Cosmic Power is A Tricky Thing
"Let me see if I get this straight," Hawk held up his hand. He was in his office with the Misfits and their handlers. "Shipwreck you and the Triplets met an alien being with immense cosmic powers. So instead of telling me, your commanding officer…You bring him back to the base, right to the Misfit House…Right inside the Pit… and you get him drunk? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Basically yeah," Shipwreck nodded.
"WHOOOPIE!" The Silver Surfer flew upside down next to the window.
"I see," Hawk said calmly as he looked outside. "I'm just curious Shipwreck but maybe you could explain to me why you did this? I mean what was your thought process that led you to the conclusion that getting an alien drunk was a good idea?"
"Well," Shipwreck scratched his head. "He seemed depressed. I wanted to cheer him up."
"COWABUNGA BABY!" The Silver Surfer whooped as he sailed by again. He was wearing yellow boxer shorts with smiling faces on them.
"I have to admit it worked," Hawk said with a straight face.
"I gotta admit General you're taking this awfully well," Roadblock said. "Normally by now you'd be screaming like hell."
"Roadblock you don't lead a team of the world's most advanced fighting forces without being able to keep a cool head and steady nerves," Hawk said calmly. "You have to pick your battles, and know that sometimes you have to let things ride."
"You're plastered too aren't you?" Roadblock put his hand to his forehead, indicating he was getting a headache.
"Pretty much yes," General Hawk took out some pills from his drawer. "Actually before all this began I had to deal with a few things. A wrench fight in the motor pool. A couple small fires in the cafeteria. Bazooka got lost on the highway again with a convoy of tanks. And one of them accidentally went off and blew up a fast food restaurant. Fortunately it was an Arby's so no one was in it and all the employees had ditched to go smoke in the woods so no one got hurt."
"Ah…" Spirit nodded his head. "I see…"
"On top of it I also got a call from the President of the United States and spent two hours explaining to him not only that it would be a bad idea to go invade Quebec," Hawk continued. "I had to point out where Quebec was. And that Quebec was populated by French speaking people and not Arabic speaking people. And why it was a bad idea to simply bomb France just for the hell of it. Needless to say I really needed something and Psyche-Out gave me these babies and I must say they're really working well. Kicked in not long after Surfer started doing his wipe outs out there."
"WHAHOOOOO!" The Silver Surfer sped past again. This time the shorts were on his head.
"Yup," Hawk casually drummed his fingers on his desk. "I have to warn you Shipwreck when these things wear off I might be a little miffed at you. So don't be surprised if I start to yell at you and…"
"Oh don't worry I understand," Shipwreck nodded. He picked up the bottle. "So how many hours before you can take another one of these things?"
"Shipwreck!" Cover Girl snapped. "Now what do we do?"
"This is a very dangerous situation," Spirit frowned.
"No kidding," Pietro winced as something exploded. He looked out the window. "Uh oh…Guys I think we have problems!"
"A drunken alien with phenomenal cosmic powers is causing havoc on the Pit and he thinks we have problems?" Lance asked.
"There's something else!" Pietro pointed out the window. "Look!"
To their horror they saw Selene with her hands on the Silver Surfer's head, draining his powers. "YES! YES!" She cackled as she drained his powers. "SUCH POWER! IT'S MINE!"
The Silver Surfer fell to the ground with his board. "Uhhhh…"
"Boy is he gonna have a hangover in the morning," Shipwreck remarked.
"Selene just stole the Silver Surfer's cosmic power?" Wanda's jaw dropped. "This is not good."
"She can do that?" Todd's eyes widened.
"Apparently," Althea said. "Come on!"
"What the hell are we going to do?" Pietro asked as the Misfits started to run outside. "Ask her to give them back?"
"Well we can't just sit around and wait for her to return 'em on her own!" Althea snapped. They ran outside and saw Selene floating in the sky, glowing with a great power. Already several Joes were firing on her with everything they could shoot at her. She swatted them away with ease.
"You think you can challenge me?" Selene laughed as she deflected the weapons so that they destroyed the base all around them. "Fools!"
"She's just swatting everything we shoot at her!" Beach Head shouted. "Like it doesn't matter!"
"It doesn't matter," Wanda said. "She's got magic plus cosmic power now as well as mutant powers! Not a good combination!"
"Well that was a smart move," Pietro grumbled.
"You have a better plan, smart guy?" Beach Head snapped.
"I think they have a better plan!" Lance pointed. Trinity flew towards Selene. "This is not gonna be good!"
"That power isn't yours," Daria shouted.
"Give it back!" Quinn snapped.
"Stealing isn't very nice!" Brittany agreed.
"Wait a minute," Quinn blinked. "Don't we steal stuff all the time?"
"Yeah, but we're cute so we can get away with it," Daria told her. "GET HER!"
