Disclaimer: I don't own legal rights to Inu-Yasha, this is pure fiction for pure enjoyment.
Dearly Beloved
Third Installment
Inu-Yasha bagged the book and placed it in a corner. When his shift was over, he brought it home with him. He wasn't quite sure if he should show Sesshoumaru before or after he told the story. Should they look it over together or should he check it out before giving it to Sesshoumaru?
In any case, Sesshoumaru wasn't home by the time Inu-Yasha took his shoes off at the door and placed the bag on the table. There was a note on the refrigerator:
Inu-Yasha,
I've gone to my classes. Don't ask why, you idiot. This is a note, and besides, I know you have short-term memory. I simply rescheduled my classes. I should be back by 7:00PM. Go to the grocery store and pick up some eggs, milk, and anything else you think would make decent cookies. The only reason I'm giving you that choice is because it's your birthday, so don't get any silly ideas in that half-bred brain of yours.
—Lovely shopping, Sess
Being used to his brother's sick sense of humor, Inu-Yasha would have given a small smile to this. Would have, if it hadn't been for the fateful events of the day. So, he had some stuff to buy. It didn't look like Sess left any money. Wonderful. He reached into his pocket to see what he had available... except, he didn't have any pockets. His hands were reaching into air. He glanced down and stared dumbly at what was there. He had left his pants and his boxers at the bookstore. He had walked to his car, driven it, and stood all day at the cash register with nothing covering his poor, chilled cojones. Holy shit. Really now. No fucking wonder everyone had been staring at him. And giggling. Hadn't those girls been giggling? Why hadn't anyone told him? He left his damn pants in the damn science fiction aisle. What if somebody found them? Hell, what if a police officer had seen him? Did anybody call the cops?
Well, now that he was in the privacy of his own home...
Tap. Tap tap. BING!
"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Inu-Yasha jumped. Great. Someone at the door. Was it that scary? Well, wearing a plain old t-shirt in public hadn't seemed scary to him at the time, but... He had to get something on and NOW!
BING!
"Just a moment!" He ran into his bedroom like he was being chased by the tax man. Seriously. He had a dream about that once...
BING!
He made it to his room and slipped on a pair of boxers. He attempted at getting into some jeans, but ended up tripping in his hurry.
BING BING!
Frustrated, he threw the jeans away and grabbed some shorts instead. Those went on much easier, even if it felt a bit awkward. They must have shrunk in the wash... Unless they had belonged to his mother... Whatever. There was no time for th--
BING! BING BING BING! BIIIING!
"I'M COMING, DAMMIT!" He fumbled with the door, gave up, huffed, and tried again. Once he managed to get it open, he went into the hallway, tripped over the carpet, and crawled the rest of the way to the front door. He stood and forced that open as well. Brushing his bangs out of his eyes, he asked, as calmly as he could manage, "Can I help you?" although he was the one that seemed like he needed the help. The man who stood at the door was wearing a blue mechanic's uniform, complete with a matching cap. He smiled and nodded, seeing Inu-Yasha in such a wreck; he looked no older than twenty-five.
"I'm not quite sure, but I believe these are yours?" He held out the very same clothing Inu-Yasha had left behind at Barnes and Noble. "I just found them in a bookstore and found what looked like a salesman's nametag in the back pocket...Inu-Yasha Taisho's your name?" Inu-Yasha turned as pale as paper.
"Uh, yeah. Those are mine. Thank... you." It took a lot of effort to talk. Should he consider himself damned or blessed? ...Damned, definitely damned. That monster had touched those garments. He didn't want to look at them, didn't want to touch them, but he took them anyway, in courtesy. "Thank you, uh..." Reading the name tag on the man's uniform. "...Miroku." His valiant knight and holy savior of the day smiled widely at him.
"You're very welcome, Inu-Yasha. I must say, it was entertaining to see you walking around so casually. Did you mean to streak or did just lose your pants without noticing? You should have seen the looks on the young ladies' faces. Oh my, what a treasure! I was just looking for a book on diesel engines when one exceptionally beautiful young girl beside me brought your clothes to my attention. She had the loveliest..." Realizing he was rambling and about to say something crude in front of a complete stranger, Miroku cut himself off and changed the subject. "Glad I could be of service. You're very welcome to call me if you need anything else." That said, he handed Inu-Yasha a card, complete with his address and phone number. There was also a website at the bottom, in very small print. Inu-Yasha stared at it while Miroku went on his way. That... had been awkward.
