A/N: Just another bit of genius from the triplets.

CHAPTER ONE. THE BEGINNING.

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It was September 22nd, and it was HOT. So hot. Harry Potter was

sitting shirtless at the side of the lake outside of Hogwarts School

of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His greased-up six-pack of goodness

glinted in the afternoon sun as he admired himself in the lake's

reflection. He messed up his hair to make it "sexified" and gave a

pout at the water.

"I am so hot," he said to himself as he struck a pose. He could hear

someone running behind him.

"HARRY!" the someone yelled, "HARRY!" It was Ronald Weasley. His hair

looked as if someone had lit a birthday cake on fire with a bottle of

hairspray and a barbeque lighter.

"Yes, Ronald?" Harry asked sexily. Ron gave him a disgusted look.

"Do you have the stuff!" Ron questioned. Harry smirked.

"Oh, I have all the stuff, dear Ronald. I have ALL the stuff."

"What the fuck. Seriously. Do you have the stuff or not?"

"Damn right I have the stuff," said Harry, pulling a small bag out of

his pants. "But you're gonna have to pay me for it."

"I thought we talked about this!" Ron exclaimed angrily. "U R TEH SUXORZ!"

"What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?" Voldemort asked, galloping

up on his white steed, Majesticus. He smiled winningly. Ron swooned.

"Oh you Weasleys!" He chuckled. "Ron, do you have the stuff?"

"Harry won't give it to me," said Ron.

"Well, gentlemen," Voldemort was suddenly serious. "I have some

distressing news to relate to you. A GIANT COMET IS GOING TO HIT

SCOTLAND SOME TIME THIS AFTERNOON!"

"Are you shitting me?" Harry asked.

"Certainly not," said Voldemort. "Well, good luck. If you need me, I

shall be in Ontario." He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO, MAN!" Ron screamed.

"We are going to fuck-"

"WHAT1!"!"!1!"1!"!"!" Ron yelled, taking three steps back and

sporting a gruesomely SHOCKED face.

"Hem Hem." Umbridge said. Ron punched her in the face and ate her nose off.

"Fuck off," he said, and went back to being gruesomified at Harry.

"I SAID," Harry began, "We are going to FUCKING smoke this shit, then

we are going to die."

"BITCH!" yelled Ron, through a puff of smoke. "What the fuck is this shit?"

"It's the stuff, Ron!" said Harry, grinning merrily. Ron catapulted

into a fighting stance.

"What the hell Harry! DRUGS? You're a LOSER. When I asked for "The

Stuff" I was asking for the Magazine which is entitled "The Stuff"!

They have a pretty awesome article on french manicures that I wanted

to read! Fuck you!" exclaimed Ron.

"Fuck! Where did Voldemort go! I need to borrow his steed of

greatness!" said Harry. Suddenly, a large man dressed in an angel

costume ran out from behind a tree.

"FIST OF THE BEAST KING!" he yelled, running at Harry and

punching him wildly, WITH HIS FISTS.

Suddenly, Voldemort appeared, galloping up on his glowing white steed,

Magnificus! "HARRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He said, leaping off

Magnificus in slow motion. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Voldemort!" Ron exclaimed. "I thought you were in Ontario!"

"Oh, Voldemort IS in Ontario," Voldemort said. "I am Voldemort's evil

twin, Voldemort."

"Oh, it's all clear now," said Harry. "But what are we going to do! A

GIANT COMET IS COMING TO HIT SCOTLAND!"

"Well, there is only one person who can save us," Voldemort said. "Voldemort!"

Professor Snape was taking an evening stroll by the lake when it all happened. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, TWO VOLDEMORTS. He gasped with horror. Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter were both reading "The Stuff" with them! Obviously the two young boys had been put under an Imperius curse!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Snape yelled. The Voldemorts, Harry, and Ron, turned to look Snape's way. They looked mildly confused. Snape pointed his wand at one of the Voldemorts. "AVADA KEDAVARA!" he yelled. Green light burst out of his wand and flew towards Voldemort, but bounced off of him and reflected back on to Snape. He "died" instantly.

