A/N Sorry for the delay. I've been seriously ill.
Lies 36"Hey, Sleepyhead." Kirsten had been glad to see Summer still deeply asleep when she'd gotten up earlier. She wasn't sure if the girl would feel better or worse today. Summer looked over at her, focusing slowly. She gave Kirsten a small finger wave.
It wasn't much, but Kirsten was thrilled that she'd made eye contact. "How do you feel, sweetie? Are you hungry?" Summer indicated that she wasn't with a small shake of her head. "Yeah, eating probably doesn't sound fun." She watched as the girl's eyes settled on the two horses that had "magically" appeared on the table overnight. Barely louder than a sigh, a drawn out "Awww" escaped from Summer's mouth. Her pain-dulled eyes filled with emotion as she observed the kissing horses. A small smile curved her lips.
Kirsten joked dryly. "My first wild guess is that the pretty pink horse is yours? I've already met Captain Oats, obviously."
Summer nodded, still looking at the toys happily.
Kirsten sighed. "Seth strikes again with a 'covert op'. Did he wake you up?"
Summer shook her head.
Kirsten shrugged, giving up. "He brought your suitcase, too. I was going to ground him for ignoring the doctor's orders, but since he got a smile out of you, I might have to let him get away with it."
Lying on her side, Summer reached over slowly for the card standing between the Captain's front hooves. She reread the original side, then flipped it over, seeing that Seth had added the words engraved inside the rings they'd gotten for each other. Eyes misty, she clutched the small card tightly in her hand and carefully slid it under her pillow.
Kirsten smiled; glad to see that all appeared forgiven with her son. "Will you be all right if I step out and talk to Sandy for a minute?"
Summer looked at her quickly, then to the clock showing the early hour, confused.
"He spent the night, too, in the lounge. He's very concerned about you, Summer. We all are."
The girl gave her a smile full of emotion and gratitude. "Thank you," she whispered.
Kirsten crossed the room and grabbed her hand. "You're family, honey; we love you. Ryan was here, and Anna came, too. They won't let anyone visit you right now besides Sandy and I, but please believe that we're all here with you, however and whenever you need us."
Summer blinked several times in an effort to control her watering eyes, but her jumbled feelings were too overwhelming. She began to cry, softly at first, then with deep wracking sobs. Kirsten sat beside her, and leaned down to hug the overwrought girl, trying to soothe her.
"You have us, and Jimmy, too. I know this must be so hard for you, Summer, but you're not alone." Kirsten was actually glad to see the girl showing some emotion. She'd been for the most part detached from the world since her father's attack, which couldn't be good for her. All those feelings needed to be released, not bottled up inside.
She finally became quiet and relaxed a little. She looked up at Kirsten. "I hurt."
"I'll bet. Let me get the nurse." She reached up and pressed the button.
"Go see Sandy. I'm ok."
"Are you sure?" Kirsten wasn't convinced.
Summer nodded.
"All right. Can I bring you anything?"
"Yes. Seth. Now."
Kirsten laughed. "Well, that's not up to me, but I'll let them know. I think Dr. Mead wanted to wait – "
"No. I want Seth."
"Ok, honey. I'll tell them. Just don't be surprised if they won't let him in yet. I'll be back in a minute." Kirsten stepped out the door.
The nurse came in a minute later, checking the chart at the foot of the bed. "Good morning, Miss Roberts. How are you feeling?"
"I hurt."
"Yes, I figured your last shot would have worn off. The doctor will be up to see you in a minute, and in the meantime, I'll get your medication ready. Anything else?"
Summer pointed to the telephone, just out of her reach. "Please?"
"Sure, sweetie." She handed the phone to Summer, then left the room.
Seth stared numbly at the ceiling. He hadn't slept, but had slipped into a zombie-like state. When the telephone rang, it didn't really register at first. He finally realized what the annoying noise was and dived for it. "Hello?"
"Seth." It wasn't a question, more of a contented statement, the fulfillment of her need to connect with him.
"Summer? Oh my God! Summer! Are you all right? Well, I know you're not, but are you, like, better? I've been so – freaking out – and they wouldn't let me see you and I know you thought my puking after, you know, was about you but it wasn't! It was all about HIM, not you, and I'm sorry I upset you. Because you didn't have enough to deal with already, right? God, I'm so glad you called. Dad said you didn't talk yesterday or look at anyone and I've…" Realizing that he hadn't let her talk yet, he became worried again. "Um, sorry. You called to say…? "
"The horses are soo sweet." Her tone was light, and Seth could tell she was smiling.
