A/N – Summer is experiencing after effects typical of a victim of violent trauma. Not every person reacts this way, but I'm trying to show the confusion and panic that can overwhelm a victim long after their attacker is gone. Sometimes life after a violent crime can be as bad as the crime itself.

A/N – Thank you SO much for all the long, detailed reviews. I'm grateful to anyone that just takes the time to read, and thrilled with any review, but it's so cool to hear all your thoughts, pro or con, in detail. Said it before, but it's still true: You guys rock!

Goodbye
is this how you want it
I'll leave but I don't want to go
And I'll wait but I can't wait forever
For you to say goodbye

Well maybe I'm just dreaming
But I know dreams come true
And I'm still here believing
That God made me for you

If we could just start over
Get back where we began
We're better off together
It doesn't have to end

Jonny Lang

Lies-38

"Ryan, how are you, my man'?" Seth walked into the pool house and promptly flopped onto his back on Ryan's bed.

"I'm ok. You? You get anywhere with Summer?" He put down the book he was reading, stretching in the chair.

"I was all the way back in, then totally out, and now I'm in there on a friend only basis." He began throwing Ryan's pillow in the air and catching it.

Ryan looked at his watch. "Seth, it's only 11am. All that happened today?"

"Sadly enough, yes. And while I'm not even close to where I want to be, I'd rather be 'in' on any basis than 'out' completely, and I can thank you for my marginal 'in-ness", in any case." He stuffed the pillow under his head and sighed. "I'm so tired it feels like my eyeballs will fall out and bounce across the floor if I open them too far."

"Uh huh. I saw you leave again last night. And why are you thanking me, again?"

"I remembered your sermon, er, advice on the fact that everything isn't about my feelings, as much as I'd like it to be, and I need to do what she wants, even if it sucks. I'm discovering that being mature has a lot of drawbacks."

"Meaning…?"

"I apologized for making it all about me when she dumped me this morning, thus winning back enough respect and affection to be offered friendship, to which I gritted my teeth and jumped on like it was my precious; the one, true ring to rule them all."

"Give her some time. She's been through a lot.

"I am aware of this. And I am prepared do whatever it takes, no matter how much it distresses me, to help her. The problem is – she doesn't want any help. She thinks she doesn't need any, because if she accepts help from anyone she'll morph into Marissa and never get well." He closed his eyes. "Have I told you that I love this bed? I love all beds, cuz you get to sleep when you're in them, except for when your girlfriend's beat up and almost raped by her father. Beds are good."

Ryan sighed. "Why don't you get some sleep, then?"

Seth yawned loudly. "Because I'm so tired I'm afraid if I fall asleep I won't ever wake up again, and I have to get Summer up and take her to an appointment at 4:00."

"She's here?" Ryan wasn't aware that she'd been released from the hospital.

"Yes, safely asleep in the guest room across from mine."

"Seth, go to bed. Take the house phone with you and put it on the pillow next to your ear. I'll get you up at 2:30."

"It might ring a hundred times." Seth warned.

"I got nowhere to go and nothing else to do today. I won't hang up until you answer it."

Seth heaved himself off the bed and headed for the door. "Thanks, bro. You're the best; I don't care what my parents say."

Ryan just smirked. "You KNOW Kirsten likes me best."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mama's boy, you're the golden child now. But seriously, Ryan? I think she really does." Seth smiled at a grinning Ryan and headed for the house.

