A/N: So about two and a half hours ago I got the idea for this song, and then I got the idea for this one-shot, and so I wrote them both. Since I cover a long span of time, when I have new scenes begin I have the first word of the new paragraph in bold. Please review, and if you would for w/e reason want to use the song (not trying to be conceited, just in case, though) all you have to do is tell me what for and as me first. Thanks! Oh, and this is dedicated to lysser, who always reviewed Mommy Never Let Me Play and gave me the courage to post even when I thought it was bad.
You know how it is
You meet someone new
He's yours and you're his
You've got something to do
But you cry, you cry yourself to sleep
Wanting something great
Longing for something deep
Talking to myself… I'm seventeen years old. I'm not some little four-year-old with an imaginary friend. For all I know this could be schizophrenia. Yet, I have to wonder… Jake and I never really talked. He didn't ask about my mom, never thought that maybe one of the reasons that I was so invested in Jenny was because I didn't want her to end up like me. Come to think of it, he never just asked about anything. Why is that? If it wasn't about Jenny, he was complaining about Nikki or we were figuring out how to make something practical work, like how to stretch the food money my dad gave me so that it could cover two and a half people instead of one.
I always assumed that as soon as the whole mess with Nikki was out of the way, we would talk seriously about stuff like my mom or who he really was, behind the single dad routine. Just about anything, really. Before that, I don't know what I was thinking. It was too early to give my heart to the guy, but I could give him my body? There was so little that I actually knew about him. I'd never met his parents. I mean, I wouldn't have wanted him to bring me home or anything, but we were living together; a quick hi to mom and dad might've been kind of nice. In a way I wonder if he knew me at all… the exact words that he used about my art was that it was "me." Yeah, my art is a part of me, but I'm more than that, and to really understand my art you have to understand me, not the other way around. Lucas got that.
Not that I need to be bringing him into any of this… why is it that one little nightmare has so much power over me? I told her we were just friends… but is that really how I think of him? As "just" a friend? We've always been more… just never enough to get somewhere. There was too much holding us back.
Girl, why are you wasting all this time?
Looking for love where it's not,
Being so resigned
To a fate you don't have to own
You know you want him so bad
Just make your feelings known
The thing is, I really don't have time for any of this wishy-washy stuff. Even if I did like Lucas, I couldn't… we couldn't… he wouldn't… at least, I don't think so. I mean, I messed up his relationship with Brooke once before (and my relationship with her while I was at it). I'm not willing to do that again. Do I really have any willpower over how I feel, though? This is such a mess. If Brooke could even tell what's going on inside my head, she would probably flip out. The two of them will end up together. I was a mistake; he said that. Why would I ever show my heart to someone who called me a mistake?
Whenever he's there
Your heart skips a beat
Your soul is laid bare
What's with all this heat?
But he's not yours, not yours at all
He's your very best friend's
And with one slip you could fall
So, maybe school wasn't such a good idea this morning. I mean, I know that showing up isn't optional, but it is my senior year, my last chance ever to cut high school. Suddenly, though, with Lucas walking toward me, I'm glad that I didn't skip. He's smiling, and for a second, I think that I'm the reason he's smiling.
"Peyton, you will never guess what happened. Brooke and I… we got together last night." That was a painfully short second. I try to smile, pulling myself together.
"Luke, that's great. I mean, you're finally getting what you wanted, right?"
"Yeah, I guess I am," he says, his smile dimming for a moment. Brooke comes up and wraps her arms around his middle before walking around and kissing him. They smile and she looks at me.
"You heard the news P. Sawyer?"
"Yeah! Congratulations! I've been waiting long enough," I say, trying to be funny, to somehow make some part of this nightmare worth smiling over. Laughing, they start kissing again. For the first time since Ellie left, I have the urge to cry, and I have to tilt my head down when the tears well up. "Um, I have to be at homeroom early to hand in something, so I'm gonna go now," I comment, waving and walking off. They hardly even notice, I know. When I turn around, though, Brooke is snuggling into him and Lucas is looking at me, questioning me. I look forward and quicken to a near jog, trying to get away from their happiness and my own jealousy.
