A/N – I really appreciate all of you that have stuck with this seemingly
endless story. I promise it's not endless; it's just that these characters
won't shut up so I can wrap up all the loose ends. I love hearing your
thoughts, so thanks to everyone reviewing as well as those just reading.
~ Lies-24 ~
Summer stood in the middle of the room and looked around it, feeling unusually content and happy. How strange to think that a guest suite in her home felt more like an oasis from the harsh realities of life than her own bedroom upstairs. She knew exactly what Seth meant when he'd called it 'their' place. They had both begun new lives here last night, together. They could forget the rest of the world and just be a couple; exploring all the new feelings they shared. She watched as he knelt to light a fire, studying his lean outline against the orange glow in front of him. Last summer she never would have guessed at the strength he had inside of him. Coops' overdose in TJ had been the first time he surprised her, staying calm and holding it together while she'd been reduced to a sobbing puddle of anxiety. She didn't need to see anything else after this past week. He'd kept a level head throughout the terror filled minutes in the Cohen's driveway, and continued it through her hospital stay, according to the doctor. His sensitivity and unwillingness to give up on her despite knowing about the horror of her childhood had stunned her. She had fully expected him to turn and run if he ever found out about it, and wouldn't have blamed him if he had. Talking to him about her father's abuse had opened up a very dark, cold hole within her and filled it with the warm glow of trust and love. She felt unburdened and free for the first time since she could remember. Turning to look out at the sunset painting the ocean with strokes of orange, pink, and purple light, she felt him press against her back, circling her in his arms from behind. She took in a long breath of satisfaction, letting it out as she leaned back into him. "We're home." She tilted her head as he leaned in to kiss under her ear.
"Yes, we are. I'm home with my beautiful girl, who is standing in the middle of the room for some unfathomable reason. I'm relatively sure the Seth-taxi dropped you off at the couch."
"I wanted to see if I could walk. And I can!"
He sighed. "That's because, my naïve girlfriend, your hip is full of a little thing called "Demerol". When the shot from the hospital wears off, your walking days may be over again. Just for a while, though."
"Did you get a shot?"
"Yes, yes and yes. I really wasn't feeling it until I took the painkillers at Ryan's house, but now? I am feeling very, very, let me just say it again, VERY good."
She giggled. "Ryan's house. You don't live there anymore?"
"Nope. I live here with you, until you kick me out, or – or my parents drag me back there, whichever happens first. You'll get used to my two changes of clothing soon." He hugged her gently and pulled her back closer to him, resting his chin on her head. "What do you want to do now?"
"Mmm. Just this. Isn't the sunset amazing? Such pretty colors."
He looked out the window for a moment. "It is. I'd rather look at you, though. Hey. Let's go sit down."
"On the bed, ok? Like last night?" She turned in his arms to look up hopefully at him.
He grabbed her hand and led her to the bed. "What the beautiful girl wants is what the beautiful girl gets." Throwing some pillows against the headboard, he sat back against it and she settled in between his legs. "What a difference a day makes, huh?"
"Yeah. This time last night I was so upset I could barely speak, now I'm just happy." She turned to look at him as best as she could. Uncomfortable, she slid over to one side of him, leaving her legs over his lap. "I hope you know how much it means to me that I can talk to you, about anything, you know? And that you didn't give up on me."
He colored in embarrassment, but looked pleased. "It's no big deal. I just wanted you to know you had a friend."
"Cohen. It IS a big deal!"
His eyes widened, surprised at her emotional tone.
"I don't think you understand, Seth. I've never felt like this before. I've never been ABLE to feel like this before. It's so intense and calming and GOOD and being with you is amazing. I love you SO much; I don't know what to do with it all! Sometimes when I look at you I feel so much inside it seems like I'm gonna explode!" She stared into his hazel eyes, thinking he would say something, but he just watched her quietly.
Summer was suddenly scared. She had never been one to talk about feelings, and letting them loose had felt almost wrong to start with. His lack of response had her instantly worried that he didn't feel quite the same way. She dropped her eyes. "I'm sorry. Over-emotional female, front and center." She began to get up, but he quickly stopped her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, resting his head on hers.
"Hang on. Don't apologize. I didn't say anything because for the second time today it was entirely possible that I'd cry in front of you. I knew if I tried to talk, well, extraordinarily unmanly blubbering would ensue."
"Seth –"
"Shh. I want to tell you something. Whenever I pictured being with you in my head it always played out with me being sarcastic and funny, and you shooting me down, because we did that so well for so long. Then when we dated, it was better than I expected, because you showed me that sweet side I'd always suspected was there, along with our unique sarcastic banter thing. When you said you – you loved me, last night? It was hard to process, because maybe somewhere along the way, I'd started to believe – on a microscopic level - all the put-downs I've heard for the last – forever. They just kind of filter into the brain."