Summer opened her eyes, wanting to see Seth as they made love in her bed. He was in turn watching her, his hazel eyes dark with desire and pleasure. Behind the sexual gratification, she could see a sweet luminosity in his gaze; an unwavering glow that proved without question this man's heart was hers completely. She was filled with him, he was all over and around her and he was pure, untainted love like she'd never believed possible. She wanted to live in this slow, exquisite rhythm with him forever, never seeing anything but him and his soulful eyes – never feeling anything beyond what he gave her. Closing her eyes, passion building into fire, smoldering with need until sanity fled, taking her breath, slow descent back into that exquisite rhythm, ascending to the heights of beautiful torture but never, never allowing the end, the entire world was just the two of them clinging to one another in constant motion. He whispered but she didn't understand, his lips on her neck, sucking harder and the boards of the deck beneath her groaned, splintering into her back with the force of his forward motion, his teeth in her flesh now as she cried out in agony, the pain everywhere. She looked up at him, shocked and heartbroken, and her father slapped her, yelling that she was his whore now. She struggled against him, trying to get him off and he laughed, saying he could tell his whore liked it rough his fingers digging into her shoulder and when he lowered his head his teeth sank into -

Summer sat up in bed screaming, her body seizing in pain from the sudden movement. Terrified, she looked around, not recognizing the room, which only added to her panic. From far away she heard a Door open, and Footsteps below had her out of the bed, looking for somewhere to hide. The Footsteps were pounding up the stairs now and she was confused and lost, not knowing where to go so she crouched beside the bed, trying to curl into a ball and make herself invisible. The Feet stopped at her door and she was so scared she couldn't breathe, waiting for her dad to appear and the worst to happen. Someone said her name and she began to cry because she wasn't invisible and she was trapped. A calm voice that wasn't her father's told her she was safe and no one could hurt her here and she was ok and she wanted to believe him but she was still so very frightened. She managed to take a deep breath and then another one when he told her to because it seemed like she'd done this before and it had helped. Music she recognized began playing and the voice told her to remember she'd come from the hospital to his house and it was Seth so she raised her head and looked at him very quickly to make sure, then hid her head again. He was sitting on the floor too, but in the middle of the room and she didn't feel threatened because he wasn't too close and he told her again that she was safe and no one could hurt her and this time she believed him, uncurling to sit up, remembering that he had helped into bed and starting to feel a lot less insane. He didn't say anything or try to touch her while her heart rate slowed and the panic ebbed, he just softly sang along to the song on the stereo.

"You had a bad dream." It wasn't a question, he just knew. "It was just a dream, Summer. You're safe."

She finally was able to look at him again and he was holding her robe. Remembering she'd gone to bed without pajamas and suddenly cold, she held out her hand and he slowly got up to bring it to her.

"You feel any better?"

She nodded, staring at the floor. She could only whisper. "Embarrassed."

"This is normal. Nothing to feel weird about." He stretched a hand down to her, and she took it, needing his help to stand again. He held open the robe and she slid an arm in, then shivered as he pulled the rest of the warm terrycloth around her. He sat on the bed, patting the spot next to him. His voice was soft, words carefully chosen. "Was it like a really vivid flashback? That is, uh, if you want to talk, or - or you're ready to. Hey, you love this CD, right? I remember you wore out your first one, and you brought the new one over that day, uh, that day …never mind." That day had been the last time she'd been here with him before the whole mess with Anna and choosing to not choose but ultimately ending up with …Anna. Shut up, Mouth.

She sat next to him, still staring at the floor. "How do you know?"

He could barely hear her. "Know what?"

"That it's normal."

"Wee-e-ell, I've been doing a little research on the internet. There's a wealth of information on what someone with your, um, someone that's been in your situation, well, what they might experience afterwards." He cringed, waiting to see if she'd be mad. She'd been very clear about her intentions to deal alone, and he wasn't sure if his research crossed that line for her.

"Why?" She sounded worn out and a little sad.

"Summer, I know you want me to butt out, but I just think, that since you're staying here, and we're friends after all, that it could only help if someone here kind of understood what was happening to you, just in case, you know, if you have problems. I mean - I know I can never understand how you're feeling but see – like in this particular case? I can assure you that if you had a horrible, realistic nightmare or flashback about …that …and woke up wigged beyond comprehension, it's not uncommon and you have no reason to be embarrassed or think you're going crazy. The dream was a sign that your body and mind are trying to come to terms with what happened. It's been in shock until now. Nightmares are simply a tool your subconscious is using to deal."