Girl, why are you wasting all this time?
Looking for love where it's not,
Being so resigned
To a fate you don't have to own
You know you want him so bad
Just make your feelings known
The closer they get, the more I keep my distance. Funny how it is that Brooke never seems to notice me drifting away. Well, once or twice she said that she "wishes I was around more," but I just told her that it was really just her and Lucas becoming one of "those couples." She pretended to be indignant, but I saw the smile on her face.
Once or twice I've seen them have awkward moments. Lucas will be reading something, or something will be wrong, and he'll try to share it with Brooke… to no avail. Or maybe, she'll get upset by something that Rachel did or said, and he'll be so completely indifferent… I know that I shouldn't find it funny, that I must be a terrible best friend to even consider it so. But they just don't get each other.
Haley is over at my house, which is pretty normal for us. She comes over at least once a week and we hook the TV up in my room and pop in a video. After making the popcorn, we'll sit on my bed and make random comments or talk about school. "Peyton…" she says, looking down.
"What is it?" I don't really want to hear what we both know she's going to say. Maybe it needs to be said, though.
"Before Nathan and I got together, you gave me some good advice: you told me to be careful. You never pried, but you gave it to me straight when I asked you. Then later, when there was that whole Chris mess, you gave me another piece of good advice: "You saw how messed up everything got with Lucas and Brooke and I last year…" So now, I'm going to give you some unasked for and probably unwanted advice: be careful."
"Haley…"
"… you don't have to tell me. It's obvious to everyone except Brooke how you feel about him. Lucas would probably deny it if asked point blank, but he knows it. Deep down, I think that he realizes that his feelings for you aren't going to be buried either. I'm certainly not the relationship queen, but I know that you can't just ignore this forever. So, when you're ready to face up to the truth, be careful."
"Can we just watch the movie?" I ask, a catch in my voice. She starts to say something but thinks better of it and nods. "And Haley?" When she looks at me, I shift my eyes downward for a second and then try to smile. "Thanks." She smiles back at me, and we shift our attention to the troubled romances of someone other than ourselves.
Drawing, or "having my coloring time" as Nathan used to call it, has always been the one thing that makes me feel better. I sit down to try and come up with something pretty to give Brooke and Lucas for their two-month anniversary, but instead my pencil is drawing pictures of Lucas and I from this summer: hugging on the beach, laughing in the car, sitting in my room sharing things that we never thought would see the light of day… the tears are spilling down, and I hate that I'm being such a big baby about this. All of a sudden, I hear a knock at the door. I almost expect it to be Luke, but my heart falls as soon as the thought forms, because he never knocks; he's just… there.
"Jake?" I can't think of anything else to say at the sight of him, complete with angry, lurking brown eyes.
"Peyton, I'm so glad I'm back. The farther I got away from you, the more I realized that none of it mattered… Jenny isn't even my daughter. Nikki got a court-ordered DNA test. I'm moving back in with my parents. I just… I just want everything to be good between us again." I shut the door and walk out, trying to form the words to tell him no, that things aren't the same, that he left and that I don't love him anymore, that maybe I never really did to begin with. Instead I just nod. He's kissing me, holding me, whispering over and over how glad he is to be back. I don't feel anything. Except… somewhere deep inside, I'm hoping that when Lucas sees us together in school it hurts him just as much as it hurts me every day to see him and Brooke together.