"Inu-Yasha, why are you staring at me like that?" asked Sesshoumaru, mixing the cookie batter with expertise. Inu-Yasha had attempted to do it himself earlier, but, this not being his day, had spilled the entire contents of the bowl, knocked the eggs on the floor, and gotten the whole carton of milk dumped on his head. He would never, ever place the milk on top of the microwave again. Sesshoumaru had cleaned it all and then went to the grocery store to replace the ingredients they had lost, suprisingly not getting angry in the least bit. He could be such an angel sometimes. Or... he was just trying to keep that reputation of being an emotionless ijit. Yeah. Probably the latter. Though, that didn't really stop Inu-Yasha from questioning his brother's humanity. There had been more and more moments when he showed almost staggering amounts of compassion. Like when...
"Inu-Yasha, are you sleeping?"
"Wh... wha? No. I was just... thinking. What was the question again?"
"Nevermind. Here," Sesshoumaru set the bowl of batter in front of Inu-Yasha and placed a cookie sheet beside it, "take care of the rest while I finish my homework." Inu-Yasha nodded and got to work.
"What's your project on?"
"The use of snake venom as medicine."
"Sounds like fun." He didn't really mean it.
"It is." Sesshoumaru, unlike his brother,was truthful in saying this.
"You're gonna be a doctor, right?"
Sesshoumaru stared at his brother like their father had just introduced them. And that had not been a very fun day. "Why would I do that?"
Inu-Yasha was taken aback. He had thought for sure Sesshoumaru wanted to be a doctor. Hadn't their father always suggested that when they were younger? He vaguely remembered Sesshoumaru holding a knife he stole from behind his step-mother's back, standing over Inu-Yasha and attempting to slice the poor little boy's stomach open. Their father had caught him before it could happen, and had carried a protesting Sesshoumaru away, mumbling something about a surgeon. And another memory—this one happened after the Windex incident. Inu-Yasha had swallowed ant poisoning. He had tried eating the ants, but they hadn't been all that filling, so he settled for the deadly stuff instead. Sesshoumaru was the one to catch him, take it away from him, slap him, and keep him as comfortable as he was able while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Inu-Yasha's mother had gone shopping that day, leaving twelve-year-old Sesshoumaru with seven-year-old Inu-Yasha in the house all alone. Inu-Yasha could remember Sesshoumaru saying, "I wish you could have gotten bitten by a snake instead. I know what to do with snake bites." He had placed a damp cloth on his younger brother's head to cool the rising fever.
"Am I gonna die, Sesshy?" Little Inu-Yasha asked. Though his voice was worried, he hadn't shed a single tear. His head hurt real bad, but the cold cloth was able to give him some relief.
"Maybe," his older brother shrugged.
"Will you put flowers on my grave if I do?"
"Nah. A bottle of Windex would suit you better than flowers. That's how I'll always remember you, anyway."
"Yeah," Inu-Yasha agreed sorrowfully. "The Windex tasted a lot better than the ant poisoning. But I still like chocolate cake more."
"Tell you what," said Sesshoumaru, brightly for his characteristically foreboding disposition. "If you come back from the hospital alive, I'll bake one for you. Okay?"
"'Kay." Just that small promise motivated Inu-Yasha enough to want to live. He wouldn't allow the poison to kill him. And obviously, he lived. And Sesshoumaru had kept his promise. It had been the best cake he ever tasted... Better than the ants and the Windex and the ant poisoning put together. From then on, he refused to consume anything without his brother's approval. Even when he was fourteen, he always made sure to ask Sesshoumaru if the green beans his mother prepared for dinner would kill him, and when Sesshoumaru answered with a sarcastic, "Yes, they will. That's why I'm eating them; so I can die and get away from you," Inu-Yasha had nodded and said, "All right. I guess I'll eat them, too. You might get lonely in Hell what with nobody to give you an ego boost every fifteen minutes." His mother rolled her eyes and commented about how Sesshoumaru should never be a doctor if he told his patients things like that.