"It didn't feel simple or tool-like in any way, Cohen." She snapped.

"I'm sure it didn't, Summer, and – and I didn't mean to imply that – "

"You didn't." She laid her hand on his knee and finally looked up at him.

He wanted so badly to touch her, to hug her, but kept his hands where they were. "I'm sorry. About your dream, I mean. That all this is happening."

She didn't answer, but withdrew her hand while looking away and crossed her arms over her stomach, rocking forward and back very slightly.

Feeling uncomfortable, Seth got up and went to the sofa, retrieving the throw that was folded on a pillow. Returning to Summer, he carefully draped it around her shoulders and sat next to her again.

Her voice was very quiet. "It was worse." She looked quickly at his confused face and away again. "Worse than a flashback – than what really happened."

His expression cleared as understanding hit him in the gut. "Oh. ……God. Summer, I'm – I'm …It will get better. I promise. You're doing everything right, seeing your Dr. and just by being determined to take care of yourself. It will get better for you. Really …… Am I helping at all or would it be better if I just shut up? Because whatever you want is – is what I'll do. Just say the word. Or words if uh, there are more than one. Word, that is."

"You're helping, Seth." She half-smiled. "Would you mind finding my pain medication?"

"Not at all." He went to her suitcase and opened it, grabbing the bottle and the two horses. "Princess Sparkle is here to keep you company, and Captain Oats would like to hang with the both of you, on a friendly basis of course, if that's all right." He got a real smile from her with that.

"I don't think Princess Sparkle would be too happy if he left." She held out a hand for them. After placing the pony on the nightstand, she gave Captain Oats a kiss, then set him down by the Princess. "Thanks for the flowers after the car wreck, buddy."

"You know horses are rumored to keep away bad dreams. They chew them up before they can get in your head. Just think, you have two sets of big, scary horse teeth here to keep you safe."

"Princess Sparkle does not have big scary horse teeth! She's all dainty and delicate and so are her teeth! Say you're sorry!"

Seth rolled his eyes. "My apologies, P.S.. Just make sure you chomp on Summer's bad dreams with your dainty, delicate teeth, then." He tapped the pony lightly on the nose.

He got a glass of water for her pills, straightened the disheveled covers on the bed and motioned with his head for her to get back under them.

Yawning, she asked the time.

"A little after 11."

"Ok." She suddenly sat up in the bed. "My flowers! You brought my flowers!" Looking around the room, she saw all of her bouquets - on the coffee table, shelves, and in the windowsill.

"I thought they might, well maybe, make this feel more like home for you. I saw that you'd taken them to the guest suite, and – and I – They looked nice." Not sure why his face felt hot, he continued. "It just took a minute to run over to your house and grab them. No big deal." He felt faint and grabbed the nightstand next to him for support.

Summer threw off her covers and was beside him in an instant. "Seth! You ok? Here, sit down." She grabbed his arm and guided him the short distance to the edge of the bed, where he gratefully sat.

"I just felt hot and dizzy. I'm ok now." He moved to get up but she wouldn't let go of his arm.

"Just wait a minute and make sure." Narrowing her eyes, she pointed at him. "Stay." She returned in a minute with another glass of water. "Drink this."

"I'll obey a 'lie down' command, but don't ask me to roll over, cuz I might throw up."

"Shut up. You haven't slept, have you?" She crawled back onto the bed as he shook his head, water glass still at his mouth. "When's the last time you ate?" He shrugged.

She hesitantly reached out, afraid that touching would feel as creepy as being touched. Her fingers lightly made contact and it was ok, then her palm slowly rubbed his back.

His shoulders sagging, he leaned into her hand, groaning. "That feels so nice."