"Noooo! Voldemort!" Voldemort cried. Voldemort sat up and and looked into Voldemort's eyes. Voldemort shed a tear. "Your eyes... just like your mother's. But the rest of you... so like your father. But what is this!" he exclaimed, "A SCAR. SHAPED LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHTNING! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?"

Suddenly lullaby music started playing. Dododo... dododo.. dododododo dododo, dododo... dododo... dododododo do do.

Voldemort was shrinking into a baby. His bald head became balder, and his squinty red eyes became squintier. He gained a little fat, but shrunk into a little bittle bitty baby.

"HE'S BEAUTIFUL!" Voldemort exclaimed. Harry, Ron, and Voldemort all began cooing over Baby Voldemort.

SUDDENLY the comet came bursting from the sky and slowly began to fall on Scotland.

"Oh No!" yelled Hairybitch. "WHAT ARE WE TO DO!"

Harry lept up, speeding through the air like a large bullet, and with

a mighty roar, rammed into the comet.

"HARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" They all screamed. But the comet

was deflected, and instead hit the United States of America. The

screams of sorrow quickly changed to cheers of jubilation.

"So what do we do now?" Ron asked.

"Well," said Legolas, "we clearly have to name a pie in his honour.

How else would we do justice to his noble sacrifice?"

"Good idea, Legolas!" Voldemort slapped him on the back. Legolas

toppled to the ground. "We shall call it... THE POTTER PIE! SLICES FOR

EVERYONE!

As everyone was lining up to take a slice of the pie, a clap of

thunder was heard, and suddenly, from the sky, radiant and glowing,

descended...

Penelope. She was wearing a Balaclava on her head, and a graduation robe. Everyone oo-ed and ahh-ed in admiration.

"All-mighty Penelope! What great thing has been done for you to grace us with your presence!" Voldemort groveled.

"Stop grovelling! I hate it when people grovel." she bellowed. Voldemort scurried to his feet, holding baby Voldemort in his arms.

"I'm sorry," he said. Penelope's face contorted with rage.

"DON'T APOLOGISE! DAMN YOU!"

"I'm so-... I uh.. okay." Voldemort said. Penelope adjusted her balaclava and continued.

"I am here to present to you, Voldemort, Voldemort, Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and each a guest of your choice, a QUEST!" she stated. They all gasped. "Yes! An almighty quest!" Harry Potter raised his hand. "Yes, Harry?" asked Penelope.

"What exactly is this quest?" asked Harry.

"A VERY IMPORTANT QUEST!" Penelope roared. "YOU MUST JOURNEY TO

MIDDLE-EARTH AND BRING ME LEGOLAS'S HEAD ON A POPSICLE STICK!"

"A popsicle stick!" They all gasped.

"But I thought Legolas was already here!" Voldemort exclaimed

"No!" said Penelope. "That was his evil twin, Legolas."

"But, O Great Penelope!" Ron said. "How do we get to Middle-earth!"

"Easily!" Penelope bellowed! "JUST SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED

ENVELOPE TO 999 IDIOT AVENUE WITH A LETTER ENCLOSED THAT SAYS 'WE WANT

TO GO TO MIDDLE-EARTH BITCH PLEASE!' And everything will be taken care

of!"

"That's hot." said Ron. Harry giggled.

"Oh, Ron, when will you ever stop talking about me like that? People will start to wonder..." Harry said, twirling his hair in his finger.

"Fuck off," Ron swore. Harry gasped.

"Stop it you two!" yelled Voldemort. "You're making Voldemort cry." Harry and Ron looked saddened at the thought and started to coo over Voldemort.

"Hey- uh, do you want to start to write the letter now so we can go get Legolas's head on a stick?" Legolas asked.

"THERES NO NEED FOR THAT." bellowed a glowing figure. Draco Malfoy stepped out of the abyss wearing nothing but a pair of Richard Simmons shorts. Harry glared at him as if to say 'You're not as hot as me,' until he realised that DRACO MALFOY was holding a stick with Legolas's head impaled on it.

"Holy hell!" exclaimed Ron.