"I'm so sorry I – "
He raised a hand to quiet her. "I'm not talking about just you. Anyway. I knew you cared after – after we, last night. And, and I thought you BELIEVED it was love you were feeling, though it really wasn't. I never thought you'd fall madly in with me; I never pictured it that way, and not once did I think it would happen."
She felt incredibly bad. And so very guilty. "Because you spent years wanting someone that didn't want you. And you thought you'd go through your entire life always loving someone more than they loved you."
He nodded slowly. "I'm Seth Cohen. I get knocked around by chest-shaving polo players, and made fun of every day at school. People say the stupidest things about me, just to make their own pathetic lives seem better."
"So that just shows how much smarter you are, if you understand why they – we – did it. It doesn't make it better for you, I know, but it DOES make you better than them." It was her turn to look away. "And me."
"But see, I've never wanted to be like any of those idiots or really cared what they thought. And look, Summer, this isn't court and I'm not judging you. We got together and – huh – now I think you actually fell in love with me." He touched her cheek and made her look back at him. His eyes were still full of amazement. "Although I'm sure it sounded like it, I'm not feeling sorry for myself here. I told you that so you'd understand how completely and totally blown away I am by what you said and how you... feel."
"It IS how I feel, and I'm going to make sure you know it. Every day." She scooted up to kiss him and they hugged for a long time.
"I am so in love with you."
"I'm that much in love with you too, Seth. Maybe more."
**** "She looked like Marissa but it's like she wasn't in that body anymore. There was just nothing left in there that sounded or acted like her. "Ryan stared up at the ceiling while recounting his moments trapped in Summer's Corvette with his ex-girlfriend.
"It must have been awful for you." Anna lay on her side next to him.
"I kept talking, trying to get her to pull over or at least slow down, and it was like I wasn't even there. She was – talking about things that happened a while back and then she'd scream and cry, and the next minute she'd be laughing."
She laid a hand on his arm. "Ryan, I'm so sorry. I thought she was getting better, though, after TJ."
"So did I."
Anna realized she was unconsciously stroking his arm and slowly pulled her hand away.
He was quiet for a few minutes, then turned his head to look at her. "I keep wondering if she really was OK and all the lies and cheating were because she felt like lying and cheating. Because she didn't care...about me anymore."
She felt like crying, his blue eyes were so full of uncertainty. "If that were true then she wouldn't have been so upset when you broke up with her. Didn't you say she was fine until that happened?" He nodded, and she continued. "Obviously I'm not an authority on these things, but it sounds to me like she was slowly losing her grip, and that was the thing that sent her over the edge." He immediately closed his eyes. She reached for his arm again. "No, no, I'm not laying blame on you. I'm saying that out of any number of things that could have set her off, your break-up just happened to be it. If you hadn't done that, it might have been something like the mac and cheese burning or her breaking a nail. It just happened, by chance, to be you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
He nodded.
"So let it go. It's not your fault. This is just how her breakdown happened to come about."
He nodded again, absently, obviously not agreeing.
"Nothing I'm saying is helping, is it? You're still completely torn up over the whole thing, aren't you?"
He turned his head away, and she suspected he might be fighting tears.
"Come here, Ryan." He wouldn't look at her, so she sat up and moved closer, then lay against his side, reaching up to turn his face to hers. "Come on."
He finally turned on his side to face her, sliding an arm under her neck and gathering her closer with the other. She rolled onto her back, pulling him with her, and he rested his head on her shoulder, both of them hanging on tightly, believing the other was the only refuge in their emotional storms.
****
Seth smiled at Summer and kissed her again, very gently. "I'm not going to ask you that question that you hate; I just want to know how you're feeling."
"You're not gonna ask me if you're hurting me?"
He shook his head.
"Amazing. How am I feeling? Seriously? Like a different person - happy and excited and with a whole new view on things. Oh. Not what you wanted? Ok. I feel really good. Sort of like I'm flying, and there's no pain anywhere. My hip that you're lying on doesn't hurt, neither does my arm, shoulder or ribs. I'm tingling everywhere that your body is touching mine, and kissing you is like heaven. I want to make love with you right now, more than I've wanted anything in my life ever, and I think I might die if you don't touch me again soon. Because I love you that much. How's that?"
He swallowed hard. "Very insightful, thank you." He pressed his lips together, thinking hard. "You know –?"
"It will hurt tomorrow, I know." She ran her hand down his back and across his bruised rear. "For you too, remember?"
He shrugged. "I don't care."
"That's exactly how I felt about it last night. Do you get it now? I don't care how much I hurt tomorrow, it's worth it to me to have tonight."
