The Gods Really Are Crazy
"So Amara's feeling okay huh?" Arcade asked the next day back at Misfit Manor.
"Yeah, considering she was kidnapped by that witch Selene and brainwashed by the other witch Frost!" Wanda said.
"Speaking of witches," Todd thought. "Where's Mystique?"
"Getting a combination pre natal checkup and therapy session in the Pit Infirmary," Althea told him. "This morning my sisters decided to show Mystique one of their scrapbooks."
"I take it it's not the one of their favorite naked guys?" Wanda asked casually.
"Nope," Althea shook her head. "It's the one chronicling all the cases of Spontaneous Combustion and unexplained reasons why certain body parts explode."
"So she's gonna be in there all day huh?" Lance asked.
"Pretty much yeah," Althea nodded.
"She's really starting to crack isn't she?" Fred grinned.
"Oh yeah," Todd grinned. "And this is just the mild stuff. I can't wait until she's ready for target practice!"
"Yeah I admit I'm looking forward to that too," Pietro grinned. "I've already picked out my paintball colors."
"One thing I'm not looking forward to is today's training," Lance groaned.
"I'm afraid training for you is cancelled today," Roadblock walked in with Duke and General Hawk. "Something new has come our way."
"Man don't we ever get a…?" Pietro began to complain when a flash interrupted him. "Break?"
Standing before them were three more figures. One was a tall blonde woman in full Norse regalia. Another was a young man with long blond hair, wearing a toga and grape leaves. But the third was the most striking. A man with the face of a black dog in Egyptian costume with a staff. "These are the ones that will assist us?" He spoke in a booming voice.
"Oh man the hallucinations are getting worse," Lance gulped.
"Relax Lance you're not hallucinating," Duke sighed. "Anubis, Egyptian God of the Dead, meet the Misfits. Misfits, Anubis God of the Dead."
"Anubis?" Wanda blinked. "As in the real Anubis?"
"Yes," Hawk sighed.
"You mean the guy who was supposed to take people across some river to the land of the dead Anubis?" Angelica's jaw dropped.
"Yes," Hawk said.
"There really is a god called Anubis?" Lina gasped. "He really exists?"
"Apparently," Anubis folded his arms.
Lance looked at Hawk. "I knew you Joes knew some weird people but this is nuts!"
"Kind of a shock for us too when we first met," Duke sighed.
"But how…?" Pietro looked back and forth.
"Years ago back in the 80's, Cobra was trying to loot treasure from this pyramid," Duke explained. "I and a team of Joes went to stop them. Long story short, we ran into Egyptian God territory and were nearly stuck there." (From the classic GI Joe episode: The Gods Below)
"But these guys aren't Egyptian," Angelica pointed to the other two. "Unless those history books I've read are completely off base."
"You perceive correctly girl. This is Dionysus, the Greek God of Wine," Anubis pointed to a longhaired youth wearing a tunic. "Sometimes known as Bacchus."
"Thanks to those crazy Romans. Just call me DB," He waved. "It's a lot easier. And this lady is Sif, Thor's wife."
"Soon to be Ex-Wife!" Sif snapped. "I can't take it anymore! I don't know why I married that idiot!"
"We have a problem," Anubis sighed. "A big one. I'm afraid Thor the Norse God of Thunder is loose in your world."
"Ah, you wanna run that by me again?" Pietro blinked.
"Long ago the gods of the world decided that mankind was better of without us interfering and willfully exiled ourselves into other dimensions," Anubis explained.
"You mean you guys couldn't take handing humans and went into retirement?" Todd asked.
"Got it in one!" DB groaned. "No matter what we tried most of those humans just took us way too seriously! I mean human sacrifices? Not really helpful to us! My sister the goddess of love once asked this prince dude named Paris to help this queen named Helen book some vacation plans to Troy for her and her husband. It got totally out of hand."
"So you all decided that mankind could screw up it's own future and decided to get out while the getting was good?" Lance asked.
"Yeah there was no way we were gonna take responsibility for that train wreck," DB groaned.
"So wait, did the gods create humanity or was there one all powerful deity that did that?" Xi asked. "Or was it evolution?"
"Actually…" DB began.
"Shut it, Booze Hound!" Sif elbowed him in the ribs. "You know that sort of knowledge is forbidden to give to mortals! Let them figure it out on their own!"
"So if you guys washed your hands of us, why is this guy on the loose?" Pietro asked.
"Well it seems that one of the reasons Thor leftAsgard was to use his powers to benefit mankind," Anubis said.
"And that's bad why?" Wanda asked.
"Because gods aren't supposed to interfere with mortal affairs," Anubis said. "It causes too much trouble."
"What kind of trouble are we talking about?" Lance asked.
"One word dude," DB said. "Atlantis. Whole continent used to be as large as Australia! I told Neptune he was making too many rivers. And then Athena had to put her two cents in. She went through this landscaping phase. Not really her thing."
"That's bad," Lance gulped.
"Well you guys are gods, can't you just go grab him yourselves?" Pietro asked.
"Yeah you have all the powers!" Todd said.
"Normally we would but…" DB sighed.
