I do not own the characters, most of them are (c) Naughty Dog, and others like Uzla, Yelena and 5S are completely fictional (like something wouldn´t be here...)

Thanks for the reviews; Suta-Alpha Wolf, Afeenaninganing and jaklover123! Means a lot for me!

And to jaklover123:

Sorry, I should have explained it better. Since I saw Jak for the first time, I always thought that he was a fake blonde. So, "now" he has a completely green hair. But don´t worry, he´ll blonde it! (grin) I just can´t let Jak stay as un-blonde, can´t I?

Da: "They ruined my name!"

Sipuli: "Not again…"

Da: "How dare they? They ruined my name!"

maestro: "What is it?"

Sipuli: "Somehow one third of Da!´s name vanished –"

Da: "THEY RUINED MY NAME!"

maestro: "Oh, a big thing. Ommm –"

Da: "How dare you do that ommm ommm stuff at a moment like this! I want a revenge! The vengeance of Da exclamation point will be horrible!"

Sipuli: "What are you gonna do? Stick a blow dryer into their asses, eh?"

Da: "Yes, and much more. I will… I will… I will give them a 70's rock'n'roll –haircut! Yeah!"

Sipuli: "Wooh. That will surely knock their knees."

Da: "Aha."

maestro: "He never learns…"

Lucius: "WEEEEEEEEHEHEHEEEEEE!"

maestro: "Aaaaak!"

Sipuli: "Woaaaaah!"

Da: "Eeeeek!"

maestro: "Lucius Hip, what the hell do you think you are doing?"

Lucius: " I took a dive from the super conscious!"

maestro: "You were in superconscious!"

Sipuli: "Oh no… Let's have a look to the story, quick!"

Da: "Oh no part two! It's already online!"

maestro: "What! No! Lucius Hip, you shall pay for this!"

Lucius: "No, not the wand!"

a scene deleted due to the violent scenes

2. Tester & Daxess

"Slept well, Jaky-boy?" Daxter shouted, "wow, Tattooed Wonder's clothes fit you. You've grown!"

"Yeah, I slept well", Jak lied while entering a spotlessly clean room you could hardly imagine to become a sinful, neonlit booze paradise after eight o'clock. He hadn't slept at all, listening to "Tattooed Wonder's" sleeping all the night on the floor, being too afraid to fall asleep just if the snoring faery on the other side of the room had just faked his reunion happiness ("Am I the only one noticing someone getting a bit paranoid?" Light asked innocently). "I think I'm actually wider than he, I've to keep this jacket open. And yes, I've grown."

"Yey, means a higher view for me!" Daxter leaped onto his shoulder, "hey, where's my parade chair?"

"What?"

"Your shoulder armour."

"Upstairs."

"Now get it down so I can ride you! I've missed it", Daxter jested, "oh fine then, good to have you back." Daxter suddenly closed Jak's head into a hug.

"Dax?" Jak was touched. Daxter hugged him? Torn had hugged him! He clumsily rose his hand and stroke Daxter, "good to see you, too, buddy."

"And now, I shall go searching a band for the weekend. A moment without rain must be used", Daxter said hopping onto the counter, "I'd ask you to come, but Sig's flyer only fits two."

"How's Sig?" Jak asked, "and bet you could ride my shoulder instead of having a whole seat."

"That seat is for… Well", Daxter smirked, "you remember Rayn?"

"Krew's daughter?"

"Yes. She and Sig met in the Armament Committee –"

"They're in a Committee!"

"Yeah, in the Armament Committee. They made some new laws of having guns and so on, like I think ya should register your peace maker."

"Register my peace maker?"

"Yes. I could take it with me and Sig would put it in the papers. Whatcha say?"

"Well… Sorry, Daxter, I'd rather give it straight to Sig. I remember what happened last time –"

"I was blotto! Don't judge me for that!" Daxter grumbled, "OK, where was I? Oh, in the Committee: Sig and Rayn were both chosen there, they aren't in the Government."

"And?"

"They fell in love! Crash! Boom! Bandicoot!"

"When?"

"Well, Sig told me that during the first day."

"No no no, how long ago?"

"About eight months ago or somethin'", Daxter said and disappeared behind the counter only to return with some papers, "let's see… Tess-honey?"

"Darling?" a voice was followed with a horrible screech of metal against ice.

"Have we had Thunderbolt already? I get a feeling we have, but it ain't –"

"The one with that horrible bitch as a singer?"