"I didn't think –"
"Well, you're wrong. You're worth it." Her eyes swept over him. "God, look at you, Seth." Her hand ran over his arm and up his shoulder, then down across his chest. She lowered her voice. "Every time I thought about last night I wanted to rip your clothes off. All. Day. Long. You're so freaking hot."
He shook his head. "Ryan is –"
"Not nearly as sexy as you are. Your eyes make me melt; I love the way you smile, and your chest, the way you look at me when you think I don't see you. I love how you're built and how tall you are and how tiny I feel next to you. When you kiss me I go all gooey inside and forget where I am and what my name is."
"Really? All that? How advantageous for me. But enough with the ego stroking...Well, for now."
She laughed. "So what's the verdict? Are you in or out?"
He burst into laughter and dropped his head onto her shoulder. "Nice choice of words." He kissed her. "And while I appreciate all the things you just said, and with such conviction too, I guess you didn't realize there was never an argument."
"There wasn't?"
He shook his head.
"Oh." She narrowed her eyes. "But you said no sex and you meant it!"
"Then I decided since you'd gone to all the trouble of removing my clothes and dragging me to bed, you must –"
"Are you saying you changed your mind?"
"I'm saying if you'd STOP interrupting me and let me TALK, you'd have known quite a while ago that I want you so badly it literally hurts and I might die if I don't hear you moaning in my ear pretty damned soon."
"Oh honey, I'm sorry! I assumed – "
He kissed her quickly and smoothly shifted his body over hers. "You were wrong." He sighed. "Why can't we ever do this without 10 minutes of the wrong sort of oral foreplay?"
He kissed her again and she was immensely enjoying the feel of his hard body against hers when suddenly he was inside. A subdued moan escaped her and she wrapped herself around him.
****
He opened his eyes and found her looking up at him with obvious adoration, and Seth was once again overwhelmed by the strength of his feelings for her. He kissed her several more times, then slid down and laid his head on her chest, loving the feeling of her fingers in his hair. When his breathing slowed, he sighed contentedly. "Summer?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"If I had a choice between making love to you and breathing, I'd without a doubt forego oxygen. Just to do that one more time."
"Ooh. You are sooo adorable."
"Have I told you how much I love you?"
"Not in the last 20 minutes. Slacker."
"Ok. Ok, listen to this. I, Seth Cohen, love Summer Roberts more than Thanksgiving Dinner. More than a limited-edition, first copy of the first press run comic book autographed by the artist and the actor who played them in the movie and/or TV series."
"Impressive. That's a lot of love. Want to know how much I love you?"
"The answer would be yes, even if I wasn't self-absorbed."
"I love you more than a weekend at the mall with unlimited credit on a charge card someone else gets the bill for. More than Jimmy Choo, Prada or Chanel, and Harry Winston."
"More than Jimmy or Harry? I'm speechless. And deeply moved."
"You should be. That reminds me. We need to go shopping."
"What? Now?" He slid off of her and sat up.
"I told you earlier and you said we could!" Her bottom lip quivered.
"But that was before I was completely exhausted by the most beautiful woman in the world with the best sex ever had by anyone on the planet. And don't even start with the bottom lip ploy. I'm wise to your games, Princess Manipulation."
"Se-e-eth!"
"And the three syllable thing."
She crossed her arms angrily. "Fine! I'll just go by myself!"
He laughed. "How are you going to do that? Your car is a 2 foot by 2 foot square of smashed metal by now."
"Oh yeah. Damn." She carefully looked around, trying not to appear as if she were searching for something. She made a sudden move, diving for the side of the bed, and he realized what she was doing. He lunged, but she beat him to his pants, holding up the keys to the truck triumphantly. "Ha! THIS is how I'm going shopping. So there."
"Oh no. Not the Range Rover. I think the insurance company already dropped us; there's been so many claims on it this past year. Absolutely not."
"But I want to go! It's really important! Pleeeeease? Pleeease take me?"
She only stuck her lip out a little this time, but her eyes were so tragically sad he felt an overwhelming need to apologize. For something. He wasn't sure what. Anything, as long as she stopped looking at him like that. "Ok, Ok, I give up."
She was instantly all smiles. "Yay! Thank you thank you! It won't take long, I promise. You don't even have to come in the store with me, just maybe help me to the door. Ok, baby?" She kissed him on the mouth and both cheeks, finishing it off with a kiss on his nose and a hug.
He hugged her and looked over her shoulder, sighing heavily. "I am in the presence of a master. The same master that obviously wears the pants in this relationship."
"You can wear the pants once a week, ok? I think they look better on me." She smiled sweetly.
"Of course they do."
****
'Maelstrom'. The word stuck in Anna's mind, describing perfectly the riot of emotion spiraling through her. Ryan's weight was profoundly exciting yet terrifying to the point of madness. Logical, steadfast Anna felt all control slipping away even as guilt washed over her. What about Marissa and Seth? Why didn't they matter to her right now? All she wanted to do was get closer to him somehow, and the longing to know what it was like to kiss him was becoming agonizing. What if she couldn't control what happened between them? Would she be able to forgive herself if anything did happen?