"Technically this is not the first breakout we've had," Anubis sighed. "But since most gods have as much power and authority as the town idiot we haven't had too much trouble returning them to their proper place. Thor however is another story…"
"Of all the gods in each circle, he is probably the most powerful of all of them, with the exception of Zeus and Odin and the other boss gods," DB told them. "Mostly because his power hasn't waned over the centuries like the other gods have."
"Why not?" Wanda asked.
"Besides the fact that he's the god of Thunder? He kind of breaks out every couple of hundred years to 'help' people," DB explained. "He feels it's his duty to use his gifts for good."
"MORE LIKE HE FEELS IT'S HIS DUTY TO GO PARTYING EVERY TIME MY BACK IS TURNED!" Sif screamed as she took out a sword and stared to hack the table. "JUST A FEW MOMENTS TO STRETCH HIS LEGS MY EYE! EVERY TIME I NEED HIM TO DO ONE OR TWO SIMPLE TASKS AROUND THE CASTLE HE RUNS AWAY! OH HE'LL FIGHT EVIL AND PROTECT THE WEAK! NO PROBLEM THERE! GIANT SPIDERS AND MONSTERS! HE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, BUT DOES HE EVER CLEAN UP HIS MESS? OR TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE? OR EVEN CHANGE A FREAKING ROLL OF TOILET PAPER WITHOUT ME NAGGING HIM FOR SEVEN HOURS…AGGGHHH!"
"That's the other reason why he left," DB said.
"We kind of figured that," Lance sighed.
"And to make matters worse he's brought along two other gods to assist him!" Anubis groaned. "Basset, the Egyptian Goddess of Cats and Hercules."
"Wait, I thought Hercules was only a half god," Angelica said.
"Well yes, technically…" DB sighed. "It's a real long story. Let's just say he's immortal now and leave it at that."
"Does he look anything like Kevin Sorbo?" Althea asked.
"AL!" Todd snapped.
"What? I'm just asking!" Althea said. "For ID purposes."
"Actually he looks more like the dude who played Ares," DB said. Anubis and Sif glared at him. "What? I got cable. Sue me."
"So you powerful gods want us to track these other powerful gods and find out where they are?" Angelica asked.
"Actually we know where they are," Anubis said. "They're in a town called Bayville in what you would call the state of New York."
"Bayville? You mean the X-Men's hometown Bayville?" Roadblock asked. "The Bayville that gets trashed every other week?"
"Why am I not surprised?" Arcade groaned.
"Let me guess, they're starting there to fight crime and preserve truth and justice right?" Lance asked.
"No," Sif told them. "Because there's a beer drinking contest at a bar there."
"How would they know…?" Shipwreck began.
Everyone looked at DB. "Hey it's like my job to know these things," DB said defensively. "Herc asked me a question. It's not like I knew he was gonna break out or anything."
"Of course he was going to break out!" Sif snapped. "Don't you remember the time he nearly burned down Tokyo because he wanted to try some sake?"
"Okay back up!" Wanda held up her hand. "We're supposed to help you gods track down three other gods who broke out of some other weird dimension in order that they could participate in a beer drinking contest at a bar in Bayville? Does that make sense to anyone here?"
"Actually Basset wants to start a grass roots animal rights coalition there," DB said. "But you're right on with the guys."
"Okay who wants to call up the X-Men and give them the good news this time?" Althea asked.
"Might as well show up on their doorstep and surprise them," Lance shrugged as the Misfits went to get prepared. "That usually softens the blow."
"Yeah and we can see 'em freak out in person," Fred agreed. "Which is a lot more fun. You…uh…Guys wanna join us?"
"Yeah I'm up for a trip," DB nodded.
"Did I hear something about a beer contest?" Shipwreck ran in. "Can I come? Can I come?"
"You're not gonna take no for an answer are you Shipwreck?" DB sighed.
"You know him?" Lance asked.
"I know of him. He's become something of a legend around my circle of friends," DB sighed. "And believe me, with the job I have that's no small accomplishment."
"This information does not surprise me," Xi remarked.
"I'd have been more surprised if he didn't know about him," Althea agreed.
"Who are these guys?" Shipwreck asked. "New Mutants?"
"Ancient Gods," Duke explained. "They want us to track down a few other ancient gods who want to participate in a drinking contest in Bayville. They need our help to corral them and keep them from blowing the town up."
"Okay I know one of us is drunk," Shipwreck blinked. "Is it me again? Cause I don't remember having a drink this morning."
"No, but something tells me we will all be drunk when this is over," Hawk sighed.
"Whatever, I'm in," Shipwreck shrugged.
"Yeah, that's pretty much a given," Duke rolled his eyes.
"Is it me or are our lives getting more and more insane?" Wanda asked.
"I dunno," Arcade shrugged. "I'm getting too far gone to notice."
"This does seem like a rip off of an old 'Daria' episode," Pietro observed.
"Our whole lives seem like a rip off of a cartoon, man," Todd said.
"Training doesn't seem so bad anymore," Lance remarked.
"Neither do those therapy sessions with Psyche-Out," Wanda groaned.