~ Lies-15 ~
Seth was already awake when someone tapped on the door. He groaned, hating to leave the warmth and comfort of the bed and Summer. After gently pulling away from her, he got up and answered the door.
"Is this Summer Robert's room?"
Seth didn't recognize the guy at the door. "What can I help you with?"
"I'm delivering flowers for Ms. Roberts." He motioned to a cart around the corner in the hall.
"Oh. Ok." Seth stepped back and opened the door for him. Instead of turning on the light, he went to the windows and opened a blind. He watched carefully as the man brought in 2 vases, then went back for 2 more, arranging them all on the shelves with Seth's flowers.
"That's all for now, sir."
Seth thanked him and glanced over at Summer to see if the noise woke her. She was still sleeping peacefully. He scanned each of the cards included in the arrangements, curious as to who had sent them. The first one was signed "Kirsten", the next was from "Ryan", following that was "Sandy", and the last one was signed "Caleb Nichol and Julie Cooper". He smiled, touched that his family had done this for her. He looked up at another tap on the door. "Dad!" He quickly turned to make sure he hadn't woke her, and held a finger to his mouth. He crossed the room quickly and was crushed in a hug. "I didn't expect to see you!" he whispered as they pulled apart. "Any news yet?"
Sandy shook his head and spoke quietly also. "Not yet. I took Ryan home and he's passed out on the couch, so I thought I'd see how you and Summer were holding up. I just took care of some legal things for her downstairs." He walked closer to the bed to see her. "Aw man, she looks rough. Poor girl, what an awful thing to happen." He shook his head sadly. "Hey, I brought you a change of clothes, your cell phone, and her purse from our house." He'd brought them in a bag and left it on the table. "Did the flowers arrive yet?"
"Yeah, they just got here. That was pretty awesome of you guys to send one from each of you. I know she'll be thrilled. She loves flowers."
Sandy smiled. "Your mother's idea. She was worried Summer wouldn't get many, without family here. That woman is so smart. So son, from what I hear, you're a doing a commendable job handling things here."
"What's that mean - "from what you hear"?" He had a suspicion he already knew.
"Well, you and Summer seem to be the talk of the hospital. I heard about you in admitting, in the legal office, and at the nurses station."
"Don't these people have anything better to do?" He rolled his eyes, embarrassed.
"Oh, give them a break. They see a lot of pain and suffering here. They're just enjoying talking about something nice for a change."
Seth shook his head. "Yeah, I suppose, but I'm just helping someone I care about that has no family. They're talking like it's some romantic love story."
His dad winked at him. "You mean it isn't?"
He colored and averted his eyes. "Well, no. We're not even together, Dad. I screwed that up."
Sandy put a hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't matter if you're together. Those are just words, son. You're both young people, and it says a lot that you've stayed with her and are taking care of her. Everyone here is seeing your actions, and they're seeing a love story."
"Oh." He didn't know what to say to that.
"Look, kiddo, I need to get going. I brought you the truck in case you wanted to get Summer some more comfortable things, or come home. My assistant's waiting downstairs to take me back. I don't want Ryan to think I've abandoned him. Whoa, that was a poor choice of words."
"Dad. I think he knows better than that by now."
"I hope so, son. Your mom and I were beside ourselves until we found out he was ok. He really feels like a son to us." Sandy shook his head.
"I know. I saw the wreck on TV before my friend let me know he was ok. That's when I really lost it for a few minutes."
"But you've been strong for Summer. I'm proud of you, kid. If you two need anything, let me know." He hugged Seth, handed him the keys and left.
"Hey. Where'd you go?" A sleepy voice came from behind him.
Seth closed the door and got back in bed with her. "Hey you. Go back to sleep. We didn't mean to wake you."
She yawned. "S'ok. What's going on?"
He settled in with his arms around her again. "Dad brought the truck, and your flowers reproduced while you were asleep."
She raised her head a little to look. "Cool. Flower sex. I always miss all the fun." She dropped her head back to the pillow.
"Uh, right. How do you feel?"