"The one with double-D."

"Yep."

"Okay, thanks, honey. What are you doing by the way?"

"Digging bottles of Praxis out of nuclear winter. I can't deice the box six, the system's broken."

"You need me there?"

"I'll survive, but thanks for asking!" Tess chirped with a screech, "be careful out there, Daxybaxy!"

"Daxybaxy?" Jak whispered with a smirk on his face.

"Rhymes well with sexy", Daxter snapped but looked very embarrassed.

Suddenly a familiar voice roared from the speakerboxes: "Chilipepper!"

"I'll get my peace maker", Jak said in an enthusiastic tone.

"Fine", Daxter said watching his friend jumping over the counter and rushing for the locked door.

"Chilipepper?"

"Sig, wait a second", the ottsel murmured even though the voice weren't going out.

"Got no whole day, Rayn's got a manicure waitin'."

"And Sig's got a pedicure!"

"Honey, could we keep dat part a little bit less loud, right? It's like, I have an image…"

"Jak? Ya coming?" Daxter laughed.

"Yeah!" Jak hollered, awakening a frustrated roar from the room.

"I'm a lodger!" Torn shouted, "I didn't pay for a morning show!"

"You've already slept eleven hours, you slacker!" Tess shrieked and hit her crowbar against the ice and caused a horrible skreak which made Torn roar again, "get up!"

"It's always like this", Daxter said still laughing, but this time with a riant shine in her eyes, but Jak didn't feel joyful inside. He was happy indeed for his best friend, and that's why he forced out some chuckling, but deep inside he felt like left outside utterly alone.

"You are not alone", a comforting voice said in his head.

"Yeah, you've got us!" a malicious one continued, "I've said this before, get back to Spargus –"

"Cheeeleeepeppaaarrr!" a speakerbox roared.

"I'm coming", Daxter moaned over, opened the door of Naughty Ottsel and made a drama-like gesture, "Sig, here I am."

"Wasn't dat worth waitin'", Sig snapped while smirking, "wha'took ya so long?"

"He", Daxter kicked the another door open, "and his peace maker."

"Well hello hello, who do we have here? A rookie cherry number one."

"Hi, Sig!" Jak smiled, "and Rayn, nice to see you again."

"It's my pleasure", Rayn said.

"So ya came back, cherry, or just visiting?"

"Guess I came back and Daxter told me I should register my gun."

"Oh yes, all the DG guns must be registered", Rayn explained, "DG like damage. Peace makers, scatter guns…"

"She sayin' ev'rything you eva liked", Sig interrupted, "so chilipepper, better dig out ya guns."

"I've only got this with me", Jak said, "do you wanna take it?"

"Surely we can, but doncha expect it to come back to you tomorrow, we've got today other plans", Sig and Rayn changed an affectioned look and snogged, "this bunny's got her wires all electrified after she's got new claws."

"No, it's not my nails, it's your feet", Rayn said seductively and Sig gave him an angry look.

"'Kay, so here it is", Jak gave the gun for Sig while trying to keep his pokerface. Daxter jumped into the flyer and climbed sitting on Sig's shoulder.

"I'll be back, Jak-boy. See ya!"

"You just feel it's necessarily important to jump, bounce, scream and shout?" Torn growled from behind the counter where he was sitting on a stool, "it's only midday!"

"The door, honey", Tess hollered and climbed onto the counter, "Ottsel's closed now."

"Sorry", Jak turned back and locked the shielded door.

"We are very cautious", Tess explained while having an ottsell-sized screwdriver, "we've achieved so much – and got many enemies. At least five saloons have gone bankrupt as we stole the customers."

"So you are the most popular saloon in Haven?"

"I proudly attest that rumour to be true", Tess giggled and then threw a little paper umbrella at Torn's ear, "Sleeping Beauty, no snoring on my counter, especially with nipples exposed."

"Tess", Torn muttered and turned his forehead to another cubitus, "the new boy causes me a sleep disturbance."

"Whatever son of a gun, get up! Up!"

They kept going with this fake fight for moments and Jak tried his best not to stare at Torn's nude upper body. Suddenly Tess stopped torturing Torn's ear with an ice cube and screamed, "Jak!"

"What?" startled faery boy squeaked.

"You're wearing Torn's clothes."

"Yes, he is", Torn murmured and used the opportunity to close his eyes.

"Why? Didn't you bring any other clothes than that cloak?"