Inu-Yasha had always thought Sesshoumaru would be a doctor. He always took care of the neighbors' cats. Later on, he developed an allergy to the cats, but he still took care of them, despite how much of a health fanatic he was.He was appalled at how vague they were in school about health. Health class had been the worst for him. He said the most productive thing they had done in old obnoxious Mr. Hodge's class was study AIDS, and that was only because old obnoxious Mr. Hodge had plenty of videos on that.To hear that becoming a doctor was in fact the last thought in Sesshoumaru's head was staggering. It was like... his destiny. (E/N: ...Mr. Hodge? Gee, I could have SWORN I've heard that name before... hmm. Maybe I'm wrong.) (A/N: ...Yes, SesshouMario, Mr. Hodge... I'm sooo subtle with these messages, man.)
Shaking himself out of his flashback, Inuyasha asked his brother nervously, "Well, uh, I dunno. Why would you do that?" He felt ashamed that he would have assumed such a thing in the first place.
"Besides," Sesshoumaru continued without noticing his brother's agreement, "there are thousands of categories of doctors. What kind were you thinking of?"
Inu-Yasha blushed. "You know, like... a... family... doctor." Shit. The idea of Sesshoumaru being a family doctor was highly laughable. But, to his surprise, there was no laughter or scorn. Inu-Yasha put the cookies in to bake. There was no talk for a good while. Sesshoumaru finished his project, stapling the twelve-page essay complete with cover page and bibliography, and placing the poster for his oral report by the front door. At last Inu-Yasha popped open a can of soda with lime flavor and a question, "Hey, Sess... if you're not gonna be a doctor... why are you in medical school?"
"I was fooling with you, dumbass. You seriously are the most gullible person I've ever met."
"Oh." Pause. "That was MEAN! I really thought you meant it! Bastard!"
"Oh, now, now, Inu-Yasha, no need to be so upset."
"No, I mean it! That was cruel! Beyond cruel! You're always playing with my head!"
"Then it should not have come as a surprise. You really are an idiot, Inu-Yasha. I don't see why you should make a fuss. Of course, that only proves your severe lack of maturity. You're an adult now. You should begin acting like one. Imagine the influence you have on young children." That word, "children," caused something to click in Inu-Yasha's mind.
"So I was right? You are going to be a family doctor!"
"Hell no. Try brain surgeon. Then I would really be able to mess with your head."
"You suck, Sesshoumaru! You're so frickin' gay!" In frustration, Inu-Yasha stormed out of the kitchen and into his bedroom. Why, oh God, why did Sesshoumaru always have to tease him in this way? And during such a bad day, too! Well, to be honest he wasn't as upset as he acted. It was just one of those brotherly mind games. He sat not on his bed, but beside it on the floor.
Brotherly mind games, huh? Then what did that really mean? They were brothers, yeah, duh, but even when they were young, there just seemed to be a little more there. It wasn't exactly friendship—they would never be able to be friends, their brotherly bond dominated over any friendship which happened to blossom between them—but something deeper, more emotional. More... eternal. Something they would never be able to rid themselves of, something which would always and forever remain unspoken, untold, yet always known; if not by just them, then by the few people able to become close to them. And of course this led to the question: what was it? What had caused his elder brother to kiss him that first time years and years ago? And what had caused him to accept it instead of squirming away and making a fuss like he would have had he been kissed by any other boy? This had not been any friendly kiss on the cheek, oh no, this had been a real kiss. All he remembered from it was the warmth he received from knowing his brother was there for him, as well as, strongly, the desire for it to happen again, but he had put it off until his mother's death. What would his mother have done had she seen her son and stepson kissing? She wasn't a homophobe when she was alive, or she would not have been so kindly to Inu-Yasha's lesbian cousins. But these were half-brothers we were talking about. Different mothers or not, they shared about half of the genetic traits within their bodies, and...
Did that really matter? It's not like they could reproduce. The likelihood of Inu-Yasha becoming pregnant just because his brother's semen happened to go up his asshole once or twice (or three times, he might recall, but he was drunk then and the details were fuzzy) was a scary number in the negatives. And they had different mothers, so it's not like they really came from the same place; they were just made of similar materials, and wasn't that how it went for everyone when you truly took the time to think about it? Right, so then, there was really only the problem of...