"Fantastically marvelous! How are you? " She smiled happily at him, eyes glazed.
He snorted. "Not as good as you, my little drug addict. Hey, do you want me to go to your house and get some of your stuff?"
"What kind of stuff?" She looked exaggeratedly confused.
He spoke slowly. "Well, like your own pajamas, and some makeup, not that you ever need any, clothes for when you leave here, you know - stuff."
Her expression cleared as she got what he was saying. "Oh. Would you do that? I do need some stuff." She started naming off things and he finally stopped her to get up and grab the notepad and pen. She finished reeling off her list and he put the paper in his pocket.
"I'm not sure all of this will fit in the truck, but I'll do my best, ok?" He didn't really think she'd be needing six different outfits or eight pairs of heels.
"Hey! Don't go yet! Se-e-eth!"
"I'm right here, Summer." He hadn't moved from the table where he'd been writing.
"No, you're not. Stop lying. You're not right here. You're waaaaay over there. Come here." She crooked a finger and motioned him to come back to bed.
"I am ever your faithful servant, darling." He crawled back on top of the blankets next to her, wondering if she'd ever call him back to bed when not drugged. It was certainly something worth hoping for. "I'm here now, ok?"
"I see you now." She giggled and tried to focus on his face, growing serious. "Have I told you lately that you're the most sweetest guy I've ever met?"
He blinked. His mouth opened but nothing came out for few seconds. "No. You haven't. Ever, actually. But uh - thanks."
"Oops. SO Sorry. Why didn't I? Hmmm. Then did I thank you for taking care of me? Because you are, you know. Doing like, a stellar job. But you don't even have to. I take care of myself good. Besides, no one else would." She closed her eyes and sighed. "But it's ok really, because you know why that is that, that they don't want to?" She raised her head and looked suspiciously from side to side, then back to him, lowering her voice to a whisper. "I don't know if you know this, but sometimes? I can be a bitch. That's why." She nodded knowingly.
He bit his lip to keep from smiling as she watched him through her haze. "You know what, Summer? I like you anyway. I want to take care of you, and I like doing it."
She cocked her head to one side on the pillow. "Awww. See?" She raised an unsteady finger and tapped him on the nose. "THAT'S why you're the sweetest guy in the world. Come here. Closer. I want to tell you something important."
He moved closer to her, lowering his head to hers so he could hear better. With her good hand, she turned his face toward hers and kissed him softly on the lips. She pulled away and smiled. "That? Was ex- extr- VERY important. But wait. Did I ever tell you this?" She kissed him again, pulling him down with a hand around his neck. He was surprised, but quickly responded, kissing her back. After a while, she started giggling through the kisses. He smiled and pulled away. "What now? What's funny, Summer?"
"YOU'RE funny. You didn't see 'Good Will Hunting'? You fell for that just like Matt Damon. Woooo, he's hot! But I like dark hair better. I'd be a "Ben" girl, but not after J.Lo's touched him. Ewwwww!"
He laughed. "I did see it, but I never expected anyone to use that on me. Especially you."
"But you're a GOOD kisser. Why wouldn't I want some of that?" She stared at him, eyes unsteady and confused.
"Never mind, sweetie. Maybe you can answer that after the drugs wear off." He kissed her again, and got up. "I'm going to your house now. Will you be ok?"
She frowned at him and stuck her bottom lip out. "No. You'll hurry, right? I don't LIKE it here without you."
He let himself feel the warmth her words brought him. Drugged or not, it was good to know she needed him. "I'll hurry. Go to sleep and I'll be back before you know it. Ok?"
She yawned again. "Ok. I am sleepy." She settled back closing her eyes, then looked up again. "Wake me up when you get back? So I'll know you're here?"
He smiled softly. "I will."
He went out the door and down the hall, talking to himself. "Mental note: Find out what drug she's on and figure out how to get more for after she gets out of the hospital."