"Yeah? You like them? Captain Oats has been dying to check out Princess Sparkle's hooves, and I thought they could keep you company if you got lonely." He was relieved that she'd understood the message he'd sent through the toys.
"I need you."
Seth pumped a fist in the air, with his heart doing a little flop at her words. "I TOTALLY want to be there with you, but they won't let me in your room."
"Yes, they will." She replied firmly.
He laughed. "I can tell by the tone of your voice that someone will suffer the "Wrath of Summer", complete with scary thunder and lightning effects if I'm not allowed in your room."
"Exactly. Come now."
"All right, but I've got to shower and change - I kind of slept, well, didn't sleep in my clothes - then I'll be there."
"Hurry."
"I'm already in the shower. Which, uh, may cause my electrocution, so I've got to hang up this phone. I'll see you very soon, ok?"
"'Kay."
Seth joined his mom and dad in the lounge just as Dr. Mead left Summer's room. "Hey, Doctor Mead, Ma, Pops. Guess why I'm here?"
"That's not too tough to figure out, son." Sandy reminded him.
"No, no, now, I'm here because Summer called and demanded that I come see her. Because she needs me. And she is extremely unhappy about the "no visitors" thing. I'm thinking a titanic clash of wills just happened in room 301."
The doctor smiled wryly. "Hello, Seth. Summer is one very…. hmmm, what's the word I'm looking for…determined girl."
He laughed. "You mean she's as stubborn as a spoiled mule and won't take no for an answer? Yep, that's my girl. How bad was it?"
"Oh, we came to a compromise. You may visit today, AFTER she's seen by Psych and IF he ok's it. She's doing much better, so I don't foresee a problem."
"Awesome! Thank you!"
"You're welcome. By the way, the horses are very sweet. And I DON'T want to know how you got in the room."
"Speaking of that, Seth. You're thisclose to being grounded." Kirsten held up her hand, forefinger pressed tightly to her thumb.
"But not, right? As in the groundage." He looked from his mom to the doctor. "I didn't wake her up! I just needed to uh, make my case, as it were, and – and she needed her pajamas and stuff."
Sandy rolled his eyes. "Riiiight. She needed her stuff desperately while she was asleep in the middle of the night."
Seth pretended that he didn't hear the sarcasm in his father's statement. "She did! It's entirely possible that she could have suddenly woke up and wanted something! She does it all the time, trust me."
Sandy and Kirsten stared at him, while Dr. Mead hid a smile.
Seth opened his mouth and thought fast, realizing how that sounded. "Which happened, uh, once when she wore a t-shirt and shorts to bed? And realized later that she really wanted her pajamas. Yep, while I was sleeping waaay out in the other room on the couch. She told me all about it. Because I wouldn't know about that otherwise, unless she told me, would I? Cuz I was on the couch. Yeah. Moving on. So when does the other doctor get here? Soon?"
"We'll let you know when you can go in, Seth."
Seth pushed the door open slowly, suddenly nervous. So manybad things kept happening, it was hard to know how to act. She looked up, smiling, and he stood there for a moment, feeling awkward. Her face was bruised badly, and still swollen, looking much worse in the daylight than it had during his earlier visit. Pity, rage, sadness, and helplessness swept through him all at once.
"You can stop staring at me like that about 10 minutes ago," she snapped. "I already feel like the high priestess of 'Freak Island'." She quickly held her hand to her mouth, grimacing at the pain talking so much caused her.
"So I'm supposed to feel nothing when I see you hurt like this?" Seth instantly shot back. He looked away, softening his voice. "I didn't mean to upset you."
She regretted her words immediately. "I'm sorry. I just don't want anyone pitying me. 'Specially you." She smiled apologetically. "Start over?"
"Good idea." He went out the door, closed it, and then came back into the room. "So. You got beat up. How's that workin' out for you?"
Summer answered brightly. "Really well, thanks! Getting hit by the car just wasn't enough drama for me. You know how I like to keep things exciting."
