart and my mind just don't think they could take it … "Thanks," she said, gamely trying to take the food from him with one hand while closing the door with the other. It had worked with JD…

But it didn't with Woody. Jordan found his foot firmly wedged between the door and the jam. "I need to talk to you," he said, not giving her an inch…or her food.

"You've said all you needed to say," Jordan replied, still trying to close the door. She thought she had a Lean Cuisine in the freezer. If Woody wanted her Chinese that badly he could have it and she'd make do.

"No…Jordan….look…" he said, finally handing off the food to her. "I really need to….want to…talk to you…."

"I don't think it's a good idea right now. Besides, I just got out of the shower…and haven't eaten…and I don't know what else you need to say to me. Just…please leave."

"Not until I apologize…I need to apologize, Jordan. Let me in to do that and I'll leave you alone in peace. I promise."

"Scouts honor?" she asked, cracking open the door just a little more.

"Scouts honor," he solemnly replied, holding up three fingers in the Boy Scout pledge. "Besides…I'm not leaving until I do apologize, if I have to stay out here in the hall and talk to your door all night.

Groaning under her breath, Jordan let her door swing open the rest of the way, allowing him to come in. And just like in the elevator, she put a good five or six feet between them as he went to one end of her kitchen island and she took refuge at the other, putting the Chinese down on the counter and pulling her robe closer around her. "Okay," she breathed, straightening her spine and stuffing her hands in the pockets of her housecoat.

"These are for you," Woody said, suddenly remembering the roses in his hand. "I remembered that pink are your favorite…"

"Thanks…but you didn't have to…"

"I know…but it usually goes along with the territory when a man has made a complete ass out of himself…." He chuckled nervously and ran his hand through his hair. "Look…Jo… I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I pushed you so hard on the Baby Doe case. I mean, you have a right to back off from a case when you don't think you can be objective…and it's not really my place to tell you otherwise. It's just…just in the whole time I've known you, you've never backed down from a case…anything…or anybody. Not until now. And yeah, it made me mad because I was feeling like you bailed on me when I needed you most…but you know yourself better than anyone. And if you felt you couldn't be objective, then I have to live with that…and not let my feelings get in the way…."

Jordan listened to him silently…still holding the roses he had given her…carefully studying him. He had gone home to change before he came over to her apartment. Gone was the dress shirt and pants. In their place was a pair of snug fitting jeans and an equally snug blue sweater….the same blue as his eyes. He looks good enough to eat…she thought. And a year or so ago, that wouldn't have been such a bad idea.

But that was then and this was now. And at the present, he was far too perceptive and inquisitive. Jordan didn't feel like answering any more of his questions. She was tired and quite frankly, she wanted him to get done with his little "I'm sorry" speech and hit the road.

"Anyway…I really am sorry for anything I may have said or done to hurt you….I guess Dr. Macy was right. I didn't realize that as a woman you might be more sensitive about a case involving an infant."

Somehow, that rubbed her the wrong way. "What? I'm not a woman to you? I'm just some medical examiner that is supposed to shoot out information like a computer? That because….because of our past….my past….I'm not supposed to have feelings?"

"No, Jordan…I wasn't saying that at all…not at all…you've misunderstood me…"

"Are you saying that I was never really a woman to you? Was I ever? Did all you ever want out of me was a quick, cheap fuck? Because if that was all you ever wanted, I could have given you that and we could have dispensed with all the emotions and all the hurt I've carried around for months…"

"No! No…that's not what I meant. You're taking this all the wrong way…" Jordan noticed a thin sheen of sweat popping out on Woody's forehead.

But she was on a roll now and wasn't letting go. "Did you think that just because I don't appear very maternal or nurturing that I wouldn't have issues with this case?"

"No … Jordan…It's not…No…" Woody would be the first to admit he deserved this treatment, but he was sputtering now…trying to find an answer that wouldn't send her careening over her edge of anger. "You know….right now I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't ….so I'm not going to ...I am sorry, Jordan. Sorry if I hurt you. But I should have known better than to come here tonight and try to make things right. You're still impossible…" Woody pushed by her on his way to the door.