****
Seth unlocked her door and entered the house, feeling like an intruder. He'd been here several times before, but it was different walking in without her. Checking his list, he went upstairs to her bedroom. He got a suitcase out of her closet and started in the bathroom. He grabbed cleanser, moisturizer, and deodorant and went back to her closet. He picked out his favorite pair of her jeans, a little t-shirt and a sweater, then grabbed her pair of Converse tennis shoes. She didn't wear them very often, because she thought she was too short without heels, but he loved them on her. He glanced down at the pair he was wearing, and smiled at his obviousness. He was dressing her just like himself. She'd be very excited, he was sure. Heh. He went to her dresser and found a pair of socks, then took a deep breath and opened the top drawer. His eyes widened at all the silky lacy underthingys folded neatly and organized by color. He closed his eyes and started to just grab something out of the drawer, then realized he was alone and had no reason to be embarrassed. He held up several bra and panty sets and examined them, marveling at all the different styles and colors. He decided on 3 sets he particularly liked and moved down to her pajama drawer. He blew out a long breath after holding up a couple of sheer, barely-there nighties, and his mind went instantly to an altogether different place, imagining her wearing them. He shook the image from his head and forced himself to fold them and put them back in the drawer. Pajamas. He was looking for pajamas. Right. He found them in a different drawer, and after not being able to decide between a classy silk pair and a cute cotton pair with cartoon horses on them, he took both. What next? He checked his list. Makeup. THIS ought to be an adventure.
He went to her vanity and opened a drawer, wondering how he was supposed to know the difference between concealer, eye shadow, and lip-gloss. He thought he had a handle on mascara; he'd seen his mom applying that. He began picking up tubes and containers trying to read the tiny words on them. When that failed, he took the tops off, one at a time, until he found a lip-gloss he thought she wanted. He put the cap back on and laid it on a book that was open on top of the vanity. He glanced at it, noticing Saturday's date at the top, and returned to his search in the drawer. Realizing he'd seen his name on the page, he went quickly back to the book. Saturday. The strange day she'd come to his house, they'd had a horrible fight here, and they'd driven all over trying to find Marissa before he'd brought her home.
He turned the page, flipping through several. She'd written five pages of something. He was trying not to read, not wanting to invade her privacy like that. That wasn't true, he was burning to read it, but wouldn't let himself, thinking of how he'd feel if someone went through his personal things. He turned back to the Saturday page, deciding he'd just find where he'd seen his name. To his amazement, it was on the first line.
"Dear Seth". This was a letter* to him.
*You'll never see this, but maybe I can finally go to sleep if I write it. Today, with you on your couch is only time I've slept well in a long time. You see; I'm so scared I'm going to end up like Coop. We're a lot alike. She can't confront anyone or anything that's bad to her, and I can't express the good I see or feel about anyone. She runs around trying to please everyone except herself so they'll love her, and I push everyone away to avoid the hurt they always, always bring when I let down my guard and care. So I only care about or try to please myself. Maybe that's why we've been best friends forever. We're each the part the other is missing. How long can a person go without letting anyone into their life? How long until I start drinking heavily again and breaking laws in an attempt to get someone's attention, because I can't express myself and am too scared to let anyone care about me the normal way?
"To truly love is to give all of yourself." It's at the top of the page and I didn't understand it until tonight. You give all of yourself. You're not afraid to talk about your love for Ryan and you're also able to tell me off when I'm taking advantage of you or hurting your feelings. You say the good and the bad, and I envy you.
Do you want to know why I came to your house to talk, then left you sleeping on the couch and ran home, suddenly NOT wanting to talk when you followed me? Of course you do, because it made no sense. I've been telling myself and everyone else I'm over you, I hate you, and I don't care that you didn't choose me. Today I found out I'm lying to myself. Seeing you was painful but wonderful, and when I first woke up in your arms on that couch I was happy, so happy until I realized I'd practically forced you to hold me and you didn't really want to, it was just out of pity. It hurt so much to remember that you didn't want me. During that fight, when you told me you were looking for me at the party because you wanted to ask for another chance, I wanted to scream yes and kiss you so badly I thought my insides were ripping apart, but I COULDN'T. Not WOULDN'T - I COULD NOT do it.