He nodded knowingly. "Oh, yeah. Never a dull moment with you around. And it's been like, what? An entire long, boring day since I've seen you which felt like a year and why am I standing here when I could be…." He walked to her bed. "… Over here doing this?" He reached out to hug her and she flinched, covering her face with an arm and pulling away from him. He backed up a step. "Or not." Confusion showed on his face. "You know I would never – "
"I know! It's – it's me… I'm sorry. It just… happened, I didn't mean to." Summer seemed as confused as he was.
"Um. Ok. Let's try this." Seth grabbed a chair and pulled it up to the bed. He moved his hand slowly toward hers. "Comin' in low; nothin' scary here; grab on if you feel the love…."
She smiled and met his hand with hers, clasping it tightly.
"So how are you really?" He lifted her hand to his mouth, kissing it gently. "I've been insane, you know, worrying."
"I'm trying to deal." She stared at the blanket covering her lower half instead of looking at him.
"Do… you, uh… want to talk about it?" He asked carefully.
"NO! I mean – no." She pushed back the covers and motioned impatiently for him to move away. Pulling herself slowly off the bed, Seth got up to help her, but she quickly put up a hand, stopping him. "I got it." She stood and headed for the bathroom, not wanting to see the hurt look in his eyes. "Be right back."
Unable to sit, he stood looking out the window until he heard the door opening and her unsteady steps. He forced himself to only turn and look at her, instead of going to help her. "I didn't mean to make you mad. I just thought you might want - I just want you to know you can talk to me about it. About anything."
She stopped beside him, looking up compassionately. "I know. You didn't do anything wrong, Seth, I guess I'm just a little on the tense side."
"I can't imagine why." He kidded her. They shared a long glace and finally he turned away, emotion lowering his voice. "When I found out what he did to you …… I just kept going over and over in my head how indescribably awful it must have been and what you must have been feeling. And – and all I could think about was how I needed to be with you and I could make everything better. Now that I'm here? I realize I don't have any idea how to do that." He looked back to her. "Tell me what to do. How do I fix this?"
"Oh, Seth." She was quiet for a moment, then Summer's eyes filled. "You can't fix anything. Some things are too …big… to repair." She gave him a sad smile. "When I saw that you'd been here last night, and the horses and the card, I thought the same thing; that as soon as we were together, everything would be good again. But the real truth is: I'm a mess and it's not your job to fix me. And I won't be like Coop, never getting better because she let Ryan take care of everything. I won't do that." She tentatively put her hand on his side and he turned to her as she slipped her other arm around his waist, hugging him. He put his arms around her and they silently held each other for a moment. She pushed him away abruptly, suddenly flashing back to her father lying on top of her. When the feeling of suffocation and panic finally left her, she looked up at him, his stricken expression slicing through her.
"What did I do?"
"Oh baby, you didn't do anything! It's me!" She felt terrible for hurting him, confused and irritated all at once. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"
"Then why?" He demanded, bewildered.
"It felt like my dad!" Instantly she knew that shouldn't have been said.
His eyes widened, and he looked as if he might cry. "Your Dad? You don't – I remind you of him? You don't trust me?"
"No! It's not like that at all! Just – just forget I said that. My shot must be kicking in, or wearing off, or munching on my brain, maybe. Cohen, please. It's not you."
"Then what? What is it?"
"It's me!" She yelled. "I just told you I'm a mess! Now you're a witness to it! Mess! Capital 'M'! Me!!"
Seth took a breath and calmed himself, realizing she didn't need to get any more upset.
"But not capital 'M' like Marissa. She caused her own misery; none of this has been your fault, and you WANT to take care of your problems. I just, I don't understand why I remind you of 'He who must not be named'. Tell me. I want to help, not make you feel worse."
"You can't, Cohen. You can't help. You won't understand. Trust me." She had no words to explain what she was feeling. Shewasn't even surewhat she was feeling.
"Give me the chance to, Summer."
She could see that he was genuinely suffering from her words and actions, and she wanted to do anything to make it stop. "I can't explain! My father hammered my face like it was a 2 x 4 and tried to … you know, and probably killed my mother, and nothing. Is ever. Going to be the same. I'm scared of – not you – but of being close to you!"
He stared at her, unbelieving. "You think I don't understand having the crap beat of you? I get that you flinch if I move too fast; I was the same way at every recess after I became the school punching bag. But I'd never hurt you, and when we were in bed it was because you wanted to be."