Being gay. He was gay. With his brother. Gay with his brother. Holy shit! He was fucking gay with his brother! What the hell was right about that! Nothing, absolutely nothing! Why the hell didn't God strike him dead now! HE WAS GAY WITH HIS BROTHER! EEEWWWW! That was so gross. What was he thinking? How could he ever believe that such a thing was all right? What was wrong with him? What if someone found out? What would his father say? Ew, ew, ew, ew, eeeewwwww...!
"Inu-Yasha! Get your stupid cat out of my room!"
He was pulled out of his panicky thoughts and sat there, dumb and unresponding. What was Sess talking about? All he knew was that his name had been called. He stood up and opened his bedroom door, timidly poking his head out. "Yes?"
Sesshoumaru was standing out in the hall holding a tissue to his nose, trying to breathe.
"Get. Your. Cat. Out. Of. My. Room. NOW."
Inu-Yasha paused to take in the situation. Cat... Sess's room... Sess was allergic to cats... Which they had discovered only after he had cared for Mr. Sprinkles, Mrs. Carter's tabby, for a dozen times... Ooohhh.
"Sure. No problem." He traveled upstairs. It was such an agonizing journey.
"Hey, Skitters, you're an unwelcome guest in here. I know you like hiding under Sesshoumaru's bed, but he doesn't like you there. He gets sick after awhile. C'mon, Skitters."
Creaking on the floorboards, the old kitty poked his head out from under the bed. "Come on, Skitters," Inu-Yasha cooed. "Come on, kitty." He bent over and reached out to drag Skitters into his arms, but as he did, the cat scratched at his fingers with a hiss. "Yow! Skitters! What's your problem, man?"
"My problem is," answered the fourteen-year-old cat in a deep, burly voice, "I'm pregnant. Get out of my way, fool."
"But Skitters," said Inu-Yasha in shock, "you're a male kitty. A neutered male kitty."
"And you're a retard with a physical birth defect, but that doesn't stop you from being in love with your brother. Hey, get me some mustard on your way back from downstairs, will ya? I'm feeling in the mood for some yellow ants, ya know? They're a delicacy in Chad."
"Uh, sure." Inu-Yasha stood up and made his way to the door. "But uh, try not to get too much hair over the place. Sess'll flip and you'll be a dried 'shroom like in Paper Mario..."
"Whatever." Skitters turned away. Inu-Yasha bolted downstairs and back to his room. His heart was pounding, but he only realized it once he stopped to think.
"Is that thing out of my room?" Sesshoumaru asked as his brother whizzed by. "I'm beginning to feel dizzy... Inu-Yasha! Stop running! You'll break something! INU-YASHA! YOU DOPE!"
He jumped on his bed and yanked the book Winslow Asparagus gave him out of the bag. He had brought it in here after dinner, to check it out later. Now was the best time to do so if any. Once he relaxed, he opened it up.
CARROT RHYTHM
By Winslow Asparagus
Copyright 1852, published by Yo' Mama Inc.
I dedicate this volume to my favorite couple of all-time, the renowned Lord Sesshoumaru and his delicious little half-brother, Lord Inu-Yasha.
As he opened to the first few pages, the words downloaded onto the paper. Seriously. There was a bar at the top in light blue, labeled "Downloading," measuring the progress of the transfer. Once it finished, set at the top of the page in a box decorated with sparkly flowers, it said,
Good evening to you, sir! My name is Peter, and I am here to inform you about this book! I will be your personal footnote for every entry featured in this one-of-a-kind edition of Carrot Rhythm! You may contact me anytime you have a question about this book by using THIS SPECIAL PEN, designed by Dr. Steve, and writing down your question at the top of the page!
The THIS SPECIAL PEN appeared under the box. Inu-Yasha picked it up and examined it. It was lavender, and decorated with blue butterflies. Dr. Steve's signature could be seen above the tip, reminding you as you wrote of who designed it. More words were being downloaded inside the box, replacing the first message.