"Relax."
"What?" She'd barely heard him over the hurricane roiling inside her head.
"Relax. You're so tense you're shaking. We're just hugging, ok?" His voice was soft and reassuring in her ear.
"Oh."
"What's goin' on?" His fingers were sliding gently up and down her arm. "Is this scaring you?"
She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think lucidly. If she said yes, he might move away and that would be very bad. If her answer was no, he might kiss her and that would also be bad. In the best possible way. How to answer? She opened her mouth, not sure was she was planning to say. "Maelstrom."
"O-kaay. I'm going to assume that means you have some contradicting thoughts."
She nodded, then immediately shook her head. "That wasn't what I meant to say. I don't know why I said that."
"What did you mean to say, then?" He raised his head to look at her.
Blue eyes, calm and measuring, waited for her response. The whirlwind within abruptly ceased, leaving Anna with the only obvious answer to give him. She simply had to tilt her head a little to the side, and a little forward and her lips were on his. She felt him hesitate and pull away and she was afraid to open her eyes in the wake of her embarrassment. Had she really misjudged the situation that badly? He pulled himself closer to the headboard and then he was kissing her, allowing her head to fall back onto the pillow. He was gentle at first, with soft brushes of lips lulling her into comfortable contentment and warm security. He felt solid in her arms and when his head lowered to her neck, she shivered involuntarily at the sensations his lips and tongue were creating. His mouth returned to hers, but this time strong, demanding kisses were inviting her to play. She kissed him back hard, and when his tongue slipped into her mouth and found hers, the electricity rampaged through her, setting her on fire. She briefly remembered predicting that very thing earlier before he moved completely on top of her and she gave up thought while giving in to the feelings.
****
Ryan swiftly rolled away and onto his back, breathing hard. She gave a loud moan, protesting the sudden absence of warm body, and turned on her side to look at him.
His head rolled towards her on the pillow. "Sorry. I just – we need to think – about this."
"Why? What is there to think about?" She vaguely realized her shirt was about to slide off the far side of the bed where it had landed after being removed earlier. She didn't care.
"Seth? Marissa?"
"Oh. God, Ryan, I don't WANT to think about them."
"I know. But how are you going to feel tomorrow?"
"I vote we deal with that tomorrow. How about you?" She ran her hand across his stomach, being careful of his wounds.
"I want you to be sure, Anna."
"Are you sure?"
He stared at her for a brief moment, then nodded. "I am."
"Then I am too. Look, Ryan. The hard facts are: You already broke up with her. Seth's with Summer. Maybe we should move on."
He was silent for a minute. "Together? Because this isn't just a thing for me." Despite his obvious difficulty getting the words out, he continued to watch her face carefully.
Her eyes widened. That statement was unexpected. "You're in love with her. I won't go through that again. Once was enough."
"It's different from Seth. I broke up with Marissa because she's...not what I need in my life. I have a second chance, and I want to use it. I can't take care of her and help myself at the same time." He turned his head away from her again, staring at the ceiling, then continued softly. "I don't want to kiss you tonight, and pretend like I didn't all day tomorrow. I don't know where this will go, but I want to at least try to find out." He looked back to her, waiting for her to speak.
She smiled at him wryly. "That's just great, Atwood. For the first time in my life I do something reckless and unpredictable, and here you are wanting it to mean something."
"Does it?" His eyes, serious and questioning, bored into hers.
"Yes. It does."
He rolled back to her and kissed her. "Good." His hand traced lines across her bare stomach and chest.
"Ryan? I've never – done much before. I'm kind of -"
"We're not going to. Don't worry about it." He brushed blonde hair behind her ear with a finger.
"I'm both very sad yet happy and relieved about that."
"That's known as bipolar by some." He nuzzled her under the ear.
"Actually? Bipolar symptoms are more about frequent mood swings, not feeling opposing emotions at once."
He sighed. "I forgot you're a geek."
"Well, you're a car-stealing arsonist."
"Every girl wants a bad boy."
"Intelligent girls are not geeks and bad boys have no power over us." She looked at her watch. "Intelligent girl has to go home, or she'll be grounded girl."
"So you're coming over in the morning?" Ryan made no move to let her get up.
"Yes. Bright and early."
He groaned. "I'm not so sure about bright."
"Do you feel any better?"
He smiled down at her. "I do. Thanks. Maybe I can sleep."
"Are you going to let me up?"
He sighed. "I suppose. If I have to." He rolled away and she got up, retrieving her bra and shirt and dressing shyly while he watched.