You wish it was you
With him instead of her
That's why you're so blue
That's why you're so hurt
But you'll never tell him how you feel
'cause he's out reach
And dreams aren't real
I got what I wanted. At school on Monday morning I show up with Jake and a framed, in color sketch of Brooke and Lucas together at the Winter Ball. Lucas looks like I've punched him in the stomach, so instead of catching his eye like he keeps on trying to get me to, I look everywhere but at him. Brooke, of course, is ecstatic. Now that Jake and I are an item, Nathan and Haley, Lucas and Brooke, and Peyton and Jake can all hang out together and do "couple stuff." For some reason, even though Haley tries to subtly suggest that that might not be the best idea and Nathan makes jokes about it that are laced with traces of concern, Brooke is oblivious and plows onward. Soon we're all hanging out at least three times a week, and the way Jake possessively puts his arm around me whenever we're with friends gets irritating.
It was always innocent. Lucas and I would run into each other at the café or in the library, and instead of rushing off to find Brooke and Jake we would sit down and talk or have a cup of coffee, or he would watch me draw or I would draw him reading. Inside jokes abounded, and soon there were a dozen "our song" songs; of course, we didn't call them that, it would've made us sound like a couple.
When he had problems with Brooke or Jake's temper started getting out of line we would somehow find each other. After Nathan and Haley moved back in together, I would be there for Haley and he would show up to hang out with Nathan or vice versa, and the four of us would just stick together. Sometimes I would look up and see him gazing at me with some sort of mix of longing and sadness and regret. Of course, he would always look down. I knew what he was thinking and feeling, though. I'd thought and felt the same things a dozen times a day when I was looking at him: What if things were different?
After awhile, I started withdrawing. Nathan, my "brother" (how is it possible to be like that with someone that you've had sex with?) was the first one to say anything to me, but I knew that Lucas and then Haley had noticed first. "What's up with you, Peyton? You're getting into that whole broody stage again. We passed through that two years ago, remember?"
"Shut the heck up, Nathan. You aren't exactly Mr. Cheery yourself," I snarl, realizing too late that I've just proven his point. "Sorry," I apologize uncomfortably, squirming under his amused smile.
"No, I love it when you get all sarcastic on me. You almost remind me of myself." Giving him a horrendously fake smile and then a pained looking, I studied my calc homework a little more closely than necessary.
"So what did I miss?" Haley asks, walking out of the bathroom.
"We were just talking about Peyton's psychological and emotional problems," Nathan answers matter-of-factly, and Haley laughs before sitting down next to him and cuddling. From my perch at the coffee table, I'm ready to breathe fire.
"Spare me the double-duty from the married kids who still haven't got it figured out."
"You know he's right, Peyton. I'm starting to get worried about you. Well, I've been worried about you. We all know that Nathan's never been the first one to figure things out…" Haley trails off suggestively. He starts tickling her, and I look away, letting them have their moment. They're both right, of course, but I don't want to admit it. That would mean facing my feelings and telling Jake, Lucas, and Brooke the truth.
Girl, why are you wasting all this time?
Looking for love where it's not,
Being so resigned
To a fate you don't have to own
You know you want him so bad
Just make your feelings known
Some nights when I would get home and Jake was there, he would pretend to act interested in where I'd been, what I'd done. Pretend being the key word. As soon as the small talk was over, he would start kissing me, wanting to get to the only thing he considered worth having. Some nights I would have to push him off me and tell him to go home. He would get mad, but on the rare occasion that I would start crying, he would ask me what was wrong. I would just tell him to go away, that he wouldn't understand. There were other nights, though, when I tried to drown myself in the sensation of being with someone else, and I would let him stay, let him think that I wanted it. Because I really did want it. I just didn't want it with him.
Today was the day
You opened up completely
And you heard him say
"You're hurting me"
But then he spoke the words you knew
"You're my other half
And I'm so in love with you"
Letting Jake go was hard, I'll admit it. Brooke came up to me, her face streaked with tears. "Peyton, he broke up with me, again!" She was coming dangerously close to wailing. I shifted uncomfortably, hating that I was embarrassed to have her crying in front of the whole school. A real friend would've only cared that she was hurting.