She was glad it felt nice for him, because she was feeling nothing but guilt. Since the accident with Coop, he'd been so busy taking care of her, worrying about her, making sure she had everything she needed, everything she wanted, trying so hard to make her feel better and feel comfortable and at home - but just who was taking care of him through all this? Nobody, that's who. He certainly wasn't, and she'd been a poor excuse for a girlfriend OR friend. Sliding directly behind him, she began using both hands to massage his shoulders and back.

"God, thank you. That feels awesome."

"Good. Just relax for a little while." She found it fairly easy to say what she needed to since she didn't have to look him in the eyes. "Look, Seth. I, uh, I really need to thank you. You've been, like, the only thing keeping me sane since the car wreck and Coop, and everything after that, and I'm sorry that I didn't see how much this has affected you, too."

"Hey. Summer, it's -"

"Quiet! Hello? I'm talking!" She began working on his lower back. "Are you still feeling like whatever I want; that's what you'll do? Don't speak! Just nod or shake your head no." He nodded. "Then I want you to stop running yourself ragged for me, and start taking better care of yourself. And if you don't, I will be extremely unhappy. You don't want that, do you?"

He shook his head. "Can I talk now?"

"If you must."

"One word. Huh?"

She concentrated on his shoulders again. "I'm talking about using perfectly good sleeping time to run and get my flowers, and Googling to find out why I end up on the floor beside the bed trying to be invisible after my subconscious attempts to cope with my attack. Going for days without eating or Playstation or comic books or porn because all of your attention is on taking care of me."

"You were trying to be invisible?"

"Yes!" She smacked him on the side of the head. "This is serious!"

"It didn't work. I saw you right away."

"Cohen!"

"I don't watch porn."

"Not caring…"

"I may have read some, though."

She ended the massage, lifting her hands into the air.

"So you don't like the flowers? I thought you loved flowers."

Summer heaved a sigh. "Close. That's fairly close to the subject." She started rubbing his back again. "I DO love the flowers and it's totally sweet of you to go get them and I SO appreciate everything you do to make things nicer or easier for me – I really do and I don't thank you enough. But I would RATHER see you getting some sleep than making yourself sick for me. Do you think I would rather watch you almost pass out from exhaustion, or have flowers in my room? Honestly."

He was quiet.

"OhMyGod. You seriously think I'm that shallow."

"That's not it." Now he was staring at the floor, speaking quietly. "I want to do that stuff, it makes ME feel better if I think something I've done has helped you a little. And – and doing things for you? Is a way to ………"

"To what, Seth?"

"……Prove that I love you."

"Oh God, sweetie. Turn around here." She waited while he stood, then crawled on the bed, sitting cross-legged facing her. She raised her hand, sliding it across his cheek and holding it there. "You don't have to prove how big your heart is, Seth, because I KNOW." She grabbed both his hands with hers. "I get scared sometimes, maybe insecure, that you won't keep up with my endless problems, that it'll be too much for you, but at the end of the day all you have to do is look at me, and it's obvious. Cohen, I put the brakes on our PRE-ENGAGEMENT this morning, and look where you are right now, and how you spent your day so far instead of sleeping. You have NOTHING to prove."

"Then why – never mind …"

"Why what?"

"Forget it. I know the answer; it's fine. I was actually on my way up here to pass out for a while when I heard you yell. Do I get any points for that?" He yawned loudly.

She smiled at him. "Yeah. You get points for that."

Seth fell on his side and stretched out his legs. "Just give me a sec and I'll get up. You need to lie down and rest."

Summer pushed one of her pillows up against the headboard, and moved around to lean back against it. "Well, after THAT dream? I'm not planning on EVER going to sleep again, so I'll just be sitting up and resting, thank you very much. Hey, is there an alarm clock in here? I can't miss my Dr.'s appointment. Just in case I pass out against my will."

