Title: Man, I STILL can't take you anywhere
Authors: Chaff and Bunsdarien
Rating: PG-13ish
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Category: Slash, Humor, Angst (on Daniel...and the general public)
Series: Sequel to: Man, I can't take you anywhere
Synopsis: It's Christmas time again. And what better way to traumatize our favorite archaeologist then have to go shopping with one General Jack O'Neill.
Notes: This was written last year and forgotten about. We decided to finish it and post it. Oh, and with part 1 there was ';some': problems with certain...people. Please, read the warning below. I:Shakes head, hoping she erased that long email: Thank you, and enjoy,
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Language, Mention of shopping at Walmart, so hit the delete button if that bothers ya. Oh yeah... not beta'd. Sorry.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters...although we love them to bits. Not making any money. It's all for fun.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."
"Yeah, your nuts are gonna be roasting..." Daniel mumbled under his breath as he sat in the passenger seat of Jack's truck...pouting.
"What did you say?" Jack asked suspiciously. "Something about my nuts?"
"Your nuts...yes...I um..love your nuts." Daniel responded, rolling his eyes.
"Something wrong Danny? I thought you wanted to go shopping with me. This was YOUR idea, ya know."
"Yeah Jack...the MALL! I want to go to the mall. PLEASE!" Daniel begged, no...pleaded.
"We're going to do some one-stop-shopping. I have gifts to buy, and that's the store that has something for everyone..And anyway, do you know how packed the mall is gonna be!"
"Oh, and Walmart is going to be any better?" Thinking for a second, "Didn't realize getting a promotion makes you a cheap skate."
Offended, "I am NOT a cheap skate!"
"That's not what your ex told me!" Daniel mumbles.
"Those are fighting words there, Daniel." Jack told him. "We ARE Going to Walmart and that is the end of it!"
"But..." Daniel stammered out, remembering the last time they were there
FLASHBACK
"Sorry sir, but there have been complaints about you." A pimple faced 19 year old said.
Teal'c, Sam, and Daniel just stared at Jack expectantly, hoping their CO wouldn't hurt the little twerp TOO bad. After all...restraining orders are a bitch.
"I have every right to be here..." Jack argued.
The security guard looked at the irate Air Force Colonel. A bored expression on his face. "Mr. O'Neill, you were warned the last time you were here. I MUST ask you and your friends to leave or I'm calling the cops."
"I'm a paying customer!" Jack grabbed the first thing laying on top of the pile in his cart...which was the tube of KY. He winced, but still showed it to the kid. "See?"
"Dude...If you're going through some sort of mid-life crisis...please don't do it here! Now..If you don't mind following your friends..."
Jack turned around. Teal'c, Sam and Daniel were making a hasty retreat.
"Some friends you guys are!" Jack bellowed at their backs.
END FLASHBACK
"Oh my God! That was SOOO not my fault! That little pip squeak had it in for me!"
"Sure Jack, him and every other person in town that shops at Walmart." Daniel responded only half in sarcasm.
"Well...they do you know." Jack sulked. "Look at this freakin' parking lot!"
Sighing..."It's two days before Christmas, Jack. Did you really expect to find a parking space?"
45 MINUTES LATER
"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Jack bitched, finally parking the truck. "We're going to have to take a freakin' shuttle bus just to get to the store from here! WAIT! I have a better idea!"
Daniel, after finding out Jack's 'better idea' involved a little bit of off-road driving, thanked ANY God that may be listening, for seat belts and 4-wheel drive.
"Jaaack? This is sooo not a parking space."
"It sooo IS Danny. Can I help it if the snow plow drivers don't do a sufficient job plowing the snow? Stop your complaining...we're right up front now."
"Yeah...and we're also 4 feet off the ground."
"So...be careful when you get out." Jack snorted in amusement. "The first step's a dozy."
"I must be stark raving mad." Daniel self-diagnosed. "I must be to put up with you...Yep...a real lunatic." Now to no one in particular. "I think I'll have myself committed."
"Daniel...stop babbling. People are going to stare."
"STARE! Jack!...We're parked on a mountain of snow in the middle of a crowded parking lot. We're kind of hard to miss!"