"Brooke, I'm sorry," I said, giving her a hug. It was the truth; I was sorry, and more than a little shocked. Guiding her over to my car, I drove her to my house and called Haley up. Soon she was over and the two of us were trying to comfort Brooke, one in turn rubbing her back and holding the tissues and the other replenishing the chocolate supply. After a couple of hours, Haley suggested that Brooke spend the night with her when she got a good look at my face, the first one that day.
"Oh, but I don't want to leave Peyton," Brooke sniffled, on the verge of fresh tears.
"I'll be there in a little bit. I have something I need to do," I tell her, tucking her hair behind her ear and seeing them out. My hands trembled as I took hold of the phone, dialing the number I knew so well.
"Hey, Peyton," Jake answered, and I drew in a shaky breath.
"Hey… look, Jake, I need to talk, and I need you to hear me out. The truth is… this isn't working out for either of us. I'm not happy, and I know I'm not making you happy. I think that it would be better if we weren't together anymore."
"Peyton, don't do this…" he whispered, causing a lump to form in my throat. I may not have loved him, but I still felt bad for the guy.
"Jake, I'm sorry, but it's better for both of us this way. I hope you find someone who makes you happy."
"YOU make me happy! What's going on? Talk to me!"
"Bye, Jake," I said quietly, hanging up. Without warning, Lucas was at the door of my room. I knew he would come.
"I don't need to tell you why I'm here."
"No. But you need to leave. I can't do this to Brooke now." I saw the hurt in his eyes but stared into them, trying to make him see what I was struggling to convey.
"Does now mean just for now, or forever?"
"It means that when I think that Brooke's ready, I'll find you. It means that… when I'm ready, I'll come to you. Until then, I need you to wait for me. I know it's not fair, and I can understand…"
"… All you need to understand is that when you're ready, I'll be waiting," he said, and then he left. There was only one thing left to do: wait.
Six weeks passed; six weeks of nursing Brooke back to emotional well-being and only seeing Lucas at Nathan and Haley's house. We both knew deep down that being alone with each other wouldn't be right, not with the way that we felt about each other; because I had realized that it was "we," not just me. So I finally got up the courage to ask Brooke.
"Brooke… I need to tell you something."
"What is it, best friend?" She chirped, looking up at me expectantly.
"I, uh… I have feelings for Lucas."
"What? You two… you cheated with him again? How could… Peyton, I TRUSTED you!"
"Brooke, no! We never did anything. We never even told each other how we felt. For all I know, he could have never liked me. But I'm telling you because… because I'm going to take a chance and talk to him about it. I want your blessing so bad, Brooke, but I'm not going to wait around for it. Please don't make this hard for me!"
"Peyton, I'm not going to make it easy for you! As far as I'm concerned, if you walk out that door, you are no longer my best friend."
"Brooke, I'm sorry. It was too soon…"
"… any time would've been too soon," she cut me off. Nodding, I swiped furiously at the one runaway tear cascading down my face.
"I am sorry, Brooke. I'm just not going to give this up again." I walked out of that room and didn't once look back. Not once.
Girl, why did you waste all of that time?
Looking for love where it wasn't
Being so resigned
To a fate you didn't have to own
You knew you wanted him so bad
Just had to make your feelings known
"Peyton, what are you doing here? It's practically midnight," he whispered groggily when he woke up to the gentle tapping on his door. Stepping into his room, I wrung my hand nervously.
"Luke, I just… I couldn't wait until tomorrow. I couldn't wait another second. I've tried to just think of you as a friend, but it's useless. I'm sorry I waited for so long. I just… I want to be with you." Suddenly awake, he came towards me, lifting my chin up with one hand.
"That was all you had to say. I… I love you Peyton. Not for tonight, not for your body, and not because you're easy. I love you for you, and I love you forever."
"I love you too," I whispered, and he kissed me. Breaking it after a moment, I leaned into him and just let him hold me. "Is it… is it okay if we just talk tonight?" I asked timidly.