"You really think you Powerpuff Rejects can beat me?" Selene laughed as she shot out several bolts. However the Triplets proved much harder targets than she anticipated. "Stand still you little…"
"Girls!" Shipwreck winced as Selene's cosmic force rays, which intended for the girls, hit several other objects. "Oh man there goes another tank!"
"And the roof of the cafeteria," Roadblock winced.
"Yeah, like BA didn't already put a hole in it," Hawk sighed.
Suddenly one of the bolts hit a power line, the electricity crackled and surged towards Lance. "NO!" Selene shouted and used her powers to shield Lance.
"What the…?" Lance blinked as Selene floated down to him.
"Are you…?" She began to say when a hex bolt hit her from behind. "AGGGH!"
Suddenly a surcharge of energy reflected back to Wanda and caused a huge reaction. The next thing everyone knew there was debris everywhere and everyone was lying flat on the ground.
Including Selene. "What…hit me?" She groaned. "And where the hell are my legs? Oh…There they are…Still attached. That's good…"
"Okay…" Althea winced as she sat up. "Wanda…For future reference…Hex bolts…Cosmic powers…Not a good combination!"
"Now you tell me…" Wanda moaned.
"Ooooooh!" The Triplets had also been caught in the blast and were lying on the ground.
"My name is Brittany but I was thinking of changing my name to Blue…" Brittany's eyes rolled.
"Watch out for those glitterberries…" Quinn groaned. "Those are the ones that make you act weird…Before you sprout your shimmering wings and fly away."
"Damn it," Daria's eyes swirled. "It's my turn to say damn it!"
"That pretty much sums it up for me," Roadblock said lying flat on his face.
"Thank god I'm not sober," Hawk lay on the ground. "Otherwise I'd be really upset."
"What…is going on here?" The Silver Surfer sat up and looked at the devastation.
"Oh we're just having the usual party," Beach Head said in a funny voice. "Cake, ice cream…Pin the tail on my brain…"
"Selene…Stole your powers…" Pietro gasped as he tried to stand. "Must…get them back…Must…Stop talking like William Shatner."
"Cosmic powers are dangerous to those who are not used to them!" The Silver Surfer was getting a clear head again.
"Yeah we kind of figured that out," Angelica sat up. "Now what do we do?"
"I don't think we can do anything…" Fred moaned. "We're all kind of out of it."
"Just three more barrels and I'm the new Donkey Kong Champion!" Arcade appeared to be playing an invisible video game on his back.
"Some of us more than others…" Althea winced.
"I have an idea," Todd said. "Hey Surfer! She drained your powers when she grabbed you. So why don't you just go grab her?"
"Toad that's not gonna work," Lance told him.
"How do you know that?" Todd snapped. "You got a manual for how cosmic powers work or something?"
"No, but I know a dumb idea when I hear it," Lance held his hand to his head. "Why is this room spinning so much?"
"It is not a dumb idea!" Todd snapped back. "And the room is not spinning! It's just going back and forth a little bit."
"To be honest Toad that does sound like a dumb idea," Fred said.
"What?" Angelica asked. "Everything spinning or the grabbing thing?"
"Both," Fred told her. "Boy that thing really has a kick doesn't it?"
"Tell me about it…" Wanda groaned. "I hear birdies…"
"I really should get up and fly away…" Selene was still groggy. "But I'm just so happy sitting here…Still got cosmic power. They can't do anything to me anyway…Oooh that black cloud of smoke looks just like a bunny…"
"You did not drain all my cosmic power," The Silver Surfer told her. "I still retain some!" He managed to summon his cosmic board and it came to him. "Return what you have stolen!" He got on the board and streaked towards her.
"Huh?" Selene just sat there looking at him charge. "Hey I know you…AAHHH!"
The Silver Surfer tackled her and grabbed her. "Return what is rightfully mine!" He bellowed as he felt the cosmic power return to his body.
"Agggh!" Selene pulled away but not before the Silver Surfer had taken his cosmic powers back.
"The cosmic powers are mine once more!" The Silver Surfer shouted as his body glowed.
"I'll be darned," Fred blinked. "It did work."
"I told you," Todd said.
"Fine, we owe you a Coke," Lance struggled to his feet.
"Okay…"Selene shook the cobwebs from her head. "Brain working again…Cosmic powers gone…I'm all worn out…Very angry cosmic alien glaring at me…I'm out of here!" She managed to teleport away using her magic.
"That was a pretty simplistic ending don't you think?" Angelica blinked.
"You were expecting a twelve page thesis by Steven Hawking?" Althea snapped at her.
"These powers are far too dangerous for mortals," The Silver Surfer looked at the damage. "I must leave now so as not to endanger any one ever again. Once again the Silver Surfer is alone…" He flew away into the sky.
"And once again we wrecked the base without really trying…" Cover Girl moaned.
"Well," Shipwreck looked at the damage. "That was an interesting evening."
"Pop, we really need to talk about your drinking habits," Althea glared at him. "You're not just an alcoholic, you're a carrier of the disease!"