He was leaving. He was going to leave and he would never know. Jordan bit her lip. Suddenly that knowledge hurt as much as the information she had kept from him. "Stop."

Woody's hand hovered over the door knob. "Please stop," he heard her voice say and felt her small hand on his arm. "Please…don't leave. Not this way." He could have sworn he heard her voice break as he opened the door a few inches. "Please….sit down."

It was something in her voice that made him turn around. And then it was something in her eyes that made him decide to stay. He slammed the door shut and took a seat. "So….explain yourself," he said with a quiet note of firmness in his voice.

Jordan didn't say a word. She simply went over to her desk and opened a drawer, pulling out a small picture album and handing it silently to Woody.

A picture album …what in the hell? He thought. Glancing at Jordan but not able to read her face, he flipped the book open and looked at the pages. There was an infant…Jordan….She was a cute baby, he thought, stealing another look at the woman now sitting beside him, anxiously scanning his face for some kind of reaction. But I'm still not getting it…

And then he did. The last picture was one of Jordan holding the baby. He raised puzzled eyes to her anxious ones…to read the answer there.

Jordan was a mother.

"When… " was all he managed to breathe out around the lump in his throat.

"About ten years ago. Her name is…was…Sophia. She was my daughter."

"How….Who…" Woody was having problems getting the words out as he flipped back through the book and looked at the pictures again as Jordan tried to explain.

"It was during my first year of residency. I went out with a guy who thought dinner and a movie should garner him more than just the typical good night kiss…."

"Jordan?" Woody didn't dare believe what he was about to hear.

"I knew him. We were….friends. Or so I thought. Until he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer…"

"Oh God. No…"

Jordan shook her head trying to disperse those memories. "I dealt with it. But what I didn't expect to deal with was the aftermath…I was pregnant. I went back and told him. He laughed at me…and then bailed. Left Boston. Left Massachusetts. I never saw or heard from him again. Not that I looked very hard. From the beginning I assumed responsibility."

"But…he…"

Jordan raised a hand to stop him. "I know…but I also knew what trouble that might stir up. So I swallowed my pride and went to Dad." She sighed deeply.

"If this is too hard, Jo…"

"No…you deserve to know…Anyway, Max was just Catholic enough to be furious I got pregnant out of wedlock and I was still Catholic enough that I couldn't abort. So I took some time off to go to Denver to have the baby. The University of Colorado at Denver had a thoracic residency program that would accept me and they didn't care if I was pregnant. I went out there to have Sophie with the idea that after she was born, I'd transfer back to Boston. So….one day I packed up my old Ford mustang and pointed her west…" Jordan let her voice trail off as she took another deep breath.

"What happened then, Jo?" Woody had recovered enough to ask a coherent question.

"Something wasn't right….something wasn't right with Sophie. I knew it from the first time I held her. She was such a sweet baby…she rarely cried, but when she did, she'd turn blue around the lips. I was going to be a heart doctor. I knew what that meant…" Jordan felt her eyes fill with tears and looked down to avoid Woody's eyes. She wanted him to understand…but she didn't want his pity. She was surprised to find his large hand had covered her two smaller ones that were wringing themselves together. A tear from her eye splashed on the back of his hand.

"Go on," Woody gently encouraged. All of his anger towards her was gone. Instead that confusing mix of fear and protectiveness found its way into his chest again.

"I knew something wasn't right….and I was correct. Sophie had a congenital heart condition…they… the doctors in Denver….did everything they could for her and they were fairly optimistic. I was more than willing to stay put in Denver until Sophie was completely well….but that wasn't going to happen. One morning she didn't wake me up for me to feed her…so I went into her room to nurse her…and she was…she was…gone. She had died in her sleep sometime during the night …she was just shy of three months old. I held her cold, little body and rocked it for an hour, praying for a miracle I knew wasn't going to happen. Then I called the hospital."