"Hang on, I'll get it." Seth slowly rolled off the bed and went to his room, grabbing the phone then returning to Summer. "How about if I lay down on the couch over there? Would that make you feel safer, maybe, so you can sleep? You really need to get as much rest as you can." He realized she was staring at the phone.

"Who's on drugs here? That's a phone, NOT an alarm clock, idiot."

He sighed. "I can tell the difference, thanks. Ryan's giving me a wake-up call." He rubbed his eyes.

She looked at him standing there, worn out and finally beaten down by her criticism. She mentally smacked herself. He'd just offered to stay on the couch so she'd feel more comfortable and what had she done? Sniped at him about the phone. She was trying hard to keep her heart cold toward him, but he looked so pathetic and sad, she couldn't help trying to make him feel better. "You look wiped out, Cohen. Come here." She placed her hand on the bed next to her.

"I, um …here's the thing …I'm not sure that's such a good idea. It was real progress to be able to hug you, and I'm afraid sharing a bed for a nap might be moving too fast for you. Not that we're doing anything, or planning to, you know -I mean, just, in general. I might scare your subconscious."

"Seth, shut up and lay down. I'll handle my stupid subconscious."

"Yes, ma'am." He crawled on the bed and collapsed on his side, facing her as she sat against the headboard. She pulled the pillow out from under his head and positioned it on her lap, patting it. He gazed up at her, cautious, and she nodded, so he curled around, resting his head on the soft pillow.

She took off the throw he'd given her and shook it out over him as he sighed contentedly.

"You're really not sleeping?" He was warm and so comfortable, but felt guilty because she wasn't.

"I can't do another nightmare."

"Maybe you won't have one – maybe you'll have good dreams."

She smiled down at him and combed her fingers gently through his thick hair. "Maybe I will. But you? Be quiet and go to sleep now."

Almost purring while her fingers lightly stroked his hair, he mumbled to her, wondering why he was being spoiled like this. "Not arguing." He felt her fingers moving along his cheek, then her hand running along his shoulder and arm, then nothing.

"Fine! It won't be my fault if you keel over in the hallway and miss your appointment because you're too stubborn to accept any help! Go ahead and walk! See if I care!"

"Fine! I will! That's what I wanted anyway!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Seth put the truck in 'park' and hit the steering wheel in frustration. He watched as she carefully climbed down out of the passenger seat, grabbed her handbag and slammed the door shut, giving him one last venomous glare. She'd been quiet after waking him up, distant and preoccupied, and his attempts to get her to open up on the ride to her doctor's had started an argument, which had escalated into something close to war. She didn't want to talk; it was none of his business what she was thinking; she didn't want to talk about plans for the evening; she didn't need him to see the doctor with her, walk her into the doctor's office, or even drop her off in front of the doctors' building. She would damn well walk from the parking lot like normal people did, and when he'd pointed out she'd just been released from the hospital after a beating that would keep grown men down for a week, thus making her not a normal person, she'd told him, seething, that he should not be anywhere around when she got done and she'd find another way home. Insisting that he was not about to leave her there without transportation and pulling up to the front of the building had set her off in a way he'd never seen before. He'd lost his temper and the last 3 minutes had been spent in a shouting match, with ugly accusations flying thick and fast between them. He was ashamed of some of the things he'd said to her, and in shock at the things she'd accused him of. He slumped forward with his head on the steering wheel, still reeling from the argument. After flipping on the stereo, he sat back in the seat and tried to get a grip.

Thinking back to the research he'd done on the Web earlier, it slowly dawned on him that he'd played right into Summer's hands. It was normal for victims to be moody, and also to use any scenario they could to drive a wedge into relationships. She could be having trust issues, or a sense of unworthiness, or a need to be in control. Then what the hell was the nap on her lap complete with hair petting about? He pulled out his wallet and found a paper he'd written times and meeting places on. This situation warranted more action than online reading. Looking up at the nearest building, he discovered he was within a block of where he needed to be in 10 minutes.