Do you know the real reason I want you to call me before you tell Ryan about Coop tomorrow? Yes, I'm worried about Ryan, but I'm more worried about you. I know how hard it will be for you to tell him, knowing it's going to break his heart, and I want to be there for you. As hard as I tried, I couldn't tell you that tonight, though.
So Seth, no matter what I say or how I act around you, I really do care about you. So damn much. I CARE I CARE I CARE!!!! But I'm scared to let you get close again. You're the only one I've given a fighting chance to, I mean for a real relationship with me, but I can't go through it again. I'm damaged, and you deserve better than me anyway.
While I'm confessing, I might as well tell you why I'm damaged goods and why I act like I do. I'm going to tell you about my father....*
He looked up and closed his eyes. She'd just confirmed part of her childlike conversation in the middle of the night. She might be in love with him, but she can't be with him. He was saddened that he hadn't seen her attempts to tell him some of these things. He had point blank asked her to finish a sentence about why she'd left his place and changed her mind about talking, and watched as her struggle to tell him reduced her to tears. His own inferiority complex hadn't allowed him to think it had anything to do with her feelings for him. He sighed. If he continued reading, the letter was going to confirm the other half of their conversation, the horror about her father. How had he been so dense not to tie the two things together? After what her father had done, of course she would have a hard time letting anyone get close to her. Of course she would try to scare off anyone that showed interest in something besides sex. No wonder it was so hard for her to admit her feelings for him, and no wonder it had taken so long. He'd always assumed her hesitance was all about her social standing and his lack of one. While that might have been part of it, now he knew the whole story.
He continued reading, his jaw tightening and hands shaking. Before he finished the letter, his hands were clenched into fists.
Looking up finally, he stared at himself in the mirror, and took several deep breaths to try to calm down. He searched around until he found another of her bags, and dumped most of the makeup in the drawer into it, then tossed it and the date book into the suitcase. After closing it, he headed back to the hospital.
*****
Seth was already awake when someone tapped on the door. He groaned, hating to leave the warmth and comfort of the bed and Summer. After gently pulling away from her, he got up and answered the door.
"Is this Summer Robert's room?"
Seth didn't recognize the guy at the door. "What can I help you with?"
"I'm delivering flowers for Ms. Roberts." He motioned to a cart around the corner in the hall.
"Oh. Ok." Seth stepped back and opened the door for him. Instead of turning on the light, he went to the windows and opened a blind. He watched carefully as the man brought in 2 vases, then went back for 2 more, arranging them all on the shelves with Seth's flowers.
"That's all for now, sir."
Seth thanked him and glanced over at Summer to see if the noise woke her. She was still sleeping peacefully. He scanned each of the cards included in the arrangements, curious as to who had sent them. The first one was signed "Kirsten", the next was from "Ryan", following that was "Sandy", and the last one was signed "Caleb Nichol and Julie Cooper". He smiled, touched that his family had done this for her. He looked up at another tap on the door. "Dad!" He quickly turned to make sure he hadn't woke her, and held a finger to his mouth. He crossed the room quickly and was crushed in a hug. "I didn't expect to see you!" he whispered as they pulled apart. "Any news yet?"
Sandy shook his head and spoke quietly also. "Not yet. I took Ryan home and he's passed out on the couch, so I thought I'd see how you and Summer were holding up. I just took care of some legal things for her downstairs." He walked closer to the bed to see her. "Aw man, she looks rough. Poor girl, what an awful thing to happen." He shook his head sadly. "Hey, I brought you a change of clothes, your cell phone, and her purse from our house." He'd brought them in a bag and left it on the table. "Did the flowers arrive yet?"
"Yeah, they just got here. That was pretty awesome of you guys to send one from each of you. I know she'll be thrilled. She loves flowers."
Sandy smiled. "Your mother's idea. She was worried Summer wouldn't get many, without family here. That woman is so smart. So son, from what I hear, you're a doing a commendable job handling things here."