This book was brought to you by the combined geniuses of Winslow Asparagus and Yo' Mama Inc. Publishing Center! Only Yo' Mama Inc. features quality conservation through the centuries by constantly updating preservation techniques, giving you, the reader of THE NOW, the opportunity to read all kinds of various materials from THE THEN. Want to know about the weather in Russia of September 9, 1555? Yo' Mama Inc. is the only way to go! No other services offer THIS MUCH for the measly price of YOUR SOUL!
Mwahahahahaha! Just kidding! For just $9.95, you can buy a SECOND EDITION of Carrot Rhythm by Winslow Asparagus and get a third one FREE! Wow! Now that's a lot of rhythmic carrots! Brought to you only by Winslow Asparagus and Yo' Mama Inc.! Imagine that niftiness! Remember, Yo' Mama knows best!
"Uh, yeah," Inu-Yasha was a little stunned. He had been expecting something weird, but not this weird. "So, uh, Peter, what's this about?"
-Ehem-, answered Peter in italic text. WRITE YOUR QUESTION AT THE TOP OF THE FUCKING PAGE!
"Whoa. Okay. Sheesh. Don't run your ink, man. I'm new at this."
Are we all set? Peter asked. Good. Now then, in order to start reading this material, you will need to turn the page!
Inu-Yasha gripped the paper between his fingers and pulled upward, thinking this was a pretty lame way to start, having to be instructed on how to read a book. But... the page wouldn't budge. Puzzled, he wrote out as Peter told him, How do I turn the page?
By picking it up and bringing it to your left, silly! Geez, have you never read a book before? Ha ha! But you'll need a password!
What's the password?
If I told you, I wouldn't be a very good host to my maggot babies, now would I? Hee hee! You're going to have to find out on your own! Here's a hint for you: What's your most FAVORITEST thing in your life right now?
"DAMMIT!" He shut the book and tossed it to the side. "I don't want to deal with this right now!"
"Don't want to deal with what, you spoiled baby?" Judging by the slight nasal-y mask on Sesshoumaru's voice, the cat fur was seriously beginning to take effect on him.
"Yo' Mama!" Inu-Yasha cried. "I don't want to deal with Yo' Mama!" Sesshoumaru recoiled at Inu-Yasha's tone and gave him a quizzical look.
"You've never met my mother, Inu-Yasha. Are you seeing ghosts?"
"No! Not your mama! Yo' Mama!" Frustrated, he grabbed the book and held it open. "See?"
"Inu-Yasha, it's blank."
"Aw, crap. Stupid thing..."
"I think you need a nap. Did you manage to get your feline femme fatale out of my room?" Inu-Yasha growled and glared.
"Skitters is MALE!"
"Oh, really? Then why is he pregnant and demanding mus... tard..." Sesshoumaru stared at Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha opened the book again. He was now guessing at the password. Peter analyzed the data. Sesshoumaru was now wondering how the fat male cat up in his room could be talking and be pregnant...
"Sesshoumaru" is correct. You now have access to Chapter One: There Once Was a Little Pea Pod. Please make sure you read this chapter along with your most FAVORITEST thing in your life. I suggest in the master bedroom under the covers of the big, fluffy bed with some hot cocoa. Then, once you're done reading you can snuggle up real close and—
"Shut up, Peter!" Inu-Yasha slapped the book as though smacking a child for being rude. "You're making Sesshoumaru sound like a whore!"
"What was that?" Sesshoumaru's fingers wrapped around Inu-Yasha's neck in an instant. Looking into his big brother's eyes, Inu-Yasha saw red. He didn't know why. However, this time, he wasn't as scared. Sure, he was being choked, but he just wasn't scared. It seemed fitting that Sesshoumaru's eyes turned red when he was angry.
"It was nothing," coughed Inu-Yasha. "I was yelling at the book. Look at the book now." Sighing, Sesshoumaru loosened his grip and glanced over at Carrot Rhythm. His eyes widened. They were back to their usual thin caramel color. He released Inu-Yasha completely and took hold of the THIS SPECIAL PEN laying on the bed. At the top of the page, as Inu-Yasha's own questions began disappearing, he wrote,
How do you know about us? Who are you? What controls you?