She kissed him once more and headed for the door. "Take your meds and you'll sleep. Goodnight Ryan. See you tomorrow."
"Night." He smiled a little as he watched her walk past the pool.
****
~ Lies-24 ~
Summer stood in the middle of the room and looked around it, feeling unusually content and happy. How strange to think that a guest suite in her home felt more like an oasis from the harsh realities of life than her own bedroom upstairs. She knew exactly what Seth meant when he'd called it 'their' place. They had both begun new lives here last night, together. They could forget the rest of the world and just be a couple; exploring all the new feelings they shared. She watched as he knelt to light a fire, studying his lean outline against the orange glow in front of him. Last summer she never would have guessed at the strength he had inside of him. Coops' overdose in TJ had been the first time he surprised her, staying calm and holding it together while she'd been reduced to a sobbing puddle of anxiety. She didn't need to see anything else after this past week. He'd kept a level head throughout the terror filled minutes in the Cohen's driveway, and continued it through her hospital stay, according to the doctor. His sensitivity and unwillingness to give up on her despite knowing about the horror of her childhood had stunned her. She had fully expected him to turn and run if he ever found out about it, and wouldn't have blamed him if he had. Talking to him about her father's abuse had opened up a very dark, cold hole within her and filled it with the warm glow of trust and love. She felt unburdened and free for the first time since she could remember. Turning to look out at the sunset painting the ocean with strokes of orange, pink, and purple light, she felt him press against her back, circling her in his arms from behind. She took in a long breath of satisfaction, letting it out as she leaned back into him. "We're home." She tilted her head as he leaned in to kiss under her ear.
"Yes, we are. I'm home with my beautiful girl, who is standing in the middle of the room for some unfathomable reason. I'm relatively sure the Seth-taxi dropped you off at the couch."
"I wanted to see if I could walk. And I can!"
He sighed. "That's because, my naïve girlfriend, your hip is full of a little thing called "Demerol". When the shot from the hospital wears off, your walking days may be over again. Just for a while, though."
"Did you get a shot?"
"Yes, yes and yes. I really wasn't feeling it until I took the painkillers at Ryan's house, but now? I am feeling very, very, let me just say it again, VERY good."
She giggled. "Ryan's house. You don't live there anymore?"
"Nope. I live here with you, until you kick me out, or – or my parents drag me back there, whichever happens first. You'll get used to my two changes of clothing soon." He hugged her gently and pulled her back closer to him, resting his chin on her head. "What do you want to do now?"
"Mmm. Just this. Isn't the sunset amazing? Such pretty colors."
He looked out the window for a moment. "It is. I'd rather look at you, though. Hey. Let's go sit down."
"On the bed, ok? Like last night?" She turned in his arms to look up hopefully at him.
He grabbed her hand and led her to the bed. "What the beautiful girl wants is what the beautiful girl gets." Throwing some pillows against the headboard, he sat back against it and she settled in between his legs. "What a difference a day makes, huh?"
"Yeah. This time last night I was so upset I could barely speak, now I'm just happy." She turned to look at him as best as she could. Uncomfortable, she slid over to one side of him, leaving her legs over his lap. "I hope you know how much it means to me that I can talk to you, about anything, you know? And that you didn't give up on me."
He colored in embarrassment, but looked pleased. "It's no big deal. I just wanted you to know you had a friend."
"Cohen. It IS a big deal!"
His eyes widened, surprised at her emotional tone.
"I don't think you understand, Seth. I've never felt like this before. I've never been ABLE to feel like this before. It's so intense and calming and GOOD and being with you is amazing. I love you SO much; I don't know what to do with it all! Sometimes when I look at you I feel so much inside it seems like I'm gonna explode!" She stared into his hazel eyes, thinking he would say something, but he just watched her quietly.
Summer was suddenly scared. She had never been one to talk about feelings, and letting them loose had felt almost wrong to start with. His lack of response had her instantly worried that he didn't feel quite the same way. She dropped her eyes. "I'm sorry. Over-emotional female, front and center." She began to get up, but he quickly stopped her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, resting his head on hers.
"Hang on. Don't apologize. I didn't say anything because for the second time today it was entirely possible that I'd cry in front of you. I knew if I tried to talk, well, extraordinarily unmanly blubbering would ensue."
"Seth –"
"Shh. I want to tell you something. Whenever I pictured being with you in my head it always played out with me being sarcastic and funny, and you shooting me down, because we did that so well for so long. Then when we dated, it was better than I expected, because you showed me that sweet side I'd always suspected was there, along with our unique sarcastic banter thing. When you said you – you loved me, last night? It was hard to process, because maybe somewhere along the way, I'd started to believe – on a microscopic level - all the put-downs I've heard for the last – forever. They just kind of filter into the brain."