"That would be more than okay," he answered, and laying down, he tucked the covers around me. "So how have you been lately?"
"I've been getting tired of waiting. How have you been?"
"Tired of waiting. I would've waited as long as it took though."
"I know." A smile curled on my lips, and I let myself laugh and listen and then talk to him. It was perfect.
You're so in love
He knows all of your secrets
He's been enough
Since the day you first met
And the thrill, the thrill's just getting started
That's how you know
The loss of her was all worth it
We took it slowly. Brooke would've been appalled… of course, we weren't really that close anymore. After awhile she came around and she, Haley and I would hang out occasionally, but it was nothing like old times. It made me kind of sad, but I knew that that was how it should have been. We were going in different directions anyway.
High school graduation marked a new time for everyone. Brooke was going to nurse her injured pride at a small community college in the OC (it was all she could get into with her grades) and transfer to a fashion design school after the first semester or so. Nathan had gotten into NYU, and Haley had opted for Juliard. It was her dream. It was his dream. They'd finally found a way to mesh the two. Lucas and I… we were going in different directions. I found a good art school in New York that I could afford, and the chance was too good to pass up. Likewise, when he got into Yale… I wasn't going to tell him not to go. Some sacrifices, however hard, are necessary when you love someone.
Girl, why did you waste all of that time?
Looking for love where it wasn't
Being so resigned
To a fate you didn't have to own
You knew you wanted him so bad
Just had to make your feelings known
"It won't be so bad, Peyt. I have a full-ride scholarship, and once I get a job I'll be driving down every weekend."
"In that rusty old pick-up that Keith gave you?"
"Hey, I paid for it, and it's not so bad. We fixed it up and when I come down for the first time I'm going to have you supervise painting it." I laughed into his arm, stopping in front of the movie theater.
"Lucas… long distance doesn't work. I mean, I'm not saying that… that you should change your plans. That's not realistic, and it's not fair. But there aren't any art schools up in the northeast, either. I'm scared."
"We're going to make it. You'll hardly know that I'm gone, we'll be wearing out our cell phones so much. We'll find a way to make it work." I nodded, dreading the what-if of if we couldn't make it work long distance. We kept on walking, enjoying the day.
"This is a really nice place, Peyton. You're so lucky. Dorms for married students are even worse than the ones for single students," Haley said, setting down the last box as Nathan flopped down on the couch.
"It wasn't that hard; most of my relatives felt guilty for not really being around after my mom died and when my dad found out that between the trust funds my mom and Ellie each left for me and the money I made with TRIC I could actually pay for college, he felt bad. I just asked them all for money, and I got a good apartment in a not-so-terrible neighborhood." Shaking her head, Haley, ever the frugal one, moved towards the door.
"Well, we need to go shopping for paint. You should take a nap," she said, sharing a secret glance with Nathan.
"What are you two so weird about?"
"Call us later if you want to go out," Nathan said, shutting the door behind Haley. I sighed, sitting down for a moment.
"I can't unpack when I'm like this. I'll just take a nap and then call Lucas." Making my way to my door, I got the shock of my life. Standing behind it was Lucas Scott. "What… what are you doing here?" I sputtered, starting to cry after I kissed him.
"Well, let's see…. I realized that the woman I loved was scared out of her mind about being apart from me, and a millisecond later I realized that I was even more terrified. Lucky for me, Dan still owes me a couple favors due to the dirt I have on him, and since some students had dropped out at the last minute, Columbia had an opening."
"But what about your dream?"
"My dream is to be here with you. Well, not here; I do have my own place at least." Not trusting myself to speak the words, I kissed him soundly and laughed.
"I love you," he whispered, fingering my hair.
"I love you," I answered.
And that was enough, just like it had always been.
Just had to make your feelings known…
Now you're with him and he's with you…
And that's exactly my whole point…
It was destined from the start