Lost
By 7sTar
Category: Angst
Spoilers: Set at the end of "Home"
Rating: K
Summary: John's thoughts of his sons and his life.
Disclaimer: I don't own all of them, I write only for fun. Please don't sue me.
It's over. Everything has gone. The fire demon. The spirit of Mary. And my dear sons, Sam and Dean.
Hearing the steps of Missouri, I know they all have gone left me behind on this god-forsaken room, watching, waiting, thinking and self-abusing. I sit in the same place for nearly three hours, sitting, watching, thinking, never been interfered. No one can interfere me. They don't know I'm here, so close to them.
But I know they are here. My sons, Sam and Dean. I checked the voice mail Dean sent me. My heart sank as I heard the helpless, desperate and appealing in his almost choked voice. He's used to taking me as his crutch. Everything about me, what I see, what I do, what I feel exercises a great influence on him. I can't imagine what Sam's feel because I figured Dean was the stronger one.
I have been sitting there thinking. The past, the present, and the future. My children, my family and myself. The ticktick from the clock on the wall consorted with my thoughts.
I feel like a fugitive for my children. They're looking for me all the way while I'm hiding here to avoid them. I can't see them, can't talk to them before I find the thing which killed my wife, ruined my life and devastated my family. How much did I want to give my baby Sammy a hug, my first since twenty years or so, how much did I want to tell my children to stop hunting and back home to live a normal life. BUT I can't.
I am helpless to change my fate and my children's. I can see what will happen, what has happened, but not what is happening. I witnessed the rise of my children, and know they were afraid of the unknown sometimes. But I am unable to help. If I could, I would. Instead, I am trapped in this room, devoid of hope and emotion, simply sitting, watching,thinking and waiting.
I would have given them more love, more care and more kindness, before I teached them more. My heart ached as I saw my children walked out of the front door. My body weeped as I heard my sons talked with Missouri about their father. My mind screamed as Missouri asked me why my powerful Sammy couldn't feel his father here. My soul wailed as I watched my kids drove away and never came back again.
I have not yet fulfilled my purpose, my one goal. But I have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I just sit here, rubbing my tired eyes, trapped in an endless thoughts and regrets, never seeing anything clearly enough. Will my children make good use of their inherent power? I cannot loose my faith just as I once told them.
Now I cry voicelessly the tears of apology for my sons.