"What's that mean - "from what you hear"?" He had a suspicion he already knew.
"Well, you and Summer seem to be the talk of the hospital. I heard about you in admitting, in the legal office, and at the nurses station."
"Don't these people have anything better to do?" He rolled his eyes, embarrassed.
"Oh, give them a break. They see a lot of pain and suffering here. They're just enjoying talking about something nice for a change."
Seth shook his head. "Yeah, I suppose, but I'm just helping someone I care about that has no family. They're talking like it's some romantic love story."
His dad winked at him. "You mean it isn't?"
He colored and averted his eyes. "Well, no. We're not even together, Dad. I screwed that up."
Sandy put a hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't matter if you're together. Those are just words, son. You're both young people, and it says a lot that you've stayed with her and are taking care of her. Everyone here is seeing your actions, and they're seeing a love story."
"Oh." He didn't know what to say to that.
"Look, kiddo, I need to get going. I brought you the truck in case you wanted to get Summer some more comfortable things, or come home. My assistant's waiting downstairs to take me back. I don't want Ryan to think I've abandoned him. Whoa, that was a poor choice of words."
"Dad. I think he knows better than that by now."
"I hope so, son. Your mom and I were beside ourselves until we found out he was ok. He really feels like a son to us." Sandy shook his head.
"I know. I saw the wreck on TV before my friend let me know he was ok. That's when I really lost it for a few minutes."
"But you've been strong for Summer. I'm proud of you, kid. If you two need anything, let me know." He hugged Seth, handed him the keys and left.
"Hey. Where'd you go?" A sleepy voice came from behind him.
Seth closed the door and got back in bed with her. "Hey you. Go back to sleep. We didn't mean to wake you."
She yawned. "S'ok. What's going on?"
He settled in with his arms around her again. "Dad brought the truck, and your flowers reproduced while you were asleep."
She raised her head a little to look. "Cool. Flower sex. I always miss all the fun." She dropped her head back to the pillow.
"Uh, right. How do you feel?"
"Fantastically marvelous! How are you? " She smiled happily at him, eyes glazed.
He snorted. "Not as good as you, my little drug addict. Hey, do you want me to go to your house and get some of your stuff?"
"What kind of stuff?" She looked exaggeratedly confused.
He spoke slowly. "Well, like your own pajamas, and some makeup, not that you ever need any, clothes for when you leave here, you know - stuff."
Her expression cleared as she got what he was saying. "Oh. Would you do that? I do need some stuff." She started naming off things and he finally stopped her to get up and grab the notepad and pen. She finished reeling off her list and he put the paper in his pocket.
"I'm not sure all of this will fit in the truck, but I'll do my best, ok?" He didn't really think she'd be needing six different outfits or eight pairs of heels.
"Hey! Don't go yet! Se-e-eth!"
"I'm right here, Summer." He hadn't moved from the table where he'd been writing.
"No, you're not. Stop lying. You're not right here. You're waaaaay over there. Come here." She crooked a finger and motioned him to come back to bed.
"I am ever your faithful servant, darling." He crawled back on top of the blankets next to her, wondering if she'd ever call him back to bed when not drugged. It was certainly something worth hoping for. "I'm here now, ok?"
"I see you now." She giggled and tried to focus on his face, growing serious. "Have I told you lately that you're the most sweetest guy I've ever met?"
He blinked. His mouth opened but nothing came out for few seconds. "No. You haven't. Ever, actually. But uh - thanks."
"Oops. SO Sorry. Why didn't I? Hmmm. Then did I thank you for taking care of me? Because you are, you know. Doing like, a stellar job. But you don't even have to. I take care of myself good. Besides, no one else would." She closed her eyes and sighed. "But it's ok really, because you know why that is that, that they don't want to?" She raised her head and looked suspiciously from side to side, then back to him, lowering her voice to a whisper. "I don't know if you know this, but sometimes? I can be a bitch. That's why." She nodded knowingly.