"Well, I wore clothes underneath that, but…"

"They were drenched", Tess finished, "of course. So…"

"…?"

"We'll go shopping!" she smiled.

"What?" both men in the room rouse their heads and looked at Tess like she´d be a six-headed, dark green and slobbering monster demon with a five feet long thorny dildo growing from her belly button.

"Yeah", Tess said, "Jak needs clothes, Torn needs fresh air and I need my daily shopping quota! And also… Did you tell him about Tester, Torn?"

"Tester? I didn't."

"Great!" Tess giggled, "Jak, you'll drive my Hell Cat, Torn, you'll get dressed up."

"No way."

"You have a Hell Cat!"

"Yes way, yes we do."

"Aarh!"

"Wow! How?"

"Quickly! It was in sale."

Torn rose up and trudged pass the freezers, giving Jak a sight to his gray boxer briefs before slamming the armour door shut, mumbling something about "good to have you back... This new boy causes me a headache…"

"He'll come!" Tess yelled smiling, "so, let's get to our garage."

"You've got a garage!"

"Of course. Every happy house needs a garage."

"I didn't know Naughty Ottsel would have –"

"It's not Ottsel's!" Tess shook her head, "man you are out of time. Daxter and I have built a house behind Ottsel. It will be our home – and also Torn's, Jinx's, Onin's and Keira's home. If you want, there's a room for you, too."

"You have a house!" Jak was shocked.

"It's not ready yet, we'll let you other people in when it's absolutely ready. Still needs some tiles and parquetry, and also the glass canopies are still on their way."

"GLASS CANOPY?"

"In plural", Tess said, "Daxter has a very good sense of interior design, you know? He made the plans while Torn drew them. It all came down into my light touch of a woman, and then, we hired a company to build it."

"How long has it been built?"

"It's been built since my birthday."

Jak didn't ask when it was. He had never been good with days, but now he had forgotten all birthdays and other days completely.

"You two have money to thrash?" Jak said in disbelief. Daxter living large? He remembered how the orphan-not-yet-an-ottsel Daxter had promised him, himself and Keira to build a castle someday. Needless to say, Keira and he had just laughed at him.

"Well, in the end Ottsel is the most popular saloon in the town."

"You've made this much money in a year! With… this place!"

"No, not at all", Tess laughed, "first of all we had Krew's money –"

"Daxter said it was all gone!"

"He lied", Tess smirked, "believe me, you'll get an answer why. So, we had Krew's stuff, then Ottsel did great in our possession, and then we have launched some new stuff. We just haven't told you, 'cause we wanted to build that house. It was our common dream. If we had told you how wealthy we were, we had been forced to buy you all expensive gifts, give you loans and so on… No we have the house, so we can ask you all to live within its walls and then give you loans and gifts and so on."

"Yeah", Torn smirked and locked the armour door, now wearing a jacket just like the one he wore for years (and which Tess had thrown to garbage because of the smell) but this one was black – of course companied with the red scarf. Jak felt himself a bit naked with his (or Torn's) jacket open and nothing underneath it. "It's three storeys, higher than Ottsel, and has a garden in the highest floor. This is a secret but…" Torn leaned towards Jak's ear, "moreover the garage and cellar, the basement also includes a small jail."

"A jail?"

"Shh!" Tess hissed and smirked, "that's not legal, you know, but we put it there only for our personal security. And also, Daxter loves jails, you know, he likes the chains and I like the bars –"

"Over sharing!" Torn interrupted, "just because I begin to live with two furballs, doesn't mean I want to know what these two do to satisfy themselves."

"I've heard you satisfy yourselves far too many times!" Tess yelled, "you're such a loud rain cloud!"

"Tess! I don't want you telling me about my sexual behaviours –"

"Or the lack of them! What's your problem? Sex is free and fun, why can't you talk –"

"Sex is private and personal!"

"Chastity chestnut!"

"Nympho!"

"An honest one!"

"Can't disagree!"

"Eeh", Jak tried to interrupt, "how bout…"

"Let's go!" Tess screamed, "to the garage!"

"So, choose the ones you want!" Tess said.

In front of them was a wall full of clothes. Quite phunky and stylish clothes. Jak could have thought of wearing them, but the price tags changed his mind.

"Tess!" he groaned, "I have no money for this!"

"You think you should tell him?" Torn asked Tess.