She closed her eyes in a moment of frustration. "It's not you! God, Cohen, this doesn't have anything to do with us in bed or - or sex at all! You DON'T understand!"
"Help me, then!" He pleaded.
She looked at him, so miserable and confused, and knew what she had to do. "I can't. I have to help me right now. Look, I don't think we should - "
He shook his head as he interrupted her. "Don't even say it. We get through this together. We have to." His voice was firm.
"Seth …" She stared out the window. "I'm not talking about forever. I mean, like, until I'm semi-normal again. When I talked to the shrink, he reminded me that I'd just had a major breakthrough by confronting 'He who must not be named'. I don't want to lose that – freedom – by letting this knock me down again. I have to keep moving forward, and it's not going to be easy, and you shouldn't be caught in the crossfire. It won't be any kind of fun times and it's not fair to you."
"That should be my decision, shouldn't it? I want to help … In case you forgot, I love you."
She turned to face him, speaking softly. "I know you do, sweetie. I'm going to keep that right here." She placed her hand over her heart. "And I love you too. But I WILL lean on you if you're available, and I need to do this myself. I need to fix it so that I'm NOT a mess. Can't you understand that?"
"Handle it yourself, then. I'll be your cheerleader. Um, change that to your biggest fan. The polyester pants and pom-pom thing? Just. No………Oh. Same deal." He shook his head, not ready to give up. "But we handled the child abuse together. I thought I helped you with that."
"You did! But this is different, Seth … I need to sit down." She sighed heavily and slid back into the bed.
"Are you ok? Do you want me to get the nurse?" He watched her anxiously, worried.
"No, not yet." Swallowing a huge lump in her throat, she took her ring off and held it out to him. "I won't ask you to wait until I get my head in the right place."
His expression hardened. "I'm going to pretend like I didn't see you do that. I'm visually editing that maneuver …… Gone. Never saw it. The ring is yours, whether you're dumping me or not."
"Cohen, I'm not du – "
He raised his voice to talk over hers. "Yes. You are. Which really sucks, because I thought we had agreed on everything that stupid card said. We can just be friends, best friends, while we get through this, even." He looked around the room, trying to put his thoughts into words. "You act like what your father did only happened to you, but you're wrong. No, I wasn't there with the two of you, but we're together, a team, and what happens to you affects me as much it does you. If you'd kept your promise and kept ME, instead of - whatever the hell's going on here, at some point something horrible will happen to me, because it always does, and then you'd understand how much you pushing me away hurts. Or maybe not, because apparently you don't care as much as I do."
"That is SO not true. I love you! You don't deserve to be stuck with me right now, because this thing with my dad has totally wrecked me! How many times do I have to say this? I need to concentrate on me and I don't want you to get hurt!"
"I'll tell you what hurts. I thought we had something special. The fact that you're giving up so easily? THAT hurts like hell."
"It IS special, damnit! I DO love you." Summer was crying now, afraid she'd made the wrong decision, but seeing no other choice.
Seth gave up, afraid of upsetting her further, and at the end of his own patience. He held up the hand his ring was on. "Do you want this?" His tone was short and hard.
She shook her head, unable to speak.
"I'll put the Hummer in your driveway, and leave the keys in the house."
"No! Drive it! I won't, and it needs someone to take care of it. Please? Seth, it's not like we're never going to see each other again. I'm probably going to have to stay at your house for a little while."
Seth rolled his eyes. "Excellent!! There can never be too many awkward moments in my own home with the girl that dumped my apparently clueless ass."
Summer felt like crawling in a hole. "I didn't want it to be this way. I thought you'd understand. I'll just stay at my house."
"You thought I'd understand? Shoving me out of your life?" He shook his head in frustration. "Look. Please stay with us if it'll help you get better. Really. I'll just … deal with it." He looked at her for a moment, softening. "I want you to be ok more than anything." He turned and left.
Summer stared at the closed door for a long time, then finally rang for the nurse.
Seth sat on a couch in the lounge waiting for his parents to come back, alternating between banging his head on the wall behind him and holding his head, elbows on knees, staring at the floor between his Chuck Taylor's. Glancing at his watch, he saw that he'd been waiting for 45 minutes.