He bit his lip to keep from smiling as she watched him through her haze. "You know what, Summer? I like you anyway. I want to take care of you, and I like doing it."
She cocked her head to one side on the pillow. "Awww. See?" She raised an unsteady finger and tapped him on the nose. "THAT'S why you're the sweetest guy in the world. Come here. Closer. I want to tell you something important."
He moved closer to her, lowering his head to hers so he could hear better. With her good hand, she turned his face toward hers and kissed him softly on the lips. She pulled away and smiled. "That? Was ex- extr- VERY important. But wait. Did I ever tell you this?" She kissed him again, pulling him down with a hand around his neck. He was surprised, but quickly responded, kissing her back. After a while, she started giggling through the kisses. He smiled and pulled away. "What now? What's funny, Summer?"
"YOU'RE funny. You didn't see 'Good Will Hunting'? You fell for that just like Matt Damon. Woooo, he's hot! But I like dark hair better. I'd be a "Ben" girl, but not after J.Lo's touched him. Ewwwww!"
He laughed. "I did see it, but I never expected anyone to use that on me. Especially you."
"But you're a GOOD kisser. Why wouldn't I want some of that?" She stared at him, eyes unsteady and confused.
"Never mind, sweetie. Maybe you can answer that after the drugs wear off." He kissed her again, and got up. "I'm going to your house now. Will you be ok?"
She frowned at him and stuck her bottom lip out. "No. You'll hurry, right? I don't LIKE it here without you."
He let himself feel the warmth her words brought him. Drugged or not, it was good to know she needed him. "I'll hurry. Go to sleep and I'll be back before you know it. Ok?"
She yawned again. "Ok. I am sleepy." She settled back closing her eyes, then looked up again. "Wake me up when you get back? So I'll know you're here?"
He smiled softly. "I will."
He went out the door and down the hall, talking to himself. "Mental note: Find out what drug she's on and figure out how to get more for after she gets out of the hospital."
****
Seth unlocked her door and entered the house, feeling like an intruder. He'd been here several times before, but it was different walking in without her. Checking his list, he went upstairs to her bedroom. He got a suitcase out of her closet and started in the bathroom. He grabbed cleanser, moisturizer, and deodorant and went back to her closet. He picked out his favorite pair of her jeans, a little t-shirt and a sweater, then grabbed her pair of Converse tennis shoes. She didn't wear them very often, because she thought she was too short without heels, but he loved them on her. He glanced down at the pair he was wearing, and smiled at his obviousness. He was dressing her just like himself. She'd be very excited, he was sure. Heh. He went to her dresser and found a pair of socks, then took a deep breath and opened the top drawer. His eyes widened at all the silky lacy underthingys folded neatly and organized by color. He closed his eyes and started to just grab something out of the drawer, then realized he was alone and had no reason to be embarrassed. He held up several bra and panty sets and examined them, marveling at all the different styles and colors. He decided on 3 sets he particularly liked and moved down to her pajama drawer. He blew out a long breath after holding up a couple of sheer, barely-there nighties, and his mind went instantly to an altogether different place, imagining her wearing them. He shook the image from his head and forced himself to fold them and put them back in the drawer. Pajamas. He was looking for pajamas. Right. He found them in a different drawer, and after not being able to decide between a classy silk pair and a cute cotton pair with cartoon horses on them, he took both. What next? He checked his list. Makeup. THIS ought to be an adventure.
He went to her vanity and opened a drawer, wondering how he was supposed to know the difference between concealer, eye shadow, and lip-gloss. He thought he had a handle on mascara; he'd seen his mom applying that. He began picking up tubes and containers trying to read the tiny words on them. When that failed, he took the tops off, one at a time, until he found a lip-gloss he thought she wanted. He put the cap back on and laid it on a book that was open on top of the vanity. He glanced at it, noticing Saturday's date at the top, and returned to his search in the drawer. Realizing he'd seen his name on the page, he went quickly back to the book. Saturday. The strange day she'd come to his house, they'd had a horrible fight here, and they'd driven all over trying to find Marissa before he'd brought her home.
