Appreciation and adoration for…

Sweet A.K… Will Porthos find Aramis? That question is answered in this chapter!

Utsuri… I'm so glad you're a "very happy reviewer." And I'm very pleased that you like how the story lines are converging.

Mercury Gray… The Reviewer Maven title is well earned! And Jacques appreciates the hugs.

Angoliel… It might have taken Jacques a little bit of time, but he's got the right stuff to be a Musketeer. Just have Glorfindel go easy on him, okay?

Chapter 20: Fools and Lovers

Aramis tightened his horse's girth. He was still close to an hour away from Versailles and he'd been riding the beast hard ever since he crossed the border into France. His horse had lost weight and Aramis counted himself extraordinarily lucky that the horse was still sound enough to ride. He had stopped for a few minutes to allow the horse a drink and a short rest. As impatient as he was to return, he didn't relish the idea of walking the rest of the way to Versailles on foot.

The grey gelding's head snapped up from the stream and he stared down the road with his ears pricked forward. A moment later, the sound of galloping hooves reached Aramis. Around the bend, Porthos came thundering, looking as if he were being chased by the Hounds of Hell. Seeing Aramis, Porthos reined his horse in and jumped to the ground. He was surprisingly graceful considering what a giant of a man he was.

"Aramis! Thank God! I've been looking for you… You look terrible."

Aramis' long leather coat was covered with dust and dirt. His pants and shirt were stained, and his boots looked as if he'd walked through a dozen muddy fields. But more than that, he looked tired and worn out as if the cares of the world had finally become too much and he had resigned himself to letting them crush him. Out of a pack attached to his saddle, Porthos pulled out one of Aramis' dress tunics and a fresh pair of boots.

"You've ridden so far and so hard to bring me a change of clothes?"

"Well, we can't have you riding to Versailles looking like a vagabond highway man. What kind of impression would that make? A Musketeer should always make a grand entrance!"

"Porthos, exactly who am I impressing? You have the look of an impending fight about you. What's happened in my absence?"

Porthos took a deep breath and grabbed Aramis by the shoulders. "We are going to stop a betrothal, my friend. We are going to keep Luc D'Avignon from marrying your Natalie."

"My Natalie? Oh, do not call her that, Porthos, for she is not mine!"

"Cease with your charade, Aramis. From the moment you spoke of her in the tavern, she has been yours in your heart. Even the poetry of your youth could not rival the passion with which you spoke of her."

"Athos has approved this? Then surely this Luc D'Avignon must be a good man. If Athos has given his blessing, who am I to interfere?" said Aramis, refusing to meet Porthos' eyes. Athos is going to give her to someone else! The very thought clawed at his heart.

"Mon Dieu, man! How can you say that? Or have you cast off your feelings for Natalie?"

"Cast them off? It would be easier to cast my own soul from my body, Porthos! I have caused enough pain for both Natalie and Athos. If I go to Versailles now and declare before the entire court, it will make no difference. Athos will still hate me and he will still surely give her to another man!"

"Aramis, even if you refuse to acknowledge your love for her, she cannot marry this Luc D'Avignon. He may well be cast out of the Musketeers… and I, myself, have seen him strike a woman…"

Aramis flinched. If he lays a hand on Natalie in violence, I will kill him myself, even if the executioner's blade is my only reward.

Porthos saw him but didn't stop. "In my heart, I know he will treat Natalie the same. He is a conniver and a rake. Can you stand by and watch a man like that possess her? For that is all Natalie will be to Luc, a possession."

"It is in God's hands, Porthos," said Aramis, hating himself even more for this new betrayal of his own heart.

"No! This is in your hands, Aramis. Your hands!"

Frustrated and in pain, Aramis threw his hands in the air. "What would you have of me, Porthos? What? I have prayed, Porthos. I have begged God – begged Him! – for a sign. I have pleaded with Him to keep my heart true… and to help me find forgiveness. But God no longer guides me, Porthos. I am alone to suffer for my sins."

"And when you have asked for these signs, what do you see?"

"My thoughts are ever drawn to Natalie. My heart fills with love to a measure of such magnitude that I never knew existed. I think of her and my heart sings, and then the depth of my betrayal to her and to Athos drives daggers into my soul. That pain is all God will give me for signs."

"Idiot. IDIOT!" thundered Porthos. "For someone who has found so much pride in his intelligence and his cunning, you are a very stupid man, Aramis. A very, very stupid man!"

Aramis started and almost stepped back, surprised by the words and the force behind them, but Porthos did not give him a chance to respond. "Aramis, you have begged God for signs. You have prayed that He will show you the right path for you, no?"

"I have and my way is clouded…"

"Then you are a fool," Porthos said with some disgust.

"What do you know of God?" Aramis lashed out, feeling naked and exposed. "What do you know of God, Porthos?" He planted both his hands in Porthos' chest and shoved his friend backward two steps. "You pass your days in the embrace of any young lovely who will have you, or fighting if you have the occasion. Fighting, drinking, and wenching are the core of your existence. What can you possibly know about communing with God?" Even as the words left his mouth, Aramis regretted them for their bitter shallowness.

"You are not my confessor, Aramis. You were not when you were a priest and you are not now. Wine, women? Yes, I have indulged in ze pleasures of the world. I have indulged many times over. Perhaps in your eyes – and even in God's eyes – I have sinned, but I am happy, no? Aramis, did it ever cross your mind ze reason you feel so much for Natalie? Why you think of her so much? Did it ever occur to you that God has answered your prayers? Did it ever occur to you that Natalie herself is ze sign you have been agonizing to find? Perhaps she is your reward and not your punishment? Did you ever think that for a lifetime of service to God and to France, Natalie is God's way of giving you some happiness for a change?"

Aramis' eyes grew wide.

"Find your forgiveness through love, Aramis. You have spent so much time talking to God… Have you ever stopped talking long enough to actually hear what God has to say to you?"

Stunned, Aramis said nothing.

I have to say, I think this has been my favorite chapter to write so far. There's just something about it that really got me going while I was writing. I hope y'all enjoyed it too. As always, please read/review… I really enjoy the feedback!

Disclaimer: The only things I can truly claim as my own are Natalie, Jacques, and Luc (and a few minor supporting characters). Everything else is borrowed with much respect and admiration for Dumas and the people who created various movie versions of the Musketeers.