His cell phone vibrated in his pocket, and he checked the caller ID. "Mom? Please don't tell me Ryan relapsed. I can't take any more …… Because you're not here and neither is Dad. I just assumed another car wrecked, or another house burnt down, or something equally catastrophic happened. These sorts of things are normal now in Seth-world .…… You went to work. Both of you went to work. You've got to be kidding me …… Well, who's gonna stay with Summer, then? … You see, Mom; that would be a reasonable plan if she hadn't just dumped me, and I'm not really up for more pain and suffering hanging around a girl that doesn't want me hanging around. You've got to come back ………… Listen, I don't give a rat's ass about business right now. I can't. Stay here. With her …… I don't know why – I mean , she told me but it doesn't make even a minute amount of sense to me…………… Yeah. THAT will work. She doesn't want to talk about it…… Right. Fine. I'll just camp out here in the lounge. No problem." He hung up and shoved the phone back in his pocket, disgusted.
Dr. Mead had been in the hallway waiting to talk to him, watching his conversation - complete with pacing, gesturing hands, and arms waving in frustration. She walked up as he sat down, banging the back of his head on the wall behind him again.
"Seth? Is everything all right?"
He looked up, surprised to see her. "Oh. Hey, Dr. Mead. No, everything is the most opposite of all right that it can be, actually."
"Well, I have some good news that might help. I'm releasing Summer. She has an appointment with her own therapist today, and I'm sure she'd rather rest at home than here. There's not much more we can do for her."
Seth's shoulders sagged and he ran a hand over his eyes, rubbing them, resigned to his fate. "Yep. Good news. That means I have to take her home now."
Catching his tone, Dr. Mead was concerned. "Is there a problem? I can arrange for –"
"No. No problem. She just -Uh. She just broke up with me. So the ride may be a little tense, that's all. Probably a lot tense. But it's good that she can go home. She'll feel better there. Or at our house, I mean." He sighed.
"Oh, Seth, I'm so sorry. That's a bit unexpected, considering how badly she wanted to see you before. You made her so happy with the horses." She wanted to help, but wasn't sure if it was appropriate. "Does this have to do with the trauma she's suffered? It's sometimes very hard for couples to work through these things. Would you like to talk about it?" She'd leave it up to him.
Seth jumped eagerly at the chance to talk. "Yes. Please!! Thank you!! I'm so – baffled! She thinks she has to deal with this by herself. And she says she's a mess and when I hugged her she freaked out and pushed me away. She said…" He had to pause and swallow hard. "…She said it was like I was her dad. She kept saying I don't understand, and I'd get hurt and in this case? Truer words have never been spoken. But she couldn't explain it to me. Can you? Is this something that happens to abused girls? Her father, uh…"
Dr. Mead sat down beside him. "It's ok, Seth, she told me. Look at it like this. Any patient that comes in as a victim of violence, which would be ANY kind of violence, is given a session with Psych and encouraged to see their own or get their own therapist because it can affect them in ways they – and their loved ones - never expect. Their traumatic experience is so embedded in their system that defense mechanisms will go off in the mildest of situations, like when you hugged her, without any conscious thought of it by the victim. She couldn't help pushing you away; it's not something she planned or even wanted to do. I imagine feeling you close to her was just similar enough to the attack by her father to panic her SYSTEM, her subconscious being, into thinking she was at risk again. Add to that her history of child abuse, and it makes it even worse for her."
"Huh. I guess that makes sense. I thought she was afraid of me, and I would never ever touch her in a bad way. Ever. I took it personally, and now she's afraid that will keep happening." He felt relieved, a little.
The doctor was confused about something. "She thinks she can't have help from you or anyone? Is that what you said?"
"Yeah. She's comparing herself to our friend, her best friend. Marissa let Ryan fix all her problems, instead of actually getting the help everyone wanted her to get, which sent her further down the road of self-destruction."
"I see. Seth, I would suggest that you get all the information you can on Summer's situation. Dave has a saying, 'Fully informed is fully armed.'" She laughed. "It's kept us out of couple's therapy more than once. In any case, finding out all you can about the problem makes it easier to win any fight."
Seth stood. "I bow to your endless wisdom. Thank you, Dr. Mead. You really are the coolest."
She laughed again, flattered. "Well, thanks. I try. I just hope your ride home isn't too terrible. I've got to get some paperwork together for Summer, then she's out of here. Maybe you could load her things while she gets ready to go."
"I'm all over it." He stretched, yawning. "Thanks again."
"I'm glad I helped, Seth."