"I'm so sorry I – "
He raised a hand to quiet her. "I'm not talking about just you. Anyway. I knew you cared after – after we, last night. And, and I thought you BELIEVED it was love you were feeling, though it really wasn't. I never thought you'd fall madly in with me; I never pictured it that way, and not once did I think it would happen."
She felt incredibly bad. And so very guilty. "Because you spent years wanting someone that didn't want you. And you thought you'd go through your entire life always loving someone more than they loved you."
He nodded slowly. "I'm Seth Cohen. I get knocked around by chest-shaving polo players, and made fun of every day at school. People say the stupidest things about me, just to make their own pathetic lives seem better."
"So that just shows how much smarter you are, if you understand why they – we – did it. It doesn't make it better for you, I know, but it DOES make you better than them." It was her turn to look away. "And me."
"But see, I've never wanted to be like any of those idiots or really cared what they thought. And look, Summer, this isn't court and I'm not judging you. We got together and – huh – now I think you actually fell in love with me." He touched her cheek and made her look back at him. His eyes were still full of amazement. "Although I'm sure it sounded like it, I'm not feeling sorry for myself here. I told you that so you'd understand how completely and totally blown away I am by what you said and how you... feel."
"It IS how I feel, and I'm going to make sure you know it. Every day." She scooted up to kiss him and they hugged for a long time.
"I am so in love with you."
"I'm that much in love with you too, Seth. Maybe more."
**** "She looked like Marissa but it's like she wasn't in that body anymore. There was just nothing left in there that sounded or acted like her. "Ryan stared up at the ceiling while recounting his moments trapped in Summer's Corvette with his ex-girlfriend.
"It must have been awful for you." Anna lay on her side next to him.
"I kept talking, trying to get her to pull over or at least slow down, and it was like I wasn't even there. She was – talking about things that happened a while back and then she'd scream and cry, and the next minute she'd be laughing."
She laid a hand on his arm. "Ryan, I'm so sorry. I thought she was getting better, though, after TJ."
"So did I."
Anna realized she was unconsciously stroking his arm and slowly pulled her hand away.
He was quiet for a few minutes, then turned his head to look at her. "I keep wondering if she really was OK and all the lies and cheating were because she felt like lying and cheating. Because she didn't care...about me anymore."
She felt like crying, his blue eyes were so full of uncertainty. "If that were true then she wouldn't have been so upset when you broke up with her. Didn't you say she was fine until that happened?" He nodded, and she continued. "Obviously I'm not an authority on these things, but it sounds to me like she was slowly losing her grip, and that was the thing that sent her over the edge." He immediately closed his eyes. She reached for his arm again. "No, no, I'm not laying blame on you. I'm saying that out of any number of things that could have set her off, your break-up just happened to be it. If you hadn't done that, it might have been something like the mac and cheese burning or her breaking a nail. It just happened, by chance, to be you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
He nodded.
"So let it go. It's not your fault. This is just how her breakdown happened to come about."
He nodded again, absently, obviously not agreeing.
"Nothing I'm saying is helping, is it? You're still completely torn up over the whole thing, aren't you?"
He turned his head away, and she suspected he might be fighting tears.
"Come here, Ryan." He wouldn't look at her, so she sat up and moved closer, then lay against his side, reaching up to turn his face to hers. "Come on."
He finally turned on his side to face her, sliding an arm under her neck and gathering her closer with the other. She rolled onto her back, pulling him with her, and he rested his head on her shoulder, both of them hanging on tightly, believing the other was the only refuge in their emotional storms.
****
Seth smiled at Summer and kissed her again, very gently. "I'm not going to ask you that question that you hate; I just want to know how you're feeling."
"You're not gonna ask me if you're hurting me?"
He shook his head.
"Amazing. How am I feeling? Seriously? Like a different person - happy and excited and with a whole new view on things. Oh. Not what you wanted? Ok. I feel really good. Sort of like I'm flying, and there's no pain anywhere. My hip that you're lying on doesn't hurt, neither does my arm, shoulder or ribs. I'm tingling everywhere that your body is touching mine, and kissing you is like heaven. I want to make love with you right now, more than I've wanted anything in my life ever, and I think I might die if you don't touch me again soon. Because I love you that much. How's that?"
He swallowed hard. "Very insightful, thank you." He pressed his lips together, thinking hard. "You know –?"
"It will hurt tomorrow, I know." She ran her hand down his back and across his bruised rear. "For you too, remember?"
He shrugged. "I don't care."
"That's exactly how I felt about it last night. Do you get it now? I don't care how much I hurt tomorrow, it's worth it to me to have tonight."
"I didn't think –"
"Well, you're wrong. You're worth it." Her eyes swept over him. "God, look at you, Seth." Her hand ran over his arm and up his shoulder, then down across his chest. She lowered her voice. "Every time I thought about last night I wanted to rip your clothes off. All. Day. Long. You're so freaking hot."