"Actually no", Tess said, "I'll go to talk to Yelena. She had found an interesting band for Ottsel. Called Syndicate of Superior Stingers with Six feet long Saberteeth, also known as 5S. A band with a name like that can not be wasted. So, you explain him", Tess disappeared behind the clothe racks.

"So…?" Jak looked at Torn who was sitting in a public arm chair.

"Those are Testers."

"What? These clothes?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"Think of the name."

"And?"

"Tester."

"And?"

"Blonde."

"What the hell are you waiting me to get, dreadlock!"

"Tes – ter. Like Tess and Daxter."

"A-and?..." Jak stared at the clothes, "this surely can't be… It can't, right?"

"Can."

"You're not the only one who isn't that pleased of this shopping trip, so stop trying to be pre-Haven-me."

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"What have these clothes got to do with Daxter?"

"He designed them. Actually Tess designed them, but Daxter made some details and also he almost entirely designed the underwear for women. They are pretty raunchy…"

"Daxter builds a house? Daxter designs women's underwear?"

"Oh, wait til you get the third one to that list."

"What's that?"

"Well, let's just say that it might interest you more than these clothes."

"What is it?"

"Not gonna tell you. Tess can do that by herself."

"Please! Now tell me!"

"It's called Daxess All Areas. That's all I'll tell you. Now, anything else about Tester?"

"Ehm… How…?"

"They were manufactured in Michoz. They were modelled on me, Jinx, Sig, Keira and Rayn. They're the cool new shit in the town, or whatever it's called."

"…"

"Speechless?"

"…"

"Fine."

"…"

"Now if you're devolving into the mute one Keira and Daxter talk about…"

"I wasn't mute", Jak defended, "I just didn't mind of talking that much."

"We won't get out before you've got enough of clothes to satisfy Tess. So, better make your pick."

"Have I told you already that I'm a horrible shopper?"

"It shows."

"…"

"You find something interesting?"

"…"

"Mute."

"…"

"Okay", Torn rose up and came next to him, "what do you like?"

"I don't know", Jak confessed, "I am a horrible shopper."

"Mar with a blaster, just try something. Grab a garment, go to fitting booth, take a look in a mirror and say 'yes' or 'no'. Understood?"

Jak gave him a slightly frightened look.

"Mar on a roto, a guy has saved the world thrice, and has defied the great armies of Metal Heads and Dark Makers, and then… Look! He's afraid of clothe shopping!"

"Torn", Jak moaned, "this is just new to me. I've never shopped for myself. Clothes."

"Fine", Torn took a few steps before, "your size was?"

"I dunno."

"Same as mine except for a wider chest and shoulders", Torn muttered measuring Jak with his gaze, making him feel naked again, "what colour do you wish to wear?"

"It's all same to me."

"Green? Blue? Red? Black? White? Beige?"

"Blue, maybe", Jak said trying to think what 'beige' meant.

"Okay fine. Take this… And this… And this… No, gave it back, was the wrong size", Torn threw him clothes, "take this... Take this… Take this and this and this and those. And now – this, too. And now, the fitting booth."

"…"

"There, hint hint."

"I have no money to this!"

"You're a friend of furballs, right?"

"I s'pose."

"Ever heard of price cut?"

"But still, I didn't take lots of cash –"

"Get in the booth, soldier!"

"So, what have you found?" Tess chirped, "having good time, boys?"

"Yes", Torn smirked, "honestly, he's not."

"I don't like this", Jak groaned, "look at it!" he pulled the curtain open wearing a crimsom shirt with long sleeves with stylish quilting and cutting.

"Oh, you look fab in that!" Tess continued chirping, "the price is only 23 of what it is really, thanks to me."

"It's red."

"It's fab, trust me."

"I don't wanna wear anything fab…"

"It suits like Metal a Head!"

"But it's red."

"What's the problem? Your hair is green and that's the complementary colour of red so they both will look bolder!"

"I'm a murder, I don't wanna shine out, and I want to be blonde again –"

"Well, then I'll get Uzla book you into Salon Giselleyh", Tess said, "that's one of the nicest salons in the city, not far from here. It will probably took a few days, but I'm sure they'll find time to dye you."

"Tess…"

"Just take it", Torn snapped, "it's great on you."

"Really?"

"Whatever, but it takes us one step closer to the street door."

Torn wasn't an experienced clothe shopper, and it showed. Most of his random picks didn't suit Jak too well, but in the end (after Tess had chosen a couple of clothes ("A couple?" Torn moaned, "I had to carry them and they weighed for a ton!")) the female ottsel was happy with Jak's new wardrobe.