It took a few hesitant moments for Peter to respond. Inu-Yasha watched Sesshoumaru intently. He seemed to know exactly how to use this sort of book. But why? What did he know that Inu-Yasha didn't?
My name is Peter. I work for Yo' Mama Inc. I live in Hell, at the 484th Gate, and am now at my cubicle, sending you information by way of the highest technology of this land. A man called Winslow Asparagus told me about you. Our motto here is to always get to know our customers in order to satisfy them better. Is this satisfactory to you, sir?
Sesshoumaru tapped the pen against the paper in thought. After awhile, he put down, Tell me about Winslow Asparagus.
Peter answered in a series of periods, then erased all else from his box and seemed to scribble hurriedly, ...I am afraid it is not within my duties to tell you what you wish to know. All I can tell you is the biographical information supplied to me in the original text of his application to the company.
Then by all means, begin.
Are you sure, sir? That is what you want to know?
Dare you question my authority again, mongrel, and I shall see to it you no longer possess the ability to function.
Very well, Lord Sesshoumaru. Winslow Icarus Asparagus was born to an American farmer and his wife in 1832, on the southern border of New Hampshire. He grew up in a small town and received a thorough education, which only the wealthiest and the best scholars could be granted. He especially showed an interest in writing, and would prefer to take jaunts far away from home rather than pull weeds and sow seeds. His parents, figuring they could leave the duty of the farm to Winslow's fourteen brothers and sisters, encouraged him into the art, and, when they could afford it, bought him paper and quills as gifts. He was apprenticed as a printer and worked as a journalist when he was older. Carrot Rhythm was his first and only accepted novel. It is about a young girl who one day stumbles upon a mysterious patch of vegetables. All his other books, including the sequel to Carrot Rhythm, Rutabaga Blues, were considered to be too bizarre to publish. He disappeared in 1863.
Peter stopped there. Sesshoumaru closed the book after reading and faced his younger brother. "Where did you get this?"
Inu-Yasha had to stabilize his breath. "Sess... I... It was given to me by... Well, by Winslow Asparagus. Or at least some weird guy calling himself Winslow Asparagus. He... he, uh... said some strange shit to me and then he gave me this book." He, of course, purposefully left out the part about Mr. Asparagus's wonky infatuation.
"What did he tell you?"
"He... He didn't say much. But... he was... excited when he saw my ears. I think he knows something about me. About... us..."
"I suppose he knows our little secret as well, judging by his lovely dedication." Sesshoumaru turned away and flipped back to the cover page. "At least now I know more about him. Was this your first encounter with him, Inu-Yasha?"
"Uh, well, yeah. Why? Have you seen him, too?"
"I have. Three times by now. The first time he gave me the answers to my mid-term test. Not that I needed them; it was his peace offering, he said. The second time he followed me in the grocery store. The third time, he had said something about..." He broke off his sentence. Inu-Yasha looked frightened. "Little brother, I suggest you get some sleep. We will continue to discuss it tomorrow."
"O... okay," Inu-Yasha nodded, dazed and lost in his thoughts. His subconscious mind lured him into bed. Sesshoumaru held the book by his side. He planned to bring it with him back to his room, but then he remembered that Skitters had been in there and was probably still brooding there, so he would be on the couch tonight. Ugh. How lowly. He hated being nice.
"Sesshoumaru..."
Ah. Now he remembered what he wanted to do. Sesshoumaru brought a small parcel from the front pocket of his jeans and placed it on the night stand. He leaned over and kissed Inu-Yasha on the cheek. "Happy birthday."
And then, he turned out the light. Closing the door quietly as he stepped out into the hall, Sesshoumaru went to work in the kitchen. This way, he'd have plenty of coffee to get him through the night. It was study time.
END/InstallmentThree
Editor's notes (from SesshouMario): All I have to say is that Yo' Mama Inc., Winslow Asparagus, and THIS SPECIAL PEN are some of the best things ever brought to this world. Also, kudos to the author for making an unnecessary but fun reference to Paper Mario simply because it rules. I couldn't stop laughing about Yo' Mama. It's just fun to say. Say it. "Yo' Mama." Wasn't that cool? Huh? What am I smoking? Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME for being unique! See ya, and don't forget to review LFM's story (not that I need to say that, looking at the review count.)