INSIDE
"HOLY SHIT!" Jack exclaimed.
The store was packed. Lines down toward the other end of the store.
"Daniel, you might as well stand on line now while I shop."
"Well, this is what you get when you wait until the last moment. Unlike YOU.. I've already finished my shopping!" Grabbing the first cart available he See's, he steers it over toward Jack.
"Please.. I beg of you. Promise me you'll be on your best behavior Jack?" Daniel whined and pouted.
Jack looked at Daniel for a second. He had to do that puppy dog thing with his eyes. Damn! Jack was such a sucker for that.
"I don't know what your talking about, Daniel. I'm always on my best behavior." Jack headed toward the electronic section, since that's where the best gifts are located.
Walking ahead of Jack, and nervously eying each direction for security, he sighs as he listens to Jack's moaning and bitching.
"...Damn it, Daniel! Couldn't you at least get me cart that steers."
Controlling his breathing...
Inhale.
Exhale.
Daniel stops short, and turns toward his lover. "Did you see any other carts available?" he asks.
As he's speaking, he catches a look in Jack's eye. An evil smirk appearing on his face. Jack eyes his prey.
"NO! You will NOT do that, Jack!" Daniel demands, knowing exactly what Jack's going to do to that little old lady in front of them.
"Oh, please. She'll never know. Now shut up while I switch the carts."
Jack goes in while a disgusted Daniel walks away, shaking his head...still to this day wondering what he See's in Jack.
A few moments later, Jack meets Daniel in Electronics.
Daniel snickers at the sound of Jack's cart:squicka-squicka-squicka:
"Good exchange, huh?"
"Shut up!" Jack tells him, defiantly pushing his loud cart down the aisle.
"Cool, they have one left." Jack says. His eyes never leaving the item in the glass case in front of him.
"Daniel, go get someone for me.." Jack says.. "Daniel..." he looks around. No Daniel.
"Daniel...?. Son-of-a...!"
He leaves the spot and searches the area for an associate or his wayward lover. Finally after 15 minutes Daniel returns to his side.
"Where were you?" Jack asks.
"Not that it was any of your business, but I was in the bathroom." Daniel tells him.
"Bathroom, huh! Well if ya wanted a little quickie all ya had to do was ask."
"Ewww...Jack, that's nasty."
"Ah, well I need to get that digital camera for Teal'c. But I can't seem to find someone to help."
Returning to the glass window, he see's the sales associate give a woman the item he wanted.
"There's another one of those, right?" Jack asks him.
"Ah, sorry man. No more. Your have to get a rain check up front." The kid says.
"No fucking way! I was here first! It took me 15 minutes to find one of you... and now this bimbo, who probably doesn't know the zoom button from the memory card holder, took it. I was here FIRST!"
Daniel stepped back. People were staring as Jack whined. The 'bimbo' in question just turned and walked away, holding up HER camera.
"Fucking A!" Jack bitched a little too loud, getting himself some venomous looks from the parents with little ones around.
Shaking his head, "Come on, Daniel. Let's see if we can at least find that movie."
Jack took one end, while Daniel took the other. None of the movies were in there rightful order, but after a few moments, Daniel heard a triumph "YES!"
"Daniel!" Jack yelled, ecstatic. In his hands he held the last copy he could find of Kronk's New Groove. As he was about to put in in his cart a kid, who had his hands on the movie as Jack ripped it from the shelf said, "My movie."
Jack ignored him. Pushing his cart away. He left the kid in the aisle crying, "MY MOVIE!"
Jack once again gained the stares of all those around him.
"What did you do NOW, Jack?" Daniel sighed.
"Nothing," Jack stated defensively. "I had the movie first. The kid was too slow. Not my problem."
"He's a child. What you did was like stealing candy from a baby. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"It's survival of the fittest, babe. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Especially this time of the year." Jack stated walking out of the electronic department, reading the back of the DVD. Snickering, "Hey Danny...can you speak 'chipmunk'?"
Following his lover from a safe distance, he wondered why on earth Jack headed over to the toy section.
Then it came to him. We are talking about Jack here. He's probably looking at the airplanes, and the toy soldiers, and the...