"You guys get these into the Hell Cat while I pay ém" she chirped and took Jak's wallet from Torn's jacket's inside breast pocket – making the faery feel naked again. After all, Jak wasn't an exhibitionist enough to show his nipples for all the folks.

"Sure", Torn growled, "slaver."

"I heard that!"

"Oops", Torn rolled his eyes, "let's go clotheboy!"

"This wasn't my idea!" Jak apologised, "trust me, I didn't exactly like it."

"I know, don't take any stress about it", Torn said and threw the paper bags into the Hell Cat.

"Well, you sounded like it was my fault", Jak followed him and then climbed into the vehicle, "you have bad habit to make people feel bad."

"Thanks", Torn suddenly sounded harsh and bitter, although Jak had only meant it to be a joke, "that really sounded good to me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean –"

"Whatever", Torn started the Cat, "where's the blonde shopping bitch again?"

"The shopping bitch is here", Tess screamed and jumped in, "and it's Miss Bitch to you. Now, get us to the Daxess, driver."

"Wherever you wish to, honey", Torn grumbled from between his teeth.

"This is Daxess!" Tess exclaimed, leaving Jak shocked.

"Porn?"

"Tits and dicks. Let's get in!"

"No pun intended", Torn said.

"You do porn?"

"No we don't. Daxter just… Well… Torn, could you open the door?"

"Yes, ma'am", Torn moaned, "not just a lodgie, a slave, too."

"Hi Eurnie!" Tess yelled at a man who was reordering a shelf full of small plastic boxes, "so, Jak, Daxter realised that when voice can be recorded on a disc, why couldn't picture be?"

"A picture disc?"

"A disc for moving pictures! Moving!" Tess exclaimed joyfully, "and, as it was his idea and he took out patent for it, he gets paid for every disc sold."

"Where can these… moving pictures… be shown?"

"I bet you'd like to know that", Torn smirked. His mood had got better after they had got out of the morbid atmosphere of the rag boutique and his bad mood surprise in the Hell Cat had vanished like a lurker into a pond of dark eco.

Tess giggled, "Torn has a collection of these on his own, believe me. They can be shown on a high-resolution holoscreen, which by now is a bit rare, which limits the marketing, but the price of the screens gets lower by a day and people have more and more of them."

"Could you record something else than porn on these discs?" Jak said and couldn't help but stare at the cover picture of one box.

"That's Daxter's fave", Torn whispered into his ear, "but don't tell Tess."

"Well, in theory, but who would like to watch that?" Tess explained, "discs are great for messages and porn. That is that."

"Fine", Jak muttered and stared at another beauty in another sleazy pose.

"We've got that one, too", Torn hissed and Jak couldn't help but to smile.

"Daxter doesn't do these –"

"Because Tess won't let him", Torn whispered.

"- but he gets paid every time another movie comes out."

"So", Torn made a summary, "Tester and Daxess have taken Haven like a storm and they're the poo."

"The poo?" Jak blinked his eyes.

"The shit."

"What is this excrement-thing?"

"Honestly, I don't know", Torn rolled his eyes, "that's just what's said and Daxter has got me infected of it."

maestro: "Hmmm…"

Da: "I quite liked it."

maestro: "Liked it! Well, not a miracle. When did you push the nipples and boxers into it? Now everyone thinks it is a slash!"

Da: "Why can't it?"

Sipuli: "Because we three win you, platinum!"

Da: "Phobes!"

Sipuli: "Oh looks like Lucius has stopped from bouncing from the walls! What's that thing?"

Lucius: "A bruise."

Sipuli: "No, not that. That!"

Lucius: "A broken rib?"

Sipuli: "No, the one you're hanging by."

Lucius: "A bungee chord."

maestro: "Lucius."

Lucius: "Yes, mister one-with-a-DG-weapon?"

Da: "It's not a DG, it's a magic staff - isn't it?"

maestro: "Who had have you a permission to go and turn the chapter two into a campy fiasco?"

Lucius: "If it eases your pain, I thought about you while writing the chastity chestnut –part!"

Da: "Here we go again… Sorry folks, these two always fight… Bye!"

Lucius: "No, get it off from me! NOOOOObangOOOOObangOOOO…"

Sipuli: "And he banged at the walls ever after. Bwahhahhahhahhaa!"