He shook his head. "Ryan is –"
"Not nearly as sexy as you are. Your eyes make me melt; I love the way you smile, and your chest, the way you look at me when you think I don't see you. I love how you're built and how tall you are and how tiny I feel next to you. When you kiss me I go all gooey inside and forget where I am and what my name is."
"Really? All that? How advantageous for me. But enough with the ego stroking...Well, for now."
She laughed. "So what's the verdict? Are you in or out?"
He burst into laughter and dropped his head onto her shoulder. "Nice choice of words." He kissed her. "And while I appreciate all the things you just said, and with such conviction too, I guess you didn't realize there was never an argument."
"There wasn't?"
He shook his head.
"Oh." She narrowed her eyes. "But you said no sex and you meant it!"
"Then I decided since you'd gone to all the trouble of removing my clothes and dragging me to bed, you must –"
"Are you saying you changed your mind?"
"I'm saying if you'd STOP interrupting me and let me TALK, you'd have known quite a while ago that I want you so badly it literally hurts and I might die if I don't hear you moaning in my ear pretty damned soon."
"Oh honey, I'm sorry! I assumed – "
He kissed her quickly and smoothly shifted his body over hers. "You were wrong." He sighed. "Why can't we ever do this without 10 minutes of the wrong sort of oral foreplay?"
He kissed her again and she was immensely enjoying the feel of his hard body against hers when suddenly he was inside. A subdued moan escaped her and she wrapped herself around him.
****
He opened his eyes and found her looking up at him with obvious adoration, and Seth was once again overwhelmed by the strength of his feelings for her. He kissed her several more times, then slid down and laid his head on her chest, loving the feeling of her fingers in his hair. When his breathing slowed, he sighed contentedly. "Summer?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"If I had a choice between making love to you and breathing, I'd without a doubt forego oxygen. Just to do that one more time."
"Ooh. You are sooo adorable."
"Have I told you how much I love you?"
"Not in the last 20 minutes. Slacker."
"Ok. Ok, listen to this. I, Seth Cohen, love Summer Roberts more than Thanksgiving Dinner. More than a limited-edition, first copy of the first press run comic book autographed by the artist and the actor who played them in the movie and/or TV series."
"Impressive. That's a lot of love. Want to know how much I love you?"
"The answer would be yes, even if I wasn't self-absorbed."
"I love you more than a weekend at the mall with unlimited credit on a charge card someone else gets the bill for. More than Jimmy Choo, Prada or Chanel, and Harry Winston."
"More than Jimmy or Harry? I'm speechless. And deeply moved."
"You should be. That reminds me. We need to go shopping."
"What? Now?" He slid off of her and sat up.
"I told you earlier and you said we could!" Her bottom lip quivered.
"But that was before I was completely exhausted by the most beautiful woman in the world with the best sex ever had by anyone on the planet. And don't even start with the bottom lip ploy. I'm wise to your games, Princess Manipulation."
"Se-e-eth!"
"And the three syllable thing."
She crossed her arms angrily. "Fine! I'll just go by myself!"
He laughed. "How are you going to do that? Your car is a 2 foot by 2 foot square of smashed metal by now."
"Oh yeah. Damn." She carefully looked around, trying not to appear as if she were searching for something. She made a sudden move, diving for the side of the bed, and he realized what she was doing. He lunged, but she beat him to his pants, holding up the keys to the truck triumphantly. "Ha! THIS is how I'm going shopping. So there."
"Oh no. Not the Range Rover. I think the insurance company already dropped us; there's been so many claims on it this past year. Absolutely not."
"But I want to go! It's really important! Pleeeeease? Pleeease take me?"
She only stuck her lip out a little this time, but her eyes were so tragically sad he felt an overwhelming need to apologize. For something. He wasn't sure what. Anything, as long as she stopped looking at him like that. "Ok, Ok, I give up."
She was instantly all smiles. "Yay! Thank you thank you! It won't take long, I promise. You don't even have to come in the store with me, just maybe help me to the door. Ok, baby?" She kissed him on the mouth and both cheeks, finishing it off with a kiss on his nose and a hug.
He hugged her and looked over her shoulder, sighing heavily. "I am in the presence of a master. The same master that obviously wears the pants in this relationship."
"You can wear the pants once a week, ok? I think they look better on me." She smiled sweetly.
"Of course they do."
****
'Maelstrom'. The word stuck in Anna's mind, describing perfectly the riot of emotion spiraling through her. Ryan's weight was profoundly exciting yet terrifying to the point of madness. Logical, steadfast Anna felt all control slipping away even as guilt washed over her. What about Marissa and Seth? Why didn't they matter to her right now? All she wanted to do was get closer to him somehow, and the longing to know what it was like to kiss him was becoming agonizing. What if she couldn't control what happened between them? Would she be able to forgive herself if anything did happen?