She took a deep breath and tried to steady her voice. Woody tightened his hold on her hands. "Then…I went totally off the deep end. My residency supervisor called my dad, who came out to get me and Sophie. I came back to Boston…buried my daughter…and went right back to work here. That became my lifeline until I got kicked out of the thoracic program at Boston. Everything just kind of piled up on me then…between losing my residency and Sophie….well…the next step was me trying to commit suicide…whether by accident or by intent, I'm still not sure…."

"Jordan…you don't have to go on if you don't want to…honest….sweetheart…"

"No…you have to understand…I want you to….Garret offered me a job at the morgue…he helped me pick up the pieces of my life after everything….Bug was at the morgue then, so he knew, too….about the suicide attempt…and Sophie…and me…

"I may not have been a whole lot in my life, Woody, but one thing I wanted to do was have Sophie and be her mother. And that was ripped from me. So now you know why I had such a problem with this case….and why homicide calls that involve children bother me so much. I've tried…through the years….to put it behind me. But I just can't do it. I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner…but…." Her tears made her stop again. Jordan bit her lip and looked away.

And truthfully, she didn't need to go on. Woody sighed and gently rubbed her hand that he was still holding. He knew better than anyone else why she hadn't told him before now. About the time she had gotten to the point where she could trust him with her feelings and emotions, he pushed her away.

She pulled her hand out of his suddenly and stood up, pulling the tie on her robe tighter and walking across the room, away from him. "So now you know…" she said in a strained voice.

Still somewhat dumbfounded, Woody fumbled for an answer. Of all the preconceived ideas he had about her reactions to Baby Doe, what she had just told him fit nowhere in his puzzle. He realized, futilely, that he had no clue how to respond to her. So he said the first thing that came to mind. "I'm sorry, Jordan….so sorry…." Whether he meant this apology to atone for his actions of the past several weeks, or to try to somehow ease the pain of her past, he wasn't sure.

More than likely both. This is yet another reason she has difficulties with relationships, he thought as he vainly tried to think of something else to say. Everyone has left her...nearly everyone she has loved is gone. Her mother. Her father. Sophie.

Me.

Despite the fact she begged me to stay and not leave her…I did anyway. Woody shook his head at his own callousness. He desperately tried to think of something…anything to say to her, but realized he had no idea how to reach her again. She was staring out the window, seeing visions of things that weren't there…her daughter would be about nine now…third grade….

"I am so sorry, Jordan…" Woody finally went over and gently cupped her shoulders with his hands. He wanted so much to turn her around and pull her into his arms….just hold her until all the bitterness of the past left her for a while. But he couldn't do that. She wasn't his. Not anymore. He slid his hands down her arms to gently intertwine their fingers. "I'm so sorry…for Sophie….for you…"

"It was a long time ago, Woody…" Jordan shook her head again, dispersing the what if's of the past.

"Yeah, but you don't get over that kind of loss…"

"I know…you just rebuild your world around it…"

"And I'm so sorry for the way I acted…about the case… and Baby Doe…"

"You had no way of knowing then…"

"But I do now. And I won't ask you to answer anymore homicide calls that involve infants…"

"Thanks…"

Woody felt her nod beneath his chin. "Can I do anything else tonight, Jordan…get you anything?"

He felt her sigh deeply and lean against him for a split second. Then her spine stiffened again. "No…you've done enough…buying the Chinese…I…I… really think you should go now. It's getting late."

"Are you sure?"

Nodding again, she moved away from him, pulling their fingers apart. Silently she walked him to the door. "Are you sure you're going to be okay by yourself tonight, Jordan?" he asked before he opened the door to let himself out.

Jordan nodded again, desperately trying to get her emotions under control, but tears were still slipping down her cheeks. "I can stay a while longer if you need me to, Jo," Woody softly said, gently wiping some of the wetness off her face with his index finger.

"Why? It won't do any good. You've done enough tonight….you know everything now…just…please….leave. I don't want your pity anymore than you wanted mine…"

Ouch… Woody opened the door but hesitated before he left. "If you need me…"

"I'll be fine, Farm Boy. Go get a good night's sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." And with that she softly shut her big, red door.

Woody stared at it for a few seconds before taking the elevator to the lobby of her building. So that's what it felt like when I told her I didn't want her pity. Damn – that hurt.