Daniel's thoughts were interrupted by the loud voice of his lover.
"Hey lady...Ya snooze, ya loose!" he heard Jack say.
"Excuse me... I was getting my husband to get that off the shelf you..." A woman voiced out.
Oh god, not again..
Inhale..
Exhale..
Daniel walked over to the scene of the commotion.
It was absolutely ridiculous. Jack was fighting with a young woman barely over 5 feet tall about a karate instructional toy. Why the hell does Jack need a thing to plug into his TV to learn karate?
"JACK!" Daniel said sharply.
Jack flinched by the tone of Daniel's voice, and actually looked a little scared.
"LET IT GO!... NOW!"
Letting go of the item, the lady grabbed it and snarled, "Not so big NOW are ya?" With that she walked away.
"Let's go now, Jack. I really just want to leave." Daniel demanded with clenched fists and gritted teeth.
Jack looked for his cart.
"Fine. I just gotta buy my movie..."
He looked, and looked around. "Where's my cart?"
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Don't know. Don't care. You know, how about this. I'll put your name on the gifts I bought everyone. That way I don't kill you right here in the toy section with all these witnesses!"
People crowding the aisle stopped and stared at the couple.
"Danny, your making a scene!"
Incredulous.. "I'm.. I'M making a scene. That's it!" With that, Daniel walked his way out of that section and toward the front of the store.
Jack, realizing that maybe he should just let this be, followed his lover. He hasn't seen Daniel this angry since he used one of his priceless artifacts as a paper weight. As the two reached the cashiers, Jack saw a certain boy holding a movie in his hand.
"HEY!" Jack yelled.
The boy looked up, and smiled. Showing off his Kronk movie.
"That little bast..."
"Jack!"
"Daniel? He had my.."
"Jack!"
"But.."
"JACK!"
"Daniel! I want my movie. And I am going to get it back."
Daniel rolled his eyes as Jack walked over to the kid.
"You stole my movie," He accused the little boy.
"Excuse me? My son did no such thing," A gentlemen of 6'4 and over 220lbs informed Jack.
"Well, let me tell ya it as I see it. I grabbed it first. Put it in my cart. Now the cart and the movie's gone. That being the last copy proves he stole it and I want it back."
The gentlemen got into Jack's face.
"Breathe mint dude. They got them on the aisles for a reason!"
The infuriated man went to lung toward Jack when Daniel got in the way.
"I'm terribly sorry for my friend. He just has a weekend release from Mental health, and..."
"DANIEL!" Jack sneered out, cutting off his lover.
"Sorry, the medication is helping with his bi-polar, but..."
"DANIEL! I AM NOT FUCKING..." Jack screamed..
"And he has Tourettes syndrome." Daniel added.
"FOR CHRIST SAKES, DANIEL!"
"Well, he should be locked up. Now, if you don't mind, get him out of my face before I..."
"Before you what?" Jack asked.. Cracking his knuckles as he did so...
"JACK!" Daniel lowered his head. This was just too much for him.
"O'Neill!" A voice was heard saying.
Jack and Daniel turned. "THAT"S IT!" Daniel stated. "Man, I still can't take you anywhere."
Daniel walked away and headed outside.
A pimply faced teen came over toward Jack.
"Dude! You've been warned like a million times. I don't care if your a buying customer. Go to one of the sex shops for you play toys. You are to leave, or I will have the cops escort you out."
The gentlemen and his son smiled at Jack. As did everyone surrounded them.
If looks could kill. They'd both be long gone.
"Fine! But, I will be writing in a complaint!" Jack said with as much dignity he could muster.
"Probably be in crayon!" he heard commended.
Defeated, Jack made his way outside. He looked around to see his car no longer where it once was. The kid came over to Jack outside, "Oh and your truck's been towed man. Nice parking job!" With a laugh the kid went back inside.
"Damn it!" Jack signed.
He pulled out his phone and dialed Daniel's.
"Danny where are you?" He asked.
"Got myself a ride home." He replied.
"But, what about me?"
"Call a Cab, Jack."
"But..."
"Call a cab!"
CLICK.