"Relax."
"What?" She'd barely heard him over the hurricane roiling inside her head.
"Relax. You're so tense you're shaking. We're just hugging, ok?" His voice was soft and reassuring in her ear.
"Oh."
"What's goin' on?" His fingers were sliding gently up and down her arm. "Is this scaring you?"
She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think lucidly. If she said yes, he might move away and that would be very bad. If her answer was no, he might kiss her and that would also be bad. In the best possible way. How to answer? She opened her mouth, not sure was she was planning to say. "Maelstrom."
"O-kaay. I'm going to assume that means you have some contradicting thoughts."
She nodded, then immediately shook her head. "That wasn't what I meant to say. I don't know why I said that."
"What did you mean to say, then?" He raised his head to look at her.
Blue eyes, calm and measuring, waited for her response. The whirlwind within abruptly ceased, leaving Anna with the only obvious answer to give him. She simply had to tilt her head a little to the side, and a little forward and her lips were on his. She felt him hesitate and pull away and she was afraid to open her eyes in the wake of her embarrassment. Had she really misjudged the situation that badly? He pulled himself closer to the headboard and then he was kissing her, allowing her head to fall back onto the pillow. He was gentle at first, with soft brushes of lips lulling her into comfortable contentment and warm security. He felt solid in her arms and when his head lowered to her neck, she shivered involuntarily at the sensations his lips and tongue were creating. His mouth returned to hers, but this time strong, demanding kisses were inviting her to play. She kissed him back hard, and when his tongue slipped into her mouth and found hers, the electricity rampaged through her, setting her on fire. She briefly remembered predicting that very thing earlier before he moved completely on top of her and she gave up thought while giving in to the feelings.
****
Ryan swiftly rolled away and onto his back, breathing hard. She gave a loud moan, protesting the sudden absence of warm body, and turned on her side to look at him.
His head rolled towards her on the pillow. "Sorry. I just – we need to think – about this."
"Why? What is there to think about?" She vaguely realized her shirt was about to slide off the far side of the bed where it had landed after being removed earlier. She didn't care.
"Seth? Marissa?"
"Oh. God, Ryan, I don't WANT to think about them."
"I know. But how are you going to feel tomorrow?"
"I vote we deal with that tomorrow. How about you?" She ran her hand across his stomach, being careful of his wounds.
"I want you to be sure, Anna."
"Are you sure?"
He stared at her for a brief moment, then nodded. "I am."
"Then I am too. Look, Ryan. The hard facts are: You already broke up with her. Seth's with Summer. Maybe we should move on."
He was silent for a minute. "Together? Because this isn't just a thing for me." Despite his obvious difficulty getting the words out, he continued to watch her face carefully.
Her eyes widened. That statement was unexpected. "You're in love with her. I won't go through that again. Once was enough."
"It's different from Seth. I broke up with Marissa because she's...not what I need in my life. I have a second chance, and I want to use it. I can't take care of her and help myself at the same time." He turned his head away from her again, staring at the ceiling, then continued softly. "I don't want to kiss you tonight, and pretend like I didn't all day tomorrow. I don't know where this will go, but I want to at least try to find out." He looked back to her, waiting for her to speak.
She smiled at him wryly. "That's just great, Atwood. For the first time in my life I do something reckless and unpredictable, and here you are wanting it to mean something."
"Does it?" His eyes, serious and questioning, bored into hers.
"Yes. It does."
He rolled back to her and kissed her. "Good." His hand traced lines across her bare stomach and chest.
"Ryan? I've never – done much before. I'm kind of -"
"We're not going to. Don't worry about it." He brushed blonde hair behind her ear with a finger.
"I'm both very sad yet happy and relieved about that."
"That's known as bipolar by some." He nuzzled her under the ear.
"Actually? Bipolar symptoms are more about frequent mood swings, not feeling opposing emotions at once."
He sighed. "I forgot you're a geek."
"Well, you're a car-stealing arsonist."
"Every girl wants a bad boy."
"Intelligent girls are not geeks and bad boys have no power over us." She looked at her watch. "Intelligent girl has to go home, or she'll be grounded girl."
"So you're coming over in the morning?" Ryan made no move to let her get up.
"Yes. Bright and early."
He groaned. "I'm not so sure about bright."
"Do you feel any better?"
He smiled down at her. "I do. Thanks. Maybe I can sleep."
"Are you going to let me up?"
He sighed. "I suppose. If I have to." He rolled away and she got up, retrieving her bra and shirt and dressing shyly while he watched.
She kissed him once more and headed for the door. "Take your meds and you'll sleep. Goodnight Ryan. See you tomorrow."
"Night." He smiled a little as he watched her walk past the pool.
****