He turned the page, flipping through several. She'd written five pages of something. He was trying not to read, not wanting to invade her privacy like that. That wasn't true, he was burning to read it, but wouldn't let himself, thinking of how he'd feel if someone went through his personal things. He turned back to the Saturday page, deciding he'd just find where he'd seen his name. To his amazement, it was on the first line.
"Dear Seth". This was a letter* to him.
*You'll never see this, but maybe I can finally go to sleep if I write it. Today, with you on your couch is only time I've slept well in a long time. You see; I'm so scared I'm going to end up like Coop. We're a lot alike. She can't confront anyone or anything that's bad to her, and I can't express the good I see or feel about anyone. She runs around trying to please everyone except herself so they'll love her, and I push everyone away to avoid the hurt they always, always bring when I let down my guard and care. So I only care about or try to please myself. Maybe that's why we've been best friends forever. We're each the part the other is missing. How long can a person go without letting anyone into their life? How long until I start drinking heavily again and breaking laws in an attempt to get someone's attention, because I can't express myself and am too scared to let anyone care about me the normal way?
"To truly love is to give all of yourself." It's at the top of the page and I didn't understand it until tonight. You give all of yourself. You're not afraid to talk about your love for Ryan and you're also able to tell me off when I'm taking advantage of you or hurting your feelings. You say the good and the bad, and I envy you.
Do you want to know why I came to your house to talk, then left you sleeping on the couch and ran home, suddenly NOT wanting to talk when you followed me? Of course you do, because it made no sense. I've been telling myself and everyone else I'm over you, I hate you, and I don't care that you didn't choose me. Today I found out I'm lying to myself. Seeing you was painful but wonderful, and when I first woke up in your arms on that couch I was happy, so happy until I realized I'd practically forced you to hold me and you didn't really want to, it was just out of pity. It hurt so much to remember that you didn't want me. During that fight, when you told me you were looking for me at the party because you wanted to ask for another chance, I wanted to scream yes and kiss you so badly I thought my insides were ripping apart, but I COULDN'T. Not WOULDN'T - I COULD NOT do it.
Do you know the real reason I want you to call me before you tell Ryan about Coop tomorrow? Yes, I'm worried about Ryan, but I'm more worried about you. I know how hard it will be for you to tell him, knowing it's going to break his heart, and I want to be there for you. As hard as I tried, I couldn't tell you that tonight, though.
So Seth, no matter what I say or how I act around you, I really do care about you. So damn much. I CARE I CARE I CARE!!!! But I'm scared to let you get close again. You're the only one I've given a fighting chance to, I mean for a real relationship with me, but I can't go through it again. I'm damaged, and you deserve better than me anyway.
While I'm confessing, I might as well tell you why I'm damaged goods and why I act like I do. I'm going to tell you about my father....*
He looked up and closed his eyes. She'd just confirmed part of her childlike conversation in the middle of the night. She might be in love with him, but she can't be with him. He was saddened that he hadn't seen her attempts to tell him some of these things. He had point blank asked her to finish a sentence about why she'd left his place and changed her mind about talking, and watched as her struggle to tell him reduced her to tears. His own inferiority complex hadn't allowed him to think it had anything to do with her feelings for him. He sighed. If he continued reading, the letter was going to confirm the other half of their conversation, the horror about her father. How had he been so dense not to tie the two things together? After what her father had done, of course she would have a hard time letting anyone get close to her. Of course she would try to scare off anyone that showed interest in something besides sex. No wonder it was so hard for her to admit her feelings for him, and no wonder it had taken so long. He'd always assumed her hesitance was all about her social standing and his lack of one. While that might have been part of it, now he knew the whole story.
He continued reading, his jaw tightening and hands shaking. Before he finished the letter, his hands were clenched into fists.
Looking up finally, he stared at himself in the mirror, and took several deep breaths to try to calm down. He searched around until he found another of her bags, and dumped most of the makeup in the drawer into it, then tossed it and the date book into the suitcase. After closing it, he headed back to the hospital.
*****